Mum having an affair - don't know what to do

[user1500500870]

Hi everyone.
I'm a 28 yr old woman who found out several months ago that my mother was having an affair. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time and really couldn't deal with the affair so I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it.
How I found out was completely by accident, my mum was showing me a picture on her phone that had been sent in a text message, she handed me her phone to look at it and I accidentally clicked "back" and it went to the main message inbox. I seen an extremely explicit message and clicked on, couldn't believe what I was reading as my mum is so conservative.

However as I said I pushed it back and tried to forget. Told my husband as it was driving me mad! Baby is now 3 months old and on a recent holiday I found out that the affair is ongoing, I was in my mums room drying my hair and again, further explicit messages came up on her phone - the identity of the man was revealed, and I found that it was her best friends husband, who my dad is very close with.
Part of me thinks to do nothing as it's my parents life, none of my business. Which I do agree with, I just find the whole thing so outrageous.
I have one sibling who I am very close with, she would be devastated to find this out. Only me and my husband know.

Any advice?

Remember that when you tell your sister - or anyone else - you lose control of what happens next. And you might find you get blamed, somehow.

I think the OP should focus on her own relationship with her mother. The OP's discovery has obviously raised a lot of questions and doubt. Her relationship with her mother has shifted and will never be entirely the same again. Talking to her mother might help the OP come to terms with what she has found out and move their relationship to a more stable, trusting position.

Only then does she need to think about what, if anything, she needs to tell her father.

The situation is so fragile, and I feel like any course of action will have negative consequences no matter what...

You've all been so helpful! Thank you

I'm also surprised re: advice.

Any other person then they deserve to know / how disgusting they are carrying on etc but when it's your parents it's none of your business suddenly?

Just because my parents raised me doesn't mean that if they are doing something wrong I'll just shrug it off. It's either wrong or it isn't.

She should be a lot more discreet if she doesn't want to get found out.

The poor wife too.

I was in this situation and it was awful.
I was a teenager and it was my mum's second affair.
Me and my siblings stayed quite under the impression she would end it and we knew how it impacted my dad the first time around, so she played on that.
My parents are now in the process of their divorce, because of my mum's third affair. During that argument she revealed it was her 3rd affair and took great pleasure in telling my dad how the children knew.

My dad didn't hold it against us because he knew my mum had put us all in a shitty position.

Reflecting on it all now I wish I had told my Dad, instead of letting him live another 8 plus years living a lie and walking on egg shells. My Dad is such a happy and care free man now and I wonder had I told him all them years ago he would of had them extra 8 years of happiness.

If I had my chance all over again I would tell my dad.

OP, if you were having an affair and your mum found out, would you be thrilled if she told your husband? Wouldn't you feel betrayed by her and annoyed that she took it upon her to make decisions about your personal life? Please don't say that you would never have an affair, I am sure your mum once felt so too.

My point is, please show some respect to your mum and don't mess around with her life. It's her job to live it and to fix it too. Do speak to her though - but without accusing, just tell her you know and let her talk. She could probably do with having someone to listen and help her come to some decisions.

Your point makes no sense...

She has the right to tell her DAD. You're 'Hypothetical' situation is her mom telling her son In law . A close relative maybe , but not close blood relative.

My point makes perfect sense to me but feel free to disagree.

She has the right to do anything, but her act can ruin many lives, including herd. May not be worth it just for the sake of exercising a right.

Mum spends many days shopping with his wife,

Your mother sounds like a horrible person.
What kind if woman carries on an affair with her best friend's husband, all the while going shipping with her?

Despicable.

I hope this woman does findout.

and it sounds as if your mother is using your father as a meal ticket.

it is a dreadful strain being married to someone with depression

Still doesn't give you the excuse to fuck your best friend's husband.

Some friend.

I can see why this is a difficult situation. But I just could not stand my Dad being made a fool of in this way. Earlier you said your Mum is completely financially supported by your Dad and yet chooses to cheat on him in this underhand way. No I couldn't stand by and let this happen. Not to mention the deceit as her best friend is the wife. Awful.

All these "keep quiet", don't tell your father preachers make me feel sick. If you don't tell your father you are aiding the camouflage your DF is being subjected to. The Mother is sucking another blokes cock, the other bloke is sticking his cock in your DM (putting your DF at risk). Any person who would stay silent, allowing their parent to get hurt and be in danger deserves the same done to them.

Well, I know of a family where a mentally unwell husband killed himself when thet divorced after he found out about his wife's affair. Their children were left without a father. The widow is married to the other man. Hardly a happy ending for the husband.

Maybe in retrospect it would have been better to let the sleeping dogs lie. Because ultimately it was not the cheating wife but her husband and children who got punished.

Cynical, I know. But I'd rather be alive and cheated on, than dead and righteous.

If your Mum regularly leaves her phone lying around and when explicit messages arrive you can read the content without unlocking her phone then I'd be surprised if you're the only person who knows.

I would keep out of it personally. Your father may know and prefer to ignore it or they may have an agreement.

Morbius behave. And grow up

Morbius behave. And grow up

This is classic MN, if a man was fucking around, the responses would be a resounding LTB, tell you Motyer Protect. the woman, .....

Such a hard one, I've been in a similar situation. I didn't keep it to myself, and the fallout has been very hard on many people. I wish I hadn't said anything to anybody in so many ways. But if it was me, I'd want somebody to tell me.
Nobody can really advise you here, it all depends on your relatioships with your parents. If it will make things terribly hard for your Dad, then maybe don't tell him. But your DM needs to know that you know, I think.

I've been through this. Please don't tell your dad or your sister. If you can't put a lid on it then speak to your mum and see how you feel after. Mumsnet is extremely black and white when it comes to affairs but in real life there are a million shades of grey. Stay out of this as much as you can.

How dare you say those things to a distressed OP @DrMorbius ? Even by your own pathetic standards, that is fucking terrible .

Mandala, I agree with running, that's different.

So let me get this straight kittybiscuits the Op's DF is being fucked around and having his health put at risk and you say the Op should collude in this. !¡!¡¡¡!!

I haven't said anything about what the OP should do, so quit with the stupid accusations . I've just said that your comments are repellent.

OP - your parents have been married a very long time. And none of us (you including) know what their arrangement is.
Or, how their relationship is/has been.

It may sound contrary to the typical MN advice - but most marriages don't actually dissolve after affairs are discovered. Statistically it is true. Discovery leads to a lot of pain and upheaval.

You are young, OP. And you are using your own measuring system for judging right/wrong.
At times, in your posts you sound as if your partner has done it to you.
But it didn't happpen to your relationship.

Let your mom live her life the way she chooses. Let her dad know/not know what he chooses.
It's unlikely that the situation is well hidden. And, if the other participants are still friendly - stay out of it.
No need to embarrass any of them.
They are all adults.

Sandyy2k, I felt like you beforehand re self respect but seeing the aftermath, I know for 100% certainty that if my DM had the option, then she'd choose blissful ignorance every time & wouldn't thank anyone for taking this option away.

Tread carefully Op.

I would not want my DD to feel she had to play a part in a betrayal such as this. If there was an "agreement", I would not want my DD to feel upset purely to avoid embarrassing us. Even when she's a grown-up. The way I see it, you never really stop being a parent. The idea that once a child reaches adulthood they should become utterly independent and emotionally detached from their parents makes society a more lonely and less loving place imho. Yes, mum and dad are grown adults, but their lives are not just their own. That's the price of being a mum or a dad.