DP told me he doesn't love me

[Icklepickle101]

I'm heartbroken. Life is stressful at the minute with a half renovated house we can't afford to finish, work, infertility tests and treatment and money is tight so treats and personal spending money is sparse.

He's been very withdraw and grumpy recently, showing little interest in anything especially me , no sex drive, extreme tiredness and lack of appetite so I thought he was feeling a bit run down so making an extra effort to help with housework and looking after DS 1yo near enough alone.

Had a minor argument tonight over how frequently he is seeing his friends recently and how little time and effort he is making with me, i said I feel like you don't love me anymore. And he said that he will always love me but he isn't in love with me at the minute.

He's agreed to go to the Doctor as I suspect possible depression and talking therapies due to very difficult childhood that he has never spoken about or even fully understood what happened. Is there any coming back from this? We've got a few trips planned before the end of the year and he said regardless of our situation he will still come as it will be good for DS, this doesn't fill me with hope for a good future.

Has anyone been there? Any advice?

Oly He's not come home! Presumably stayed out all night and is going to see his "friends" more often! That doesn't sound like depression to me!!

Was he in bed last night OP?

He went out or 1 or 2 drinks as he needed to think, then I know he met his friends at a pub 5 minute walk away so I stayed up until 12 when I thought he'd be home and he wasn't. I woke up near enough every hour and he still wasn't back so assumed he was on the sofa, came down to find he wasn't.

He's just text to say he is at a friends (I know vaguely) and will be home asap

It doesn't sound good - depressed or not there's no excuse for just going out and not bothering to come home and not letting you know until the next morning where he even was. It's very selfish behaviour and I think you deserve better. I think maybe he's looking for a way out - maybe if he treats you like shit you'll get fed up of him and you'll be the one to tell him to leave and then he's off the hook.
As other posters have said if he was depressed its more likely he'd be withdrawing from everyone and everything not just you.
I hope you manage to work it out either way but it sounds like a really honest discussion is called for now.

I can't help being a bit cynical and thinking affair also. Not just that but I think this man - regardless of his past or current situation - is being selfish. You both have to live in the home and you both have stresses to deal with. He is finding money for seeing his friends in the pub but you admitted money is very tight atm.
I'd like to think seeing a Dr and talking therapies can work for depression, but he needs to invest less time in drinking with his mates and more time at home. Hence the reason alarm bells are ringing and now the over night stay at 'a friends'.. Is that the first time he's stayed over at a friend's all night?

Oh dear OP this doesn't look good, fond your anger, sit him down look him in the eyes and tell him 'I know' his reaction will tell you

It sounds like he's just checked out & is being a twat so that you're forced to make the decision. Cowardly behaviour.

I've been on here for years and 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is almost always an affair, so prepare yourself for the possibility; it means they feel affection, residual friendship and guilt because you are a nice person who has done nothing wrong but no longer think of you as a partner.

Depression does not manifest itself as being directed at one person.

Marriage is full of ups and downs, but it's a hell of a 'down' to tell your partner you're not in love with them, use language like 'whatever happens' and stay out all night after a lengthy period of disinterest.

In many ways it doesn't matter why he is checking out, it still hurts like nothing else, but you can't fix it on your own and should start making plans accordingly imo.

@Icklepickle101 I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's just having a particularly tough time at the moment.

Similar with my DH, huge financial issues and many rounds of IVF to conceive. All financial responsibility falls to him and he hates not being able to give me/us the life we we're accustomed to. He goes through periods of being very depressed (he's on ADs now) but I just leave him to it. I often think about leaving him but then I think like you I don't want my kids growing up without their wonderful dad. And he IS wonderful when he's firing on all cylinders.

I also go trough times where I look at him and think 'I'm not IN love with you right now'.

For all the reasons you mention in your OP I think he's just feeling overwhelmed and a bit of a failure.

I hope you can push on through this rough patch xx

I had depression, was on Citalopram - still am, actually - and at one point seriously felt that I don't love my husband anymore, don't want to be married and want just out of it all. I preferred to stay later at work and spend hours in the gym, run, anything to exert myself physically. I would come home and go straight upstairs as I didn't have energy or desire to deal with the kids and the house.

We discussed divorce and custody. I made enquiries in the bank about taking over the mortgage on my name. We had been married for 15 years by then and had two children.

If back then my husband decided that 'he doesn't need that eejit, he deserves to be loved and appreciated and she should make the bloody effort in the relationship', like some posters suggest about It's husband - that would have been it for our family.

Instead, he stuck with me and helped and was there for me and just let me be, until I felt better. I acted like a really selfish cow. I will be forever amazed and grateful for my husband who looked past it and helped me avoid making a huge mistake.

Unpopular view here, but stick with your husband like you promised you would when you married him. Depression, or slump, or whatever us a bitch, especially for men.

Good luck.

Personally I'd go to Relate as a. next step. You are owed a better thought out explanation from him so you can make your choices - he can't just drop this into the conversation then slouch off

Thank you Mandala and Again especially.

I guess part of me is also worried he might leave me, i want to help him be the partner and Dad he used to be, I want us to be happy but I'm worried he doesn't see that in his future. I keep crying and little DS keeps coming and wiping the tears off my face, which makes me even more sad.

Crazy we really can't afford the £66 a session at the minute. We booked a few trips recently (camping, eurodisney) to try and spend some family time together but it was crippled us financially

I agree with RainyApril.
It's not what you want to hear op that's understandable.
If you love your wife you do not tell them you are not in love with them and dont know if you want to be married.
You have sad you are struggling so much financially so why is he out spending money without you or his child?
As for depression, yes he will be he is different enormous guilt.
You are starting to do the pick me dance, already running around doing the lions share of all the crap jobs whilst your dh is out of the way enjoying himself.
Trust me these are the signs f an affair whether he cares to admit to it or not.
If it were me I would halt any thoughts of having another baby and start digging around to get to the bottom of what is actually happening.

Mandala- agree. Some of the responses must be from people who have no concept of what it is like to be depressed.

I've never understood why when a man isn't sure what he wants or wants to leave it's always got to be an affair.

But yet with a woman it can be a range of different things like depression/stress/not in love.

Does your DH think himself has has depression or is that what you think? When is he meant to be visiting with the doctor?

He has said he is feeling very low at the minute and not sure why or how to improve things. He's going to talk about low mood, insomnia, lack of appetite

That's does sound very much like depression, OP. I'd make a Dr's appt for him if he won't go himself. Perhaps print off the HADS questionnaire from one of the health websites & ask him to complete it?

On the other hand, I sadly know of many men who manipulated their partners with "depression" whilst having an affair. Their poor partners were just devastated, as they were trying to be supportive.

Do you believe him about where he was last night?