Too much too soon!

[Skyrabbit]

So, my red flag antennas are twitching massively on this one-

Newish guy - 8/9 months in. It was lovely - really like/love him.
Then, he had to move out of the place he was in, and is now fecking 'staying with me' until he can find a new place. It's been 3 weeks. He's looking at somewhere tonight, and quite frankly if he doesn't take it I'm going to be furious.
He's also bringing his dog over to mine for the next 3 weeks, as the people who were looking after it can't have it in the holidays. I don't have a dog. I don't want a dog. It's going to severely curtail what I do with the kids this summer.

All this is presented to me as a fair accompli

Added to that, he took my spare key this morning, then texted to check I didn't mind. And that he's had some spares made.

He is being unreasonable right? It's not me.
I need to have a Big Talk with him don't I?

I strongly suggest that you change your locks - without telling him.

And don't let him have access to the new keys.

I'd still change the locks, just to be on the safe side.

Change the locks. He had spares made and by the look of it you don't know who might have them. It will invalidate your home insurance if anything happens.

The place he saw today that's not available until. September? When in September more like October? Then it'll fall through at the last minute. He's done this before, he's playing you.

If you've explained that the extra keys, your home is for you & your kids he should be mortified & move out tonight. He should do it cheerfully though no puppy dog eyes.

Good for you op. You made a breakthrough by raising a tricky issue (I completely empathise). Despite the worries people have expressed here, trust your gut and what you think is right.
Hope everything works out.

So he's staying till September still?

Yes, is he going to be there through the summer holidays?

You haven't been dating long.

I've recently done a "healthy relationship" course
And we were taught that if someone moves things too quickly i.e. Getting keys cut without your consent !
That is a huge red flag and I would get him to move out ASAP
Have you seen proof this place isn't ready until Sept??
Who advertises somewhere that's not ready for months?!

Do you private rent? If so say your landlord has found out and GET HIM OUT!

Good luck x

Oh dear, I fear once he gets his feet under the table while waiting until September for the new place, he'll be too comfy to move.
He needs to find somewhere in the interim otherwise you'll never get shot of him.
It wouldn't surprise me if he assumed you'd be delighted to have him live with you and this was all a bit planned.

Good luck OP.

The place he's getting is available on Monday - he'd actually seen 2 apparently. So he'll be gone by then.
I don't rent, so no landlord concerns here.
I'm not ending it, but I am taking a big step back emotionally - see how it goes!

and he's accepting that this is my home my kids and my rules now one would have hoped he would've accepted that anyway.

We glad he's got a place. OP did you ask him why he got spare keys cut? Just wondered what his intended use for them was.

Well nor we

Good for you, for having that talk, saying no and having him move out.

I'd still encourage you to change the locks and not mention it. Just to see what if anything happens.

He went to see two places yesterday and one of them was acceptable and available on Monday, but he didn't mention it until your chat?!

Yeah right...

Either way, it's great that he has heard you and is moving on.

Someone I work with, met a man through OLD, shagged on the first date (no pearl clutching judgement from me about that, the only relevance is they DTD at her flat) and he never left. 4 months on, he's still living with her. She doesn't even like him that much anymore.
I reckon he was on dating sites to find somewhere to live, rather than someone to love.

He's talking pure shite.

My ex 'had' to move out of his flatshare and in with me too. Turns out that it was actually his girlfriend he flatshared with and I didn't know until months down the line. I know now I should have walked away when I heard that but I was young and stupid then and he was so nice.

It evolved into an abusive relationship where I was lucky to escape with my life.

Glad you had the chat - be alert for more red flags - there are bound to be some.

emma why is he still there?! Why on earth doesn't she chuck him out?

Well done OP!

@pinkyredrose I don't know why she won't throw him out. I think she feels sorry for him and doesn't want to be the one to make him homeless. I hope her family intervene on her behalf. I certainly would if my daughter or sister ended up with an uninvited lodger.

I've read thru and don't think I've missed it - can you confirm who the keys he got cut were for? I'd be worried he's passing them on to people and I'd come home to an empty house one day. After all, you've not been together that long, you can't really know him properly

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. If you aren't prepared to be your own advocate it is silly to expect others to.

He's moved in and he ain't going anywhere unless you specifically say I don't want you to move in. Everyone has their roles in relationship dynamics and you've chosen doormat.

He's a chancer cheeky fucker and you have difficulties in saying no, what are the chances of this dynamic leaving you the loser in this relationship?