Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU about feeling my partners ex suggestions are weird

93 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 09:52

I've been seeing my partner for a few months, we have some lovely times together and we've booked a holiday. We see each other over most weekends and he's very loving and attentive though we've not said the L word. I'm really struggling with his relationship with his ex though. He was with her for a couple of years and she finished with him because she had fantasies about someone else and said she no longer fancied him. Not very nice. They'd been split up about a year when we met. Now they've stayed friends which I'm fine with as I'm still friends with my ex - BUT he sees her about twice a week , they do cosy stuff together like cook meals. I can just about wear that but she keeps suggesting we all go out together on dates. Is it me or is that just weird and not on? I'd feel really uncomfortable with her being there. I think I'd feel if I touched him that I was making a point etc. I think my partner thinks I am being a bit unreasonable and I do think they are just friends. But I also think for her it's almost business as usual minus the sex if that makes sense. I'm not a jealous person but this is doing my head in and making me want to take a massive step back from him. I also question her motives. I wouldn't dream of behaving like that with my ex. I think she has the potential to wreck any future relationships he may have. I can't talk to my friends about this so any comments would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 07/08/2017 13:08

You're not his mum OP, if he can't bear to see the bad in anyone you will end up babying him until he grows up.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 13:09

I don't think cooking for each other is cosy- but they cook meals together.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 07/08/2017 13:21

There are 3 people in the relationship and she is happy with that (minus the sex).
If you are not willing to be number 3 ( and l certainly wouldn't be) just walk away before you get in too deep.

She will obviously play a big part in any future relationship he has and l don't think there would be many females willing to settle for this

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2017 13:52

Hmm, it's a tricky one. It could be that they are genuinely just good friends now and she just wants to meet his new girlfriend. Did she specifically say "dates" or did she just suggest a meet up of some sort?

Whichever, if you don't want to meet her, that's entirely your choice. I think your boyfriend may need to understand that a lot of women would not be entirely comfortable with him seeing so much of and being so close to a woman he had such a serious long term relationship with. He'll either have to find a girlfriend who will put up with that or make some choices he is currently avoiding.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 13:58

She didn't say dates - but suggested we go out for the day together

OP posts:
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 14:07

Also partnered dancing

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 07/08/2017 14:15

I don't think she's after a threesome.

I do think it's a seriously odd situation and I would not be very happy either!

Yes ex's can be friends blah blah blah but imo it's not on for them to be seeing each other twice awake doing cosy things such as cooking dinner etc! And to those who say "it's not cosy" of course it is! Would you like your husband/partner cooking a nice meal for his ex?

Does he cook meals for his male friends OP?

It's not about trust either. It's about respect. And I would find it disrespectful if my partner was off cooking dinners for an ex girlfriend.

I don't think he's over her. She's doing this to keep I'm dangling just in case.
They have no children together. They aren't tied to one another in any way.

I would walk away OP. He's obviously not ready to let her go

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 14:25

I honestly don't know what to think. He couldn't be more affectionate and loving when were together- I think he worries about her as shes had depression. He says she sees him as a big brother....

OP posts:
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 14:31

Might be worth adding that he seems on good terms with all his exes- I mean he meets one for a coffee sometimes - I'm totally fine with that. But this is quite something else...

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 07/08/2017 14:34

Invite your ex and introduce them, all go out together, to prove how bat shit crazy this is.
I bet if you suggest you cosy up to your ex a couple of times a week your partner wouldn't like it.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 14:36

Wish I could Gillybeanz - but my ex wouldn't go

OP posts:
rightwhine · 07/08/2017 14:49

I think she wants him back but she can see he's too loved up with you. This is to drive another wedge between you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/08/2017 15:02

I actually have a big brother...

...and I would die rather than go out for days with him and his partner, unless I was also partnered-up and it was the sort of day we'd all enjoy. i certainly wouldn't suggest that I went along on his next date, or that he took me and his date somewhere... it would be weird.

Sounds like she is lonely and wants to do stuff with him, which means you have to be there too (otherwise even he would think it was odd). Neither of them sound as though they have healthy boundaries, tbh.

crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 15:14

He says she sees him as a big brother....

And how does he see her?

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 15:56

That i'm not sure of....He says she is just a friend

OP posts:
WhiskeySourpuss · 07/08/2017 15:57

Might be worth adding that he seems on good terms with all his exes- I mean he meets one for a coffee sometimes - I'm totally fine with that. But this is quite something else...

Yep this is totally fine - I meet an ex for a coffee whenever I am in his area which is usually about every 3-4 months, we've even had the odd dinner out since we stopped dating (usually a case of "it's almost 6 shall we just grab some food instead of coffee?). But seeing each other twice a week having cosy dinners at home isn't normal behaviour for ex's - even friendly ones!

She's doing the classic 'I don't want him, but I don't really want anyone else to have him either, just in case I change my mind' thing... she knows exactly what she's doing by suggesting you all go out together and you can be guaranteed that if you agree to that you will spend the entire evening feeling like a big fat gooseberry!

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 16:09

Thats pretty much what I think... but where to go from here tho

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 16:10

That i'm not sure of....He says she is just a friend

But you have your doubts?

I must admit that I don't have any friends who I see twice a week for cosy cooking sessions. I don't see any exes for cosy cooking sessions, either. These two things probably say more about me than anything else though 😉😉

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 16:16

I think she is- but I still don't feel its a healthy relationship

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 07/08/2017 16:18

She wants her cake and wants to eat it.

She didn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

And he's to much of a wet blanket.

Run OP! Run!

ovenchips · 07/08/2017 16:19

But whatever the ex is thinking/ feeling/ plotting (as I said before why have any interest in her?) your boyfriend is allowing this situation. Your boyfriend is the one whose behaviour you should be looking at.

As for your confusion about what to do - it's painful to think about it head on but I don't think you're actually confused.

Tell him it bothers you and you want to come to an agreement about how to resolve it. If he only wants things to continue as they are and for you to change your feelings about it and be okay about it all, then you have an answer.

At such an early stage things shouldn't be like this though I can't help but think.

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2017 16:35

Yep Taylor thats what I said she wants her cake and wants to eat it

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 07/08/2017 16:42

Sounds weird to me. I can't think of any of my ex's who I would want to see twice a year, never mind twice a week, or have cook-ins etc with.
I can understand why you feel uncomfortable with things - it is as if he they haven't quite broken off the relationship.
Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? What does he say?

Wormulonian · 07/08/2017 17:03

Yep! She doesn't want him but doesn't really want anyone else to have him either. He is good company for her and a good support isn't he. Your boyfriend likes it - he likes being a "rescuer" (I'm looking out for her, she has depression etc). It blurs the boundaries.

If you go out for a "date" - she will be super nice and flatter you in front of him but talk lots about all the great things they did together - your BF will think she has been fantastic and won't get why you didn't enjoy the date or even seemed a bit petulant during it.

You need to tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, see what he says. He wants to see himself as a good person, her neediness makes him feel that but it makes you insecure.

thestamp · 07/08/2017 17:05

She and he have a relationship that predates you and it does sounds likely that there are some unrequited feelings in play that are likely to create complicated situations in future. However he's allowed to have that relationship and I for one would not question it. I'd observe it, decide if I'm ok with it, and then move on or not.

Having said that my dp is friends with almost all his exes and they are lovely girls who I like, without exception. We spend time with them, he spends times with them without me there, I spend time with them without him there, it's fine.

Twice a week is a big investment of time though... That is actually the part that makes a little bell ring in the back of my head tbh. Once a week would be a more normal friend cadence unless they were doing a shared activity like a sport that has say a practice plus a match every week, something like that. Twice a week staying in just the two of them, every week not just during a time when one of them needs a lot of support (e.g. during a bereavement) is a very high degree of intimacy. Tbh I'd expect that they still have sex / cuddle etc. Which again, is their business and their relationship predates yours, so it's a fit in or fuck off situation really. I'd not trust words in this situation. I'd read the actions and assume the truth (without being arsey about it iyswim - people are who they are, and they sometimes lie even to themselves).

The date thing is fairly weird if she is calling it a date. If she's just wanting to hang out and get to know you, that's not weird. Again, I have friendly relationships with several women who predate me in my dps life. It's fine, they're nice lasses.

You've got to decide what you're comfy with tho op.