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Original poster

DH on tinder

51 replies

inabitofapicklehelp · 03/08/2017 16:22

NC for this as friends know my user name and I haven't spoken to anyone about this issue yet.

So it transpired that last year DH had a Tinder account (discovered from it still being a 'connected app' in Facebook). He claims it was for around six months and the motive was because he felt he wasn't getting enough affection when our DC was born and it gave him low self esteem. He says that he never met up with anyone from it and hasn't been unfaithful, he says a few of his friends were on it using it to build their confidence from 'swipes', and that's what he used it for. I was shocked to discover this, don't get me wrong I knew he had a hard time adjusting to becoming a father and could be resentful that my attention was now on the baby but as he started to really throw himself into his work (and it is high pressured, long hours) I assumed he'd channeled his focus into that whilst I took on the role of housewife/mum, and perhaps was a little bit of the more traditional 'women look after the children and home' attitude that his DF also seems to have.

I've been really hurt by this and I'm still really struggling to deal with it, I feel hurt that at what should be such a lovely time for a new family he detached himself and started considering other options. I really do feel like these actions were being unfaithful, the story about self esteem boosting from swipes doesn't make sense to me. DH is quite dismissive and wants me to forget about it, he says ultimately he didn't leave and isn't going to so that is that. But to be honest I don't know how to deal with it to move on from it, particularly now DC is getting to the age where, had this not all come to light, we said we would be trying for number two.

Should I deal with this in the same way as infidelity, maybe look at counselling? If there are any 'moved on from Tindergate' success stories too that would be great, to see light at the end of the tunnel so to speak! At the moment my head is everywhere going back in time trying to figure out where I went wrong.

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 03/08/2017 16:32

You didn't go wrong OP, he did. He's being a dick being dismissive of you, as if you're feelings aren't important.

What a twat trying to blame you for his stupidity by saying he had low self esteem due to lack of attention.

Be strong OP. You deserve better than this.

Noisygirls · 03/08/2017 16:36

It isn't about whether he decided to leave or not.

It's about whether this is a game changer for you in the relationship and whether you want to leave or not! Surely he understands this?

Collidascope · 03/08/2017 16:37

I think the fact that he is dismissive rather than apologetic does not bode well. Also the jealousy over his own child -again, not good, and it must make you doubt having another with him when this was his response last time to not getting enough of your attention. He's meant to be an adult. Did he help you much with the baby or just stay out of the house a lot?
Also, he says he wasn't unfaithful -but I'm guessing he knew you wouldn't like what he was doing, hid it from you and wasn't exactly quick to offer you an explanation when you did discover it. Also, I suppose you've only his word that he didn't meet anyone and he does 'long hours'. And he already appears to have been deceitful to you.
Sorry he's done this, OP. You should be enjoying this time and I imagine hes completely ballsed that up.

Oly5 · 03/08/2017 16:41

I think you should insist he goes to relationship counselling if he wants to save the marriage. I would find this devastating and for me, the intention to shag somebody else was there. Just because he didn't get lucky doesn't mean he didn't hope to.
And jealousy over a new child is immature. I think you both need professional input

AdelicaArundel · 03/08/2017 16:43

"my head is everywhere going back in time trying to figure out where I went wrong"

did you go on Tinder due to the effect on your self-esteem given the changes to your body and role after becoming a parent?
Um, no?

So...what did you do wrong then?....

Sounds as if someone struggled with the transition from "we're a couple and she gives me lots of attention" to "we're a couple and we give our family lots of attention".

Yes, I would classify that as being as significant as infidelity... on MN you often hear of the emotional affair, where the attention that is your partner's due is given to a third person.

The person who needs to work on themselves is your DP
And the person who decides whether this relationship continues and when the couple moves on from it is...? You

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2017 16:52

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and it looks like his father is the self same.

It does not bode well for you going forward in this relationship mainly because of his overall attitude towards you i.e. saying that you should forget about it (impossible really) and he being put out by having his position as being number 1 in your life usurped by his own child (a huge red flag). If you had done this he would not be at all forgiving of you at all would he?. He feels he has not cheated here at all because he did not do anything. Well yes he did and there was intention there. He also kept this hidden from you for six months, you would not have known about this even now had it not been for a connected FB app.

I would consider counselling for your own self because you need to talk about this in a calm and safe environment. I doubt if he would actually deign to see a counsellor anyway given that he has not apologised nor has really accepted any responsibility for his actions.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2017 16:56

Re your last sentence.

And you did not err either; he did.

MeetMeInMontauk · 03/08/2017 17:08

My daughter is coming up for a year old next month. In her first year of life, I never felt threatened by my wife's understandable shift of focus towards our child, nor felt the need to head off to the internet for an anonymous ego massage due to a lost sense of self. At any rate, he is feeding you shit about it being a 'confidence boost'; he has clearly felt it necessary to maintain some ties to his self-image as an available, relevant single man - hardly positive qualities in a father. There is more to this than he is happy to admit to, and you know it OP.

Adora10 · 03/08/2017 17:09

I bet he's dismissive, he doesn't even seem sorry, that's maybe why you can't move on, who could.

I'm afraid in my eyes I would see this as a form of cheating, he's also quite happy to humiliate you by advertising himself on a site used by millions.

Sorry but I'd be at least giving him a consequence which would probably mean a split, at least temporarily, he does not sound committed to you and as you are married, it's not looking good.

I also find men who excuse this shit behaviour because they are not getting attention as weak and I'd expect it to happen again.

user1497997754 · 03/08/2017 18:14

He is a little boy...tell him to grow up and behave like a decent husband and father and not like Peter Pan...I would get rid of him much to juvenile to command any kind of respect from me...good luck

Custardo · 03/08/2017 18:18

yeah counselling - deffo do it, he will feel like a right tit saying to someone else - "erm....yeah well...like...i wasn't getting attention cos of the baby like.... erm...so i went on tinder....y'know for the swipes"

it is simply ridiculous - let him say that shit in front of a stranger

AnyFucker · 03/08/2017 18:22

Chuck him back into the single pool where he wants to be

He doesn't deserve the soft landing of loving partner and child while he looks to get his cock stroked elsewhere

What a fucking tool

Original poster
inabitofapicklehelp · 03/08/2017 18:25

Thanks for all your responses, I guess it's hard when you're just dealing with it alone to see clearly, I felt like I'd done something wrong to deserve this but actually you've made me realise that this is all his doing, and his dismissive attitude isn't fair. Thanks also to the Dad that gave his insight, I was feeling like perhaps I'd misunderstood how hard it was for dads and that had caused DHs behaviour. I do feel angry at him now for distancing himself and seeing his sex drive as a higher priority than being a family. It makes me question every time he said he was working late, but I guess if he hasn't told me by now if he has been unfaithful I guess he never will. I'm so sad that he's done this to us, I was so looking forward to having more DCs but it doesn't look like that's a great idea now

OP posts:
Original poster
inabitofapicklehelp · 03/08/2017 18:27

I will suggest counselling and see how that's received

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 03/08/2017 18:35

Honestly I'd be out of there. Who does he think he is? He didn't leave so you don't get to feel angry/upset by it? WTAF? I'd say he was a child if it wasn't an insult to children. I genuinely couldn't allow a man who thought that way to ever touch me again. We would be done just because of the tinder but adding in his attitude to your feelings and his jealousy over a baby he is 50% responsible for creating and I'd be showing him the door quicker than he could swipe right.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2017 18:38

Your life would be better improved by getting counselling for yourself to explore why your 1st instinct was to blame yourself for the sexual incontinence of your husband

Were you raised in a manpleasing environment where they are owed sex and cheating was overlooked as "boys will be boys" ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2017 18:39

He will probably completely dismiss the idea of counselling given his attitude. In that case I would go on your own to such sessions and consider your future within this relationship very carefully. He really has shown you no remorse whatsoever for his actions that he also did of his own free will.

oldlaundbooth · 03/08/2017 18:41

Once again, anyfucker has it.

SuperPug · 03/08/2017 18:46

Agree with Any here.
Did you give up your career for him? I'd be looking into getting back into work as soon as dcs are old enough. You will need more security with someone like him.
He deceived you and also deceived people online as well. Of course, that doesn't matter as much but it's still shitty.
What kind of man thinks it's ok to do this when you've just had a baby. He sounds pathetic and should have been helping you out instead of being on his phone.
I would follow the (excellent) advice on here and start recording anything you mind, photocopying documents.
It's worrying that he doesn't see that it's important to make it up to you and suggests he doesn't respect you as much as he should do.

SuperPug · 03/08/2017 18:47

*find not mind.

user1497997754 · 03/08/2017 18:49

I would divorce hin for unreasonable behaviour and screw him for everything you can....house...pension ...savings ....and kick him out and let him swipe on tinder every minute of every day...get the CSA involved and hope he won't be able to afford a bloody phone

schoolgaterebel · 03/08/2017 18:56

Massive red flag No. 1: The fact that he has lost confidence l, low self esteem etc. over the birth of his own child is absolutely pathetic, how juvenile and selfish of him.

Massive red flag No. 2: the fact that he is dismissive of this huge, hurtful and selfish thing he has done instead of begging for forgiveness and trying to do everything in his power to make it better.

How dare the selfish man child cause you to start doubting yourself.

Orangetoffee · 03/08/2017 19:02

He doesn't think he has done anything wrong so why would he be interested in counselling? Unless it gives him the opportunity to point out your 'faults' and 'shortcomings'.

And don't fall for the 'men find it harder to ...' crap.

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2017 19:30

I don't think I'd be divorcing him , but I'd consider it if he stayed dismissive and wouldn't go to counselling. Current position after all is you don't want more children with him because you can't trust him to support his family and his wife, and that's not really an acceptable position for me in my marriage with only one child so far.

Original poster
inabitofapicklehelp · 03/08/2017 19:58

Anyfucker sorry perhaps I didn't explain very well, my 1st instinct wasn't to blame myself, but it was the way he explained so strongly about the lack of affection since DC came along that made me look back and try to find what I did wrong. I know that's irrational now, I think when you're in the heat of it all and desperately trying to believe that the man you had children with isn't a wanker your mind tries to make it ok. I certainly wasn't raised to turn a blind eye, that's why I want to tackle it.

Yes I did give up work for him, more fool me. So he could 'focus on supporting the family' Confused He's a successful business man, very tenacious and determined - he'll be hell to divorce and get support from. Argh what a mess

OP posts:
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