AIBU about feeling my partners ex suggestions are weird

[bagpuss90]

I've been seeing my partner for a few months, we have some lovely times together and we've booked a holiday. We see each other over most weekends and he's very loving and attentive though we've not said the L word. I'm really struggling with his relationship with his ex though. He was with her for a couple of years and she finished with him because she had fantasies about someone else and said she no longer fancied him. Not very nice. They'd been split up about a year when we met. Now they've stayed friends which I'm fine with as I'm still friends with my ex - BUT he sees her about twice a week , they do cosy stuff together like cook meals. I can just about wear that but she keeps suggesting we all go out together on dates. Is it me or is that just weird and not on? I'd feel really uncomfortable with her being there. I think I'd feel if I touched him that I was making a point etc. I think my partner thinks I am being a bit unreasonable and I do think they are just friends. But I also think for her it's almost business as usual minus the sex if that makes sense. I'm not a jealous person but this is doing my head in and making me want to take a massive step back from him. I also question her motives. I wouldn't dream of behaving like that with my ex. I think she has the potential to wreck any future relationships he may have. I can't talk to my friends about this so any comments would be greatly appreciated.

I think thats pretty accurate too

I mean what wormulonian said. Anyway have decided a serious chat is in order

I think you should go on one of the dates. Meet her. Find out what she's like. You may find you have a new friend, rather than a rival. She clearly doesn't fancy him any more - but that doesn't mean they can't still be platonic friends. I am really good mates with my DH's ex - was recently her maid of honour at her lovely wedding to a smashing guy. I'm also still in amicable contact with my exP - we live in different cities but meet up every month or so. There's no sex/love interest there at all in any of these cases - we are just all grown ups who get along.

I think you have a good point but what concerns me is the "date" going pear shaped but I guess I'd have to deal with that in the day.

In the day

On the day even

I still think if it were my ex I'd be giving them space not muscling in

If the attraction isn't there then it's not there. I'm of the view that when 2 people stop sleeping with each other it doesn't make them lose their nice personality qualities.

Seeing each other twice a week might be more than I would consider usual, but cooking for each other is perfectly reasonable. I have a female friend and we take it in turns to cook and have a night in because it's cheaper than going out (and we can stay in scruffy house clothes).

If you're not happy with the friendship then I can see why it could be an issue for you (and I think it would be for a few women), but I wouldn't say the friendship is automatically a red flag.

It might be a disaster date, but it might be a great night out with friends.

Not every relationship break-up is totally acrimonious, leaving the two parties in a state of incandescent fury with each other. Sometimes things just run their course, or fizzle out. Just because two people can't be lovers, however, doesn't mean they can't be friends. Think about your own mates - how many of them would you really want to date??! Yet they are great friends, right?

Of course, sometimes there are legacies of feelings, and something isn't appropriate. It happens. But you can't know for certain that this relationship is like that! And it is controlling to say "You can't see X because it upsets me!" without having more reason than you currently do to think something is fishy here.

Honestly I couldn't and wouldn't put up with that

Has he been seeing her twice weekly since they split - so this is a long established routine before you came on the scene a few months back or have their meetings increased since you have been around?

If the frequency of meetings has increased since he started dating you then that would be a red flag for me.

It's a tricky one.

They could be just good friends and she genuinely wants to meet you/he wants to introduce you and all is good and above board.

Or she could be sussing out the competition and try to make you feel uncomfortable and push you out. Keeping him to herself as her back up plan..

Either way I'd go. Curiosity. And also to make it clear he was with me and not her.

Not many people would fancy a day out with the ex tagged on.

She'll be joining you on holiday before you know it.

It sounds like she's keeping him "on the hook" until she finds someone else. It's unfortunate but if he's happy with the arrangement, there's nothing you can do. I'd move on to someone that's emotionally available.

GTFO, NOW!!

He obviously still has feelings for her.......otherwise he'd be placing more value on yours.

I've decided to meet up for a drink with her-obviously with my bf there. I will make it clear though that he is with me -I don't mean I'm going to shove my tongue down his throat while we're out ! I think I will at least get a better feel of the situation. I'm unsure if they have always met up as often or if it's just since we've been together.

I think you'll be much more able to come to an accurate judgement of what this is about if you meet her in an open spirit of giving it the benefit of the doubt. I don't think you need to be territorial about him, either - he is with YOU. You shouldn't shy away from normal affection, but neither do you need to mount some embarrassingly public PDA! Just be yourself, and be confident in yourself.

Distinguishing between a vague feeling that a situation is not exactly how we would want it in an ideal world, and there actually being a problem that requires a change, is important. It takes a big effort to be fair-minded and level-headed in order to look at a situation squarely and to see not what we want to see, or what we fear to see, but what is actually there. It might be that this is completely innocuous. It might be that it's inappropriate. It's only by going along in a way that puts your own ego aside, and looking at the reality, that you'll know.

If he proposes how are you going to feel about her being a guest at your wedding?

Would love an update here. I was in a similar situation but it was a woman who my ex was carrying a torch for before I came along.

Unknown to me they were having cosy meals, barbeques etc. She hadn't wanted him as more than a friend but him meeting me maybe aroused a competitive streak?

In the end they fell out when she started seeing one of his friends but I remember feeling like you, though at least your partner is not doing it without telling you.

Anyway I wish I had listened to my instinct but really for the reason I never really trusted him after that for being sneaky and a good liar but sadly I had zero self esteem.

Just an update- we didn't meet. She couldn't make it.But he is still having cosy dinners with her

Do you think she got cold feet? Have you talked to him about it?

I'd have no problems with friendships, but from what you've said he's investing as much time and effort in his friendship with her than he his in his relationship with no. That's why it'd be a no from me.