At breaking point because of fiancé's marihuana addiction - what should I do?

[BBmumma]

Hi, my fiancé won't stop using weed (I say 'using' because he now vapes it, which he believes is healthier - despite it often being stronger - and therefore makes it OK). It has been a serious problem for 5 years and I've had enough. No ultimatum works. He's been on a 'once a month' plan for a few months (his idea) but he keeps going to his mum's to vape it. He leaves me almost every evening to bath and put the kids to bed, and comes home late (sometimes falling asleep and arriving back at 1/2 am). I don't know if he's smoking weed every time. I've lost all trust in him and feel that I'm falling out of love with him. He has put on weight because of it, which affects his confidence. It also makes him short tempered. He doesn't smoke near the family home. His addiction is our main issue, and the only reason we argue. When we spend time together as a family in the daytime, we are perfectly happy. I don't want to break up our family, but he knows I can't marry him if he plans to continue. What should I do?

Thank you so much for all of your support. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this, so this outlet and your responses have been so refreshing. OH is doing the usual trying to worm his way out of it - naming friend's partners who drink etc, 'because alcohol is a drug'. Unsurprisingly, there is still no offer to stop smoking weed; he's still desperately protecting his priority. I've showed him this threas and he has said the opinions on here are biased - "For bored mums who have no social life", "Most if not all of the people are bored and or bitter", "If you went to a mum's group in Shoteditch, what do you think they would say? It's all perspective", "You can't paint an entire picture on f*cking mums net with one paragraph clearly insinuating I do it every day". He is also concerned that I haven't highlighted the fact that he is a good dad and never misses school or family events, and that he helped to build our house and pays all the bills. He has also faced, and is facing illness and loss in his family. I believe he is being manipulative to try to nornamalise and justify his addiction, and I want to make it clear again just how valuable your opinions are to me, but to paint a fair picture I want to include these points...

Users are grumpy fuckers when they haven't got weed to hand. Eventually life revolves around their addiction. They expect their family to slot in around their addiction. Like he's doing, going off in the evening and leaving you to do the boring family shit whilst he vapes weed. When he is telling you we're bitter and bored, he's actually telling you that if you don't agree to what he's doing you are bitter and bored. He thinks you're jealous of his freedom and you're nagging him and trying to restrict him.

Typical drug user really.

What you do about it is your choice. He's unlikely to change with his attitude to women, you and drugs. So it really sadly leaves the ball back in your court. Can you live with a drug addict who puts his weed first?

The other thing that you haven't mentioned is that weed users are actually very boring to be with. There is next to no conversation. And they usually bang on about how non users aren't open minded etc. It's actually like the real them is not present any more and what you've got left is either someone grumpy because they want weed or someone physically and mentally checked out when they are using.

And the stench is grim.

How reguarly is he using? I don't see an argument to compare with alcohol if it's a daily occurrence, that is an addiction and nobody needs a drug addict in their family.
If it's a few times a month though some people might agree that is recreational and on par with somebody having a few drinks every now again, providing it's not in the family home of course. But you will know all of this best so I guess any advice I can give would be a lot of guess work. What's he like on a day to day basis? And at weekends with the children? Does he do romantic things to show he cares still or has the love totally died? If it's the latter I think you know the answer.

Weed is a drug, if he was on heroin would you stay? It will be scary dumping him but you can do it, he won't stop using and that's money you could be spending on the children etc, cut your losses, a stoned man is neither use nor ornament

An addict will use any justification to maintain their supply and relationship with the substance.

It doesn't matter if he's an Adonis who built you a palace and does the washing up daily. He's an addict. He's prioritising his addict over your family. It doesn't matter if Fenella's husband gets shitfaced daily, that has no bearing on your situation.

Are the opinions on here biased? Yes they probably are because while MN is probably skewed towards a middle class demographic it is predominantly intelligent, supportive women of all classes and sitiations who have in common a feminist bent, and who have a collective bazillion years of this shit.

Talking directly to your H: I'm a mum, I'm not bored. Im a middle class educated professional. Quit the weed, fully, forever, or you are going to lose your family. You're likely still under the influence of it when you drive your children and at work. Doesn't that give you pause? And yes, you are, before you go off on one about how it doesn't affect you and you're totally fine to drive and you'd never yadadayada. I've done work in pharmacokinetics and I know how these things metabolise.

Lecture over, I shall go back to my bored MN existence now. Oh if only I lived in the bustling metropolis of Shoreditch, where the cool kids do weed

He can have weed in his life as much as he likes. Just like you can have alcohol.

What he can't dictate is how much YOU have it in YOUR life. Whether that be by actual use, or just being around it and having someone on it in your home and around your children.

I say this coming from seeing my brother use a lot of weed. But, dinner is always cooked and cleaned away, kids have done their homework and have been put to bed before he even thinks about a joint.

He has made his choice about how much weed he wants in his life. Now it is your turn.

From what I can see here OP is referring to a good father who has always Held down a job but vapes weed a few times a month, not sure this constitutes an addict to the scale of some of the black and white responses that have been posted but it depends on how it is affecting your day to day life I think. Isome responses might be quite harsh on here in my eyes but then again depending on how wrong I have interpreted his usage they could be relevant!

He say it's once a Month but in the op: He leaves me almost every evening to bath and put the kids to bed, and comes home late (sometimes falling asleep and arriving back at 1/2 am

So almost every day. Which means he will almost constantly have it in his system. His clothes will have residue, which his children will be exposed to.

If he is such a good father, why is he going out almost every evening (presumably having been out at work all day) leaving op to do bath and bedtime? Sounds like a mostly absent father to me.

Thank you for your responses. Honestly, I have no idea how much he is vaping at the moment because often I am asleep when he gets home. I know it has been at least twice in the past week, because that's what he has admitted to. He goes to his mum's house almost every evening at the moment, to support her because she is poorly. He isn't present enough in the evenings at all (has dinner with us, then leaves me to it), but that's a larger issue. When he is here, he's a very good dad and partner - such a shame really. The problem is he can't control the frequency of his 'recreational uses'. Over the years we have been through cycles where he smokes a lot, puts on weight, his energy and mood is affected, we come to breaking point, then he pulls himself out of it. Then 6 months/a year later we go round again. I just can't take another cycle, I'm fed up being the only consistent and reliable parent (in every aspect other than financial). I do hope he takes the time to read these comments, so that he knows his opinion of me as 'high maintenance' are rubbish! He can jog on and find a cool, carefree Shoreditch girl who vapes weed through her arse for all I care, and I'll concentrate on raising my kids without this hazy cloud hanging over my head. Thanks again everyone!

Hi BB. I have a friend in same boat, two wives have booted him (so far), says the same things about being the free and true one, people who don't or complain are mean spirited, it's the same as alcohol yadda yadda yadda. He behaves like a teenager, with the same level of intellect in his arguments and belief that the world should change to his tune. His girls love him to bits - and that's one of the reasons I still see so much of him because they have to come and stay with me when things are particularly chaotic.

Under it all he's an interesting, clever and kind man. But overlaying all of that is that he's an addict and he puts that first. I feel for you, I really do.

Sorry for playing devils advocate but your posts are slightly confusing in that you say he goes to his mums because she is poorly? How poorly? Do you believe him? This seems very relevant to him being there especially if his usage is only a few times a month and paints a slightly different picture to the one I think many people replying here are imagining.

When you say "he has dinner with us then leaves me to it" does he cook dinner? Just wondering where this "great dad" evidence comes from because as a previous poster has said, he seems more absent.

Bottom line here is that he has chosen the drugs. He doesn't respect your feelings or opinions on that and is frankly telling you to get over it. You are free to make your choice but there's nothing else you can do to change him. There's an AA and NA mantra which might help you here: "I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it".

You need to step away I'm afraid. Let him continue digging until he his his rock bottom and only then might be even consider changing. That will be the beginning of his journey. Not before.

Reading back through and a few points to add:

1. I'm not sure he could be confirmed an addict if it's a few times a month but willing to go with consensus - do a few bottles of cider a month constitute and alcoholic?
2. if he is addicted why is Nobody suggesting any help? Or recovery? Seems to me that you have mentioned losses in your OH's family recently and a sick mother, were they close family members? People often have different crutches and csnnabis is one example, if we were posting here bout somebody who had been through traumatic events and became addicted to prescription drugs or painkillers or such like I think we would be talking about help and recovery.
3. the comments on here are very black and white and also drastic I for one know I'm Not qualified to tell you to end this relationship and would advise tht if you still care eachother at all, which reading between the lines i think you do then both get therapy or get him the proper help he Might or might not need. Some of the responses I have read look very rash and quite harmful to a potentially great fixable relationship. You said yourself great dad and can be great partner I think given the issues mentioned help is required more than anything else or a good sit Down conversation all cards on the table.
   Good luck what ever happens BB really hope this works out for you both.

Hi bb, Agree with missuz, i think you both need to have a chat about what equals addiction, if you aren't comfortable with any type of using then tell him for a final time and if he doesn't agree to never use again consider your options or get him some help! I certainly don't think what you have posted is enough to break up a potentially very happy home especially if, like you say he is going through traumatic family issues at the moment. Good luck Bb hope you can support eachother through this X

Jeez walk away! 5 yrs? He won't change and its obvious you're 2nd to drugs.

BBmumma

It is not down to you as the OP to get him any help at all. The will to get help has to come from him and he alone and it is clear he wants to continue as he is doing. Any familial intervention or coercion (and it will be seen as such by him) rarely if ever works out well because the will to break the addiction is not coming from the addict.

You can only help your own self ultimately by leaving him.

BBmumma,

re your comment:-
When he is here, he's a very good dad and partner - such a shame really. The problem is he can't control the frequency of his 'recreational uses'.

So he is an addict them. And your evidence for him being a good dad and partner is very weak indeed. Infact he is neither if he can and does treat you as well as these children like this. You state that you are their only consistent and reliable parent; that does not stack up at all with your comment about he being a good dad. Also women in poor relationships often write such lies to themselves when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

You've tried ultimatums and those have not worked for the reasons I have already given. What else realistically can you do?. It is more than ok to walk away from this and I question your roles in this dysfunctional relationship too.

I have to look at you and your roles in this dysfunction because you are certainly playing them out. In turn you are setting a poor example of how relationships work to your children; would you want this for them as adults too?. Why is he seemingly more important than they?.

I would think you are codependent when it comes to relationships as well, you keep on putting him above you. Women who solely keep on trying to fix the unfixable through their own conditioning end up doing themselves more emotional harm.

Why is your relationship bar so very low and why have you got into such a cycle in the first place?. What do you get out of this re him?.

...He knows I can't marry him if he plans to continue. What should I do?

There's your answer.

Pay absolutely no attention to the alcohol comparisons. People always, always try to justify problematic cannabis use by yarning on about alcohol (in fact I'm quite surprised nobody on this thread has yet, because that's what usually happens).

The issue here isn't what he's taking per se, albeit obviously cannabis is, technically, illegal so it would be understandable if you objected on that basis. It's the fact that he's a problem user. Which he is.

If your situation was exactly the same except replace all the mentions of weed with drink, it wouldn't be any better would it? If he were going out at bedtime every night to the pub or to drink at his mum's and not getting back until 1am half the time, that would also be completely unacceptable. Despite being legal.

Now whether you want to try and assist him in doing anything about his addiction is your choice, but it won't make you a bad person if you don't. That's not an easy road to walk, believe me. It's also not a relevant consideration at the moment anyway because, based on what you're saying, he doesn't even acknowledge any kind of problem. You can't do it for him.

Get rid of him before he starts on other stronger stuff.
You need to look after yourself and your kids and let him 'vape' into oblivion he isnt worth your time or affection

Walk away. He'll either realise he's made a big mistake and quit or you've made a good decision to leave.

If he isn't present at all in the evenings, and is short tempered and frequently mood affected because of his addiction, he's not that good a dad. The children will pick up on it. If not now, then soon enough. You do when you grow up with an addict for a parent. That's how it is.

I had a relationship with someone with an unhealthy reliance on weed. Looking back I can't believe it lasted two years. He will not stop. My ex still smokes every day seven years on. Get out now!

BBmumma take it from me- he won't stop. I was in the same situation but I married him after he 'stopped' (he didn't he just hid it better) I'm now married with a kid with him and he's smoking and lying about it, at the age of 40!!! He's been smoking since a teen and I've noticed his memory is shocking these days. The last time I caught him out on his lie I gave him an ultimatum, I would divorce him if he did it again.......so I'm now bracing myself to follow through on my word.
Please don't marry him!!!