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Original poster

To think MIL should host Christmas at her house?

60 replies

Snowballs0 · 02/08/2017 09:26

DH and I live abroad. We are coming back to the UK this Christmas to see family and friends. We have been away for 4 years. DH's family and my family live in the same city.

DH's little brother and his family live a 2.5 hour drive away from our city, yet MIL wants to go to BIL's house for Christmas this year.

I think that PIL should host Christmas in our home city (and BIL's family to come down and stay with them) as that way, everyone gets to see everyone, and DH and I can spend time with both our sets of parents on Christmas day?

As it is, MIL wants DH to go up to BIL's house and spend Christmas with them but if I go with them, it means I won't get to see my parents on Christmas day - which ruins the whole point of us flying back for Christmas! And if just DH goes, then we will be apart for Christmas.

This is in Relationships as I'm feeling too delicate for AIBU Grin

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 02/08/2017 09:32

Can you and dh offer to help find a restaurant or hotel for a family Christmas dinner with that side of the family in your home city if MiL doesn't want the responsibility of cooking and hosting?

But I see your point. Really if she chooses to go out of the city for Christmas Day then fine, of course she gets to spend her Christmas with BiL the way she wants and that makes her happy, but that choice means not seeing dh that day. You'll see her other days over Christmas. That's perfectly reasonable.

mmm1234 · 02/08/2017 09:32

Can your parents host it? If they can you could have a go at calling PIL bluff by saying, Oh never mind, we'll stay in home town and come to BIL place on Boxing Day?

The most important thing is to see everyone at some point, and to not have to drive on Christmas Day, IMO. You can't tell PIL that they must host it but you can tell them that you possibly won't dance to their tune :)

happypoobum · 02/08/2017 09:33

Well MIL is fully entitled to spend Christmas wherever she likes, as are you and DH. Do you have DC?

I would make it very clear to DH that you are spending Christmas in your home city and will not be travelling to BILS.

How long are you home for? Surely it will be possible to see MIL at some point during the trip? Doesn't have to be Christmas Day does it?

Who are you staying with? Are you staying with family or in hotel?

If DH insists he wants to go to BILS then OK you spend a Christmas apart - not the end of the world surely?

Batoutahell · 02/08/2017 09:34

I think it's fine to spend Christmas Day with one set and then Boxing Day with the other set.

Original poster
Snowballs0 · 02/08/2017 09:37

I will add, MIL will be doing the Christmas day cooking at BIL's house!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 09:37

What do BIL and family want to do? Do they have very small kids so want to stay put in their own house? And what's the usual pattern in your DH's family for hosting Christmas?

mmm's suggestion of calling their bluff is good. Say 'well, we'll do Christmas at my parents then'. Also agree with booking meal out to save the stress of doing that for anyone.

flowery · 02/08/2017 09:39

I think saying if you can't see your parents on actual Christmas Day it will "ruin the whole point of flying back" is a tad over-dramatic. Seeing one set of family on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day is surely perfectly acceptable? Which family is which day is up for negotiation/is the decision of you and DH, but you can't reasonably say that your MIL has to host otherwise she has "ruined" it.

schoolgaterebel · 02/08/2017 09:42

You need to make it very clear to everyone that you will be staying in home town for Christmas (as this was the whole point of you flying back home this year)

They have obviously it considered you and your side of the family, but only thinking of their own family Christmas.

You would really love to see all the family but if PIL choose to go away over Christmas, that won't be possible.

Offer to drive up to BIL on Boxing Day instead.

But you cannot expect MIL to host Christmas, either you rent a holiday cottage big enough to host it yourself or book a restaurant. The invitation should come from her, and it looks like it's not going to, but that's her choice.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2017 09:49

Yes youare being totally unreasonable to think someone should host Christmas if they don't want to. Cooking the meal is only one small part of hosting.

LonginesPrime · 02/08/2017 10:08

I don't think you can make them invite you to their house - you're being invited as a guest so it's not up to you.

I wouldn't place too much weight on the actual date though - regardless of the living abroad aspect, plenty of people who have different sets of parents (including children of separated parents) spend Christmas Day with one set and Boxing Day with another.

After four years, I would just focus on the fact you'll be able to see both families and make the time special with each of them - don't sully the short time you have with this issue.

llangennith · 02/08/2017 10:17

I wouldn't have thought twice about wanting to spend Christmas with my own mother and family, and my husband, after 4 years away. Make it clear that Christmas will be at your hometown and they're all welcome but if they want to spend it at BIL's then you'll see them another day.

Original poster
Snowballs0 · 02/08/2017 10:40

The thing is that I want to spend Christmas with my own parents, my mum is not in the best of health and you sadly never know if this is your last time when you're an expat.

DH understands this but, understandably, would like to see his own parents too on Christmas Day. And neither of us are enthused about the idea of being away from each other on Christmas Day!!

I get what people are saying about "you can see them at another point during the holiday" but Christmas Day itself is special.

So right now we're looking at at morning with one, 2.5 hour journey and evening with another? It just seems ridiculous.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 02/08/2017 10:59

It's not reasonable to expect you and dh to spend the day apart, or that you sacrifice Christmas day with your parents if that's special to you and something you really want to do.

You have two options that I can see really. One is to say to MiL if her plans for Christmas day mean she'll be out of town that day then sadly you won't be able to see her on Christmas day. If she's sad or upset about that, so be it, she can't have her cake and eat it too. If seeing dh on Christmas day is her priority then her plans need to be to based around being in town on Christmas day. (restaurants etc if she'd rather not host.)

The other is that 5 hours of your Christmas day will be spent on the road.

DownTownAbbey · 02/08/2017 10:59

Clearly you can't have the exact Christmas you want. If you've explained the situation with wanting to see your ill parents on Christmas day for the first time in four years and MIL doesn't want to facilitate that then you know you're not important enough in her eyes to be considered.

Does she usually host at her house? If so I'd be hurt at the change in venue given the circumstances.

Personally I'd have Christmas with my own family. DH could go where he felt compelled to. I see no reason why you should miss a rare family Christmas. What if it really was your last opportunity?

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 11:01

Have you spoken to your BIL about this?

dustarr73 · 02/08/2017 11:09

Can you not host at your Mils house and invite everybody.

Otherwise just spend it at your parents.Mil has made it clear where she'll be.And there's no way I'd be driving anywhere Christmas Day.

Tofutti · 02/08/2017 11:11

Sounds like MIL has deliberately engineered this, if she's cooking at BIL's?

Could you and DH offer to help her cook Christmassy dinner at hers?

GreenTulips · 02/08/2017 11:13

Where are you staying?
When are the PIL leaving for BILs?

I think I'd prefer to stay local so you can see friends as well -

Not fun when it's a long way home

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/08/2017 11:14

Clearly you can't have the exact Christmas you want. If you've explained the situation with wanting to see your ill parents on Christmas day for the first time in four years and MIL doesn't want to facilitate that then you know you're not important enough in her eyes to be considered.

You can't dictate to others what they should or shouldn't facilitate!

It isn't the OPs house to decide who cooks and who comes.

Nothing to do with 'not being important'

Noregretsatall · 02/08/2017 11:28

So right now we're looking at at morning with one, 2.5 hour journey and evening with another? It just seems ridiculous.

It IS ridiculous. Which is why you need to choose if you want to spend Xmas together, spend Xmas day together with one set of parents and drive the next day to the other set. You can't have your cake and eat it too. A little bit of compromise won't go amiss.

Popchyk · 02/08/2017 11:29

I have family members who live abroad. Our view is that they generally don't want to be rushing around, having travelled so far in the first place.

We tend to try to accommodate them as much as possible. So everyone in the same country will travel to where they are based, thus making sure that the expat family members can take it a bit easier during their stay. A 4-hour drive is nothing compared to a 22 hour flight.

It is important to acknowledge the effort and the expense that they have made in travelling to see you in the first place. If they were then made to travel around seeing everyone, then I suspect they'd think twice about flying back to see us the next time.

SafeToCross · 02/08/2017 11:40

Tactically your DH needs to suss out what BIL thinks, and try to get him on side, then talk to MIL. He needs to state, well, as Snowball's Mum is in poor health, of course we need to priorotise seeing her on Christmas day this year. Ideally we want to see all of you that day, of course, but the travelling means we won't be able to do it the same day. When will you be able to fit us in apart from on Christmas day?

mumof06darlings · 02/08/2017 11:47

Is there a reason why bil can't travel down and that's why mil is going up there?

ImperialBlether · 02/08/2017 11:47

Just say to your MIL, "Oh okay, we'll see you another day." Then wait. She'll backtrack, don't worry.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/08/2017 11:52

Is there a reason why bil can't travel down and that's why mil is going up there?

Maybe he or someone in his family is working around Christmas.

Whilst it's nice that you are coming home for the first time in 4 years, you can't dictate what people do when you come home.