Don't know what to do anymore :(

[Sillyface29]

Good morning!
Sorry if this is going to be a bit long, please stick with it!
I've been with my partner 3 years. We have a 2 year old together and he has a child from a previous relationship.
I knew when I got with him he had a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a "bad lad" but didn't realise the full extent. The start of the relationship was a nightmare, he was a heavy drinker and took a lot of drugs on the weekend when he was out with the lads. He would disappear for full weekends and I would never know where he was.
I left him but then found out I was pregnant. He promised he would change, which he did and we moved in together.
For a few months everything was perfect, until his ex contacted me 2 weeks before my due date to say he had slept with her. Something he strongly denies, and although it was always there again I tried to work on our family. We had our son and his child came to live with us. Life was ok, he left his job, set up a business and everything was normal till xmas just gone.
He stole some money from our savings and started taking drugs and drinking again. He started going on weekend binges and not bothering coming home. I had enough, so packed some clothes for my son and I, then went to stay at my mums.
That was 7 months ago and since then my life has literally been a nightmare. He has let my son down so many times, he would rather go to the pub then pick him up. My son would be waiting with his little back pack on and I wouldn't get so much as a text to let me know he wasn't coming. Yet I still have him chance after chance with my son. In the end I just stopped getting him ready as I knew he wouldn't turn up.
He wouldn't pay me a penny for our son, I literally had to rely on my mum. He wrote his car off drink driving, he's lost his business and I find out he's got hundereds of pounds in drug debts- what still haven't been payed. He's been messaging other women, one of which was my school friend, practically begging for a date and making out I'm some crazy psychopath who stops him from seeing his son.
Honestly I could write a book about how much stuff he has done to us. But through all this all I wanted to do was help him as I desperately wanted to be the family unit for my son.
I finally got me and my son a house and it has taken me 3 months to get it how I wanted- he wouldn't give me any of my stuff so my mum and I had to literally start from scratch to buy everything again. All my savings have gone and my mum has spent well over her means to make sure we had everything. Something which I am majorly embarrassed about as before I had my son I've always worked and now I feel like such a failure having to rely on others.
Anyways 3 weeks ago, my partner said he had cut down his drinking and stopped taking drugs. Which he has stopped going out on weekends which is a massive improvement. But I still feel as though I don't trust him. He is spending more time with his son (not unsupervised im always there) and we are taking the children out as a family.

Now comes the dilemma. He wants to move in with us and start a fresh. Which I said we need to take it slow, as I don't really ready yet. Everything he has done over the past few months, I feel crippled with anxiety and me and my son are still at my mums till i feel ready to be alone (I know I sound like a big baby sorry). He doesn't understand that he's done anything wrong and is taking it personally saying I obviously don't love him if I can't spend anytime with him as a couple, and tell me I either wipe the slate clean or he leaves me as he can't wait around forever.

It's kept me awake the past 3 nights, because I don't want to lose him when I know he's actually trying to sort his life out. But how can I put my son in that position and make him vulnerable to be hurt again? He won't talk about anything he's done to us, just keeps saying we will never be happy if you keep bringing up the past- but why should he get away with all the hurt and heartbreak he has caused and just carry on as though nothing has happened.

I'm lying to my close friends as I know how much they dislike him after what he's done to us. But I am so frightened I'm going to lose him if I can't forget about the past and just take the step and put it all behind us. I have just getting a text off him saying can we stay together as a family till the weekend, and if it doesn't work we go our separate ways! I just don't know what to do, I'm actually scared to say no!

I realise how pathetic this post is, I sound like a needy child when in fact I'm a 30 year old woman. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't even feel like me! I can't talk to anyone about it and I'm in desperate need of advice if anyone has been in the situation I'm in.

Arghhhh xx

Your post is horrific OP, this man stands out on a board where arseholes are not unusual.

What happened to his older child who was living with you when he left? Is it that child's mother he slept with?

He has left you so stressed that you cannot leave your DM's and move into your waiting flat, presumably he wants a nice new flat to move into with you.

He's simply appalling, don't go back there.

No. No no no no no..

For God's sake - don't be sucked back into this horrible situation.

I'm going to be harsh op

You taking him back would be a massive kick in the teeth for your mum, she's practically gone with out to get you both back on your feet. He's interest is in your comfy new home, nothing else not you or your child.

If he comes back and goes back to his old ways and he will. Don't bother running back to her for help
You don't want your child thinking his ways are ok either

If you take him back please take my "I told you so" for future use

💐

Oh and obviously extra tea bags in for when the drug dealers come to your door to collect their money

Not a chance op. He will not change.
I am always a bit confused when people say the start of the relationship was a nightmare. Why carry on then? Trust your instincts next time and know you deserve more. As does your son.

I totally agree with everything you are all saying!
I don't know what is wrong with me, I just feel like I literally can't cope anymore. I've tried to tell him I'm so frightened of getting hurt again and he has spat his dummy out and basically said it's now or never.

I hate feeling like such a vulnerable mess. I'm usually so much stronger than this, I don't know why I feel so dependant on him after everything he's put my son through.
Deep down I know he won't change, I need to do the right thing.

I like to imagine that people can reform.

However, those that actually succeed usually need to start by putting things right and by admitting where they went wrong.

I agree with N1tika about what you should ask of him before you trust him again. You would be giving him encouragement but not endangering yourself and your son and your mum.

If he is offering to change but only if you take him in... then he is simply manipulating you.

I honestly have no clue why I'm feeling this scared to upset him and just be honest with him!
If any of my friends were put through that, I would be killing him with my own bare hands. I feel sorry for him and don't know why xx

He is trying to manipulate you with the "now or never". say "never", and see how he responds - my money is on nastily.

You have a lovely new house full of new belongings, your children, and support from your lovely mum. You don't need him, he needs you more than you need him. He can still have a good relationship with his son without the two of you being a couple, but once he realises he isn't getting his roof and cash cow back, unfortunately I can't see him bothering much with your DS.

He's not changed though has he? He won't even address what he's put you through. He may be your son's biological dad but he's not a father to him.

He's demonstrating no remorse and I think you'd be a complete mug to take him back. You've said you don't feel like yourself at the moment and I don't think it sounds like you're in a place emotionally to be making such a big decision.

Why does it have to be move back in or nothing? I personally think you should run and never look back, get some counselling and rebuild your life properly. However of you're intent on being with him he should truly wipe the slate clean and start from scratch by dating, re-earning your trust. If he's not willing to do things any other way but his own that's a clear indication that he just wants an easy life and doesn't give a toss about what he's done to you.

Your little two year old boy had his backpack on and this utter disgusting bastard didn't turn up?

How can you bring yourself to be in the same room as this abusive piece of crap?

Are there abuse issues in your own background? You need professional help. Please protect your child even if you won't protect yourself.

Now or never?

Who the fuck does he think he is? Why do you feel sorry for him? He hasn't given you or his son anything worthwhile, just take, take, take....

He's selfish, immature, irresponsible, a terrible father, cannot accept any responsibility for his actions and expects you to just brush it all under the carpet so he can move into your lovely new house and abuse your trust all over again.

Fuck that.

I don't normally weigh in on these threads as I'm coming from a male perspective but something you need to know:

...basically said it's now or never.

That is a lie, it is a complete, 100% bare-faced-lie. He will keep coming back either because he wants to take advantage of you or because he's finally grown up and wants to be responsible and have a relationship with his child.

You need to lay it all out for him, straight. Follow the suggestions above, don't sugar coat it.

1. Tell him that his drinking, drug use, cheating and lack of child support (both financial and emotional) mean you believe him to be unreliable. Do not mince words- say it just like that. It's nothing to do with loving him or not. He is unreliable.

1. Say that unless he can establish himself by getting into recovery programmes for the drink/drugs, hold down reliable employment and meet all his fatherly obligations for at least a year without ANY issues (the smallest whiff of alcohol or drugs will reset that 1-year clock) then you will discuss a relationship.

You don't realise it but you actually have the power here- he has nothing. He may be prepared to walk away and immolate his life, but no man doesn't want a relationship with their child. No man doesn't want to be in a stable and loving family. It is up to him now to choose to either follow your terms or go away.

As to whether or not you forgive him, that's your call, but I'd tell him exactly what N1tika said above. Normally you expect people to behave reasonably. He's proven to you that he doesn't. He now needs to prove that he can and will behave reasonably.

He is trying to get you to pity him so that he can worm his way back. He cannot just white wash all the things he has done and said. You would also be putting your son at risk if he moved in with you, as the drug dealers debt collectors won't care who they hurt to get their money back. I would Def be telling him, you two being a couple is NEVER going to happen for the sake of you and your son.

All of the above advice is null and void if as I suspect, you're sleeping with him. You hold no power whatsoever if that's the case.

You need to stop, and cut him completely out of your life.

I've tried to tell him I'm so frightened of getting hurt again and he has spat his dummy out and basically said it's now or never

Doesn't this tell you everything you need to know? Even now, now - when you would think he would be on his absolutely best behaviour he is showing his true colours and being his real nasty self. Now or never my arse - just tell him - OK, it's never then, don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.

What happened to all the stuff you left at his house that he wouldn't return to you? What about the fact that he won't pay for his own son? What about the times your poor little DS was waiting for his daddy to come? How CAN you even CONTEMPLATE putting your DS in this situation to be hurt again. I won't even go into all the drugs etc and related lowlifes he would bring into your DS's life.

I can guarantee you will end up in the same boat in a matter of weeks and you may well find that your DM is not willing to throw good money after bad - in fact she probably doesn't have any money left to throw at all.

What happened to all the stuff you left at his house that he wouldn't return to you? What about the fact that he won't pay for his own son? What about the times your poor little DS was waiting for his daddy to come? How CAN you even CONTEMPLATE putting your DS in this situation to be hurt again. I won't even go into all the drugs etc and related lowlifes he would bring into your DS's life.

This ^ with bells on.

Walk away OP. Hold your head high and tell him to fuck off, once and for all. You let him into your home you're inviting this drug taking, drinking loser who will do nothing but break your heart walk right back into your life, through the fucking front door. You know what you have to do. Do it and don't look back. He's never going to be a decent partner or a decent father. He's a selfish git with addiction problems and the best thing you'll ever do is get him out of your life.

OP, I know someone exactly like him. A feckless immature, selfish man-child.

She has four children to him now, as he always went back and forth, saying he'll change, everything will be great. Oh look, boom, he hasn't been home since Thursday. His children are age 10 down, and they are not stupid. He'll end up with no relationship with them, all down to his own actions.

Don't do this. For your son.

Fuck sake, no!

No, no, no.

Can I just add, my son doesn't go nowhere near him without me. My little boy is my first priority, everything I do is for him. Before I had him I never wanted kids, was focused on my career.
When I fell pregnant I wanted the whole family thing. I wanted my partner to be the best dad ever because my boy deserves that.
I've put so much time and effort into this, phoning doctors, making sure he's ok. I think I just expected some miracle and somebody to tell me people do change.
I think I've lost myself a bit in trying to find him. A lot of it is scared to be alone and feeling so low. I just wanted everyone to be happy xx

So you've got a new house which your mum has kitted out for you, he never gave you a penny now wants to move in? How ideal for him.

I had 6 months of hell with an ex I desperately wanted him back and he was no way as bad as what you've just described, I had horrible anxiety I'd wake every morning feeling like shit, pestering for him to come home! He played me, and in the end I'm over it, he wanted to come back after those 6 months but I said don't bother. Your only 30 and even though it's easy enough for everyone on the internet to say if you really shouldn't get back with him, you need to be strong and get some self esteem you are worth so much more and can do anything on your own! Deserve so much better!

Annoys me seeing threads like this