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Original poster

To think MIL should host Christmas at her house?

60 replies

Snowballs0 · 02/08/2017 09:26

DH and I live abroad. We are coming back to the UK this Christmas to see family and friends. We have been away for 4 years. DH's family and my family live in the same city.

DH's little brother and his family live a 2.5 hour drive away from our city, yet MIL wants to go to BIL's house for Christmas this year.

I think that PIL should host Christmas in our home city (and BIL's family to come down and stay with them) as that way, everyone gets to see everyone, and DH and I can spend time with both our sets of parents on Christmas day?

As it is, MIL wants DH to go up to BIL's house and spend Christmas with them but if I go with them, it means I won't get to see my parents on Christmas day - which ruins the whole point of us flying back for Christmas! And if just DH goes, then we will be apart for Christmas.

This is in Relationships as I'm feeling too delicate for AIBU Grin

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/08/2017 11:53

DH's family and my family live in the same city.... DH's little brother and his family live a 2.5 hour drive away from our city, yet MIL wants to go to BIL's house for Christmas this year.

I would tell DH you are happy to see BIL and family on 24th or 26th but you are going to visit your parents on Christmas Day with no extra driving around.

ShelaghTurner · 02/08/2017 11:58

If your mother isn’t well then she takes priority in my view. And I’m sure your DH understands that. I would just tell them that you’ll be spending the day itself with your family and will see them on Boxing Day. Anyone who can’t see why you would want to spend it with your poorly mother isn’t worth worrying about.

Donttouchthethings · 02/08/2017 12:04

Do you normally alternate? In which case, whose turn is it?

Given your mum's poorly, I would try to explain things and see if you can negotiate. Get your dh to speak to his db and get his understanding first. Then, he can speak to his mum.

I've got say that in this situation, (if mil's plans were set) my dp would be prioritising being with me on Christmas Day. I would then be encouraging him to Skype them on Christmas Day and arrange something else with his family for say, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or a weekend beforehand.

honeysucklejasmine · 02/08/2017 12:12

Are you actually invited to BIL's house too?

happypoobum · 02/08/2017 12:19

Why can't you be apart from DH on Christmas Day? If your DM is unwell I would have thought it would be really nice to just spend it with them and let him spend the day with his DM?

Is there a missing backstory re MIL? Either she doesn't like you and is deliberately causing mischief, or she isn't fussed about seeing DH.

No way would I spend all that time driving on Christmas Day. Just do what you want to do and stop worrying about what others do.

Donttouchthethings · 02/08/2017 12:35

Lots of talk of mil. Where does fil figure in all this?

SeaCabbage · 02/08/2017 12:46

Have you asked your mil to host? Told her about the logistics etc?

Find out her worries and see if you can address them.

BackforGood · 02/08/2017 12:48

I too think you are being a bit OTT re having to spend time specifically on Christmas day itself, but, if for some reason it is important to you, then I'd do as others have suggested and say "oh, that's a shame that we won't see you on Christmas day then as we specifically have chosen to come home at Christmas to spend time with both families on Christmas day, but if you'll be away then, we'll make a date to spend a lovely day with you afterwards / before... which day suits you?"

I wouldn't try to spend the time with your Mum and then drive a long distance to get there in the early evening.

FuckYouLinda · 02/08/2017 13:40

If she's anything like DM, she has this weird fascination of having us all under one roof and that might be what's driving it.

I did the split-day the first year I had my baby. Never again. 2 hrs in a car on icy dangerous roads.

So now I stay in my own house, and people can come to me instead.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2017 15:20

After hosting Xmas for 30 years I'd be thrilled to have DS and LDiL (Lovely DiL) ask to host, but NOT if I have to do the cooking! If I have to cook I'd rather do it in my own kitchen, thank you very much!

Can you say why you think MiL is so hot set on going to BiL's? Does he live somewhere spectacular? Have the recently had a baby? Has his wife put her foot down on having to spend every Xmas at MiL's?

livefornaps · 02/08/2017 15:29

Prioritize your mum and everything else will fall into place.

And relax. It sounds like you're winding yourself up and getting bitter about invites which aren't forthcoming. You're not going to be able to do both families on one day: that's the case for loads of people. Accept it. You want to see your mum that day. Okay, that's what you're doing. The rest you can build around that. Your mum will be thrilled to see you.

Don't hold a candle for things that aren't going to happen. Focus on what is do-able.

rollonthesummer · 02/08/2017 15:37

If your mum is ill, go there. Tell mil you would have loved to have seen her on Xmas day but it's too far to travel. My DH would totally back me on that one. Then arrange to see her on Boxing Day.

Does your BIL actually want to host? Does he want to have you there too?

BeyondThePage · 02/08/2017 15:42

It is August, stuff changes. You need to negotiate with your DH on what is going to happen. He loves his parents, he loves you, you love your parents, you love him. Y

ou need to work this out - if you prioritize your mum and he prioritizes his, what are you going to do.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 02/08/2017 15:49

"Thanks for the lovely invite, but my mum is not well and I need to be there for her on Christmas day. When are you back from BILs? We could have a second Xmas with you then."

Roystonv · 02/08/2017 15:57

Sorry going against the tide here but I think it very rude of mil to disappear to another town when you have come to see everyone on one important day in the calendar when you have been away a long time. I assume this visit was planned with everyone in the know and it has not just been sprung on them. Christmas is important as a day, it is important that you are not apart on that day and it is only right that you want everyone together on that day. She can see bil at any time. Very weird, can only suggest you lay on the charm and say you are so looking forward to see her, won't be the same without her etc. and could she reconsider.

happypoobum · 02/08/2017 16:00

We don't know who arranged first, OP, or BIL/MIL.

It all seems like a big fuss to me. OP goes to her DMs, end of problem. If MIL was bothered she would stay home. She may be perfectly happy seeing OP and her DH when she gets back from BILS.

TheHumanRace · 02/08/2017 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigeondujour · 02/08/2017 16:25

Sorry going against the tide here but I think it very rude of mil to disappear to another town when you have come to see everyone on one important day in the calendar when you have been away a long time.

I agree. Sounds like deliberate meanness or like she's/they're wanting to force your DH into picking a side or something. Are they upset about you living away or something?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/08/2017 16:29

Sorry going against the tide here but I think it very rude of mil to disappear to another town when you have come to see everyone on one important day in the calendar when you have been away a long time.

It is the OPs choice to live overseas.

Perhaps the MIL isn't bothered about seeing them on Christmas Day.

You can't dictate people's diaries to suit you.

MyheartbelongstoG · 02/08/2017 16:33

So you want your mil to host to suit you?

Entitled much.

I'd ask your parents to host.

PearlyPinkNails · 02/08/2017 16:35

Tell your MIL you're staying in your home town for Christmas Day but hope to see them another day.

TheHumanRace · 02/08/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigeondujour · 02/08/2017 16:36

The MIL wants her son who's already travelled from overseas to travel on Christmas Day to suit her, though?

TheHumanRace · 02/08/2017 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigeondujour · 02/08/2017 17:12

Yeah we do. "As it is, MIL wants DH to go up to BIL's house and spend Christmas with them"

You're right that it doesn't mean OP has to do it, but it does mean she isn't really being rude wanting things to suit her.