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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum having an affair - don't know what to do

97 replies

user1500500870 · 06/08/2017 12:23

Hi everyone.
I'm a 28 yr old woman who found out several months ago that my mother was having an affair. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time and really couldn't deal with the affair so I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it.
How I found out was completely by accident, my mum was showing me a picture on her phone that had been sent in a text message, she handed me her phone to look at it and I accidentally clicked "back" and it went to the main message inbox. I seen an extremely explicit message and clicked on, couldn't believe what I was reading as my mum is so conservative.

However as I said I pushed it back and tried to forget. Told my husband as it was driving me mad! Baby is now 3 months old and on a recent holiday I found out that the affair is ongoing, I was in my mums room drying my hair and again, further explicit messages came up on her phone - the identity of the man was revealed, and I found that it was her best friends husband, who my dad is very close with.
Part of me thinks to do nothing as it's my parents life, none of my business. Which I do agree with, I just find the whole thing so outrageous.
I have one sibling who I am very close with, she would be devastated to find this out. Only me and my husband know.

Any advice?

OP posts:
gruuumbleweec · 06/08/2017 13:30

I think that you should keep it to yourself. Although this seems like a betrayal of your Dad, you are not privy to their private life. Have you thought that, for your mum , this is her way of coping with the life she has, married to your dad?

It is a dreadful strain being married to someone with depression. Although we marry 'for better or worse' who can possible say that they will be strong when the worse happens.

What will anybody gain from you speaking of this? If you speak, you will destroy so many lives. Your Dad in particular will lose his friend and this could possibly send him further into mental depression.

BifsWif · 06/08/2017 13:32

You need to speak to your mum, it's not fair that you have to carry this in your shoulders.

What your mum chooses to do after that is her decision.

BifsWif · 06/08/2017 13:32

On*

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 13:35

I wasn't criticising you for telling your husband, I just wouldn't be able to tell my DH such a thing, because he wouldn't see my mum the same way ever again.

That's very considerate of you not telling your sister in the middle of her dissertation as well. It's hardly the news you ever want to have share.

Anonymously?

  1. Via a typed letter sent by special delivery to be signed by the addressee only
  2. set up an email account (not in your name) and tell her that way

There's another method, but it involves sending a message to her phone, via an on method... It's a bit technical. You don't need that hassle with a 3 month old and there's a risk your dad could see the message.

I feel for you being in that position. As a 10 year old, I feared divorce if I told my DM. if I was older, the me of today would have confronted my dad and told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him and he wouldn't be seeing his grandchildren if he didn't stop and that once I told the rest of my siblings he'd be a very lonely old man.

Anyway that was over 30 years ago now. It's such a horrible thing.

VulvalHeadMistress · 06/08/2017 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherylvole · 06/08/2017 13:47

I had this with a relative. We decided not to say anything. I'm happy we didn't.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 13:47

Have you thought that, for your mum , this is her way of coping with the life she has, married to your dad?

So it would be fine with you if you developed MH issues and your spouse cheated as a coping mechanism?

Cherylvole · 06/08/2017 13:49

We didn't know if the partner knew. It was none of our business. I'd advise the same

Original poster
user1500500870 · 06/08/2017 13:49

Thanks everyone. It's crazy how much the opinion varies, that's how it is in my head all the time.
I will think about what the best way forward is. I feel a bit sorry for both my mum and dad as I know their marriage has never been ideal, I always remember it being difficult and strained. I wouldn't mind if they divorced, would just be better if it was an honest conversation and agreement between them rather than this way. Makes it so messy.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Cherylvole · 06/08/2017 13:50

I agree. It really bothered me. Then I asked myself if they were otherwise a lovely helpful friendly family member. And they are. So really. Struggle through! It gets better.

UnicornSparkles1 · 06/08/2017 13:54

I'd tell your mum that you know and state that you either expect it to stop or for the pair of them to come clean. Your poor Dad and your poor mum's friend.

fuckthis12 · 06/08/2017 13:55

I'm so sorry that this has happened
If it were my mum , I'd confront her, tell her what you know and then ask her to tell your dad or shut it down immediately
Could your dad know and be turning a blind eye perhaps? X

NormaSmuff · 06/08/2017 13:58

Would you listen to your mum uf the boot was on the other foot? Perhaps the arrangement if there is even one, suit the four of them

TheweewitchRoz · 06/08/2017 14:22

For the poster asking if it were the other way round, then I'd definitely say the same. My DF had an affair which my DM found out about a few months after their 30th wedding anniversary. My DM threw him out & divorced but has been alone in the following ten years & I know that if she'd been allowed to live in blissful ignorance, then she would have chosen that. Honesty is only the best policy when you determine that for yourself, not when someone external decides it for you.

Sorry Op, it's a horrible situation for you to be in. Flowers

inlectorecumbit · 06/08/2017 14:23

If it was your best friend what would you do if you thought she was being cheated on ??
Your relationship with your DM is changed now anyway knowing what you know and please spare a thought for the OM's DW as well.

Tell her you know and take it from there

greendale17 · 06/08/2017 14:29

I would talk to your mum first. Give her some time to come clean. If she doesn't, then I would definitely tell your dad

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 14:38

My DM threw him out & divorced but has been alone in the following ten years

I'd rather be alone than with a cheater, who would be risking my health with STDs.

It's a matter of self esteem and self worth.

elevenclips · 06/08/2017 14:43

Because of who the counterparty to this affair is, it sounds very very difficult.

If your mum was having an affair with someone random (and single) that your dad didn't know, it would be different. However your poor dad stands to lose his wife and best friend(s) and his social/holiday outings by finding this out. I think I would wait a bit personally.

IHopeYourCakeIsShit · 06/08/2017 14:52

My mum had an affair, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon and found them together.
I can't put into,words how I felt.
I didn't tell my dad though.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

gruuumbleweec · 06/08/2017 14:58

@SandyY2K. Yes I think I would be understanding. That is where the OPs problem might lie. Every relationship is different. People have very different expectations of their partner. She has no way of knowing what her Dad wants. I would not want to know if my partner was cheating.

For some infidelity is a total deal breaker. For others they take it a price worth paying for maintains what they have. Some people even blame themselves for their partners action. Relationships are not black and white.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/08/2017 15:03

If I was your dad and found out that you had known and not told me I would be incredibly hurt

Completely agree.

Struggle through! It gets better.

Yeah I'm sure it's a barrel of laughs for those that are being cheated on Hmm

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 15:13

@SandyY2K. Yes I think I would be understanding. That is where the OPs problem might lie. Every relationship is different. People have very different expectations of their partner. She has no way of knowing what her Dad wants. I would not want to know if my partner was cheating.

I guess we're all different. I do work with a national marriage organisation, so my view is somewhat different.

I see betrayed spouses hurt badly and they're even more hurt when they find out other people knew.

They feel made a fool of.

My issue with this would also be, what kind of a friend is my DM... to cheat with her friend's husband. That's a double betrayal for the BW... How do you call yourself a friend and do that.

Footle · 06/08/2017 15:33

Whatever you do, don't take that utterly crap advice someone posted about writing an anonymous letter.

Bezm · 06/08/2017 15:41

I would speak to her to tell her you know what's going on, and how you feel. It's not your place to tell your father. He may know or at least suspect but accept it. Once it's out in the open there's no going back!

loveyoutothemoon · 06/08/2017 16:33

Speak to your mum first, by the sounds of it it seems you think that you can't not, and I don't think you should keep quiet. Then decide what you will do or say. You can't really decide until you have the full picture.

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