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Original poster

DP told me he doesn't love me

43 replies

Icklepickle101 · 05/08/2017 19:27

I'm heartbroken. Life is stressful at the minute with a half renovated house we can't afford to finish, work, infertility tests and treatment and money is tight so treats and personal spending money is sparse.

He's been very withdraw and grumpy recently, showing little interest in anything especially me , no sex drive, extreme tiredness and lack of appetite so I thought he was feeling a bit run down so making an extra effort to help with housework and looking after DS 1yo near enough alone.

Had a minor argument tonight over how frequently he is seeing his friends recently and how little time and effort he is making with me, i said I feel like you don't love me anymore. And he said that he will always love me but he isn't in love with me at the minute.

He's agreed to go to the Doctor as I suspect possible depression and talking therapies due to very difficult childhood that he has never spoken about or even fully understood what happened. Is there any coming back from this? We've got a few trips planned before the end of the year and he said regardless of our situation he will still come as it will be good for DS, this doesn't fill me with hope for a good future.

Has anyone been there? Any advice?

OP posts:
Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 19:28

Affair?

OnMyShoulders · 05/08/2017 19:38

I also thought affair. 😕

FuzzyCustard · 05/08/2017 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 19:41

I don't think you can come back from that, or I couldn't. I'd always feel like the booby prize.

ShitOrBust · 05/08/2017 19:45

My advice would be to call it a day.
i wouldn't deign to waste one more minute with some loser who told me he didn't love me.
please find some pride and anger and move on without this eejit.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 05/08/2017 19:52

Emotionally I don't think he has it in him to have an affair, due to childhood issues I think if he had had an affair it would have life changing consequences, worse than a relationship breaking down.

I'm just hurt, and broken and scared about the future of possibility being up my son without his dad around, I'm really fucking terrorfied I'm going to lose the man I love and there's nothing I can do about jt

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 05/08/2017 19:56

My DH told me at one point he didn't know if he loved me any more. He was depressed. All is ok now, in fact better than ever. Get him to see his GP

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 05/08/2017 22:43

Hi, the OP's asked if we can move this thread over to Relationships.

We're moving it now, with a bump to hopefully get the OP some more advice and support. Flowers

another20 · 05/08/2017 23:04

OP I am so sorry but I am suspecting an affair ...

"withdrawn" - but " how frequently he is seeing his friends recently and how little time and effort he is making with me," - this does is ringing alarm bells. He is withdrawn from you specifically - but out seeing "friends" more than normal?

IME thats not depression as you tend to withdraw from everyone.
Your rational that he wouldnt do this as it would be life changing - might explain the bad mood = guilt? and awareness of the situation he has got himself into?

peachgreen · 05/08/2017 23:11

I don't think he's necessarily having an affair, OP - I think you're both at a very stressful time in your life and he's not handling it very well. You need to find out from him (if you haven't already) if he wants to try and make your marriage work. That's the first step. Second step is figuring out how. Relate could be really useful - getting some time just the two of you may also help. I really hope you work it out.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2017 23:14

I must say I didn't think affair. I thought he may be stressed out and/or depressed t with a small child of one, plus infertility treatment plus renovating a house if you're short of money.

And several trips planned sounds a bit ambitious. I can only deal with one holiday at a time. Sounds like it's all got too much. You haven't mentioned his job. That could be a source of stress. It's good that he's seeing the GP and getting help. Hope things work out.

MagdalenNoName · 05/08/2017 23:14

I don't think online diagnosis of 'Yes, it's depression,' or 'No, it's an affair' is appropriate or helpful.

I can only say that after many years of marriage there are periods when I am not 'in love' with my husband. I don't think marriage is anything like a Hollywood rom com.

For me, I think the idea is that you aim to take people on in sickness and health and do your best to work things out. Some things are deal breakers. But for me walking off because someone goes through a patch where they don't feel able to make the 'right' kind of romantic declaration isn't one of them.

diodati · 05/08/2017 23:15

I read this post out loud to DD (17yrs) because it upset me so much. Her immediate response was, "It's called a slump. I read about it on the internet the other day."

From out of the mouths of babes.

millifiori · 05/08/2017 23:20

I agree with Magdalen. Just because he's not 'in love' with you at the moment doesn't give him permission to neglect your needs or his relationship with you. In fact, it's all the more reason to make an effort. Loads of couples fall out of love when DC are small. Life is draining and humdrum and they're absorbed by kids' needs not each others'.

As someone who has spent decades managing severe depression, I've learned that one of the best ways of dealing with it (if he has it) is not to waste time wokring out whether you want to do something that's good for you, just do it. So it doesn't matter if he wants to go out with mates not you, he needs to spend that time with you to give you both the chance to reconnect, to have fun together, make plans together etc.

mrsRosaPimento · 05/08/2017 23:21

I think you've got a lot going on and he's tired to the core and misses the fun you both had when you didn't have all the difficult crap.
Only he knows what the answer is. Depression/exhaustion/missing his youth?

p51642 · 05/08/2017 23:24

my OH gets a little like this he's never said he doesn't love me but we get to a point sometimes where the connection gets lost, he has depression and this happens whenever his depression kicks in, it's hard but we get through the tough times as no relationship is perfect. the spending time with friends and not having time for me would worry me a little it makes me think affair but the rest makes me think depression. maybe you need to have a sit down with him and have a calm heart to heart about everything. I also found getting my MIL involved helped tonnes because then he knows other people know he needs help so he his more willing to accept

HadronCollider · 05/08/2017 23:32

I don't think you should panic or jump to conclusions. It sounds like he is very stressed and by your posts there is a lot going on, work, finances, home renovation, all excerbated by undealt with childhood issues. My DH cannot perform ssxually under any sort of stress and yours appears the same. He runs his own business, so there's a lot of stress, During times of intense business related issues I don't get a look in. I have learned not to prod about feelings and not to take it personally and keep myself busy. The friends may just be escapism from stress. Of course you can never entirely rule ouf an affair but it doesn't seem likely from what you say regarding his issues and not eating.

It is unfair, but I think you ought to give him space, keep yourself busy and don't push the issue. Three years ago I had therapy because of my extremely crap childhood and during that time, crap sex and romance were the furthest things from my mind. I don't think his grumpyness has got anything to do with you.

TrishanFlips · 05/08/2017 23:50

But he has said he loves you because he has said he will always love you. I thought "in love" was that giddy intense feeling to get at the start of a relationship and loving was something calmer and rock solid that develops from that.

HadronCollider · 06/08/2017 00:31

Didn't mean to write crap before the word sex! I rearranged the sentence and forgot to omit the word urrggh.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 06/08/2017 07:07

I woke up this morning and he wasn't in bed, he wasn't on the sofa or the spare room and not even a text to let me know where he was. This isn't him but now I'm doubting myself about the affair Sad

OP posts:
SoLonelyandHeartbroken · 06/08/2017 07:12

Was he out last night?

Naicehamshop · 06/08/2017 07:12

Sorry to hear this op- I think the only thing you can do is to confront him. You can't carry on with this uncertainty. Flowers

Piewraith · 06/08/2017 07:13

Of course you aren't always, or even usually, "in love" with your partner but you give them the respect and courtesy of lying about it. If your partner reaches out to you by saying "do you love me" as OP did, and you want to say in the relationship, you reply "yes of course I do, I'm just angry right now" or similar. It's not hard. OPs DP was trying to hurt her by saying that.

SoLonelyandHeartbroken · 06/08/2017 07:14

I'll be honest, it's not looking good.... I would pack some stuff and leave before he gets back. Whether he's having an affair or just depressed, you need to leave to make him realise what he's doing to you & your relationship. I would say kick him out but that's. It always that easy to execute. Might be easier to just leave x

Oly5 · 06/08/2017 07:21

I've told my partner several times that I don't feel the love - times when life is hard, when things are difficult or stressful, when our children were tiny or I felt very down.
I was never having an affair at any of these points.
We just had a lot to get through, some talking to do, some difficult months to deal with.
Give your DH a breaK. If Jess struggling with life then you demanding more attention, accusing him of having an affair or packing his bags is not going to help is it?
Suggest he sees his GP about counselling and anti/depressants, tell him you are ready to talk when he is, tell him to see his friends and inject some pleasure into his life (and see yours too). And take it slowly