Pushed him away with my anxiety

[anxiousnow]

Similar to another thread. Due to a marriage that turned abusive and ended via cheated i have real anxiety with new relationships. The ex is still heavily involved and messes with my head a lot.
I met a new man. Lovely, reassuring. Just starting out really but my anxiety made me over think and analyse everything. Checking messages, making stupid hinting jokes about other women. I hadn't had a chance to explain my anxiety to him. He then had some problems with the mother of his child and went quiet for a few days. This made my anxiety go ott. I knew he needed some space but my overthinking drove me crazy. We agreed to meer then i totally over reacted about a thing he posted on social media. I know it wasn't anything now but he has now said he is fed up of eho i think he is even though he has constantly told me he isn't. He still is gling through his own problems too so had gone quiet with everyone. Yet i go and make it worse and about us. I am not a selfish person at all so don't know why i did this. I tried to apologise but he told me to leave it and doesn't want to talk.
Is it over for good? I keep drafting long messages to explain but then friends help me to not send them. They are saying to leave him to deal with what he is dealing with and to calm down at me. Do you agree l, how long do you leave it? I am so upset. Consumed by it really and don't want to do something desperate to.push him.away forever. He hasn't messaged me or arranged to meet.

Thank you i see what you mean. I am not trying to make excuses but once before he dropped contact and i didn't freak. This time was time of the month and I hadn't slept all night. I think pms makes me a lot more frantic too. Thank you all for your advice. I have managed not to message today or go to the library. Done a lot more exercise and booked a hair appointment

I don't understand, you set up a schedule for your ex to see your children outside the house at his own house. And that's it. You don't need to contact one another. If he does just ignore.

Your making this hard for yourself.

As for the new relationship you are not ready and seen incredibly insecure which is understandable.

Be on your own. There is no hard it that. Concentrate on your children not on meeting someone and work on you.

The ex is much complicated than that but that isn't what i am dwelling on. He doesn't have a house. I don't want to identify myself my saying too much about him.

I haven't messaged and have stopped drafting messages. I don't think i explained the situation well enough here as my friends all think the nee guy has over reacted and that the only thing i did wrong was my reaction to the social media post. It was a really crude post about sexual activity with lots of women. Not nice.

We were meeting everyday. Shouldn't he at least say if it is over or something rather than just saying ge is annoyed and then ignoring me.

Why on earth would you want to see someone who posts crude stuff?
You don't even know this person well enough and TBH verging on a stalking mindset. You are way over invested in this flirtation. How o you know he isn't seeing someone else when he has gone quiet.
you aren't ready for a relationship.
Take the opportunity to be kind to yourself and just let it go.

Whenever i post on here i never word anything right.
I was seeing him nearly every day over a few months. I was the one who would refer to him as a friend. He was the one who called us more. I hadn't turned stalkery. I suffer from anxiety. His quietness triggered that. Yes i need to address that.
I was due to have a date. He posted something which was a quote from something that had sexual references. I over reacted once and asked what it meant. He was annoyed saying a quote. I apologised. He took it as me not trusting him that he was only seeing me said he was annoyed. He is the one who said he was only seeing me. I don't know who reads this and i don't want to identify him or me but giving exact details of the quote but it does make sense if i look at post he made before it. I haven't stalked him. I thought about the messages to send but didn't send.
I thought seeing someone everyday over a few months at least deserves an explanation chat or text. He is having problems himself so i have left him alone but it is obviously triggering my anxiety more.

He was also the one inviting me round most days in addition to the library meet ups. He told me he wasn't talking to anyone and had shut down due to the other problems not related to me. I think i am now caught up in that.

You need to walk away from it all. Stop over thinking and analysing. None of this is doing you any good at all. You cant make sense of the nonsensical.

Get help for your anxiety. Stay away from any potential boyfriends until you do. You need to look after yourself.

Thank you. What do i do about him though? I will have to go in library at some point. We are regular users. Do i ignore him? He has ignored me or do i just act normal?

The last communication was him saying he could do date as was at work. He was. I said sorry again about over reaction. That is it. I haven't sent anything else but 2 days before that he had said about yrying to dort his oen problrmd out but we would be ok and talk soon.

There are a couple of things going on here. Firstly, you're still in constant contact with a man who has threatened to kill you or himself, which isn't exactly a stable figure for the DC. You need to resolve this issue - he has a right to see the children if he's not a danger to them, but you don't need to facilitate this anymore than communicate times and places and make sure they're available. You don't have to chat to him, you don't have to socialise with him. Get this sorted first before you try to date, as it will inevitably impact on any relationships you may have

Secondly, you're not in a relationship with this new man. You're friends who are possibly becoming more. He may be lovebombing you, he may be controlling. However, your massive overreaction to his social media posts (even if they're a bit distasteful) would put most people off.

You need to be In a good emotional place to date, in order to meet good people and develop healthy relationships. At the moment, you're going to get anxious if someone is in the shower for too long and doesn't reply to a text. This is not healthy. The new guy may be lovely or may be a twat - either way, you can't get involved with anyone until you've sorted your own head out, and that starts by sorting out the situation with the ex.

If he kills himself, that's his own choice, harsh as that may be. But he won't. Men who use that line are far more likely to kill their ex than themselves.

On a day to day basis the ex acts calm. The real anger was the period he was cheating and after he left. It kicked off again when he caught me kissing someone after we had been separated for over a year.
Recently he has been fine. We can get on but I want him to seek counselling for himself and to get himself sorted. The threats haven't been said for a while and it was because i said about staying away. I do need to resolve this but he has no where else to go. I have over the last few weeks gor him to stay away a bit more but it is a slow process.

I didn't call the new guy a bf or partner. I referred to us as friends. The reaction to the social media was wrong but it was a question. I asked what it meant as made it sound like he had lots of women just for sex. He said he was annoyed i would think that. I hadn't said he did, i asked what it meant. He is sensitive to that subject as apparently it has been a problem before so i apologised and said i had got paranoid but wouldn't do it again. It was once. I have never stalked or commented on his facebook posts before.

He is the type that shuts down. He has done it once before. I didn't overreact then. He said he had some problems. I left him to it. I have never mass texted asking for a reply either although i admit in my head i would have been phone watching but he wouldn't know that. When he has been out with friends i have been totally relaxed saying to enjoy his night where as he would be the one to continue texting while out.

The day he told me he was not talking to anyone for a bit and needed to sort a mess out then the next day we had this disagreement. I really like him and he acted like he really liked me. I would say he was far more keen to be honest. I am hurt that he can just shut down now. Don't I least deserve a let's keave it text or to tell me if he is still shut down due to his other problems? Seeing someone nearly everyday warrants that at least doesn't it?

Before Ex terminated contact with DD, contact was at a Contact Centre. His parents still don't know where I live, so physical contact between them and DD is always somewhere in the city I live. Your relationship with your Ex is difficult but it isn't complicated, you won't be the first or last woman to fascilitate child contact with an abusive bully. The key is to disengage, disengage and to disengage, having strong boundaries helps.

The unresolved issues with your Ex are contributing to your anxiety. Essentially you're trying to control your new relationship because you had/have so little in your previous one.

Your desperation over this man doesn't do you, him or the dynamic between you any good. Despite the chemistry, you just aren't ready to be a) in a relationship or b) in a relationship with your current beau.

Personally, I think right now, the greater return on your emotional investment would be gained by setting stronger boundaries and detaching from your Ex.

Ok i didn't want to say but ex is homeless. That is the problem. I still care about his as father of my kids and he was genuinely lovely before his emotional affair. He us lost too.

I think you are all right that i really need to work on myself. This has knocked my confidence again so much. I don't understand how if all ge thought about was me all day that he had just dropped off the earth. I need some closure. He hasn't said it is over. The unknown is driving me crazy. Is he quiet due to his problems like he said or are we through too but shouldn't he say.

Seriously as PP have mentioned, you are way over invested irrelevant of whether it was two dates, or a couple of months of seeing him daily. I have no idea what you've said to your friends but I'm struggling to see how he was in the wrong if your posts on here are anything to go by.

I think you need to take a step back and take ownership of your anxiety rather than blame him for your reactions. Freaking out just because someone has gone quiet is not a normal reaction, that's on you, not him! The same goes for closure, sometimes shit happens and we don't know why. Yes it's nice to have a reason, but sometimes people aren't nice. Sadly that's life. You need to learn to pick yourself up and stop being beholden to everyone else.

I am going to go against the grain here.

OP the way you talk about this guy is that he is lovely, caring, interested etc. Yourself, you portray as someone with anxiety, acting clingy and making mistakes to push away a lovely guy.

Well, for a start the lovely guy has a lot of problems of his own - which are bothering him enough to want to take a space from seeing someone who was, as he said, more than a friend. Whom he has been texting and seeing daily.

I call it lovebombing and it's not a good thing. He did everything to get you attached and then withdrew. And you are blaming yourself.

Then he gets angry when you question a post of sexual nature. Why would he get angry if it was nothing? Men get angry at suspicions when they have something to hide.

Then he just disappears. Just because he feels like it. While you post frantically on MN trying to understand what you did wrong.

Seriously?

It's been two days. You apologised for overreacting. That's enough. Dont email anything. Now leave him be to sort out his things.

Just leave him be. He will come back after he's calmed down. And if you do get back together I strongly advise to treat him sceptically. He hasn't done much yet to deserve your affection. And by disappearing and hurting you he didn't help his case either.

OP this is textbook. He is not a perfect guy. And you are not a psychotic nutcase. You are both people with baggage. Like thousands of others.

Take care of yourself.

Sort out your mental health. Your relationship with yourself will set you up well for future romances.

As a lady with terrible anxiety and also, terrible pms! I feel for you.

My advice would be just leave him a few days, he's retreated due to his own problems, and I think that's a good thing. Would you want to be around a person that isn't fully there with you?

Maybe see a doctor about your pms?

You sound all over the place. The chances of you attracting a good stable man when you are like this are low. If he is someone who 'retreats' then he will not be good for your anxiety. You are not ready to have a relationship. Do you sometimes still have sex with your ex? If you do, that won't be helping.

There's a book called 'Attached' about adult attachment styles in relationships. Have you come across it? Could be helpful?

I asked what it meant as made it sound like he had lots of women just for sex. He said he was annoyed i would think that. I hadn't said he did, i asked what it meant. He is sensitive to that subject as apparently it has been a problem before so i apologised and said i had got paranoid but wouldn't do it again...

He is the type that shuts down...

I had to read this post twice to make sure it wasn't about your bastard ex. This new guy sounds like a complete tosser tbh. Ok you're an anxious person, but two dates in and he's getting cross with you and getting you bobbing round apologising for your feelings? Tosser.

The major reason why it's not a good idea to go into new relationships too quickly after really, really bad ones is you don't have the perspective to spot other dickheads.

Oh and I missed this: He is sensitive to that subject as apparently it has been a problem before

Yeah, I'll bet it has, other dates inconveniently objecting to him talking about using lots of other women for sex, how rude of them to raise the subject.

I had still be sleeping with ex. I haven't for ages now though.
Thank you all. These posts are really helping me. While still acknowledging i really need to sort the anxiety. I hadn't thought about mentioning the pms to the doctor, but will now, thank you. I think i am so strong in so many ways. My kids, work, family, friendships etc that sometimes there is nothing left to be strong and sort ex or be strong with my anxiety.
I know I need to work on my self esteem. I say sorry way too much and have a real problem saying no, so always seem to be helping others out while struggling inside myself. I also struggke with the way people act, i know i am a really nice person and really thought he was too. I still haven't heard from him but haven't messaged or been near. He was so sweet to me before these last couple of days. The weather isn't helping as need fresh air and activity with my DC.
Thank you all. This is really helping.

Glad it is helping OP

Also, don't beat yourself up too much here - you managing to calm an anxious reaction and step back is progress. You maybe realising this guy isn't all that is a perfectly normal thing - lots of us have dated tossers and realised a couple of dates in! Having good self esteem and ability to manage your anxiety isn't about never making any mistakes or having an off-moment, it's about being able to manage mistakes and off-moments because those things are just life

Wait - youve been sleeping with your ex until recently and starting a new relationship but you were cross about a FB post implying he was seeing other people?

And others still think you and your ex are together?

Disentangle yourself from the ex first. Then start dating.