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Original poster

Too much too soon!

97 replies

Skyrabbit · 31/07/2017 14:35

So, my red flag antennas are twitching massively on this one-

Newish guy - 8/9 months in. It was lovely - really like/love him.
Then, he had to move out of the place he was in, and is now fecking 'staying with me' until he can find a new place. It's been 3 weeks. He's looking at somewhere tonight, and quite frankly if he doesn't take it I'm going to be furious.
He's also bringing his dog over to mine for the next 3 weeks, as the people who were looking after it can't have it in the holidays. I don't have a dog. I don't want a dog. It's going to severely curtail what I do with the kids this summer.

All this is presented to me as a fair accompli Angry

Added to that, he took my spare key this morning, then texted to check I didn't mind. And that he's had some spares made.

He is being unreasonable right? It's not me.
I need to have a Big Talk with him don't I? Confused

OP posts:
persephone2013 · 31/07/2017 16:36

Don't let him pay rent. He would become your tenant and have RIGHTS. At the moment he is a guest with no rights.

category12 · 31/07/2017 16:42

Don't ask for rent or more money towards bills, that'll just make it harder to argue why he should leave. Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to stay from tomorrow/end of the week - friends/relatives/bedsit/campsite/who cares.

category12 · 31/07/2017 16:44

Also if you're on any benefits/have single person council tax relief/all that kind of thing, he's putting you at risk of being done for fraud by effectively moving in. Do not let him persuade you to change your claims - he needs to go.

Adora10 · 31/07/2017 16:53

OP, no offence but what man does this, just be careful he doesn't see you as an easy touch and someone he can bunk up with for free, what he has done is beyond normal.

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2017 16:53

Don't understand why he moved in tbh. I rent and I've had times in the past where I've had to move and so I looked for places that would be available from the time I needed then picked one and paid the deposit. You know, like an adult. What was his reasoning for staying with you and why hadn't he sorted somewhere in time? Maybe he fancied a free roof over his head, meals cooked and sex on tap. Not that I'm cynical mind.

FinallyHere · 31/07/2017 16:54

No is a complete sentence.

I know its a MN cliche, but cliches get overworked precisely because they are very, very useful.

Any one of the things you have mentioned, like lost flat, dog, takes keys and checked afterwards, gets spares cut would be a bit of a red flag for me. Taken along with your reluctance to stand up for yourself, your urge to be 'nice' and not rock the boat, I'm afraid for you. Really.

A dog which is going to curtail your children's summer. No, just no. No, it's a very useful word. You really don't need to explain why not, just laugh and say no. Try it. Your life will be a lot better.

persephone2013 · 31/07/2017 16:56

Tell him you are not allowed dogs. Tell him it is a term of your rental agreement.

The dog might be lovely, but its owner sounds ghastly!

Original poster
Skyrabbit · 31/07/2017 17:34

I don't want to charge him rent - I think in his mind, that would mean he could stay! I don't rent myself, so sadly no get out about the dog (other than not wanting the poor thing here!)

I think it's Big Talk time tonight. I think he'll pull the big puppy dog eyes routine tbh or get angry and say what else is he supposed to do. Not my dog/housing problem. He's going to have to actually listen to me.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 31/07/2017 17:37

He would have nowhere to go tonight, and there's no one else can have the dog either.

Why is this your problem?

He now has to reimburse you the cost of a new barrel for the lock seeing as he got spares made [spares!] - who the fuck does that?

AlternativeTentacle · 31/07/2017 17:38

what else is he supposed to do.

Hotels, BNBs, Airbnb, yada yada yada. Not your problem.

category12 · 31/07/2017 17:41

If you have trouble saying no to him, have a supportive friend or family member round (one who agrees with us Smile) to help you stay firm.

Seenoevil · 31/07/2017 17:41

When he text saying he had spares made ... you should of just replied saying 'why?'

Offred · 31/07/2017 17:44

His dog goes in the kennels and he goes in a b&b. The kennel costs will motivate him to find somewhere pretty sharpish.

The bloody cheek of this man!

FinallyHere · 31/07/2017 17:45

Glad you are going to have 'the talk'. Please remember to state your case very simply (practise what you need to say in the minimum number of words) then keep quiet. Let him talk. If he runs out of ideas, or is just repeating excuses, find a phrase like 'what are you going to do about it' to repeat til he works something out. Im sorry, I can't help is another useful one.

Would you still be interested in a relationship, if you could rein him in? If so, all the more reason for insisting at this point. If you let him continue like this, you know it won't work. Hope you work it out OK.

Nellyphants · 31/07/2017 17:46

It's very worrying that you appear a bit afraid of him after 8 months. Why do his needs come before yours?

You didn't know this man a year ago but now his housing is your problem?

Popchyck · 31/07/2017 17:46

If he has nobody who can help him out, that might indicate that he has taken the piss before with family and friends and they are fed up.

He can ask around if he can house-sit for people who are off on holidays at the moment. It is also plenty warm enough for camping. That also solves the dog problem.

SleightOfHand · 31/07/2017 17:46

I'd give him until the end of the week and that's more than he deserves. You being in fear he'll get angry should be enough to end the whole thing tbh.

Adora10 · 31/07/2017 17:48

This gets worse, he will get angry at you for what exactly, not being a fucken walk over.

Honestly OP, tell him straight.

How dare he impose himself and his DOG on you and your kids.

He's taking advantage of you.

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2017 17:49

For a woman without children this is far too early and sneaky. To allow a man you have known for so little to move into your children's home like this is awful.

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2017 17:50

This is your children's home. They will be deeply affected by this.

Loopytiles · 31/07/2017 17:53

"Baby steps" won't cur it. He needs to leave within a few days: if this means he is homeless he needs to seek help from the council. If he decides the relationship is over because you won't accommodate him and his dog for weeks, so be it.

Why would you even consider prioritising him - and his dog! - over your DC and yourself?

Original poster
Skyrabbit · 31/07/2017 18:00

To clarify slightly - I'm not afraid of him, neither is he an angry man. I'm a HUGE people pleaser, and I hate disappointing anyone, however unreasonable they're being - that's my issue to deal with, and the reason I find myself in these types of scenarios Confused. The thought of the conversation we're going to have to have terrifies me. Not because of what he'll do or say, just my own damn anxieties/insecurities.

OP posts:
pompodd · 31/07/2017 18:02

Bloody hell, OP. I'm gobsmacked.

I can't imagine (as a man) ever wanting to have this situation come about in such a new relationship - particularly not given you have children. Unless it really was dire straits I'd move heaven and earth not to have to fall back on a new girlfriend in this way. I'd be mortified and embarrassed that I couldn't get my shit together.

Do get shot of this time-waster pronto. I feel sorry for your kids being inconvenienced in this way or feeling that this is somehow appropriate and that their home can be invaded in this way.

Adora10 · 31/07/2017 18:05

I feel sorry for you OP but honestly, no decent person would even be doing this to make you feel so uncomfortable, be totally different if it was just you but he's giving not a shiny shit for your kids either.

Stop being a people pleaser, be your family pleaser, you barely know this man.

Loopytiles · 31/07/2017 18:10

Not "people pleasing" in this instance, new boyfriend pleasing. Not a hard decision to prioritise your DC.

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