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Original poster

DM 'forces' gifts on me

60 replies

Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 08:01

So my DM is always bringing gifts with her and making me have things she has bought. This sounds nice but it drives me crazy. An example would be me saying, in passing that i want to buy my own cushions for the sofa. She will then turn up with cushions. Or me saying I don't want a microwave. She bought one for my partners birthday anyway. Or offering gifts to pay for things in the house. She is a bit of a hoarder and bargain finder so finds textiles/ curtains cheap. One time I moved house and very clearly said on a few occasions that we are buying our own curtains. I was then asked to look through her spare curtains to pick some. I gave in to make life easier. It turns out they were brand new and she had taken off the labels to make it look like she had them for ages. I also get given lots of family objects that are 'precious'. I'm about to move house and I'm dreading what's coming. She has already casually asked me what i need for the house. I have said very clearly that i will be choosing my own items and want to decorate. I have to be so careful as if i mention anything she will turn up with it. I am really looking forward to this new chapter and want to decorate my first home how I please. Can anyone help me understand this behaviour and how best to deal with it? Anyone have a similar DM and understand how intrusive it feels?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2017 08:07

I'm not surprised she's a hoarder, you're another excuse to get her fix.

So there's probably damn all you can do about it except just say "no gifts for the new house. No exceptions. Anything you give will be sent to the charity shop as you have been well told".

The "precious" thing is particularly manipulative as it implies you cannot refuse or give it away.

I think you have to get hard, and cross, and get ready for a few big rows. She won't give up lightly.

Nancy91 · 06/08/2017 08:09

Mine is like this but I find it really sweet. Some of it does just get shoved into the cupboards never to be seen again, but I wouldn't have the heart to tell her I don't want the stuff after she has already bought it. Maybe ask her to help you get some stuff for your new house that you have already picked from a shop. That way she is still helping you out but you get the things you actually want.

noego · 06/08/2017 08:15

EX does this with DD. It like they're trying to buy their love. DD now just says things like need a new bed or need new curtains and hey presto the EX pays for them. DD always chooses though. I think it is sad that their relationship is like this. EX moved away during the divorce and DD believed that EX left her as well as me. So has no guilt in accepting this. However I do feel that EX puts on DD. Turning up once a month and stopping over. DD seems to get moody before, during these visits and then goes back to her normal self when EX has gone.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/08/2017 08:15

'I gave in to make life easier.'

There's your mistake right there. She knows she can and will wear you down eventually.

I'd sit her down with a cup of tea and say 'DM, you know I love you to bits and I really appreciate your generosity, but I will be choosing/getting everything for the new house myself, because I am really looking forward to choosing everything and having it how I imagine it. If you would like to pay for XY when I have picked it out, that would be incredibly kind and very much appreciated, but please don't feel obliged at all. I'm really looking forward to having you in the new house when it's all done for a lovely tea.'

HighlyCompetentExWife · 06/08/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TipTopTipTopClop · 06/08/2017 08:22

I have a MIL hoarder who also does this.

She decided that we all needed espadrilles this year. Cue multiple Amazon shipments of 8 pairs in various colours and sizes.

She continuously threatens to get us a nice set of luggage, which sends me around the bend- we have one. Where would I put a second?

She went on a cruise and got us all matching tshirts. 14 year old son in stitches at the idea of wearing a shirt that matches his mothers, (and shoes?) despite how much he loves his granny.

Same for tablecloths, books, giant tubs of artesenal mayo from street fairs etc

No suggestions just a sympathetic ear.

Onthemove2 · 06/08/2017 08:24

My dm is similar, not in that she wants to choose things for me or inflict them on me, more that she enjoys giving.

I have told her and told her over the years that I don't need the money or the gifts especially at Christmas but it makes no difference so after 20 years I have given up. She lives on her pension and I am much better off than her but she will still insist on giving me money and bags of stuff when I visit.

I just accept it these days as if I really put my foot down she would be very hurt. Tbf it's not generally tat but if it was I would donate it.

PenguinOfDoom · 06/08/2017 08:30

My mil is like this and it drives me mad. I try never to mention wanting to buy anything because she will either turn up with it or give you money for it. If you try and refuse, she gets angry and offended. It feels really overbearing and intrusive. DH doesn't seem to get it and insists she's just being nice and likes to do things for people.

I would love to know how to stop it too.

Alexandrite · 06/08/2017 08:42

My mum tries to do this. She is bored and loves shopping, but we don't have the room and it's nice to choose your own curtains etc. I just say no thank you. I don't feel guilty as she wasn't nice to me as a child so I don't feel ungrateful or unkind in not accepting things.

crazyhead · 06/08/2017 08:47

My friend's dad is like this - she's had some astonishing gifts from her dad despite the fact she lives in a small flat with partner and kids. I'm sure there are a range of reasons why people do this - including diverted hoarding, control and scatty kindness - which vary the response involved. i would probably set up some sort of wedding list of things I did want and ask my parent to buy from this in this particular case.

SavoyCabbage · 06/08/2017 08:47

She's using you as an excuse to buy things. She is getting all of the pleasure from the buying without the guilt she feels when she buys things for herself.

If you untangle the money side of things from what she does, it's easy to see. If she wanted to save you money she'd give you £40 for cushions.

Crumbs1 · 06/08/2017 08:52

She's being sweet. Buy material and get her to make bunting for the children's rooms or cushion covers that you like. Get her to make cloth napkins or a tablecloth for Christmas. Get her to source specific plants for the garden or to find a specific cleaning material you 'can't get hold of'. She just needs channeling and is probably bored and lonely.

Original poster
Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 09:00

I think those that say it is sweet perhaps haven't experienced it. She lies about where the 'gifts' come from so that I am forced to accept them. If I say I don't want something she buys it anyway so that I have to keep it. It feels like she doesn't want me to have my own space. I find it quite stifling and controlling. Like I'm not allowed to be my own person with seperate tastes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 09:02

She has already made bunting for the children's rooms, cushions, curtains and quilt for their rooms. The rug was also given as a gift. I have two quilts, curtains and a duvet set and large display cushion. The only item I've chosen is my cushions. Last week she said she had some new cushions for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 09:04

I think the issue is it being wrapped up in being 'sweet' and 'kind' so if I object I look horrible and unkind.

OP posts:
Alexandrite · 06/08/2017 09:06

You are right it is controlling. As an adult you've got the right to decorate your home in your own style rather than how your mum has decided

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 09:08

Take what you don't want to a charity shop. This isn't a big issue at all and you don't need get your house cluttered up with her hoarding habit.

Original poster
Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 09:09

Most of the items I've mentioned are handmade so I can't give them away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurraahhnaptime · 06/08/2017 09:10

Also how would you say 'i gave it to charity'. I would again look like the horrible one. It is an issue for me.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 06/08/2017 09:13

Tell her you will donate items you don't want and then do it. She might fall out with you but it's the only way to stop it!

My MIL's mum died recently and she was itching to give us hoardes of stuff just so they wouldn't have to get rid of "perfectly good" household things. Perfectly good or not we live in a 12ft wide townhouse with no conservatory so wicker chairs and table are no use to us!

InfiniteSheldon · 06/08/2017 09:15

Buy the stuff you want. Donate, sell or return to her stuff you don't saying thank you but I've chosen xxx now. Be firm don't use many words and smile. She's achieved her object every time you keep things. Home made bunting I'd keep possibly a quilt but cushions for my sofa would go straight on local selling page. I'd keep the money separate and spend it on her for birthday/Christmas. If i Kept all the crap I get I'd need another house I don't think my dm even remembers half of it.

redexpat · 06/08/2017 09:17

You need to get more assertive. Im sure other posters will tell me that I am being rude and or harsh, but they are the same people who think it is "sweet" that she forces stuff on you. you need to say something like MIL I appreciate the gifts but I will decorate and furnish my new house as I see fit. I neither need nor want your help. Anything you buy will be returned or thrown out. And then do it. In front of her. I dont care if MN pearl clutchers tell me I'm rude, SHE is rude for railroading the OPs wishes and forcing these items on the OP and her home.

InfiniteSheldon · 06/08/2017 09:17

The Salvation army and your local homeless shelter always welcome bedding)home furnishing. I say to my DM I gave that to the Sally Ann as we didn't need it if she does ask.

redexpat · 06/08/2017 09:18

DM not MIL. Ive been on MN too long!

GreenTulips · 06/08/2017 09:18

You need to head down the market and buy new material! Keep the focus on the kids rooms - Mum Daisy would like a grey room this time - here's the bedding material and contrasting cushions.

When she gives you things - say 'I think they'd be much nicer in your home - it's just not me - but thanks

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