At breaking point because of fiancé's marihuana addiction - what should I do?

[BBmumma]

Hi, my fiancé won't stop using weed (I say 'using' because he now vapes it, which he believes is healthier - despite it often being stronger - and therefore makes it OK). It has been a serious problem for 5 years and I've had enough. No ultimatum works. He's been on a 'once a month' plan for a few months (his idea) but he keeps going to his mum's to vape it. He leaves me almost every evening to bath and put the kids to bed, and comes home late (sometimes falling asleep and arriving back at 1/2 am). I don't know if he's smoking weed every time. I've lost all trust in him and feel that I'm falling out of love with him. He has put on weight because of it, which affects his confidence. It also makes him short tempered. He doesn't smoke near the family home. His addiction is our main issue, and the only reason we argue. When we spend time together as a family in the daytime, we are perfectly happy. I don't want to break up our family, but he knows I can't marry him if he plans to continue. What should I do?

i could have written this post years ago!

Firstly you can't change him, he will only stop if he wants to stop or if he HAS to stop. My DH was addicted to the horrible stuff for YEARS. I hated it, he would go out with his mates every night and leave me to sort the kids, he would be extremely hard to get out of bed on a morning and be very grumpy when he did eventually get up, it was like being his mum. we would argue every day because I just wanted a husband that would stay at home with me and the kids. I gave ultimatums and he would stop for a few weeks then slowly go back to it. I was depressed and was falling out of love with him, I resented him massively. The thing that stopped it all was a godsend, he started a new job that would involve random drugs testing so he can't do it ever again or risks loosing his job and now he is like a totally different man. He stays in with us every night now, will probably go once a week to see his friends which I don't mind as it's not every week and he's no longer smoking weed. he's helpful with the kids and round the house, he gets up at decent times and in happy moods. We rarely argue anymore and life's good. All the shit behaviour I hated about him was all down to drugs and he sees that now.

It was luck that got this to happen, if it wasn't for the job then he would still be an addict. I honestly think that if your partner doesn't want to change or stop then he won't, he's got to do it for himself. Maybe that might mean you leaving him if it's also making you unhappy. I was ready to leave, and if he hadn't got that job I probably would have done. Looking back I have no idea why I put up with it for so long.

Does he rekognise he has a problem?

If you can't deal with it, you can't deal with it, but I disagree with the majority of the comments here. From your posts I get a picture of someone who is financially responsible, that you get on well with during the day, looks after a sick parent (and is understandably a bit stressed by that).

People are very tolerant of people who smoke cigarettes, yet I know people who become real arses after a couple of hours without a ciggie, getting tetchy, fidgety, and even aggressive. A lot of people who smoke cannot do a full day of work without constant breaks, yet everyone finds having a ciggie break a normal thing, and people are much less judgy. Similarly getting plastered every other weekend or having a drink every evening is not judged. If is just a few times a week, I see it as on par with some of the above in seriousness.

I think the only deal breaker is can you tolerate it. Not whether its an addiction, or how addictted he is, or even how good or not he is as a father when he's not smoking. Just can you live with it? In the same sense some people find living with a messy person no big deal and others find it a deal-breaker.

I sympathise. I could not deal with it. I would not even date a person who smoked cigarettes or vaped. I abhor the smell etc.

Was he using cannabis when you met?

Similarly getting plastered every other weekend or having a drink every evening is not judged.

Yes it is. But even if it weren't, the appropriate comparison would be going out drinking every night, not a few times a week but every night. From bedtime until sometimes 1am and suffering the same mood effects.

The cigarettes point is an interesting comparison, though I think many of us now wouldn't be up for this either. My DH smoked when I met him and now doesn't, and I can't think how I put up with it. But cigarettes are a bit different to alcohol and cannabis in this respect because they're not so mind altering, are they? Or function impairing. I don't think you can smoke nicotine to the point you pass out, or if you did it'd have to be massive amounts, whereas it's relatively easy to do with alcohol.

I really can not believe some of the responses on here. You have described a grieving man who is still caring for a sick parent and who works full time to provide nice things for his family, is a good dad and partner but vapes weed a couple of times a week and the reactions on here are like he smokes crack in your house every day and is a jobless bum. Does he do it in front of the kids? If not I see no massive issue unless like a previous poster has said you just can't stand it, in that case it's your problem. Do you have any vices which he stops? Do you drink? Does he? If it's a personal thing then I think you can ask him to stop doing it anywhere near you and you defonitely have a right to ask him to not visit his mums in the evening so much, but perhaps now isn't such a great time if she is unwell. You will know what you need to do but I had to comment again after reading some of the loaded responses here that seem to based more on personal experience than your own. Good luck X

Says it all that you left out him being entirely absent every evening, staying out til 1am a lot of the time and the mood problems. Some of you attach altogether too much importance to a person having a job.

"Some of you attach altogether too much importance to a person having a job" I do, his choice may affect my life (if he drives my kids on the bus whilst still not fully recovered, or makes a cock-up of my insurance when I ring up etc), of course it matters. It's not just whether he's a good dad and husband. Although when there are kids involved it's not just a family issue.

Yes, obviously having a job matters, except in an agreed sahp situation. It doesn't excuse what the dp here is doing though, or make someone a good parent.

I don't think you need permission to leave him - I wouldn't put up with it in a partner, or any other long term addiction. If you stay with him, you're tacitly condoning his addiction and I'd want to make it clear to my kids I didn't condone the drug addiction.

I've got long term weed addicts in my family, I don't think I've ever seen a really successful, happy long term weed addict. For my family, it's a destructive coping mechanism for mental health issues.