DM 'forces' gifts on me

[Hurraahhnaptime]

So my DM is always bringing gifts with her and making me have things she has bought. This sounds nice but it drives me crazy. An example would be me saying, in passing that i want to buy my own cushions for the sofa. She will then turn up with cushions. Or me saying I don't want a microwave. She bought one for my partners birthday anyway. Or offering gifts to pay for things in the house. She is a bit of a hoarder and bargain finder so finds textiles/ curtains cheap. One time I moved house and very clearly said on a few occasions that we are buying our own curtains. I was then asked to look through her spare curtains to pick some. I gave in to make life easier. It turns out they were brand new and she had taken off the labels to make it look like she had them for ages. I also get given lots of family objects that are 'precious'. I'm about to move house and I'm dreading what's coming. She has already casually asked me what i need for the house. I have said very clearly that i will be choosing my own items and want to decorate. I have to be so careful as if i mention anything she will turn up with it. I am really looking forward to this new chapter and want to decorate my first home how I please. Can anyone help me understand this behaviour and how best to deal with it? Anyone have a similar DM and understand how intrusive it feels?

My mil is like this. She's never once asked the kids or us what we need just brings lots of cheap rat to our house. She's a narcissist though.

She's recently downsized so have her crap cluttering our home because dh wants the sentimental value. It's bollocks. I have pictures of my family and a ring from my grandmother for sentimental value not piles of old tat.

When my dd got to the age of choosing her own clothes l found it so difficult if l saw saw something l thought would be lovely on her. She is not too bothered with shopping and l kept seeing stuff in her colours etc. At first she gently said dont buy me stuff. I rowed back ( a bit) but then she very very firmly ( shouted!) STOP BUYING ME STUFF! I never though she was wrong. I knew l was. Probably better we sorted it now before she got her first house.
So tell her loud and clear. Pick one sentence but like dd make no apologies as its not your problem its hers.
I admit it was like a grieving for me to stop buying for my kids.

My DMIL and DM are both like that, but I DO play the mean old bad guy. "No, sorry, I don't like it", "I don't need any thanks", and hand whatever tat back in a carrier bag on their way home.

It got ridiculous - I'm from an island originally - my mother gets me stuff with puffins on - everything from fridge magnets to hoodies, to bedding - NO THANK YOU

MIL gets things with our breed of dog on - even a footstool - NO THANKS I DON'T LIKE IT.

It is gradually lessening - but as others have said it is always presented as a "find" - and always a "charity shop bargain".

I also take umbridge when they visit and bring food - like an out of date cake or some tomatoes past their use-by. No thanks, we'll have some nice fresh stuff that I bought or made specially for your visit.
I throw them in the food waste bin, but still they bring stuff - so all argument falls on deaf ears.
(very cathartic to get it out thanks OP)

My DM is like this at times too & agree with others that it might be loneliness & trrying to "help out" all the time. Still annoying. I'm having to bite my tongue hugely at the minute - we have just found out we will be GP's for the 1st time later this year, & so of course DM is delighted too to be becoming a Great Grandma :) - but is knitting up a storm & buying gifts (her style for what she thinks babies need) for me to take to new parents (they live some distance away) & I am starting to feel (just tiny) bit pissy. Shes been/is a Grandma, but this is my 1st time & was looking fwd to all this for me. I dont want to overwhelm the new parents to be with boxess of stuf - they are doing this for the first time too. But DM is old, so bite down those words says me. :)

Don't talk to her about anything you need or want in future
Simple

No mehimthem do not bite down those words. They will come back to bite you instead.

Your own mother is being controlling and wants to use you to deliver these items to the new parents. You do not have to be her flying monkey doing her bidding. It also does not matter a jot that she is herself old; old age does not give anyone the right to impose their own tastes on others. She probably has not altered a jot in terms of personality either over the years.

Such behaviours too are not due to loneliness, being sweet or trying to help out. They just want to impose their own selves on you and using you as a conduit for their own myriad of issues. If they wanted to really help out they would not give you a lot of unwanted stuff. Receiving gifts under obligation is not on at all; they are not gifts in the usual sense of the word if they are foistered upon you.

Its your house so you decide what is in it ultimately.

It doesn't matter if you look horrible. This kund of thing is control and manipulation dressed up as kindness.
I have relatives who do this. They have been told time and again please do not bring things..large plastic noisy tat for the kids. Homemade clothes. Cheap stupid gadgets for the house. Gaudy garden ornaments. None of which I like or would choose.
They continue.
I give it all away. If they want to waste time and money fine.
I did used to be like you and think "aw how nice they are trying to be kind", but now I see they don't respect me enough to calm it down so I have no guilt about getting rid.

My MIL bought DD shopkins everything at Xmas, she was 3 months old and was 12 weeks prem. immediately regifted to very grateful niece

OP, your mum is lovely. Some parents would not spend a pound on their children. I can see that buying something for you makes her happy but not you as you want to do it yourself. Why don't you make a list of things you want to buy and tell her that if she wants to buy something for your house she can buy this, this and this . Give her the name of things as well so she doesn't end up buying something that you don't like.
Don't discuss anything with her that you want to be buying by yourself.

Giving specifics doesn't work - they find cheaper ones or over colours etc

Yes, if only it were so simple to specify.
We have also tried this.
It really isn't lovely though, it can be extremely upsetting. It is not done with the thought of making the recipient happy, it is done for the benefit of the giver either to satisfy their buying/hoarding impulses or to exert their choices on someone else.

I have this... or did.
Your OH needs to deal with this.
Mine had talks but those didn't work.
In the end he had to actually have a big row with her telling her she's not the mam in this house and that I'm going to choose things from now on. If she comes back with something we'll give it back.
It was way bad. It wasn't kindness it was controlling. She thought she was our children's mam.

Stop enabling her. Don't accept anything. If she tries to give you stuff, had it back immediately (better yet, don't take it from her hand) and tell her you said you were going to buy/decorate in YOUR taste. It's harsh, but you'll be drowning in her stuff t your new place and resentful as hell.

My dm did this and I very gently told her that I'm very fussy about what I have in the house, which is true. I'm minimalist, where she displays everything she's ever been given, even if it's hideous. She's stopped giving me stuff, although now wants me to label everything I want at her house for when she dies I want nothing and have nowhere to put it!

My mum does this. It doesn't bother me. I'm just always on the run to the charity shop. She actually knows that I donate half her stuff to charity shop in town but it does not seem to deter her. I actually received a letter from the British Heart Foundation shop saying I was greatest donor in a particular month! I just view it as a way for her to express her love for me and my kids. I'm appreciative of her kindness and know that she won't be able to do it forever and then I'll miss the bags coming in the door. I've had some weird stuff though as half the shite actually comes from the charity shop originally! I'm quite a minamilist too so it's even more bizarre. But she can't seem to resist a half price pack of underpants for my ds that's 4 years too big!!

minimalist!

Well you could tactfully tell her that the item isn't quite your taste, but you appreciate the effort and so as not to waste her time in the future, it's probably best she checks with you first.

Especially as (not sure if you have a DP /DH), and you both like to choose household items together.

Obviously you can't use that excuse /reason if you're single, but the first reason should work.

If that was said to me, I'd take the hint, as would most normal people.

Straight to the charity shop with it. If she asks where it is, you tell her it didn't work in your house so you donated it. If she's kept to the lie of it being an old thing she's had for ages, she can't complain about the waste of money and it might stop her.

You don't have to keep anything you don't want. It's a lesson it takes some of us a long time to learn...

SandyY2K - you are lucky to have never come across one of these...

I can tell because tact does not work, saying right to the face does not work, refusing to take the items does not work, throwing said items in the wheely bin in front of them does not work, shouting STOP GIVING ME STUFF I DO NOT LIKE does not work.

Some people do not get the message.

throwing said items in the wheely bin in front of them does not work
That made me laugh.

There's one poor poster on here who has this problem and it's gone to the point where her house is effectively hoarded out.

Then her family thinks she can't cope.

It's controlling. It's rude the way she utterly ignores what you're actually saying and it's soul destroying.

This is very controlling and yes I can see that it is an issue for you.

We have a compulsive gifter in our family. Some of it is well thought and kind. There is a generous side to it but also a compulsive side. I accept what I can but have no compunction about passing stuff on that we don't want. We have been very blunt and it has got better.

I would say things like: 'that is very kind of you but I'm sorry, I prefer to buy my own. Could you please save presents for special occasions.' or even 'We feel a bit overwhelmed by so many gifts, we'd really like to buy our own things.' If she insists on foisting stuff on you like the curtains, just say 'I'm really sorry, that is very sweet of you but I will not use them. Can you take them back? If not, I will have to pass them on to someone who needs them.'

I have a MIL like this; I now don't tell her what I'm planning on buying or need and if she turns up with something that I don't want I tell her that I've already got whatever it is and if she tries to still give it to me I tell her I'll only be taking it back to the shop cos I don't need two etc and I like what I've chosen.

My dm is like this. I have to be careful about what I tell her I'm planning to buy or I need. If my dd's need anything, she'll immediately offer to get it. Annoying at birthdays and Christmas when she wants to buy a gift that was going to be my main present to them! But I think it's lovely that she wants to treat me/them. A couple of 'no thanks' have also helped stem the purchases.
She enjoys doing it because she couldn't afford to buy me anything much as a child so she's making up for it and I've been careful not to hurt her feelings.

Beyondthepage,

I might have to resort to not opening the door for them if they didn't get the hint.

My FIL (God love him) buys us pictures and other household items I'm not keen on.

DH has never told him not to buy them, but I would have said something if it was my parent.

I've had to accidentally break a couple of items and loose some cheap quality bedsheets in the past.

DH would never say anything, so I took my own steps to deal with it.