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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lovebombing and gaslighting

53 replies

Solero · 03/08/2017 18:38

I am convinced I am being subjected to both by my husband but I am doubting myself. I have done loads of internet reading recently about both as forms of emotional abuse and as I look back over our 7 years together I can identify with a lot of the information. However I am an anxiety sufferer on 40mg of citalopram everyday and I wonder whether its all in my head. ( He has intimated this in the past when I have tried to raised concerns with him)
I would love to hear any 'survivor' stories.......

OP posts:
thereallochnessmonster · 06/08/2017 13:05

Oh, OP - Flowers

Don't blame yourself! Such men are masters at manipulating, and women get sucked in by their acts al the time. Not your fault.

But you are strong enough to do something about it! Wishing you all the very best. Think how much happier your life would be without your h in it...

Have you read
Lundy bancroft's book, Why does he do that? Might be an idea.

Original poster
Solero · 06/08/2017 13:13

It feels cathartic to write everything down. I have given my mum and dad an abridged version but they don't know the half of it as we don't see my family very often anymore. Which I know is because he doesn't like them, especially my mum and sisters. My mum thinks he's a bully and will support me in my decision.

Life would be peaceful and relaxed ( even with a 6yr old and a 4 yr old) if H wasn't in it. Just me, my girls and my cats.

OP posts:
Lipsy21 · 06/08/2017 14:01

@Solero I am sorry about your situation. Sadly reading it seems all very much like my own situation which I just posted about. However I am in the "devalue" stage at the moment.

It's very very difficult, I do think that relationships should never be this hard and if you actually feel someone may be a narc/sociopath and you're questioning yohr own mind then it's time to leave. However, I know this and am very logical, yet have stuck around my self with this man!!!! Good luck to you x

DownTownAbbey · 07/08/2017 08:36

He says you're cold, lazy etc. Just think of the favour you're doing him by ending it!

You are being very brave. I remember the fear of the unknown as a SAHM in a similar situation. Remember you have family. You will be entitled to benefits.

And don't go to Relate with an abuser.

Flowers
Original poster
Solero · 07/08/2017 22:15

@DownTownAbbey Maybe I should put it to him like that :) I am doing you a favour. I'd like to see his face if I did. The worm turns and all that.

Been discussing this a lot with my mum over the last few days and she is of the same opinion as you lovely ladies. I, myself, am 99.9% sure I am going to leave but self doubt and lack of self belief is bloody hard to get through. Breaking through my messed up thought processes is like wading through shit, literally.

He's pushing and pushing me to do this debt consolidation thing and accusing me of hiding something because I am reticent to do it. I want to outright tell him no but I am fearful of his reaction. Having said that maybe the ensuing storm would give me the impetus to tell him to get out. I just need to get a second or two of confidence to be that direct with him. And the strength to not acquiesce as I usually do.

He's working from home for the rest of this week and the thought makes my heart sink. I just wish we hadn't booked this damn holiday! It would be so much easier Confused

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 07/08/2017 22:21

Next time there is dust on the mirror, wrote "You are being watched...." or Fuck You

Original poster
Solero · 07/08/2017 22:42

@sofato5miles Maybe I should write 'I want a divorce' Grin

I just need to man up as it were. If not for me for my daughters sake. Heaven knows I don't want hem growing up thinking that this is how marriages work.

I will keep you all posted. Wish me luck and confidence and empowerment and strength and girl power and all that jazz! I think I am going to be making some big changes in my life

OP posts:
AssignedMentalAtBirth · 07/08/2017 22:56

I haven't read the thread, sorry, but on no account enter into any more financial commitments with him. He knows you are for the off and is trying to tie you in. Don't do it.

You know the relationship is not right. Do what you know is the right thing to do

dorindadoriano · 07/08/2017 22:59

There are some videos on Youtube by Angie Atkinson. You may find helpful? Good luck x

Onecutefox · 07/08/2017 23:10

He does sound like a leech, a parasite or energetic vampire. He tops up his mental energy at at cost of your mental wellbeing, doing it regularly. Then when he knows your energy is low he helps you to top it up by being very nice to you and lovely. And then he sucks it back from you again.

AssignedMentalAtBirth · 07/08/2017 23:53

Yeh, cutefox has it

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/08/2017 07:43

Don't enter any financial commitments with him. He is leeching your money and your credit status. Good that the house is in only your name. Speak with a solicitor (free 30 min or hour) to ensure you have all the correct facts. He has to provide a home for the children and you sound as though you are primary carer.

You are still that vivacious, strong person with a lot of self belief. You've seen how the future would be. Change it now for a better one. So glad you have your mum on board with you.

Original poster
Solero · 08/08/2017 21:51

The children and I have just come back from 2 days visiting my mum in her new house and he has barely said a word to me since I got back. I really didn't think he ever gave me the silent treatment but there it is, right there. More and more I am seeing him for the petulant child he is.

And to top it all off he has done sweet FA around the house. Washing still sitting in the basket, dishwasher (from Sunday before I left) not emptied, cats not fed or watered. 2 days and he has done nothing at all! Angry

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/08/2017 21:59

You really need to see a solicitor asap to get an idea of what your financial position is likely to be. Check the government entitledto website too to see which benefits you might be eligible for.

Definitely don't take on any of his debt. When he's grinding you down and you think you might agree to it for an easy life, remember how much future you will regret that decision when you split. Think how happy future you will be if you refuse.

Squaddielife · 09/08/2017 15:05

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this awful time. It definitely sounds abusive and manipulating but of course you've realised that now. That's a huge positive step in itself so well done :)

I agree with rabbit that you should see a solicitor (get your first 20mins free) just to get an idea of what you're facing and the best way to get your ducks in a row so to speak.

Then I would make sure you've got all important paperwork, passports, bank statements etc etc out of the house at your mums just in case.

I imagine that you'll be able to apply for tax credits immediately too but maybe a visit to citizens advise will be able to confirm better what you'll be entitled to.

I'm sure that once you find that umph to finally make the jump you're mental health will improve onwards and upwards.

DoubleHelix79 · 11/08/2017 17:34

How are you doing OP?

AdalindSchade · 11/08/2017 17:49

He hasn't fed the cats? This is deliberate abuse of you via the house and the pets.

Can you start making plans to leave?

IrritatedUser1960 · 11/08/2017 17:52

Mortgage in your name - tell him to fuck off. he can't keep the kids.
Write down everything he's done in detail with dates so you can prove emotional abuse. You will be happier without this knobend.

Original poster
Solero · 12/08/2017 14:08

God I am so confused. When its just me and the girls at home my resolve is so strong and I am so clear in my head for what I need to do and I have the space in which to do action plans and make phone calls but when he is around I feel trapped but guilty for thinking of telling him to leave. On the advise of @thereallochnessmonster I have started to read 'Why does he do that' and it is a very interesting read. I have purchased a book to make some notes in for when I make my move. My brain is so fogged I have trouble remembering from day to day let alone the last 7 years. However as I read the book it is triggering recollections of situations or conversations we have had so I can make notes.

I was really upset that despite working from home for 2 days he hadn't put any biscuits down for the cats or given them fresh water. I also told him that I wouldn't be putting my name against anymore debt and I wasn't comfortable with the proposal and he turned on me saying he had never suggested amalgamating the debts as a definite, it was an idea he had. However I remember him saying that's what he would do because all our (mainly his) would then be in the one place. He accused me again of hiding things and not being straight with him in the past. However when we got together several bailiffs and demand letters turned up at my house. I am convinced thats why he had to move out of his flat so quickly and in with me.

I just need to try and sort through the mess in my head and stop

feeling bad for wanting to be happy and free and de-stressed. I need to believe truly and deeply that what he is doing is bad and damaging and not keep questioning whether it IS me. Argh!! Its exhausting.

He is accusing my mum of trying to come between us because she doesn't like him and accusing me of being led by my mums agenda. Does he not think I am capable of making my mind up?!?! Of course he doesn't........

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/08/2017 20:41

I need to believe truly and deeply that what he is doing is bad and damaging and not keep questioning whether it IS me.

Perhaps you have that the wrong way round. In the situation you have described, I would be a problem. I would be a very fucking big problem. I would be incompatible with him. I could not be happy. Everyone in the world could agree that he was the best person in the world and I still would not be happy. Of course, in your situation, everyone who matters says he is a bully.

Me, I would not attempt to change myself, I'd do us both a favour and say, "It's over. It's me not you. I can't change. Goodbye.", etc. The break up classics are classics for a reason.

Have you booked to see a solicitor yet? Seeing one isn't the same as going through with it. See it as information gathering to help you choose your next move, independently of him.

enogefiw · 02/12/2017 18:32

Hi Solero

I have sent you a private message. It thought I would add that Mumsnet is quick to label and is unforgiving in doing so.

People fail to take into account that posters, as well as their partners have their own individual issues and are not simply a clean blamefree, fautles poster. Yet from a one sided view point which is understandably weighted towards the poster the partners are often dismissed as simple abusers, narc's, gaslighters, lovebombers and all the other vogue descriptions. In reality people are complicated and act in certain ways because of various reasons both historic and or current.

Mumsnet and other forums like labels and shouting and accusing people of being such. Why?because it's easy to do in annonim when it does not effect you it's what the popcorn smilie was invented for.

Blanca87 · 02/12/2017 18:57

Are you the cunty husband Enogefiw? Sounds like it.

Annelind · 02/12/2017 19:05

Given that Enogefiw is Wifegone backwards.....Hmm

Animation86 · 02/12/2017 19:24

Wtf
Really disturbed by this Enogefiw poster, should it be the OPs husband it really goes to show just how deeply abusive he is

Afterthestorm · 02/12/2017 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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