Pushed him away with my anxiety

[anxiousnow]

Similar to another thread. Due to a marriage that turned abusive and ended via cheated i have real anxiety with new relationships. The ex is still heavily involved and messes with my head a lot.
I met a new man. Lovely, reassuring. Just starting out really but my anxiety made me over think and analyse everything. Checking messages, making stupid hinting jokes about other women. I hadn't had a chance to explain my anxiety to him. He then had some problems with the mother of his child and went quiet for a few days. This made my anxiety go ott. I knew he needed some space but my overthinking drove me crazy. We agreed to meer then i totally over reacted about a thing he posted on social media. I know it wasn't anything now but he has now said he is fed up of eho i think he is even though he has constantly told me he isn't. He still is gling through his own problems too so had gone quiet with everyone. Yet i go and make it worse and about us. I am not a selfish person at all so don't know why i did this. I tried to apologise but he told me to leave it and doesn't want to talk.
Is it over for good? I keep drafting long messages to explain but then friends help me to not send them. They are saying to leave him to deal with what he is dealing with and to calm down at me. Do you agree l, how long do you leave it? I am so upset. Consumed by it really and don't want to do something desperate to.push him.away forever. He hasn't messaged me or arranged to meet.

Really recommend putting some meditation into your life. You can find free meditation online. Try mindfulness - it takes work but it is worth it. It will help with your anxiety. keep working on yourself and take care of yourself as number one priority.

I haven't slept with ex this year.
Meditation sounds a really good idea, thank you. I will try it and do the more exercise already recommended. A friend said to me that the whole way i am overthinking not wanting to annoy him is a bad sign too. I have a right to ask him what is going on rather than just let him ignore me. I do not mean stalking or constant messaging in anyway. He has the right to his decision whatever it may be. I think i could ask if he is still quiet due to dealing with his own problems or it is now because he has decided it is over. Then completely respect his decision. How long is a good time frame to leave it before messaging to show i also respected his need for time?

A good time frame would be waiting as long as it takes him to contact you.

Well, ok if you really want to know what is going on then I agree, you do have a right to ask. It's just, why are you still interested in what's going on with him? Someone who is treating you badly and ignoring you after intense contact is by definition not someone who is a good long-term bet, and that's even without his dickish behaviour over the social media thing. If he's that great and it was all a weird blip he'll come back and explain himself won't he.

Don't message him. I know exactly what you're thinking "if I message him, he might start messaging me and we can sort it out"

I'd just leave it. i appreciate you're anxious and you're overthinking, but if he isn't texting you, why would you wanna text him?

Thank you. I am feeling a bit better today. As sad as it is i have to face the fact that everything he said about being different and always being nice to me, and how much he liked me, being patient and trusting him wasn't true but wow he was convincing. I will not message. I will stay away for now. When I do need to get books i will not seek him out and will try if i see him to just smile and walk on by. I don't think there is any point in asking him anything as it could be the same bullshit.
This will make me even less trusting now. Thank you all so much for your help.

You don't need to be less trusting. I do appreciate that comment but not all guys are like that one! Tread carefully, yes, but don't give up on love and trust.

You'll meet someone that's amazing for you. This guy had problems and coupled with yours, it wouldn't have worked. Don't blame your anxiety, a decent guy would have soothed your worries and fears, not ignore you and make you feel 10x worse.

Thank you Grooves

Further to this all he has now defriended me and blocked me on facebook. I'm obviously being ghosted now. I feel so hurt and confused and mislead. My kids have a book challenge for summer hols yet i have been staying away from the library. They keep asking me to go and i'm annoyed at feeling i had to stay away. Obviously you have to be quiet in a library but I am now anxious about bumping into him. Part of me doesn't want to see him and part of me wants to tell him how shit his behaviour has been.

I read back my initial post. The message checking only started when he went quiet, it wasn't before that and i can think of twice making a joke about other women. I really didn't act crazy with him. As usual self esteem makes me blame myself when really he has played me.

I read another post about oh addicted to his bong. This guy also is addicted to his bong as soon as he gets in at 6 the first thing he does is light up. He has a good job, nice car, nice clothes, doesn't smell etc but now wondering if this stoner thing is a link. I have another male stoner friend who just shuts down when things get tough too.

Go to the library with your kids. Ignore him if he is there, or if you meet him face to face, then just say hi and move on. He´s nothing, he´s not worthy of your time now. Take back your pride and use it.

Ok OP I've rtft and it's hard to follow but I think I've got it.

1. You don't need contact with your ex for your children to have contact with him. He can arrange a contact centre. Him being homeless is his problem not yours.

1. Stop sleeping with your ex

1. This library guy was interested and now isn't. That's his prerogative. He's made up his mind. If you need to write this all out then whack it in a letter and burn it.

1. You need to talk to the gp about NHS support with your anxiety.

1. Stop getting involved with people who take drugs. Your children deserve better. I know there are people that can take drugs and are fine or can be around drug takers and are fine but your not one of them.

1. Your anxiety is for you to manage, he asked for space and you didn't give him it. Yes your anxiety conflated things but you need to find ways to deal with that.

1. Go to the library with your children, if you see him just blank him. The prick doesn't own the library.

1. Breathe it's all going to be ok in the long run.

That is what is so annoying. He had proved he isn't worth the time i am spending thinking about him so why can't i stop.

Yes of course he can change his mind but in my mind seeing someone everyday and convincing them that you are so into them and weren't going anywhere at least deserves some notification that things are over. Even when he needed some time he still said we were together, it was time for issues not about me. He is the one that labelled us as together not me. Or am i out of touch. I knew people ghost but is this now the acceptable end? If it is then i am not cut out for dating with or without anxiety

I'm sorry this happened to you.
All you can do is try to accept it's over.
He may have a million reasons and might have nothing to do with you. He could have gotten back with his ex, maybe he has moved onto the next girl he might be a player... who knows.
You'll probably never know.
Stay strong , keep your head high , keep busy and try to forget about him. He obviously wasn't the right one or he would have been nicer!!!
Now tell your ex to get his life sorted please!
If he was a nice guy I'd understand but from what you're saying he wasn't very nice at all.
Tell him he can visit dd on that day at that time. Then he has to go and he has no business in your personal life.
Talk to your gp. You might get free counselling. It might help.
Start a diary... it always helps me 😊
Do nice things with your dd, focus on you! Not other guys or relationships.

The perfect one will come when you least expect it. Xxx

Telling you he needed space then blocking you was his way of ending things. It may have felt serious to you but it didn't to him. I'm not saying it's the right way to do things but it's done.

Yeah this is how some guys date and maybe some time out healing would do you good. I would also say traditional dating would doyou good. Not seeing someone everyday like this situation was but once a week and letting things grow x

Low self esteem impacts on all areas of life by it's very nature. You are overthinking this because your self worth is tied up in what he thinks of you/has done to you. The fact you have given someone you barely know this control is indicative of someone with low self esteem. Someone with healthy self esteem knows their worth and would look at this situation very differently, eg: how rude HE is, I deserve better, I'm not bothering with him again. You have turned this all inward. I've worked with a lot of people with low self esteem and it can negatively impact on your life in so many ways. Tackle it issue now. When your self worth is high, you won't be looking at someone like this to validate you, nor will you be so hurt by them. You have given this man so much power over your feelings. I know you say you talked a lot, but you don't really know him. You say he is the type that shuts down, as if you've known him years.You saw what he wanted you to see to likely get what he wanted.

Stop making this about him, make it a turning point for you. Tackle this issue now and you will change your life. And don't hide away from the library, that will only make this a bigger problem. Just ignore him completely or if it was me I'd smile and go about my business. He isn't worth this heartache xx

Thank you all. That is very helpful. My focus is wrong as you say.
The part about his problems was true however but end result is the same.
Yes looking back it was very intense very quickly which he directed. I did want to see so regularly too but we would have spent even more time together if it was up to him. I see now that that helped contribute to how hard this is now.
That is so true about the self esteem. I have been on the free counselling and it didn't really help me for example talking about the right to say to people didn't actually enable me to do it. I will look into improving this myself as it is very true that i am letting his ability to treat me like that as a reflection on me rather than him. I do know i don't deserve this treatment but am getting to caught up in how could he rather than how dare he and a lucky escape.
I read on the 30 days post to delete conversations. I think that will help as i keep looking at all the lovely things he said to me.
Thank you to everyone who has posted, it has all helped.

The right to say NO to people*

In future relationships need to be on an even keel sweetheart. So don't let someone be so intense with you if you want to just allow something to grow strongly. The more intense guys are the more likely they are to be emotionally immature.

Good luck op

X

Thank you x

Update - I have just got back from the library wirh my DC and bumped straight into M. He seemed pleased to see me. We had a little chat. He told me that he has shut everyone out for a little while as is failing to deal with his problem and it has all got to much. He knows it isn't the right way to deal with it but that he would be in touch soon. He seemed really sincere. I asked why the no contact for over a week and he replied that he had told me that he didn't want to drag me into it and needed some time. I don't know what to think now. I did tell him that it was fine to just say let's leave it but he was adamant he was being genuine. I am so confused. I want to believe him.

I wouldn't go there, it doesn't end well.

I've had first had first hand experience of dating someone that used his "problems" as a reason to fuck me off and then come back. After toing and froing, I just didn't reply to his messages.

Don't go there! Be strong, block and forget it.