Don't know what to do anymore :(

[Sillyface29]

Good morning!
Sorry if this is going to be a bit long, please stick with it!
I've been with my partner 3 years. We have a 2 year old together and he has a child from a previous relationship.
I knew when I got with him he had a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a "bad lad" but didn't realise the full extent. The start of the relationship was a nightmare, he was a heavy drinker and took a lot of drugs on the weekend when he was out with the lads. He would disappear for full weekends and I would never know where he was.
I left him but then found out I was pregnant. He promised he would change, which he did and we moved in together.
For a few months everything was perfect, until his ex contacted me 2 weeks before my due date to say he had slept with her. Something he strongly denies, and although it was always there again I tried to work on our family. We had our son and his child came to live with us. Life was ok, he left his job, set up a business and everything was normal till xmas just gone.
He stole some money from our savings and started taking drugs and drinking again. He started going on weekend binges and not bothering coming home. I had enough, so packed some clothes for my son and I, then went to stay at my mums.
That was 7 months ago and since then my life has literally been a nightmare. He has let my son down so many times, he would rather go to the pub then pick him up. My son would be waiting with his little back pack on and I wouldn't get so much as a text to let me know he wasn't coming. Yet I still have him chance after chance with my son. In the end I just stopped getting him ready as I knew he wouldn't turn up.
He wouldn't pay me a penny for our son, I literally had to rely on my mum. He wrote his car off drink driving, he's lost his business and I find out he's got hundereds of pounds in drug debts- what still haven't been payed. He's been messaging other women, one of which was my school friend, practically begging for a date and making out I'm some crazy psychopath who stops him from seeing his son.
Honestly I could write a book about how much stuff he has done to us. But through all this all I wanted to do was help him as I desperately wanted to be the family unit for my son.
I finally got me and my son a house and it has taken me 3 months to get it how I wanted- he wouldn't give me any of my stuff so my mum and I had to literally start from scratch to buy everything again. All my savings have gone and my mum has spent well over her means to make sure we had everything. Something which I am majorly embarrassed about as before I had my son I've always worked and now I feel like such a failure having to rely on others.
Anyways 3 weeks ago, my partner said he had cut down his drinking and stopped taking drugs. Which he has stopped going out on weekends which is a massive improvement. But I still feel as though I don't trust him. He is spending more time with his son (not unsupervised im always there) and we are taking the children out as a family.

Now comes the dilemma. He wants to move in with us and start a fresh. Which I said we need to take it slow, as I don't really ready yet. Everything he has done over the past few months, I feel crippled with anxiety and me and my son are still at my mums till i feel ready to be alone (I know I sound like a big baby sorry). He doesn't understand that he's done anything wrong and is taking it personally saying I obviously don't love him if I can't spend anytime with him as a couple, and tell me I either wipe the slate clean or he leaves me as he can't wait around forever.

It's kept me awake the past 3 nights, because I don't want to lose him when I know he's actually trying to sort his life out. But how can I put my son in that position and make him vulnerable to be hurt again? He won't talk about anything he's done to us, just keeps saying we will never be happy if you keep bringing up the past- but why should he get away with all the hurt and heartbreak he has caused and just carry on as though nothing has happened.

I'm lying to my close friends as I know how much they dislike him after what he's done to us. But I am so frightened I'm going to lose him if I can't forget about the past and just take the step and put it all behind us. I have just getting a text off him saying can we stay together as a family till the weekend, and if it doesn't work we go our separate ways! I just don't know what to do, I'm actually scared to say no!

I realise how pathetic this post is, I sound like a needy child when in fact I'm a 30 year old woman. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't even feel like me! I can't talk to anyone about it and I'm in desperate need of advice if anyone has been in the situation I'm in.

Arghhhh xx

Sorry but the fact he had no interested in his son and didn't pay a penny would be enough for me, just fucking cruel! I don't know why you'd want to be with him.

If he loved you and truly wanted to be a family, he would do whatever and wait however long it took.

If you really loved someone and wanted to be with them, would you tell them "now or never" or would you say "I want to be with you and will give you the time you need until you are comfortable with that"?

Being alone is much better than being with someone who will constantly let you and your DS down, upset you, disappoint you and leave you in the state you're currently in with no self esteem and no strength to just say 'No', even when you know it's the only answer.

You desperately WANTING him to be a great partner and a great father isn't going to make him actually BE those things. If just wishing for stuff made it happen wouldn't we all be eternally young, beautiful, rich and successful in everything we do? He's not going to change. A few weekends on the wagon is nothing. Walk away. You're not losing anything. He was a lost cause from the get go - you just couldn't see it and your still struggling to accept that that's the case.

He's a loser. Please don't let your little boy live like this.

You sound a bit scared of him.

He doesn't visit or support his son.
He has stolen your belongings
He's addicted to drugs and has serious debts

What could you possibly see in him that would make you want to take him back. He's not the person that you wish he was. Find someone that deserves you.

The now or never statement would be enough to make me run and never look back.

He has nothing to offer you.

You will be letting down your DS, your mum and yourself if you ever take him back.

He'll never be the person/dad you want him to be. Just imagine yourself in 3 years time with a lovely new man. You deserve much better and I'm sure you'll get it.
Tell him thanks but no thanks.

You have the potential to have a happy loving family life, but it's not with this manipulative loser. You need to cut him out of your life completely and focus on your son (which it sounds like you are doing already). Do not engage with him, he is bad news. There are loads of lovely men out there who will be a much better father to your son than this prick.

Please do contact Womens Aid and ask about their Freedom Programme.
Do it as quickly as you can.
And please get the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.
Think about your upbringing.
What lead you to believe this is all you deserve?
And what happened to make you believe you should put a small child through this again and again?

My little boy is my first priority, everything I do is for him
You wrote this - read and re-read.
Do your poor DS a favour and do NOT let this horrible man back into your lives full time.

I wanted my partner to be the best dad ever because my boy deserves that
Yes he does. And he's never ever going to get that from this loser.

Please also look into assertiveness training.

Again- thankyou for the honest opinions. I've never ever wanted to be in this situation, and I am certainly not putting my little boy through it again and again. Hence why I stopped getting him ready.

I've never been this person I am now. Never been weak and never relied on a man like I am now. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I thought he may have changed as I know he's trying too.

He's never going to be the dad your son deserves.

There is no dilemma here. The answer to his now or never is 'never'.

I thought he may have changed as I know he's trying too

No - he's not. If he was, there'd be no 'now or never' ultimatum, he'd be trying to see things from your perspective. He'd pay for his son, which he isn't. You'd feel able to leave him with your DS, you don't.

He's not trying - not even close.

He hasn't changed; he claims he's never done anything wrong.

You're being willfully blind if you walk your son back into this situation.

He hasn't changed. He hasn't even tried.

Don't fall for any rubbish he tells you. Actions speak louder than words and his attempt to get back together involved a threat. Now or never is designed only to force you into a corner.

Run. Please.

God no, put this loser behind you and don't look back

For fuck's sake. You stood, multiple times, and watched your little boy waiting with his backpack on for a daddy who never came - and now you're dithering about whether to get back with him or not?

What's the matter with you?

Every one of your posts is full of excuses..."Don't know what's the matter with me. Usually, I'm strong..." blah blah. Bullshit. Strength has nothing to do with it....you are selfish. If you put your son first as you should, getting back with this piece of work would not even enter the equation.

He does not love you. Doesn't matter what he says, he does not. He loves the fact that you have a new home and he can play the family man for a while until he gets bored. "Oh. but he's trying to change..." Are you insane? This is the lamest, stupidest excuse of all time.

You don't know what to do? Well, if you had any sense you'd shut down all channels of communication...no more texts, no more emails, no more conversations. You'd write him a formal letter offering sensible access arrangements with regard to your son and see if he steps up to the mark. You make it clear that any personal relationship between the two of you is over and you won't discuss it further. That's what you do.

Oh, and by the way, allowing your mother to spend money she hasn't got on setting up a new home for yourself and your son is utterly despicable unless you were genuinely and sincerely ready to move on with your life, which you clearly weren't.

Your son does not have a father who has ever been willing to put his needs first. Remains to be seen whether or not his mother will.

But he's blackmailing you OP, do what he wants right now or else.

You don't blackmail people you love, you do everything you can to make them happy and safe, at the expense of your own feelings if necessary.

Sorry op but the basis of any relationship should not be pity and boy do you potty this loser.

Also with all due respect you can stare how much your son is your priority all you want but going back to that loser demonstrates that infact you are placing yourself way above him when it comes down to it.

Your ex sees you as a good catch, you offer him everything he wants to be but the issue is he is not that man. He has shown you who he is and yet you are thinking about turning a blind eye to that ?!?

You clearly have anxiety which is why you have not returned to your house. Anxiety imo caused by that relationship.

You need to look at your self worth - is this man really what you and your son deserve?

Op , it is also important to realise that your fear of saying no to his 'offer' is not because saying no is wrong , it's because in your time apart you haven't yet disengaged from him and his abusive nature.

DustinGee, I'm sorry but to call me selfish when you have no idea of my full story is a bit shit.
If I was selfish, I'd let this man come and go in my sons life when it suited. I wouldn't be trying to protect my son from harm and being hurt again.
I've never protested to be a perfect mother- I'm far from it, but my son comes before anything. All I wanted was for him to have a stable family, and to live with both of his parents. Hence why I've asked for advice.

And to call me despicable for spending my mothers money? How dare you. My mum will get every penny back, not that she would ever take it from me, but I will make sure my mum is alright. We have an amazing bond.

If your aim for the day was to upset someone who was already feeling like a bag of shit, congratulations you have succeeded. I welcome any comment no matter how hurtful it is, as I know its truth. Next though, don't be so personal ey!!

And also just to add, I have "declined his offer".
If he loves me, like he says he does, but we all know is bullshit. Hel wait till I feel ready to talk. I'm not putting my son in another situation where he could get hurt. My son is too good for that.

You might not like what Dustin says but her advice is absolutely spot on.

It seems like you're about to sleepwalk back into this for...I don't know, I can't see any reason why you would.

You CANNOT give your son the nuclear family experience you wish for, because that would mean your partner getting his shit together forever. And he won't. He doesn't love either of you the way you for some reason believe he is capable of.

I actually think it's really, really, sad, that you don't seem to know what you should accept and expect from a partner.

Hi op

If all these messages on here have only served to cause you to be indignant and touchy
Upset and pissed off then good.

Looks like you've found your anger, so it worked then, good for you 💐

Ah I know it's sad, it's really sad that I've accepted this shit for so long.
Writing on this forum has made me realise that I am infact an idiot for even putting up with this kind of behaviour.
I do think it has a lot to do with strength. I'm frightened and there is no shame in admitting that and I'm scared. He's bad mouthed me to others for that long and made me out to be some psycho mother who won't let him see his child, I never open my mouth to people as I hate confrontation so I've let people talk.
I think I need to put a stop to everything all together and get me back, I would never be happy going back there.

And again he isn't good enough for my son. Never will be. I just need to find the bollocks to say this.

Let him talk shit. I shouldn't think his version of events will seem credible once it becomes obvious he hasn't seen his son, nor paid for him, for years on end.

You focus on your son. There's really nothing to be scared of, lovely.

You're doing great Sillyface , keep moving forwards and build an amazing like for your son and yourself.