DH on tinder

[inabitofapicklehelp]

NC for this as friends know my user name and I haven't spoken to anyone about this issue yet.

So it transpired that last year DH had a Tinder account (discovered from it still being a 'connected app' in Facebook). He claims it was for around six months and the motive was because he felt he wasn't getting enough affection when our DC was born and it gave him low self esteem. He says that he never met up with anyone from it and hasn't been unfaithful, he says a few of his friends were on it using it to build their confidence from 'swipes', and that's what he used it for. I was shocked to discover this, don't get me wrong I knew he had a hard time adjusting to becoming a father and could be resentful that my attention was now on the baby but as he started to really throw himself into his work (and it is high pressured, long hours) I assumed he'd channeled his focus into that whilst I took on the role of housewife/mum, and perhaps was a little bit of the more traditional 'women look after the children and home' attitude that his DF also seems to have.

I've been really hurt by this and I'm still really struggling to deal with it, I feel hurt that at what should be such a lovely time for a new family he detached himself and started considering other options. I really do feel like these actions were being unfaithful, the story about self esteem boosting from swipes doesn't make sense to me. DH is quite dismissive and wants me to forget about it, he says ultimately he didn't leave and isn't going to so that is that. But to be honest I don't know how to deal with it to move on from it, particularly now DC is getting to the age where, had this not all come to light, we said we would be trying for number two.

Should I deal with this in the same way as infidelity, maybe look at counselling? If there are any 'moved on from Tindergate' success stories too that would be great, to see light at the end of the tunnel so to speak! At the moment my head is everywhere going back in time trying to figure out where I went wrong.

I had the exact same situation happen to me when my child was born. My DP's excuse was he thought it was an app to just look at women. He didn't realise you could actually hook up with anyone until a woman sent him a message. I found out after he didn't close the message down and I opened his phone to take a photo. He did initially lie to me about who she was and how he came to talk to her but he soon told me the truth about joining tinder and his reasons why. He was trying to sweep It under the carpet so I joined tinder too (with his knowledge) and showed him in less than 5 mins I had 3 messages from guys, 1 was offering to fuck my brains out, 1 wanted me to give him children and 1 wanted to go On a date. He was very apologetic and didn't actually believe that Tinder was used in that way. I'm not 100% sure he was as naive as he made out but nothing like this has ever happened again. We are very open to each other about looking at people in public or on tv, we both understand that each of us do it and we don't give each other a hard time about it.
I was upset for a few weeks, but my trust was restored since he's not secretive of his phone/laptop and we spent a bit of time alone together. I would agree that it's probably not a good idea to have another child just yet but I don't think it's grounds for breaking up

It's up to him to restore the trust....YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG...take control you are in the driving seat....don't let him make you feel bad...he is pathetic...treat him as such

Focus on counselling or whatever you feel is best at the moment. You're not a fool, he is. It makes me so angry that some men behave like this.
Start planning for the worse. Please don't think I'm making any judgement on SAP/ WP but having your own money and a bit more security will put you in a better position. Do you have family nearby?
He may, through counselling, realise he's been an utter idiot and move forward.
And then you may decide you don't want to be with him anyway and it will be bloody hard but it will be ok. If he can't change, don't waste any more years with him in an unhappy marriage.

"He's a successful business man, very tenacious and determined - he'll be hell to divorce and get support from."

Oh, he just gets better and better, OP.

YOU are a fantastic mother....YOU to can be tenacious and determined to NOT let this vile human being walk over you.....don't bother with the counselling ...make your own plans to get rid of him and get treated the way you should be.....with love and respect

Any divorce lawyer will put this prick in his place.

I don't have family nearby. To be honest when it all came out had my mum been nearby I'd have escaped to there to make him realise how serious I was taking it. Thanks for all your advice on working on myself I guess I've changed a lot since having DC, and feel indebted to DH for allowing me to stay at home. Before he arrived I always thought I'd take my year and head back to my city job but when he arrived and I fell in love I didn't want to leave him. I see now that for my own good I need to switch my mindset. Leaving him now I do feel would be hasty and mean total life changes for me and DC, I wouldn't be able to afford to stay in the house and even the area with just my salary. Just praying talking to him with the stance of 'you need to fix this' will get a good response

He's dismissive because if he apologises and tried to make amends, then its an admission of guilt. To carry on the charade of 'I didn't meet anyone, it was an ego boost', he has to look like he's not really done anything wrong.
He's a dick.

Anyfucker I imagined saying 'he downloaded tinder but says he didn't cheat' would be a bit disregarded by a lawyer. Will they accept this as grounds to take him for all he's worth?

Yes.

Yes

You can divorce him if you want to for any reason at all

And "all he is worth" is probably at least half yours and more if you remain resident parent

I fully agree with Anyfucker.....

OP, my husband was on Tinder too www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2977773-Husband-on-Tinder?pg=5&order=
Also said he "just looked". I've had a lot of time to think about it and I've realised that 1. There is no acceptable explanation for being on Tinder whilst married 2. It shows a massive lack of commitment and respect for the marriage 3. If they're not taking responsibility for their wrongdoing, there's nothing YOU can do

So instead of helping you out through the hard baby phase, and concentrating on being a family - he was looking for an out, and not only downloaded but made a profile on a dating app. I'd say having had that app for the 6 months you say, he's met women. I think you need an STI check before even thinking about anything else.
He's an absolute tool, OP and the fact he's treated you like this at the time when you've been most vulnerable says that he doesn't really love you. Is he worthy of you? No, he isn't and the fact he's dismissing your worries without any form of apology or remorse says he'll do it each and every time you "neglect" him. Keep proof of his profile etc, and talk to a solicitor.

Why couldn't he talk to you first about his "low self esteem" and the change in the relationship dynamic? Why was his first response to use Tinder? I would be hurt that he didn't speak to me first about how he was feeling and obviously that's the logical thing to do so it sounds like an excuse.

Like Catapillar has said - I'd be really tempted to take a few nice pics of myself and get on Tinder and let him find me. I can imagine he'd hate the thought of other men looking at you.

It's up to you where you go from here but I think relationship counselling would be the route to take. Tell him you'd like to tackle his "low self esteem"! Hope all turns out well for you

Why should she go on Tinder .....2 bads don't make a good....why should she sink to his level....blaming his low self esteem is rubbish....just an excuse.....he was looking to cheat on her full stop....who is to stay he won't do it again....the trust has gone....she needs to just cut her losses....get rid of him....build a good future for herself...kick him where it hurts most FINANCIALLY

Urge, how pathetic. It's hard seeing someone you thought you knew in such an unpleasant light. His dismissiveness just highlights the depth of his contempt.

I'm not buying his bullshit, I didn't realise that self esteem resided in the penis. His behaviour is clearly sending you the message that you need to watch your back, as his ego has to be massaged at all times or else.

Your comment about what he'd be like in the event of a divorce just demonstrates how delicate his ego is and what his priorities are.

Don't beat yourself up, fatherhood brought out a selfish entitlement in my ex and exposed a side of him that although was shocking but unfortunately not that surprising.

In the end the idea of living with a man who displayed such poor qualities that I would not be happy for my DD to date, just turned me off. I gave birth to one child, I didn't sign up for the depressing task of parenting an entitled man baby.

The battle lines have been drawn. STFU as is his wish, or making it clear that his behaviour is a reflection of his character shortcomings and not yours and demanding that he work on them.

There are comments all over this site from men about women analysing situations too much and this is another. After children are born it's normal for things to go off the boil and it takes effort to get it back. Men crave physical attention and that's what you have to put back. Take every opportunity to show him affection. Go put your arm around him, squeeze his cock, and look longingly into his eyes. Shag him at every opportunity. Flirt, tease, and act generally seductively. Always look a million dollars and get your figure back if you haven't already done so.

'He didn't leave and isn't going to so that's that'

What a self absorbed man child way trail of thought. Personally if he wasn't emotionally mature enough to recognise his behaviour for what is was, and how it might impact on you I suggest it was for the best he did leave. His full focus should be on supporting (and enjoying) you and his new child.

he says ultimately he didn't leave and isn't going to so that is that.

Oh ho ho ho. No, that isn't how it works. On account of you, y'know, being a person and an equal agent in the relationship, not a robot there to cook, clean and raise his child and all that.

Definitely no No. 2 and definitely time to rethink. This one is a loser - if he wasn't unfaithful, it really is only a matter of time as the years plod on and he gets itchy feet. Feel sorry for him - at the time when your relationship should have been deepening as you went through the most intense experience of all, he failed to see it and checked out. And that's your warning - ultimately he is superficial, lacking in heart, lacking in real love. He doesn't get it. This man mistakes the thrill for what it's all about, and he WILL cheat you and your child.

I would absolutely get out now and it would have little to do with the nitpicking over what he actually 'did' - that sentence I quote at the top would encapsulate it for me. This one is a loser. Get out and find a real partner, a partner for life and a proper parent.

It's not too late, and thankfully you are married so I'd dig out all financial information, go see a lawyer and get them to do a few sums based on you being primary carer and SAHP who's given up their career for a duff one. You will be entitled to more than 50% to reflect the fact that your child will live with you, and a reasonable level of suppport to enable to you get back to where you were career-wise before your marriage. Good luck.

'Always look a million dollars'
'Shag Him at every opportunity'
'Get your figure back'

Really??!! Is this what we need to do to keep our husbands? Whom we have just birthed their child? What happened to honesty, love & respect??

Op, I too had a jealous DH who required constant attention & reassurance, which is now improving as DS gets older but even now & most likely for always I will look at him & think he acted like a tool. I've lost respect for him that I don't think I can ever get back.

Your situation is most complex with him being on tinder & I definitely think if I also had found out something like that, it would be a deal breaker for me, I would have been gone.

Ilovejonahhill thanks for your post, may I ask how you have managed you DHs need for attention to get the improvement? I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to tackle it. It's so true that you do lose respect for them!

Definitely none of the stuff that another poster suggested

It was difficult, a lot of arguments & at one point I did threaten to leave it was like having a third child if I'm honest!.

Practically this is what I did:

Got baby into a good routine, early bedtime.
Part cooked food that is quick to finish off.
Did all my bits before he got home from work.
I did this so evenings would be 'our' time together & then technically he couldn't grumble as what' else could I do??

But the biggest thing was just time as our DS got older & more 'manageable' (to him!) he seemed to embrace & enjoy it more & he stopped moaning .

How old is your child? Sorry if you have mentioned, I must have missed it.

Obviously the tinder thing makes it more difficult for you. Have you asked him how's he thinks you can give more time?? If he's completely unreasonable in what he says then I don't think he will change.

Im afraid the Tinder thing for me would be an absolute no no regardless of anything else . How embarrasing if friends saw him there etc. Lets face it unlike other places Tinder is initially about 'looks' and interest, so its not as if you can be there incognito just to see 'who is out there' out of curiosity, unless I have misundertood it. !!