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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At breaking point because of fiancé's marihuana addiction - what should I do?

58 replies

BBmumma · 01/08/2017 01:53

Hi, my fiancé won't stop using weed (I say 'using' because he now vapes it, which he believes is healthier - despite it often being stronger - and therefore makes it OK). It has been a serious problem for 5 years and I've had enough. No ultimatum works. He's been on a 'once a month' plan for a few months (his idea) but he keeps going to his mum's to vape it. He leaves me almost every evening to bath and put the kids to bed, and comes home late (sometimes falling asleep and arriving back at 1/2 am). I don't know if he's smoking weed every time. I've lost all trust in him and feel that I'm falling out of love with him. He has put on weight because of it, which affects his confidence. It also makes him short tempered. He doesn't smoke near the family home. His addiction is our main issue, and the only reason we argue. When we spend time together as a family in the daytime, we are perfectly happy. I don't want to break up our family, but he knows I can't marry him if he plans to continue. What should I do?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 01/08/2017 01:56

Dont just walk away.
Run. Very fast.
He doesnt want to stop and has chosen his habit above everything else.
Save yourself a load of stress and heartache and leave him.

cocochanel21 · 01/08/2017 02:17

Walk Away.
If you stay your telling him it's ok to carry on as he is.

Howlongtilldinner · 01/08/2017 02:45

I have been in your position OP. My ex 'd'p used cannabis for years, it was his mistress. He went on to use harder drugs, I got rid, I had to protect my children (though he never used/smoked around them) and eventually, I chucked him out.

Best thing I ever did. I have no time for this so called 'soft' drug. It ruins lives.

Get rid OP, the quicker the better.

Good luckFlowers

winglesspegasus · 01/08/2017 03:03

if he cant stop or at least mantain(moderation and less food)
then you dont need him
it only gets worse.

blahdblah · 01/08/2017 03:51

Run a mile. No matter what you think no child is better off living with a junky then without.

LadyWithLapdog · 01/08/2017 04:43

Doesn't he work? How does he manage on so little sleep? Also, does he drive like this? How does he get back from his mum's?

namechangeshame12 · 01/08/2017 04:47

You gotta be kidding me. 5 YEARS?! Run & never look back, you waste your life.

EasterRobin · 01/08/2017 04:52

I have been in your position pre-kids. The cannabis was making my ex volatile and aggressive, so in the end I gave him an ultimatum and left. Sadly addiction doesn't get better by itself.

Guccibelt · 01/08/2017 06:20

Are they his children?

JigglyTuff · 01/08/2017 06:28

Just dump him. There's nothing you can do - he has to be the one to change

prettywhiteguitar · 01/08/2017 06:47

Why enable him to carry on picking and choosing which bits of family life he fancies. Put yourself first and get rid of him, it's not you breaking up your family it's him Flowers

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/08/2017 06:50

It has been a serious problem for 5 years and I've had enough. No ultimatum works.

He's choosing weed over you, family and children.

I think you know where you stand. Now you need to work out what you need to do to keep your marbles.

He won't change.

millsbynight · 01/08/2017 06:57

Stop giving him an ultimatums. He needs to wants to change himself and he will resent you if the urgency for change is coming from you.

Do you have any NA (narcotics anonymous) fellowships near you? It's like AA for drug users. It's a good start to get him to a few meetings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2017 07:14

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something continues to keep you within this car crash of a relationshio so what is it?.

Addicts will lie and lie to themselves and others to keep their addiction going and by being there at all you are propping him up and otherwise enabling him. He won't change but you can certainly change how you react to him. Finishing the relationship altogether would be a good start for you.

Your family unit is already broken by his actions, marrying him will not change anything and will simply have you heading in the direction of the divorce courts.

An ultimatum can only be issued once after which they lose all their power.

Tatiannatomasina · 01/08/2017 07:18

He has clearly made his choice and it isnt you. Are you not worth more than this half hearted shit? By all means sit him down and tell him to choose but i think you know where you stand. Nowhere 😟

Creampastry · 01/08/2017 07:47

So he prioritises everything over you and your kids. Leave the twat. Nothing else has worked, he doesn't care about you that much so when he next goes to his mums, give him a suitcase to take with him.

ShatnersWig · 01/08/2017 07:50

FIVE YEARS??? How the hell have you taken five years to come to this realisation? Why is it so many women are blind to this shit? We very rarely hear of men staying put in shit relationships for years because "I love her". Run away now and do not look back.

Anatidae · 01/08/2017 07:52

Well don't marry him for a start.

I'd leave, or get him to leave would be better. He won't stop and even if you doesn't do it around the kids, the residue is still on his clothes. Grim.

Sorry

ElspethFlashman · 01/08/2017 07:58

You don't seem to realise that when you give people an ultimatum you're demanding they choose.

Well he HAS chosen. The ultimatum worked in that sense, he responded to it and made his choice.

The only thing is that you decided it "didn't work" and you effectively swept it under the carpet.

You have no tools to change him, there's nothing in the world. We are not going to be able to help you find alternatives to leaving a drug addict, because there are none.

grungeneverdied · 01/08/2017 08:06

I smoked daily for years up until my daughter was born 6 years ago, I've maybe done it once or twice on a weekend away since. He doesn't want to quit simple as that. Tell him he stops or you leave, if he doesn't stop you have to actually leave. He'll either get his shit together or you'll see where his priorities are 👍🏻

altiara · 01/08/2017 08:33

Agree with Elspeth - ultimatum's do work, they just haven't had the result you wanted. He choose weed, you chose to ignore. Now 5 years on, he still hadn't changed. Get rid of him with no 'you can come back if...' scenarios. And YOU are not breaking up the family at all, he is Flowers

Ghjklf · 01/08/2017 08:47

Does he work? He sounds immature and selfish. I wouldn't stay with him.

BBmumma · 01/08/2017 09:28

This is so true, thank you so much for this perspective! I have always seen my fruitless ultimatums as failed plans - when in fact they were clear answers, it just wasn't the result I wanted.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/08/2017 09:57

Five years?

I'd have been off after five minutes of realising he took drugs and certainly would never want my children around a drug user.

Anatidae · 01/08/2017 10:02

I have always seen my fruitless ultimatums as failed plans - when in fact they were clear answers, it just wasn't the result I wanted.

This is a very brave realisation to come to. Not a comforting one or an easy one, but a powerful one.