My husband said he feels suicidal over a job interview

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No idea what to do. He is blaming me and I am starting to doubt myself and worry that I have done something wrong. It only happened this morning and he's out now but was angry at suggestion of Doctor.

My husband hates his job, it is shit. The hours are terrible, mostly evenings and weekends, so no time as a family, the pay is low and it's generally crap. Has been looking for a new job for quite some time with no joy. Was just looking at minimum wage office jobs simply so he'd be home more but hearing nothing. His brother works for a large company and a role come up. They offered him an interview. The hours are perfect and a bit flexible, pay is a step up, they encourage working from home one day a week and get a yearly bonus. Once you are In there are many way to progress. Sounds perfect and he said he was interested.

Started to get cold feet... I put it down to lack of confidence. Trying for ages to build him up, tell him his brother wouldn't have recommended him if he wasn't capable, it's exactly what he's wanted. He really convinced himself job would be too difficult for him and was closin down every time I brought it up or talked about preparing for interview. His excuses seemed to be silly, claiming that it was too far to commute (40 minutes) so if I was ever rushed to hospital it would take him longer to get there. He doesn't want to go on the train because there are sometimes delays. The money isn't even THAT much more once tax and then tax credits are all sorted, which is true, but still a step in the right direction with us getting off tax credits. But we can't do anything as a family, no plans can be made because his job doesn't follow a regular rota so none of us have hobbies, I'm alone with the kids most evenings and every weekend. It is shit.

Seemed to turn a corner over the weekend when we went through some documents they sent through with confirmation of his interview time. He had been refusing to read them. We went through them together and he said you're right, I could do that. He has a habit of buryibg his head in the sand and refusing to deal with things. Spoke to his brother about some interview prep, was coming up with good suggestions etc, seemed positive. Then back down again. His lack of confidence is astounding. It seemed that he was intentionally sabotaging the best offer he's ever had out of fear of the Unknown. I did something similar a while back and regretted it and so kept encouraging and pushing him, thinking if I could just get him through this interview then he migh finally start to see some improvement and be happier. I thought he would regret it if he didn't go for it. And it is only an interview and he already has a job, he has literally nothing to lose.

This morning he refused to get up. I was pleading with him by this point because his brother would look like an absolute idiot if he just wasted their time. His brother is also being considered for a promotion and gem being unable to trust his judgement would make him look bad. He told me he might as well just throw himself in front of the train and if he did get the job it would be so bad for his mental health he would end up killing himself.

My DH had a nervous breakdown when he was 40, he blamed it entirely on me. So it sounds like he definitely needs to see at GP and it is definitely not your fault; I'm afraid after my own experience I don't have much sympathy but in any case, stop blaming yourself, ignore him blaming you just rinse and repeat "I was trying to help you" and then get on with you holding the family together whilst he gets better - looks like he'll be signed off sick anyway.

I don't think it's laziness but the fact that he buries his head in the sand over everything. During his moms illness I mainly cared for her. I was pregnant and ill myself. Had to stop when it just became too much but luckily SIL could take over by that point. After her death there were all sorts of terrible things and I protected him from it as much as I could despite pregnancy and then baby. Of course in that situation I would do that because he was going through something horrific but it's quite typical of our relationship. I shoulder things that are emotionally difficult or hard to face and come up with plans and basically take over. I write his cvs and do all research for him, tell him what could come up in an interview etc despite the fact I've never even had a job. I think he sees things and thinks yes I would like that but then kind of freezes. He is convinced he is thick. I have pointed out to him that I wouldn't have married somebody of unusually low intelligence since we would struggle to have conversation but he won't listen.

He has become totally fixated on this interview. At first it did seem to be fear because it was totally different to anything he's done, he felt that they might fire him for incompetence since he'd be conning his way through an interview thanks to help from his brother. But then he decided that he would hate the job. He has no basis for that, he just decided it. Acted like it would be some soul destroying job that he would only be enduring for the sake of his family and that's why I was pushing him - for my own benefit and not giving any thought to what he'd be going through. He's been really fixated on it.

OP I think that when you're prone to anxiety, any shift away from the comfort zone is huge. I would imagine his brother working there wouldn't help - the weight of expectation is already top much pressure for him without a close family member being involved. It's just more people to let down when he fails at it... is perhaps how he thinks of it.

The sad thing is that anxiety is eased by familiarity and routine so if he got it he'd feel loads better.

He's stuck and frightened of change by the sound of things. I'd imagine the pressure of the interview and what it represents has exacerbated feelings which he already had.

I feel for him. It sounds like his current job is teaching him that work gives no reward. I suspect the loop is 'i can't work harder than I already do' with a perception that more money means more stress and working harder. . Of course this isn't true, but even I, who knows this intellectually, find this is my emotional response far too often, in fact I'm feeling it now as I'm doing a job I find easy and am working harder than my colleagues but getting nothing but negative feedback so it can feel like 'what can I do, I can't work harder is this all i' m capable of, wow I can't even do this shit job without people thinking I'm crap, so I'm worse than people who do shit jobs... Etc etc.
So when you say his current job is shit, the pays shit and the hours are shit, itsnot really a surprise to me that he feel like this, that is what shit jobs do, especially when management is poor, or worse, drawn from people who have been in the shit job for ages.. He does need a break, no doubt, and also a decent work environment, and self care would certainly assist. I think certainly doctors at least to get paid time off initially, and a lot of confidence rebuilding, and perspective. Shit jobs are shit. Work market is worst for good people, and shit work doesn't mean shit person. . I really hope things move forward.

The horrible truth is looking for work earnestly for another shit job is very depressing even for people on top of the world.

Kind thoughts going your way...

i failed at every interview stage because of anxiety y6ou feel like your goig to suffocate-it is harder for men to admit it because thyre meant to be strong and brave b ut thats unfair

i hope he gets the help he needs

No, there is no reason I'd be rushed to hospital. It happened once during my pregnancy but he couldn't even get away from work so it took him a while to get there. I did point out that his sole reason for saying he wouldn't like the job is that it would take an extra twenty minutes to get to me in a one did emergency situation versus the improvements it would bring to our live every single day. He laughed and said well when you put it like that... And admitted he was being silly. It's just gone beyond that now. He's closed down about it. I haven't been allowed to talk about it because every time it is mentioned he shuts down and refuses to speak or do anything. His brother messaged in our group chat yesterday with some good news - one of the women interviewing him was really rooting for him and definitely interested in hiring him and mentioned where he would fall down in terms of experience and what kind of things she would want to hear from him to show that he is capable. He reacted like he'd been given some terrible news.

I agree with previous posters that your husband is dealing with low self-esteem and extreme anxiety. I also suffer aand it can be absolutely debilitating.

From your husbands perspective, he tries avoid putting himself in positions that will trigger anxious feelings. He only takes on what he thinks he can cope with, hence looking for jobs close to home, nothing really challenging, or new. Attempts of positive encouragement only come across as attempts to push the person suffering anxiety into a situation that will make them anxious and fearful. I have absolutely responded badly when someone with best of intentions has tried to tell me I can do something that I am dreadfully sick with fear of doing (even though they are right and I can). At that point it does not sound loving, even though it is of course, and any person attempting to help gets a backlash. Which is what your DH is doing to you. Also offering to support the family while he stays home is very well meant, but probably reinforces his sense that he's failing, or comes across as you not trusting him, which again is not what you mean at all, but he's not in his right mind.

My DH is always telling me off leaving things to the last second of the last minute, but sometimes that is the best I can do. I have had therapy, but need more and your DH definately needs intensive ongoing therapy.

None of it is your fault in any way whatsoever. You sound like a great supportive wife. He absolutely must go to the doctor asap. He should be able to get an emergency appointment. Please don't blame yourself, the roots of this will be way back in his childhood or even genetic.

I know he is capable of more. But he's genuinely saying the job would be terrible. I don't know why he thinks that. He told me he was stuck between a job he hates and a job he doesn't want.

Would I be able to call his doctor? We're not registered at the same surgery and I'm not totally sure who his GP is. I doubt they'd even know he was married.

I had extreme anxiety/low self esteem and depression myself. It is doubly frustrating for me because I can see it for what it is because of my own experiences but he won't believe me. His job isn't even secure. We've dealt with the possibility he's going to be fired twice, once when I was at home with a baby only a few months old. He acted so blasé about it, well I don't care if I get fired, I hate my job anyway etc. While I was shitting myself.

It's all such a mess over something so ridiculous

None of this is your fault. You have been living, supportive, and sensible. Your DH needs professional help.

I believe you can ask the receptionist to get the doctor to phone you. They may be able to do a home visit as you can't physically make him go to the doctors if he doesn't want to.

I think you should have a chat with someone in mental health about what to do next.

You have taken on far more for your DH than you should have to, and it may be the case you're enabling him more than helping at this point. He's opting out to dealing with the normal stresses of life - death, work etc, it can't be ignored. It's not OK for him to refuse to deal with things and threaten suicide to shut you up. Obviously sympathetic to his struggles, but he needs to get proper help.

I think you need to be able to take a step back for your own sake and the dc's. It's not fair on you.

A new job always has a "honeymoon period". Even he doesn't want this job it would take the pressure of his awful current job off him, give him some breathing space and would have a chance to think what he would like to do.

I think that worry, and exhaustion and depression have combined to make him anxious and terrified of what he doesn't know. He has convinced himself that he doesn't want/couldn't do the job, and is now rationalising this by saying he doesn't want it.

I hope he goes for the interview and does his best. If he is offered it then he can decide whether or not to accept. Probably he is afraid that he won't be offered the job, as that would just confirm how he feels inside.

Whatever happens, I hope that you can persuade hi to see his GP - this is dreadful for both of you, and for your child, and is unlikely to get better without help.

Depression is NOT weakness - in fact there is a book "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember author - sorry) where the author argues that it is people who are able to steel themselves to carry on through thick and thin, without thought for themselves - just thinking of the people who depend upon them - who are most likely t succumb. A very good author on depression is Dorothy Rowe - "Depression, The Way out of your Prison" was a turnaround for me. I've suffered terrible depression since childhood, but it was the first book that I read that made any sense.

i do hope for both your sakes that he can bring himself to admit that he is ill. If he broke a leg he wouldn't think twice about getting medical help. A "broken" psyche is no different.

He's opting out to dealing with the normal stresses of life - death, work etc, it can't be ignored. It's not OK for him to refuse to deal with things and threaten suicide to shut you up

I get what you mean and I know your post is supportive of the OPs health too, but he is not choosing to opt out of 'normal' stresses of life, and not using suicide to shut his wife up. Depression and anxiety are like having a broken arm which no one can see which hurts lije hell everytime you move it.

I'm not sure if I can help, but your DH sounds like me on my worst moments. I would just get dragged into these crazy ideas and become paralysed and angry.

I've taken antidepressants, had counselling, etc etc. But one thing that really helped was learning to recognise the thought patterns. If I start to think something like "I'm stuck between a job that I hate and one I don't want", for example, which is classic self sabotage, I now can see it's the anxiety/depression/whatever talking and then try to change it.

I tried CBT with the NHS, but funnily an online CBT site called moodgym ( moodgym.com.au )helped a lot more. It looks like a series of silly exercises, but I decided to give it a try and it was like a light going on in my head.

Now I still have those moments of crazy thoughts and angry self sabotage (had one episode just a few weeks ago, trying to do some work on something I'm not used to), but I manage to stop the process before it gets too bad.

I'm not sure if it's any help, but it may be worth a try. Good luck, and take care of yourself. Don't let his self destructive behaviour affect you too much. You didn't cause it and it's not your fault.

Could the samaritans help

I am not an expert but it sounds to me as if your DH has quite serious depression. That is not the same as being sad because life is shit - a chemical imbalance in the brain is preventing him from thinking straight. You cannot talk him out of this, or persuade him to perceive things differently. He needs to go and talk to a GP. Antidepressant drugs will rebalance his brain chemistry and he will then be able to see a path through this.

He has anxiety and self esteem issues and is catastrophising. That is leading him to self sabotage. Basically he doesn't believe he can do the job or do well in the interview. It is not rational. It is not something he or you can control.

My advice on having experienced this is to go back to basics and when he is like this don't rationalise as you would with an adult. Go back to how you'd comfort a child. Listen to what he says, make him feel heard, don't offer any solutions just listen and confirm his emotions. Eg.' I can see you're really worried' and not 'just give it a try'.

Yes he does need counseling but you can only sow the seed and let him find his way to it. Eg ' my friend had counselling and she said it made her much better able to deal with things ' then leave it to him to process. Going to counseling is a brave step and can take ages to get to.

If he threatens suicide again take all the pressure off and say you'll ring in sick for him so he can rest. Then call the samaritans and see what they suggest.

The main thing is to take all pressure off him and to treat him like a scared child when he is having a moment. Don't think it's your fault. He'd be like this whether you were there or not. It's part of his personality and only he can change it. You just have to work out how to deal with it.

Don't get into a discussion with him about how shit he is as he'll just try to prove he is no matter what you say or do. Just tell him when he's up again how much you respect him for working such horrible hours for his family.

This is a golden opportunity for him to have a better, happier and more successful life. But his finger is quivering over the self destruct button. How utterly frustrating. It sounds like you are a fantastic and supportive wife and saying all the right things. Do not blame yourself. You are thinking logically and he isn't, he definitely needs professional advice but I suspect he will be stubborn and refuse. If he doesn't go to the interview and carries on in his crap job and barely seeing you and your DS, you're going to feel annoyed at him for missing this potential way out and it could eat away at your currently strong relationship. I can see it from both sides, it's a tough one.

This is very saddening to hear, sounds like crippling lack of self-confidence and anxiety, none of this is your fault OP, so do not be hard on yourself, you've done all the right things so far.

GP is a must, it took me a long time to admit to myself I needed help, I kind of knew, but didn't do anything about it.

Thanks for all your messages. He came back and we had another talk. He did go through with the interview but says he performed terribly even though they asked the exact questions he had prepared for. He says he feels ok now because it's over... Seriously seems to think that I should pretend this morning and the weeks leading up to it never happened. He has confirmed that he wouldn't be happy to do that if it was the other way around. He's gone to work now so we only had half an hour.

He has refused suggestions of seeing a doctor and either taking tablets or having some counselling. He said that I went through it all and came out of the other side by myself so he's just going to do that too. He's totally ignoring he fact that the first step was when I went to the GP and started taking medication and having weekly sessions with a psychologist. They went on for quite some time. The medication immediately lifted me and enabled me to start making some changes to improve my life - it was the kickstart I needed and it still took years for me to get to where I am now. Even going to the GP and admitting that something was wrong and having somebody else confirm it helped me change my perception of things. He won't acknowledge any of that, though. And even if it was all ok now because the interview was over, the fact that he reacted that way to something like an interview is still not ok and shows that there is a problem. I don't feel that he will really kill himself. When I asked him about it again he said that he just wants to not exist, not kill himself. It's something I used to say, thinking that that made it all ok, but now I realise how horrifying it is to hear. He says it's because he's had a stressful week. The week hasn't been great, but it's not been that bad. He had the weekend off, which was unusual. He hasn't been home for tea any nights this week and has had things to do on the mornings, so one morning we needed to do some shopping, another he went to see his Nan and now he's had this interview. Tomorrow he's in work early and then we're going on holiday on the evening, but I will do all packing and preparation for that. So I still don't think it's normal to be unable to cope with a week that looks like that. It's really not that bad.

I'm not sure where to go from here. He's made his position very clear and I'm sure everything will go back to 'normal' now until the next thing happens.

Well I think you must put it to him that you absolutely cannot move forward as a family without him making proper attempts to get help. He needs to see how negatively this is affecting you, especially. I would be quite insistent that he see the doctor. Very insistent.

Have you told him you saw your GP and got meds first?

I'd tell him he has a choice. Either he sees the GP or he moves back to his parents because you have decided not to accept his choice of doing nothing because it effects the whole family.

Tell his brother family and close friends what happened and tell them that you're in stale mate but he desperately needs help.