Thank you for your replies. This is a long one please bear with me.
In my heart I know this is not right I feel it every day and I worry for my daughters growing up in this and the effect it could have on them. He is using them as blackmail material, threatening to take them away and telling me if I leave it would be damaging to them. And do i really think leaving him is in their best interest? I know he is just working on my fears and using them but I feel as if I don't have the strength or confidence left to battle him although I know deep down it is absolutely the right thing for me and them in the long run.
I told him I thought our relationship was broken about 6 weeks ago and despite feeling strong in that instance and so sure in my thoughts I found myself agreeing to attend relate. He promised to change and be better and fix everything he had done. I caved and I hate myself for it. His promises mean shit and I know it.
He phones me 3 or 4 times a day asking what I am doing or where I have been ( in the guise of an 'innocent' chat about the day). If I don't answer on the house phone, he rings my mobile but not just once he will repeatedly call until I pick up. 6 times in the space of 5 mins the other day. He shouts at me for not keeping my phone with me ( in case I have an 'emergency') but then the other day commented that I seem to have become very attached to me phone all of a sudden. I can't win.
Despite bemoaning my lack of standards he does nothing round the house at all. However if I call him on it he gives a great long list of the things he does in the garden. However somehow the garden has become my job too. I have found myself mowing the lawn and weeding the last two weekends while he goes out and plays golf.
I had to give up work because of the thing the happened to our family and he thinks that because I am at home all day everything should be pristine. But we have two children and two cats we are never going to live in a show home! he house is tidy and clean. It won't necessarily pass a white glove test but I am ok with that. However it never seems enough. I noticed a few weeks ago that he had written the date in the dust on the bathroom mirror obviously marking to see when I cleaned it. He didn't understand at all why I found this upsetting and disrespectful. Its got to the point where I don't feel I can sit and chill out (especially if he is at home). I feel I must be cleaning. To the point if I am having a break and I see his car pull up outside I jump up and start doing something, anything so he can't accuse me of doing nothing all day.
He calls me cold and unaffectionate in one breath but in the next he says how wonderful I am. He is a clever wordsmith so invariably any conversation I start about feeling unhappy gets twisted up and turned back on me or I get so frustrated I end up shouting and screaming which then means I lose my credibility and he can accuse me of being irrational. Or letting my anxiety get the better of me. He completely discounts my opinion. For example we can have a conversation about not buying something because we can't afford it. We agree to save over a few months and then I find out a few days later he has gone a head and bought it anyway regardless. He has an issue with spending and its always a 'keeping up with the jones' kind of thing, wanting bigger, newer, flashier etc.
Now he's talking about us buying a bigger house and doubling our mortgage, buying me a new car on HP ( despite us still paying off a previous car loan) and consolidating our (mostly his) debts into one joint place. He wants a new set of golf clubs and a new sofa. None of which we can afford with me not working or working part time when the children go to school. I know its not all about the 'things' but largely about tying us closer together so its harder for me to leave.
We bought this house together but because his credit rating was so poor he couldn't put his name on the mortgage so its all in my name. However he is now pushing me to put his name on and I am scared of his reaction when I tell him no. I don't think he would ever physical hurt me but the mental barrage is exhausting.
I look back and the women who walked away from a cheating first husband with her head held high and new hopes for the future, the woman who had a measure of confidence, self belief and an ambition to succeed in her work has been lost somewhere along the way and it makes me sad. All thats left is someone struggling with stress and anxiety and the physical and mental symptoms they bring. I take so many meds i should rattle.
We have a family holiday booked in a couple of weeks, only 4 nights away in a caravan and I don't want to go but its cost us ( well him)£300 so I feel obliged and its for the children as well. It wouldn't be fair on them.
I know I need to end the marriage but I am totally reliant on him to pay the mortgage and bills. I don't even know where and how to start extricating myself from this. This was not how I expected my life to be at nearly 40. And I am scared.