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Original poster

Pushed him away with my anxiety

74 replies

anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:10

Similar to another thread. Due to a marriage that turned abusive and ended via cheated i have real anxiety with new relationships. The ex is still heavily involved and messes with my head a lot.
I met a new man. Lovely, reassuring. Just starting out really but my anxiety made me over think and analyse everything. Checking messages, making stupid hinting jokes about other women. I hadn't had a chance to explain my anxiety to him. He then had some problems with the mother of his child and went quiet for a few days. This made my anxiety go ott. I knew he needed some space but my overthinking drove me crazy. We agreed to meer then i totally over reacted about a thing he posted on social media. I know it wasn't anything now but he has now said he is fed up of eho i think he is even though he has constantly told me he isn't. He still is gling through his own problems too so had gone quiet with everyone. Yet i go and make it worse and about us. I am not a selfish person at all so don't know why i did this. I tried to apologise but he told me to leave it and doesn't want to talk.
Is it over for good? I keep drafting long messages to explain but then friends help me to not send them. They are saying to leave him to deal with what he is dealing with and to calm down at me. Do you agree l, how long do you leave it? I am so upset. Consumed by it really and don't want to do something desperate to.push him.away forever. He hasn't messaged me or arranged to meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:16

My long messages, that i haven't sent yet, include explaining about my anxiety and paranoid behaviour. How much i like him. All the positives between us. Highlighting how much he acted and said he liked me but then telling him that being cold isn't fair or very nice, which doesn't make sense if everything between us was true. I even know i sound crazy but the need to explain is overwhelming.

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TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 09:21

Sadly I think this ship has sailed. Your actions have spoken louder than any words you could say.

Take the experience though as a positive you can learn from for the future & move on. I think in the early days of dating in a new relationship it should be about looking no further ahead than the next date. Have lots of laughs, get to know each other and have lots of sex. But, most importantly be true to yourself & live your life with any new partner enhancing it, not being the main focal point.

Good luck Flowers

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 09:21

Anxious I mean this gently and kindly, but please don't send him any messages. Seriously. You will not get the response you desperately wish for and will then feel worse about things.

You say this was just starting out. Your response is seriously OTT for something so brand new, you were clearly far too heavily invested (probably because of past experience).

I don't know if you have had or are having any counselling for your anxiety but if not, you really should to ensure this doesn't become a repeated pattern. Good luck.

user1488575338 · 07/08/2017 09:29

DO NOT TEXT HIM!!!! He said he's got issues going on so just leave him to it. I screwed up massively with someone because I over reacted, my anxiety at the time was through the roof. If you start trying to explain its just going to look worse and confirm to him that he's done the best thing by ending it.

Take this time to work on yourself.

Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:29

If you imagine a library type setting where you can bump into the person and briefly flirt. That is how i met him. The flirting has been going on since January. Then he started coming out on his breaks to chat and have a kiss etc. Only had 2 real dates as both have children but had met a lot in the breaks from work. I know i sound ott. He hasn't said it is over. He said that he doesn't want anyone to get dragged into the situation he is trying to sort with ex. He seems to have problems too as shuts down with everyone wgen going through this. Do you really think there is no chance if i just leave him alone for a week then pop into the library. It is somewhere i go regularly anyway.
I have had counselling but it clearly didn't help. I can now recognise my behaviour. Tbh i wasn't that bad until ge went quiet with his own problems.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:32

He doesn't know i check messages etc i manage to control that. I never say why haven't you replied yet or anything.

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ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 09:32

Two dates and you're like this??

OP, with the best will in the world, you need better counselling. Or you are going to sabotage every possible future relationship.

Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:34

I know! But a lot of time meeting in breaks.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:35

And texting most days all day

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:38

He had said we were seeing each other and told me he was all mine. I hadn't called us more than friends. Honestly although i was really anxious he wouldn't have known until he went quiet with his own problems as that wad when i went all needy with him.

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ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 09:48

Told you he was all yours?

After two dates and lots of texting? That's just bloody weird, OP, and you may have dodged a bullet. However, advice remains the same. Get better counselling and don't spend any more time thinking about him or posting about him on here. It's done, over, move on, keep yourself busy to stop thinking about him. Work on yourself before entering the dating fray again.

Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:55

It was in a pic of him. I said how hot he was and he said and it's all yours. Not a long commitment type convo. Stop posting in here really? This is helping me keep sane and not message him. I need support. Thank you all for your advice. I honestly need to post on here. I can't keep driving my friends crazy with it all. I can't explain but the meetings in his break were a lot. This is all raw. It has only happened over last 2 days. I would have seen him more. He invited me a lot but my ex is still very controlling and i have to sneak around. Again another massive issue that need sorting but at the moment my mind is consumed by my new friend.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:55

I can't afford counselling. I have been through IAPT etc already.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 09:56

My friends think he has over reacted btw. I know i sound so desperate but i wasn't like this with him. Just in my head and to my friends.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 07/08/2017 10:15

IMO. You are not ready to have a new relationship. Get yourself some space, and possibly counselling.

then go back to dating.

catbasilio · 07/08/2017 10:18

I understand where you coming from OP. I am 10 months into my relationship after my cheating, lying ex and raised it was hard in the beginning. I was convinced my boyfriend goes to inappropriate levels with his female mates, and kicked off about it several times. One time I nearly dumped him. What helped that he acknowledged my anxiety, took his time to explain and was totally open (let me check his phone etc.). My anxiety has calmed down as I've known him better. My eyes are always open (and I am still over analysing) but at least it I've learn to focus on other things instead of scorching through his FB friends.

My golden rule is to do a physical activity when I feel anxious and it normally calms me down.

You may have pushed your guy away, but I feel he also has not helped by going quiet. That's the worst type I find! For now, try to stay away and do not contact him.

Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 10:35

When will I ever be ready though? The ex was a few years ago but is still on the scene messing with me to the point that outsiders would still we are together. Good luck Cat I am glad you have found one that understands. I will definitely do the exercise, i have body issues to so that will help both. Thank you.
I wish I had had a chance to explain to him, I think I didn't as i felt ok in the beginning or ironically didn't want to scare him off.
The way it has been left is so up in the air but get that i need to respect he needs space and has his own issues. He didn't say he was annoyed at my clinginess, it was what I thought of him by doubting him that has got to him. Thank you all. The posts are really helping me.

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eyebrowsonfleek · 07/08/2017 10:58

I really think you need the Freedom Programme or similar. I also agree with the advice that you need to be single and get yourself stronger so that if you have a relationship in future you can be emotionally ready.

PuertoVallarta · 07/08/2017 11:23

I feel like it doesn't matter if you send him the long messages or not. If it's meant to be, it will be and you won't scare off the right one.

I know my opinion is unpopular.

The only problem is that most people don't read long messages when they're on the defensive. A short and sweet "Hey, I overreacted but if you would like to hear my explanation I would like to meet because I really think we have potential together" message may be better.

Be prepared for the fact that he may not want to meet. But you haven't got much to lose by giving it another shot IMO. I have found that putting all my cards on the table doesn't necessarily make men love me, but I know now it doesn't stop them doing so which is very refreshing.

You may be imagining a connection that isn't there. But it might really be there, too. Not to give you false hope, just to say that relationships are messy and you have to get your hands dirty sometimes.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2017 12:23

You need to sort things out like your Ex. Why is he still bothering you and how have you tried to stop it?

With the new chap. You need to leave him alone. If you send those messages, he'll run further away from you.

There's a few low cost counselling services available that you can access.

user1488575338 · 07/08/2017 13:24

Wow, two dates!! This isn't a relationship. I'm unsure what to call it but it isn't a grown up relationship. Put it behind you and try and get your anxiety issues dealt with, this will serve you well going forward, hopefully into a healthier relationship.

Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 13:42

2 dates as in going out somewhere but met up nearly everyday for the last few months. I do need to get my anxiety in check though but honestly just going quiet is what set it off. It isn't all me. Just been on bike ride with one of my DC. Fresh air helps. Thank you as this is helping too.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 13:45

My ex is a really complicated situation. There are many reasons it isn't resolved. I get the strength to say something, he listens for a couple of days then resorts back to his usual behaviour. He needs help, he has no where else to go, he is the father of my DC's and I want them to have a relationship. They want him around. A lot less now but sometimes he has anger issues and has threatened to kill me or him if i change anything.
I don't want to give up the new guy yet either.

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Original poster
anxiousnow · 07/08/2017 13:46

If i don't challenge my ex we can get on well.

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user1488575338 · 07/08/2017 14:45

Read back what you said " I do need to get my anxiety in check though but honestly just going quiet is what set it off. It isn't all me" Him going quiet on you triggered your anxiety - this is very much your issue, not his. Men drop out of contact all the time for various reasons - you need to find a way to cope with that going forward.

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