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Original poster

Is it worth even attempting to get a ex back?

92 replies

Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 20:01

That pretty much sums it up.
He ended it with me after 5 months for someone else.
Any point even trying?

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 30/07/2017 20:25

It may not feel like it right now, but I'd say you're the winner here.

Original poster
Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 20:26

I just keep blaming myself ..
Did I not dress good enough for him,look pretty enough for him.
What caused him to be bored of me,what she did to get his attention.
Did he chat her up etc etc

OP posts:
Anonymoususer1938 · 30/07/2017 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theabysswithin · 30/07/2017 20:36

Nope. Even if he was begging you to take him back it would be questionable. As it is he's clearly shown where his affections lie. Why would you put yourself through the torture of trying to get back with someone who has rejected you? At best its almost certainly a waste of your time and in all likelihood it will destroy what's left of your self esteem.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get some self respect.

Original poster
Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 20:57

I knew he liked the women but stupidly ignored red flags and told myself he was clearly into me and wouldn't end the same...

OP posts:
theabysswithin · 30/07/2017 21:02

Nothing wrong with going into something open heartedly and with optimism. But if someone betrays your trust and lets you down you only devalue yourself by trying to win them back. He won't respect you and you will hate yourself.

gamerchick · 30/07/2017 21:06

You're going to do your own head in. It'll be nothing what you're thinking. 5 months is enough time to know if you're a fit for someone and he obviously thought he fitted better with her so went for it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. He's just not the right person for you.

Let it go.

Original poster
Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 21:14

Do you think maybe one of the reasons could of been he lived closer?
He often mentioned the distance being a think especially because he didn't have any transport.
Or maybe he just found her more attractive.
I think I'm fun and I think he must of liked me to even date me at all surely.

OP posts:
Anonymoususer1938 · 30/07/2017 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 30/07/2017 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 21:50

Yeah my pride is really hurt.
I just wish he hadn't of met this other woman

OP posts:
BMW6 · 30/07/2017 21:55

OP - stop it. You are obsessing. Your relationship didn't work out and you may well have had a lucky escape.
It's over. Let it go, for your own sake.

Grooves · 30/07/2017 21:59

Get out this place you're currently in.

I appreciate it hurts and right now I can tell you're hurting but it's not about you. Sometimes some people aren't for you, you may have great times, thought you might have had a future but someone else will come along and you'll think "as if I cried for that loser"

Not every person you date is gunna be "the one"

Don't contact him, you will make yourself look desperate! Be the better person and move on with your head held high and your self worth.

BMW6 · 30/07/2017 21:59

If he hadn't met her there is no reason to suppose you'd have lived happily-ever-after with him!
You weren't the "One". Maybe she isn't either, but it isn't you for sure.

Original poster
Louisarrr · 30/07/2017 22:10

Why did he tell me he thought I was a keeper?
And never felt this way? If that wasn't true.
So cruel to mess with my head like that.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 30/07/2017 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleightOfHand · 30/07/2017 22:27

OP, some things just aren't meant to be.
This was the hardest lesson I had to learn in my life. Getting to the acceptance point isn't easy but it's definitely possible.
Go completely no contact with him, no following on social media or anything. Concentrate on yourself again, your job or a hobby, talk to family or friends for support if you can, or counselling if these feelings don't subside. You deserve much better, you really do. Best wishes.

Grooves · 30/07/2017 22:29

Because people chat shit!

Goodness me, if I held onto everything every guy had ever said and didn't live up to! I'd be a mess!

I'm sure you've said stuff you didn't mean! I've told people I love em when I don't even like em, it's life!

I'm sorry but you're getting way too depressive! If you're young, you've got a lot of learning to do about guys! They're pricks, they chat shit (some) they let you down! You just gotta deal with it, move on! Forget em, date someone else!

annandale · 30/07/2017 22:33

After 5 months?? No. If you're going to be together 5 months should be easy like Sunday morning, not this much of a struggle.

Grooves · 30/07/2017 22:34

Don't get me wrong! I sometimes believe what my partner says but I've dated enough plebs to know they're gunna let you down at some point.

Just take it as a life lesson.

Xxx

theabysswithin · 30/07/2017 22:37

You've got to stop thinking about this as if its a competition which you lost. You'll never know why he "chose" her over you (if indeed he actively chose rather than just moved onto her by inertia). It won't have been a rational reason like that she was prettier or more intelligent or dressed better. Romantic/sexual motivations aren't as clear cut as that.

And who knows why he said you were a keeper. Probably either he genuinely thought that at the time and then changed his mind or he said it to get you into bed. In either scenario, he's a dick and not worth worrying why he said it.

There's no rhyme or reason to it, it just is. Nothing you did or didn't do brought it on and nothing you did or didn't do could have prevented it. You will never get to the bottom of it, even if you ask him (which I don't recommend).

Let's look at the things you do know. You know a) he's not into you. You know b) he's an arse and treated you badly. You know c) that contacting him or chasing him will put him off anyway.

There is no possible way you can win this one. You have two options. You can continue to torture yourself over something you have no control over and which will eat away at your dignity and self-respect. Or you can put as much space between him and you as possible, focus on yourself and eventually the pain will heal and you will move on. In a couple of years you will look back and realise he wasn't worth the headspace. Tying yourself up in knots over what you did or didn't do will drive you mad and prolong the agony.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I've been in your shoes before and long experience has taught me that these men are invariably not worth the heartache. The sooner you cut your losses and get away the better.

GoodLuckTime · 30/07/2017 22:40

Don't do the pick me dance.

Look up the baggage reclaim site and start reading. Get some therapy.

He wants someone else, ergo he is wrong for you. Shady behaviour is also a good reason to walk away.

Also no reason to think she's better than you. She's probably not. They rarely are.

MadMags · 30/07/2017 22:44

Did you say you were with him five months?

Grooves · 30/07/2017 22:45

If he actually left you for her then you defo should be getting some "girl power" songs on and thinking "what a nob"

He's an arse to do that and defo not worth your heartache! Why would you want someone that could do that? Plus, he'll probably do the same to her!

thecatfromjapan · 30/07/2017 22:48

Your self-esteem is far too caught up with this other person. Why have you handed this other person (who has proven themselves to not want the role of being the safe-keeper of your ego,) the power to grant you self-belief and value?

It's madness.

Seriously, this was a short relationship, which didn't become permanent. It wasn't some kind of competition, between you and this other woman -
as to who was the most valuable human being/most desirable woman/most perfect living soul - decided by some Olympian god.

The judgment made was not an edict to be handed down to posterity and all subsequent humans as to how to be the most perfect woman ever.

No. It was just some very ordinary guy, deciding to have a relationship with someone else.

Who knows why? Perhaps it is because she lives closer to him than you. Maybe he bases his decisions about intimate relationships based on how easy they are. Some people do. Some people (other people) would suggest this might not be the best way to choose intimate partners - but it seems to work for some people.

Perhaps she had eyes that reminded him of someone he's profoundly connected to. Maybe he doesn't even realise that. Who knows?

There's a statistic that suggests people tend to settle down with (roughly) the 12th person they've been involved with. 'Choice' in love appears to be as random (partner-wise) and determined (psychology-wise) as that.

It's honestly not worth obsessing about.

So, instead of selecting one random person out there, and trying to telepathically guess what their 'ideal' is, and then trying to (ineffectually) model yourself on that, opt for a little self-love. Work on truly accepting yourself as you are, loving yourself as you are - and then get out there again: looking for someone who loves you as you are.

Seeing relationships as some sort of 'test' whereby you have to 'come up to scratch' and be prepared to change to meet the desires of someone you set up as a judge of what is good or bad in a person (namely you) is a surefire way to ensure you have a lot of bad relationships.