Hooked--Narcissist/socio/pathological liar *HELP*

[Lipsy21]

Hi all,
sorry for the length of this
I am feeling very emotionally broken at the moment. Please don't give me tellings off or tell me to just get out etc. It's never that easy.

I have to say that pre this person I was always very strong, independant and my previous serious relationship (8yrs) ended due to wanting different things/growing up, ended amicably etc. I had a good childhood and haven't ever tolerated abusive people. Kissed a few frogs but would swiftly never see them again. Until him.
I have wasted the past year on someone who (in first 7 months) was amazing. It was very intense at the start and I thought I'd finally found mr right.
The spanner in the works here is that he does have a neurological illness (ms), he also has episodes of poor mental health. However, I really do think he is sociopathic/narc and he displays a lot of the traits.
I have never felt like this before confused, baffled, hurt etc.
He switches between jekyl and hyde mode a lot now. I feel I am very much in the throws of the devalue stage. Pre 7month mark he was great I always seen this lovely, friendly, supportive nice guy who was coping with a chronic illness (as am I). We don't live together but had planned on doing that soon.
But now 13 months later, I am seeing nastiness, compulsive behaviour, ignoring me for days, picking fights then denying anything has even happened, shutting me out etc. My mental health has dwindled and I'm deeply unhappy. When I confront him I am being told "this is all in your head, you're being overly sensitive".
As soon as I decide "stuff him" and stop contacting him he will be back with the I love you, you're my world, im sorry it's the ms, im depressed etc, please come back.
Its quite scary the change in him and how quick it occurs.

Truthfully, I don't want to be with him anymore. But I don't feel strong, I have never felt weak at the hands of a man...never! Now I've turned into this weak woman who will allow him back in every time he treats me bad. I am unhappy, insecure and feel confused. I have never felt like this in a relationship, nobody has ever treated me this way. even though I feel this way why I am I finding it very difficult to let go and not text him back etc. He's ruining my life. My friends and fam despise him now too .
My family often say "we haven't trusted him from day one he's bad news".

I know another guy (known him since we were kids) who has told me he really wants a relationship with me, I've dated him before and he was lovely. He is very "normal"(whatever that is) which at the moment is so attractive. Yet I still keep crawling back to mr jekyl and hyde who can't build a stable future with me, he has a criminal record (drugs/driving), up to his eyeballs in debt, and now the personality issues.

As soon as we part I find myself worrying he will meet someone else. When I should be thinking good luck to the poor soul who ends up with him. I DONT UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I am clearly in love with him but I don't want to be. I'm losing weight, my illness is flaring and I can't even focus on daily life. Even doing dishes or.washing is a chore I've become despondant. However, if things are good between us im back to my old cheery self.

We are polar opposites, why am i so effed up that I'd want to even be with someone like this? I think I often feel bad for him due to his ms. As I have a chronic degen condition too and know how scary it can be.

Have any of you gone through this behaviour and how do you get rid?
Please tell me your own stories in great lengthy detail I need distraction lol.
Thanks in advance x

Please try and get hold of the book 'Why does he do that?' I think it was someone on Mumsnet who originally mentioned it for anyone suffering through emotionally abusive behaviour, and my God it was the best book I have EVER read about narcissistic and cruel men (and its almost always men to women, not the other way around) .
It's written by a man, a doctor, who specialises in treating these types of controlling and abusive natures in men.
I had so much help and so many lightbulb moments from this book and its well written and easy to get through.
I really cant praise it highly enough.
One line particularly stuck with me 'men don't respect women they abuse. And they don't abuse women they respect'. And one point to remember is that (sadly) the periods of nice loving behaviour are just part of the abusive cycle, they are not a separate thing, or a different part of their nature, or a sign of becoming a better person. It's all the same.
I speak as one who knows.

@yellowpaisley there are a lot of things you have said which have rung true with me. The bit about you not telling family/friends about his behaviours. Mine would get annoyed at me too and tell me that it was nobody elses business. Bloody awful!!!
It is horrible the hold these freaks can have and like you say, totally get under your skin.

I literally want to wash that man right outta my hair

@princesscasino thank you for your advice I will definitely be giving that book a go! Xx

My love, if he is THIS awful this quickly, he is a really dangerous man.

I had 10 years of similar. it was endless and utterly eroded me as a person.

YOu genuinely CAN get this creep out of your life

I can honestly say, years after him leaving, that I am the best and happiest I have ever been.

My ex used to lie about me to make me look bad. Telling the truth would make HIM look bad. Remember this.

The truth really DOES set you free.

That book is a life saver! i have read it over and over and lent it to others similarly afflicted!

@Hissy thank you!! You're so right. I am feeling strong today and this is my first day of no contact. Hopefully I can remain this strong xxx

@Hissy great to hear that you have read the book too and found it so helpful. It really is special, isn't it? And somehow even more amazing that a man wrote it. I wish I'd discovered it years ago but if I can help anyone else by recommending it to them I will do! Just checked on Amazon, its got over 300 reviews and 5 stars which I didnt know before...
@Lipsy21 I hope things get better for you. I had 5 good years with my ex and then 5 years of absolute hell and confusion and Jekyll and Hyde behaviour, but not all the time every day - the memories of the good person I knew he used to be and still sometimes could be, kept me going back. That's 10 years of my life I can't change, all I can do is learn from it and not go back. Best of luck truly x

I had a similar relationship last year. Best thing I did was get rid, I did keep contact for a bit but it didn't benefit me in the slightest and I told him so. He was very, very bad. Groomed and manipulated me when I was most vulnerable, purposefully lost his job and home so he could move in with me, would put on crocodile tears every time I asked when he was going to sort himself out, he lied to me from day one, stole from me, was a coke head and alcoholic. The lies came out when I finally contacted his 'crazy' ex wife. A nightmare I could write a novel about!!
Get out and DON'T LOOK BACK!

@rockabillyruby82 oh my goshhhhh. Again all of this rings true with me. Mine was apparently addicted to coke before he met me. Said he was an addict for a year. Also, I contacted his ex and got a barrage of stories from her side and was disgusted when I realised the lies he had told me.
You're right I do need to get out. Good for u getting out too.

Can't thank you all enough for propping me up on here x

@princesscasino thank you, that must be so hard knowing it's been that long. I can relate as I see snippets of who I met before too. He can be so supportive, kind and caring then flip into this awful person. It's vile.

So already had two texts, I have blocked him and deleted his number but the texts go into the blocked folder on android.
Already asking "can I call you"

I am going through the same thing, I'm still trying to get out of it , I too would worry about him moving on, someone else having him ect and why ? I too was confused by it . But I can go one worse , I have a child with this person, id love to fully close the door on him . I feel down depressed, eat everything in sight feel the need to have a drink most nights, it's just ruined me, I'm trying hard to get me back but it's a battle

@user1499288566 oh noooo. It's horrible. U poor thing. I often thing of him meeting someone else then I think good luck to her. The poor soul will go through hell too. Then I think of how much of a loser he is aswell.

Went through something alarmingly similar, I just managed to get out a bit faster (4 months in).

I am still recovering. Given that I am very empathetic and sensitive, the damage his abusive behavior as caused to me is even bigger that it would have been otherwise.

Last time I checked he was dating a stripper and grooming a virgin 20 yo in the meantime (he is nearly 50). Lovely lovely bloke

@Namila oh my! Sounds awful!!!!! Glad you escaped

Here's the book www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Inside-Controlling/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Thank you. Just downloaded it on kindle

This guy moved quickly on to someone else. He had a cycle of getting a job, renting a room, finding a victim then conveniently losing job and room.
I had a woman knock on my door asking about him, she'd let him a room and he'd stopped paying rent. With her help I found his new victim and contacted her. I saved that one
He was something else, gave the impression he was a great bloke, spun stories about his ex.
It's 10 months since I kicked him out and I now have anxieties about dating and in particular having someone in my home.
OP, you said in your post you don't have the strength. You do! And we'll all be your strength!! Get this parasite out of your life!

@rockabillyruby82 omggggg. He was the same, not bothering with rent and has jumped from flat to flat. Awful!!!!
How do these guys do it? Proper sociopaths. I literally feel like I've had the life sucked from me. Thank you I hope so, I have to do it

My ex is narcisstic , diagnosed and the first 6 month's of our relationship was perfect ,(the rship he had after ours the woman said the same , first 6 month's were amazing) I couldn't have asked for a better guy , then the next 6 years was a rollercoaster I couldn't get off. It's given me ptsd, I've lost everything and the thought of one day seeing him again scares the life out of me . Blame , denial and him constantly punishing me became my life. I would say do what you can to get the hell out coz I promise it won't get any easier . It's like they reel you in with a bravado that they can't keep up but by then you keep sticking with them hoping they will change .

They don't ! You just change to put up with their behaviour. You lose yourself . Good luck , the behaviour will get worse!

He tried to isolate me as well. He argued with my mum and sister so they didn't want to come round and he made my friends uncomfortable and they stopped coming round.
He also use to psycho analyze me all the time and pick at things I said.
I still get angry thinking about him. I have seen him once since he left, out in a pub. My sister picked a fight with him

Oh, and I had two men from the magistrates court knock on my door looking for him.

I have very recently exited a similar "relationship" have you read up on limerance and trauma bonding? Everything there really resonates with me.

I actually think I came close to insanity, I lost myself and neglected everything because I was so intoxicated and infatuated . We had a very on/off relationship from a few months in. The sad thing is, I knew in my gut he was full of shit, used to laugh him off and treat him like a fuck buddy.

He gradually wormed his way under my skin, he said he has aspergers, tbh I doubt even that (I also used this in my own head as an excuse for his shit behaviour). The first time he allowed me to visit his house, he had a book by machiavelli, that did give me a when he was more of a star trek dude.

Quite obviously he used me at every turn, turned out not to be the person he portrayed himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he believes the lies he tells himself. It turned fully crazy when I discovered his true self, I excused things and even indulged things Im seriously ashamed of. I even retaliated and became someone I didnt recognise.

I'm no longer in limerance with the massive arsehole, but jesus he has destablised me massively. I blame myself because there were so many times I could have easily walked away, with less consequences to myself. He reeled me in again and again. I allowed it, not going to lie. Quite glad i'm not his ever perfect first love (who he spent all of 3 weeks in her presence) he is still stalking her after 8 years.

Jesus what were we all thinking.

What hold do they have on us. I don't have a pattern of intense or stormy relationships. Was with only other ex for 14 years. Bewildering.

Unless you have been through this I don't think it's possible to understand. It's so easy to say ltb, but so overwhelming when you are in this state.

Mrsjohnmurphy YES YES YES to everything. I feel and experienced exactly the same.

Especially the whole "I knew he was bad news but he somehow managed to convince me my initial gut feeling was wrong". I will never ever ignore my gut feeling about a man again.