My husband said he feels suicidal over a job interview

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No idea what to do. He is blaming me and I am starting to doubt myself and worry that I have done something wrong. It only happened this morning and he's out now but was angry at suggestion of Doctor.

My husband hates his job, it is shit. The hours are terrible, mostly evenings and weekends, so no time as a family, the pay is low and it's generally crap. Has been looking for a new job for quite some time with no joy. Was just looking at minimum wage office jobs simply so he'd be home more but hearing nothing. His brother works for a large company and a role come up. They offered him an interview. The hours are perfect and a bit flexible, pay is a step up, they encourage working from home one day a week and get a yearly bonus. Once you are In there are many way to progress. Sounds perfect and he said he was interested.

Started to get cold feet... I put it down to lack of confidence. Trying for ages to build him up, tell him his brother wouldn't have recommended him if he wasn't capable, it's exactly what he's wanted. He really convinced himself job would be too difficult for him and was closin down every time I brought it up or talked about preparing for interview. His excuses seemed to be silly, claiming that it was too far to commute (40 minutes) so if I was ever rushed to hospital it would take him longer to get there. He doesn't want to go on the train because there are sometimes delays. The money isn't even THAT much more once tax and then tax credits are all sorted, which is true, but still a step in the right direction with us getting off tax credits. But we can't do anything as a family, no plans can be made because his job doesn't follow a regular rota so none of us have hobbies, I'm alone with the kids most evenings and every weekend. It is shit.

Seemed to turn a corner over the weekend when we went through some documents they sent through with confirmation of his interview time. He had been refusing to read them. We went through them together and he said you're right, I could do that. He has a habit of buryibg his head in the sand and refusing to deal with things. Spoke to his brother about some interview prep, was coming up with good suggestions etc, seemed positive. Then back down again. His lack of confidence is astounding. It seemed that he was intentionally sabotaging the best offer he's ever had out of fear of the Unknown. I did something similar a while back and regretted it and so kept encouraging and pushing him, thinking if I could just get him through this interview then he migh finally start to see some improvement and be happier. I thought he would regret it if he didn't go for it. And it is only an interview and he already has a job, he has literally nothing to lose.

This morning he refused to get up. I was pleading with him by this point because his brother would look like an absolute idiot if he just wasted their time. His brother is also being considered for a promotion and gem being unable to trust his judgement would make him look bad. He told me he might as well just throw himself in front of the train and if he did get the job it would be so bad for his mental health he would end up killing himself.

He needs to speak to mental health professionals.

I would tell brother he's ill and unable to attend. Shit happens.

And concentrate on your dh getting help.

Take care of yourself too.

Pressed send too soon. I probed further and he said he has been feeling suicidal lately. Totally shocked me. He said I should have listened to him and I don't give a shit about him. Nothing could be further from the truth. I genuinely thought that just encouraging him to do an interview now could improve his life so much in the future. The lives of everyone in our family. I didn't want him to not go for it and regret it. I am currently a sahm and have been studying so that I can go back to work and get a better job. I've suggested that we switch and I work and he look after our son if his job is making him that unhappy. He always refuses. I've asked him to look into courses and qualifications and anything he'd like to do and he could change career and i would support our family. He said he would go to the interject so as not to embarrass his brother but by this point I didn't want him to go. I said I would call and cancel and book a doctors appointment. He refused and went and says he won't see a doctor. I am in a panic. He says of course he won't actually kill himself because he would do that to me and the kids but how do I know that. He says I should have listened to him. I have listened to him but I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. He has convinced himself that this job would be terrible and awful and I don't know why. He's never done the job or even set foot in the place. So he is saying that he feels like this BECAUSE of the interview rather than that he is thinking so extremely about an interview because of how he is feeling right now. He can't see that he is being irrational.

He said he would go to the interview and just not speak. I don't think he will actually do that but there's no way he'll be getting the job anyway. I just don't know what to do. He will come home after the interview but then has work. I don't want him to go, I want us to talk and him to go to the doctors but he will refuse. He was just lying in the shower crying until ten minutes before he had to leave. His brother has told me he complained about having to be on a train and that he doesn't even want the job and I have pushed him into it. I texted to check how he was before he went in and he replied I feel shit I hate this place.

He really does need to speak to his GP. This is really extreme anxiety, by the sounds of it.

I sympathise, I have felt so completely overwhelmed before like that about jobs. It is a confidence thing. It's awful and so debilitating. He's just completely over thinking it.

I don't know what to suggest, because explaining "what have you got to lose/just do it for the interview experience etc" probably won't get through to him when he feels like this.

I think it's basically that he feels so, so much pressure to get a new job that it's paralysing him, because if he tries and fails, all hope will feel like it's lost, but if he sabotages it himself, then he can feel less rejected. That's sort of how I felt anyway when I was having similar feelings.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that you know it's NOT your fault, and that this blame coming in your direction is part of what's wrong.

I agree with you that talking to a doctor is pretty necessary, by I wonder if your area also do a self-referral through IAPT? It could be worth you talking to a local Mind organisation for advice about who else might offer initial help.

It sounds like your husband is really low. He's pushing himself through this interview too, I'm sure he knows what a new job would bring to your family in terms of improvements, but he's not feeling capable enough to manage (which, I guess, makes him feel worse).

I hope that you can find a way to get him to speak to someone, even if it's not a 'doctor' in the first instance. It's hard when you're with someone whose instinct is bury their head about things and let things go wrong (personal experience there).

Ok. Now to deal with practical stuff. Book him an appointment with the GP. Or book one for yourself so you can talk through your concerns with the GP.

Forget the interview, job etc. Focus on getting him to see a medical professional.

I am so worried that I have dine irreparable damage to him/our relationship. He is saying that he felt fine before the interview and has only felt bad in the run up to it but how can the possibility of an interview bring on depression and suicidal thoughts within two weeks?? I was depressed for many years and suicidal for part of it so I do understand. But I really feel like he is thinking this way about the interview/job because he has become locked into his own thoughts. I have been pushing him. I thought I was doing the right thing for him and I would be letting him down if I just let him give up and let it pass him by. It was the second anniversary of his mom's death this weekend. He didn't realise until the actual day but it hit him hard when he suddenly realised. He seemed OK after that though, obviously not great but coping ok. I can't believe he thinks I dont give a shit about him. I have done nothing but support him throug everything. I just don't know what to do now.

Well definitely not your fault, he's lashing out at you for a different reason. It sounds like you've been encouraging and supportive in a normal way.
I would ignore the blaming you side of things, however hurtful just let it wash over you for now. It's kind of a threat it itself - if you don't back off I'll kill myself.
It's not normal behaviour & he does need to see a doctor. How you get him there if he's refusing idk

How stressful. It seems that somehow he has fixated on this interview as the magic bullet to make everything better and it has all got too much.

However, I am sure that I have read that interviews are not a particularly reliable way of selecting people - anxiety about the interview doesn't mean that he wouldn't be able to do the job.

He will be home in a bit but I think he won't want to talk and will try to brush it all under the carpet. I have requested that he have some counselling in the past after his moms death but he refused. I expected him to not be ok for a long time after that and he does seem to have gradually been improving but he kept having these dips where he'd be really down and not speaking or moving or anything but that hasn't happened for a while now until this. I really am worried that I have somehow caused this. I don't know what to say to him. He doesn't seem to want to listen to me because it is my fault and just kept saying I should have listened and I don't give a shit about him. He has had another interview in this time but it wasn't for a 'good' job. It's like he's decided he's not good enough. But I had to do all the preparation for that too, I did all the research, came up with possible answers etc and tbh my frustration is probably coming through. He says he wants better but then doesn't seem willing to put the effort in and expects it just happen. I didn't know he was restricting his job search to things only very close to home. That's why I've pushed so much. I know I'm focusing on pushing him to do this interview because I can't discuss doctors with him or anything else right now and I feel SO much guilt that this is my fault.

You've been doing what you thought was best on the information you had. You've done nothing wrong. He needs help

I definitely think he should have gone for the interview.

I am sorry but it was worth the risk given the benefits it will bring to your life as a family.

You have not done any great damage to him he just has chronically low esteem and has convinced himself that he is not worthy of this job.

Having MH issues does not mean you should or can give in to them.

He can deal with them when he gets back by making an appointment with his GP.

Tell him you're going to ring the GP anyway. This isn't all about him. This is about your family unit too and his depression/suicidal thoughts will have a huge effect on you all. He needs meds if he won't accept councelling. Also maybe you could speak to the samaratins

Also it is tough luck if he has a bit of travelling to do. That's life. Nobody wants a long commute.

When you are providing for your family you've got to go over and above at times

At the end of the day he's a grown man and could have cancelled the interview himself saying he was poorly.

When he returns can you go for a walk alone with him and have a heart to heart. Drop the kids off with friends/relatives.

I had anxiety that made me feel like that. I would say things like that but would never do it. I hated my job and would feel anxious about going in. I was put on medication and am now over the anxiety and am now in a job I love!
But I needed to be on the medication for a few months before I could even contemplate an interview!

It must be really challenging for him. He's been stuck and depresssed which makes it hard to move forward.

Do you think he's genuinely mentally ill or just lazy? Or the sort of man who lashes out and blames you when all you've been is supportive? It seems a bit of stretch to go from "I'd quite like a nice job" to "Jobs are so hard I'll kill myself - but don't worry, I won't! - and it's all your fault."

I'm not totally heartless. I had depression, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts. I got myself off to a therapist. You can't just hope it will go away or sit and wallow lashing out at others. He's sitting around texting people how 'shit' his life is then not doing a scrap to sort it out.

Imagine the interview/crap work combo has sent his anxiety and depression sky high because a lot rests on the interview. He's probably trying to protect himself from the rejection of failing the interview too. Because he feels so worthless

I can really see that an interview could trigger deep anxiety in his situation.

He needs to see a doctor. You need to stop blaming yourself.

Depression/Anxiety/Grief whatever it is. He needs to get some help. It's easy for him to blame you, but there is far more to it.

Hopefully he's gone to the interview.

Personally, I'd make an appointment with the GP for myself, go along, and discuss your concerns with him. See if there is any way they can call him in for a routine appointment and see if he can be persuaded to open up then. I'm not sure if they would do that, but it's surely worth a shot? And FWIW they won't tell him of your involvement - had to talk to our doctor about DPs drinking, knowing that he had a depression check-up and that he wouldn't raise it himself. I know that the doctor did ask, and, by the sounds of things, DP was honest about it. He doesn't know I mentioned it.

So sorry you are going through this. Book an appointment for the GP for yourself. And ring MIND. Even if he won't go to the GP himself, you need to speak to someone.
When he says again he feels suicidal, ask him if he has a plan to kill himself. Lots of people say they feel suicidal but never do anything. People who have a plan, who know how they will kill themselves, are much more likely to do it. If he doesn't have a plan, he is much more likely not to do anything.

Mental health problems like this are so hard for both of you. And you are not to blame. This job would have made life better, but your DP obviously has extreme anxiety.

It sounds like he thinks he has work trouble but actually he has life trouble that is impacting on his work. If he is so anxious in everyday life that he doesn't want to be away from home, then it's no wonder that he can't find a job that is satisfying.

He says that 40 mins is too far to get to you if you are rushed to hospital, but is there any reason to think that you might be, or is that his anxiety speaking?

YOU haven't done anything wrong, OP. You really haven't. Everything you've done was supportive and meant to be helpful.

Now, however, it seems like he needs help. It sounds like depression has kicked it, and perhaps other mental health issues like anxiety, and he needs help asap. Try to get him to go in to see his GP. If he won't, call them and tell them he's talked about suicide.