Hooked--Narcissist/socio/pathological liar *HELP*

[Lipsy21]

Hi all,
sorry for the length of this
I am feeling very emotionally broken at the moment. Please don't give me tellings off or tell me to just get out etc. It's never that easy.

I have to say that pre this person I was always very strong, independant and my previous serious relationship (8yrs) ended due to wanting different things/growing up, ended amicably etc. I had a good childhood and haven't ever tolerated abusive people. Kissed a few frogs but would swiftly never see them again. Until him.
I have wasted the past year on someone who (in first 7 months) was amazing. It was very intense at the start and I thought I'd finally found mr right.
The spanner in the works here is that he does have a neurological illness (ms), he also has episodes of poor mental health. However, I really do think he is sociopathic/narc and he displays a lot of the traits.
I have never felt like this before confused, baffled, hurt etc.
He switches between jekyl and hyde mode a lot now. I feel I am very much in the throws of the devalue stage. Pre 7month mark he was great I always seen this lovely, friendly, supportive nice guy who was coping with a chronic illness (as am I). We don't live together but had planned on doing that soon.
But now 13 months later, I am seeing nastiness, compulsive behaviour, ignoring me for days, picking fights then denying anything has even happened, shutting me out etc. My mental health has dwindled and I'm deeply unhappy. When I confront him I am being told "this is all in your head, you're being overly sensitive".
As soon as I decide "stuff him" and stop contacting him he will be back with the I love you, you're my world, im sorry it's the ms, im depressed etc, please come back.
Its quite scary the change in him and how quick it occurs.

Truthfully, I don't want to be with him anymore. But I don't feel strong, I have never felt weak at the hands of a man...never! Now I've turned into this weak woman who will allow him back in every time he treats me bad. I am unhappy, insecure and feel confused. I have never felt like this in a relationship, nobody has ever treated me this way. even though I feel this way why I am I finding it very difficult to let go and not text him back etc. He's ruining my life. My friends and fam despise him now too .
My family often say "we haven't trusted him from day one he's bad news".

I know another guy (known him since we were kids) who has told me he really wants a relationship with me, I've dated him before and he was lovely. He is very "normal"(whatever that is) which at the moment is so attractive. Yet I still keep crawling back to mr jekyl and hyde who can't build a stable future with me, he has a criminal record (drugs/driving), up to his eyeballs in debt, and now the personality issues.

As soon as we part I find myself worrying he will meet someone else. When I should be thinking good luck to the poor soul who ends up with him. I DONT UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I am clearly in love with him but I don't want to be. I'm losing weight, my illness is flaring and I can't even focus on daily life. Even doing dishes or.washing is a chore I've become despondant. However, if things are good between us im back to my old cheery self.

We are polar opposites, why am i so effed up that I'd want to even be with someone like this? I think I often feel bad for him due to his ms. As I have a chronic degen condition too and know how scary it can be.

Have any of you gone through this behaviour and how do you get rid?
Please tell me your own stories in great lengthy detail I need distraction lol.
Thanks in advance x

Trust your instincts, you are right.

There is one obvious mistake you are making. You stay in contact when you split. This allows him to work on you. He knows how to break you, how to slowly destroy your will.

Block him completely this time. No contact at all. If you do that then he can't work on you can he?

Why did you stop dating the other guy?

@loveyoutothemoon I honestly don't know. My ex was "working" on me I guess

Hey I've just started a somewhat similar thread, it's about my now ex - who I thought was a narc, but compared to your guy seems rather benign... Or perhaps nasty in a more underhanded way.

I don't think I could have ever left the guy, I know where you're at emotionally. What killed it for me was the fact that there came a point I was a complete emotional wreck spawning insults at him and he ended it mighty offended and of course making me feel like a total lunatic, crazy bitch.

But sod it, it all turned out for the best. I'm now very happily married, no more hassle.

Aww @relevante thank you. I can completely relate. He has done this a few times where I end up going mad at him and shouting/insulting. Because I'm at breaking point. X

Been with a narc. The only answer is no contact.

30 days. Just do 30 days
Then see how you feel
No being pulled back in. Think of it like drug rehabilitation
If you can go 30 days without the crack then you can go another 30 days and then another
Narcs don't let you go, EVER
it has to be you deciding life over the drug

I also turned into a batshit crazy bitch
I am not that person, but I thought I was TOTALLY unhinged
He will be back

No contact. It is the only way.

Good luck.

Baggage Reclaim is a podcast & blog that could really help you make sense of things. You should check it out.

I have a narc in my life; three years later and I'm still not over it. All you can do is see no contact as a gift to yourself, and take it a little bit at a time. I'm still taking it a day at a time and I wonder if I'll ever be free of it. Have you heard of trauma bonding?

Hi OP. I have never been with anyone quite like your P, although looking back, one exbf had potential.
Try reading your post as if it were a third person. What advice would you give them?
All I would say is that you do not have to spend the rest of your life like this. You must go 'no contact'. Don't feel guilty, it is not your fault.

Hi OP , I stupidly stayed with a narc when my gut screamed run. I too had been very independent, happy & professional but he tried to take all of that away & still is. I finished it and he hates me for that. Run as fast as you can and as pp said go no contact. It'll be hard at first but you are worth so much more than this. Your family & friends are beibg honest with you, please listen to them. Things will not get better, only worse. For you

@Lipsy21 @Ginlovinglady

They do that to us, they do whatever they want with zero consideration, but when you speak out and try to stand up for yourself, you very quickly get framed as the crazy bitch.

People say "they always come back" but I wouldn't say that's necessarily the case. They only come back if you manage to call it quits first and exit with some dignity. They hate that, you are there to feed their ego and they suck you dry until you become a raging anxiety ridden lunatic, at which point you are mentally conquered and undesirable. Then they discard you. At least that's what happened in my cause, though he was still open to some post relationship ad-hoc sex (I drew the line there, and then had zero problem with going "no contact" as he wasn't pursuing it.) That makes you feel even worse, trust me - so if you can find it in you to leave on your terms, do it. I'd do wonders for your dignity.

Not trying to hijack the thread bit just to say...
Mine was very happy to swiftly move on to a blonde, then a man and for the last few months he's been in a more "official" relationship with someone new again.

Agree - no contact is the only answer.

Don't feed them.

Just wanted to add @Lipsy21 , I too tried to leave him many times in the relationship but he just wouldn't let it happen on my terms and I wasn't strong enough and caved in to his charm. He was fine to dump me when I was all in tears and broken, but I distinctly remember a time two months earlier when I requested he'd give me space for a week and don't contact me - he not only DID contact me, he was parked in front of my house 20 minutes later, beeping at me to come down.

So just to reinforce what other posters have said - run! And do it on your terms. They can turn from that obsessed controlling boyfriend into a cruel indifferent cunt in like, 5 seconds. If he decides to leave you eventually, he won't look back.

Omg @relevante it sounds like we have met the same guy wow! That part about asking for space, I remember a similar time, I was harassed by calls and texts for days. Hoovered/love bombed.

I suppose I know what I have to do myself and that is get rid of him. But I do find it hard.
I think I am in the throes of a trauma bond.

Thanks everyone btw. Really appreciate your help.

@relevante I am dealing with cruel indifferent cunt now.
What frightens me is the amount of people who have been through this. So many narcs? Its scaryyyy

I am in a similar situation op. I've done my best to stay no contact. It's better for my mental health. I tried to leave several times and always ended up back. He devalued me so much my self esteem was practically non existent. This time I'm determined to stay no contact. I think it will take a long time to get over.

@yellowpaisley that's awful I'm so sorry you're going through this too. If you don't mind me asking in what way did he devalue you?
Mine doesn't ever name call or attack me verbally. He will just ignore, silent treatment and when I confront he denies and says im over sensitive.

@Lipsy21 Yes I think that's one of the biggest signs - the love bombing and adoration when you try to get out or in the beginning. FFS, mine used to write romantic letters, and plant them on my car when I was at work :-/

Just read what @YellowPaisley said about devaluing and your response.

I don't think it's always as obvious as name calling or acts of physical violence etc. It depends how sophisticated they are as individuals. It can be obvious or it can be the ever present judgement of your tastes in music, food, friends that's often expressed by "jokes" here and there or just body language, facial expressions, cold-shoulder or you're suddenly not welcomed to come out with him and his friends.

Perhaps you should ask yourself if you ever felt a bit like you were trying to mould yourself in a certain way to appease him - should give you an answer whether he devalues you in some way. It's not a universal advice, since someone who's generally codependent would have such a tendency anyway, but you seem to have been a strong confident woman in her own right before meeting him (going by your OP)

I wonder if mine is doing it to his new girl, had a glance at her FB she's changed from just a regular lass with a bunch of girly friends to some arty-farty hippie already

Subtle wee things, like if I told him about my day say things like good story, apart from in the beginning or I wanted out he would never tell me he loved me. He hated me telling my friends or my family anything about our relationship and I mean anything not personal information, to the point where I withdrew and stopped. He wouldn't have his picture taken with me, because he didn't like to have his picture taken but his social media proved otherwise. If I stayed over at his after the initial few months he would tell me not to wake him, like I was a child! Towards the end things really fucked me up. He would flat out lie about things he had done and it would descend into massive rows him trying shifting the blame onto me. For example he sent a message to a friend (not close) but nice enough to let me know it wasn't appropriate. Even with a screen shot of it, see still blamed me or having friends that would tell me what he was up to. I guess this was him realising he had sucked the life out of me and was liking for his next piece of entertainment. He got told to do one.

Latterly my self esteem was so fucked I struggled to get our of it. Thankfully one day not that long ago I broke down to my Mum. Told her everything and found the strength to walk away. My life has improved so much already but he got so under my skin it going to take a while to get past it.

It's hard to get your head around it, he chased me in the beginning and it was brilliant. Unfortunately I was too blinded by love to see why he was doing to me util it was too late.

You live and learn

@relevante thanks for all your info it's so helpful.

I definitely didn't mould myself to appease him ive always had my own sense of self and will stand by my own thoughts etc. Always had my own interests too. Actually he doesn't have any interests haha other than gaming.

Yep the devalue I've been experiencing is lack of affection, cold shoulder, ignoring me and just generally not being nice. Probably, ironically the offensive things he has said is you're too sensitive. Then that hits my sensitive nerve haha and I get angry. He will then blame it on his mental health. He actually says "I can't help it when I do these behaviours,I don't understand my mental health"..... I can't understand that.

Oh gosh the poor turned arty farty girl she doesn't know what's in store for her.

I wouldn't say he name called me as such either, more like your crazy, it's all in your head, you make things up - even when the facts were right there.

I'm just so glad to have the head space back and to be moving forward. I know it's hard, it really is. I just don't feel the same about him anymore. He just pushed me too far.

Underneath I'm still the same me fighting to get back out of this and be happy again