Mum having an affair - don't know what to do

[user1500500870]

Hi everyone.
I'm a 28 yr old woman who found out several months ago that my mother was having an affair. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time and really couldn't deal with the affair so I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it.
How I found out was completely by accident, my mum was showing me a picture on her phone that had been sent in a text message, she handed me her phone to look at it and I accidentally clicked "back" and it went to the main message inbox. I seen an extremely explicit message and clicked on, couldn't believe what I was reading as my mum is so conservative.

However as I said I pushed it back and tried to forget. Told my husband as it was driving me mad! Baby is now 3 months old and on a recent holiday I found out that the affair is ongoing, I was in my mums room drying my hair and again, further explicit messages came up on her phone - the identity of the man was revealed, and I found that it was her best friends husband, who my dad is very close with.
Part of me thinks to do nothing as it's my parents life, none of my business. Which I do agree with, I just find the whole thing so outrageous.
I have one sibling who I am very close with, she would be devastated to find this out. Only me and my husband know.

Any advice?

loveyou absolutely, father and son-in-law are two different kinds of relations. The common denominator is mother and daughter though. A daughter won't want her life ruined by her mother's act as much as mother wouldn't want that from daughter.

Since in OPs situation a father is involved, even more reason not to take sides and not to assume the role of a judge.

Frankie

And they will continue being mum and dad to OP. Their personal relationship is their business though. It's not OPs place to interfere.

Every betrayed spouse wishes they had been told if others knew before they did.

If you choose to say nothing now and it eventually comes out - you should pretend you didnt know - otherwise it could break your father heart. If you choose not to confront your Mother or tell your Dad then you should not tell your sister as she might insist on doing so against your wishes and then you two both fall out.

If you speak with your Mother first she would tell you if there is "an arrangement" - or not. So no need to approach your Dad - thats if you can trust her to tell the truth.

Those who have said that they regret exposing the affair because of the fall-out are mis-guided. Dont shoot the messenger. The fall out is due to the actions of the betraying spouse. The fall-out would be the same if the betrayed spouse had found out themselves or if they had been told.

Your relationship with your Mother is now forever flawed as you have this info - she might as well know why.

"Their personal relationship is their business though. It's not OPs place to interfere."

Its not "their business" though if one half is in the dark, there are lies, betrayal and deception.

Once the truth is out (it maybe that it is already) - when info is equal - then I agree "It's not OPs place to interfere."

Still their business only.

You have got to do what is best for you. The messy situation is not your fault, and if you speaking to your mum/dad/sis makes things worse for a while, that still won't be your fault!

Clearly you knowing and doing nothing is very difficult for you and it's probably hard for you to act normally around your family. That isn't fair on you.

I think you need to share what you know with your sister and then decide together what to do next.

Joinourclub thank you for acknowledging that none of this is my fault. I have to keep in mind that I have done nothing wrong, I wish I had never found out about this.

As someone mentioned earlier, if it was a random single man this situation would be much more straight forward. Thanks all for advice

If you are going to sit aside and keeps on getting frustrated , your family will automatically be destroyed.............so talk to your mom and tell your husband to talk to her affair partner........they are destroying two families and as a family member its your duty to talk to your mother.......otherwise wait till your mother ruins two families and wait till you come to the state of regret where you will wish that if you had done something about it earlier.........there is a saying that triumph of evil is due to good man doing nothing

I’d tell her you know give her a chance to wake up to what she is doing and stop. I probably wouldn’t tell you Dad due to his health. Crap situation for you.

Zombie thread

You don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Your dad may already know. The affair may even have his approval. There could be some sort of wife swapping scenario going on. I’d stay out of it, but be ready to provide support if needed.

LellyMckelly.........if thats the case ,what harm is there to talk to cheating mom

zombie thread

Why do people resurrect threads that have been dead for a year?

Trouble is woth threads like this you wonder what happened in the end!!!!

Talk to your DM. If you think that she is having an affair after that conversation then remaining silent at that stage would make you part of the conspiracy against your DF. I would give her a chance to own up and then speak to DF if she would not. You can't un-see what you have seen.

Oh FFS just seen that it's a zombie thread.

As a fellow 28 year old and seen as it is your dads 'close friend' i would have the awkward conversation with her and just let her know that you know and that you are disappointed.

But that is all

I am so sorry you’ve inadvertently been brought into it. To me, that’s what has happened by accidentally seeing those messages.

In my own family, we view affairs as morally wrong. I have had discussions with my own children about that. You don’t do it. I’m sure if it were your husband having an affair and your mother found out, she would be yelling yelling you or even if it were you having an affair and she found out

If if were me, I would talk with her about it. Telling her how you found out (you were not snooping), how upsetting it is that it has caused such ancurry you have had to speak w your husband about it.

If it were me, I’d discuss how disappointed in her you are, being to her attention the devastation the affair would bring to your dad, the family AND her friend. Women should not be doing this to other women. And it’s her best friend!! That is just so horrible.

If family can’t talk to one another about major life issues - and this is one- who then? I could not in this instance be if the mind it’s none of my business. If it’s in my family, close family, it is. I would be the same way if it were one of my children or sibling too.

So sorry for you and your family.

ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD

Stay out of it. Are you certain your DF doesn't know? If you tell your DM to end it, what will you do if she refuses? What will you do if you tell DF and he says, in effect, "So what"?

Your DM is a grown woman with her own life. Leave it alone is my advice.

Hiii user1500500870, what is happening now with your mother.......... Has she ended or still going on

Stay out of it, it could burn itself out naturally. If you stir the point that could precipitate unwanted action.