I cheated on my partner with his best friend and just told him

[ivyrose10]

I know I deserve it but I'm coming here just to be called a cunt. I guess Im just reaching out for someone who may have been in the same situation at some point.

My boyfriend and I have a 2 year old daughter, we have a house (mortgage in his name), we've been together just over 3 years and we have the same group of friends.

I haven't been happy and in love with my boyfriend for over a year. He is a good person, a great dad, he is my best friend but I am not in love with him romantically, our relationship happened way too fast.

Rather than working through our problems or just telling him I wasn't happy, after turning to his friend of 14 years (who was also my friend of 5 years) for emotional support one thing led to another and I thought I had feeling for him. I never slept with him but kissed him on several occasions and would secretly talk to him behind my boyfriend's back.

The guilt has been eating away at me for months now and last night I told my boyfriend the truth. He is obviously heartbroken but has said he wants to be with me but I need to make a bit change so he can trust me again.

I honestly don't know if I want to be with him or not. I can't believe what I've done to him and why he hasn't gone completely mad (I assume for our daughters sake maybe).

I have no where to go if we were to break up no family I could stop with and I can't bare the thought of My girl not seeing her dad as often as she does.

I think I cheated because I was confused and this lad showed me attention where my boyfriend didn't. I'm weak and pathetic.

I think we both just want what's best for our daughter but I don't know what the best way to move forward is or what I want.

Has anybody been through similar? I know how out of order I have been, believe it or not it's completely out of character for me. Our friends are hurt that we could do this to him but to my surprise have all been very supportive

Not coming here to be called a cunt*

I don't really know what you are expecting people too say.

You said up thread you aren't in love with him romantically, and you've cheated with somebody who is your partner's best friend. You stay together and what happens next? None of you happy, you cheat again maybe.

You need to split. You arent happy. Carrying on when you dont love him is cruel. In some way worse than what you did with his friend.

You dont love him and his friend is not a friend. You wouldnt have done that if you did.

Staying together would be leading him on. You would need to ditch all the friends unless they decided to ditch his best friend.

Of all the people you could have cheated with you chose his best friend? Why did he have to be the one you turned to?

Think I just wanted to get it off my chest. You're right. Thanks for replying

Just don't drag it out for the poor bloke. If you want to be with him and he still offers that, go for it. But if you don't, please don't drag it out. I've been in that position and it's cruel.

I'm not going to call you a cunt but you know yourself you shouldn't be with him - you're not in love with him.

I think the kindest thing to do would be to separate as amicably as you can. You can't force yourself to fall back in love with him. Split now and let your DD have 2 homes with happy parents. She's young enough to get used to it quite quickly. Your partners friend is a git for doing that (well you both were )

Spartacus- before I starting dating my boyfriend I was actually talking romantically with his best friend but called it off. So I guess there was always something between us, and when I was sad about my relationship with my boyfriend he was just there. He made me feel wanted and attractive and more than just a mum

Why did you tell him? If it was just to assuage your own guilt then I think that's a bit selfish. If it's because actually, deep down, you don't want to be with him but aren't ready to make the split so wanted him to do it, actually I also think that's a bit selfish. I don't really get the logic of telling someone about something that's already ended.

But I'm not really a person who believes in honesty being more important than anything else so I think I'll probably be going against the grain on this one.

Are you trying to behave so badly he dumps you? Then you don't need to make the decision to walk away? But he's not reacted how you expected.

Otherwise why pick his best friend?

I told him because yes I was guilt ridden and I don't think my mental health could have took much more. That probably is selfish. But I also told him because he needed to know why I'd distanced myself, and who he was actually sharing a house with and who his best friend really is.

I'm not going to call you names but my sympathy is reserved for your partner. Not only has he been cheated on, but you've picked one of the worst possible people to cheat with. A double whammy.

You know you aren't in love with him, so do the decent thing and end the relationship. If you are not truly sorry and desperate to repair the damage you've caused, then any relationship between you doesn't stand a chance.

accru

My theory is she told him hoping he would end it. I mean it's a betrayal in the first place cheating but with a best friend is a massive betrayal. A normal person would end it.

It makes it easier for him to "get over" the relationship because OP did something wrong rather than simply telling the truth, that she isn't in love with him anymore.

Would you consider counselling? I think, given that you have a child together, it could be worth this. Not necessarily with the view that you must stay together, but so that you can both explore your relationship and your feelings for each other, and - if you do feel it can't be salvaged - ways to separate.

I'm sorry. You must feel awful, and it's an awful situation to be in. For all of you.

So you turned to a man you used to have a thing for? He used to have a thing for his best mates girlfriend and you both though secret texts and him supporting you was a good idea?

And there is always been something between you.

Alot of this is all about how you feel. How he makes you feel. You fucked over your boyfriend to feel good about yourself, with his best friend?

Look we all fuck up. But for your boyfriend to even consider staying and forgiving you, tells me he has low self esteem.

I also think you quite like the drama of all this (again alot of us have been through that stage). Which is why you tild him. Having 2 men wanting you is giving your ego a stroke.

Ziggy- I wouldn't say I 'picked' his best friend. As I said previously his friend and I sort of had a history and so with feeling how I did in my relationship that rekindled how I felt about his friend at one time. At one point during this whole thing I honestly thought I loved his friend. I see that he was just an escape now. I should add (not that it's an excuse) on the occasions that we kissed (apart from one or two times) I was drunk and he was sober.

Ah so he is worse is he?

You did pick him. You can have chose to cut contact. You could have turned to someone else.

You knew there had always been something between you and chose the best friend.

Were you in love with him before? your post seems to suggest that you were at some point. Did you distance yourself from him before, or only after you got cosy with the friend? Do you work? Can you afford to leave? are you someone who gets easily bored and needs to turn life upside down? How old are you?

Thanks for your replies and input. I think a lot of what you are saying is right. I'm going to end it and hope that we can do it amicably for the sake of our daughter. I've failed her big time and I need to make it right. As far as I know our friends are remaining friends with everyone involved although they've said they're angry they've said were family and so I'm very lucky that they haven't turned their back on me.

I picked up on what you said about feeling like "not just a mum." You also said that your relationship with your partner was rushed, but if I understand correctly you've been with him for five years or so and it's only in the last year that your feelings for him have waned?

I'm slightly surprised at all the posters saying that if you are not "in love" you need to leave your partner, so I wanted to offer an alternative perspective.

I think I would be asking myself questions like - how would I feel if I couldn't be with my DP ever again? do I still love my DP (as opposed to being "in love")? what does the idea of having a physical relationship with my DP make me feel like? is this about my change in identity as a mother? if my DP committed to showing me how much he wants me, would that make me feel better or worse?

If you don't want a physical relationship with your DP for reasons other than your own self-esteem, or a "rut" which you've got into, then absolutely, I think you need to end the relationship.

It was a really horrible thing that you did so it would take a lot of getting over, but by "just" kissing him, perhaps you were holding back?

What you need to answer yourself if you didn't have your dd would you be with your BF if the answer is no then you know your answer. I wish I did this when I had DS with ex I was desperate for it to work and put up with stuff I wouldn't normally because we had DS and I thought I owed him the family unit. It doesn't work you admit that you're not inlove with him and things moved fast.

You know you've done something terrible.

His friend has acted despicably too.

I think you owe it to your boyfriend to let him go. Be honest with him how you feel and how you want him to be a big part of DDs life but you aren't in love with him anymore.

I'm not going to insult you because if you are half decent you will be beating yourself up about it.

You need to give him the chance to find someone who will love him.

Spartacus- you're right, I'm trying to excuse myself and I can't. I did pick him.

Be wary of the friends. People will eventually take sides. Especially if you oartner doesnt want to be around you.

Sorry I cant reply to everyone individually. I think if we didn't have DD then I would have ended it a while ago. We were together a very short time before I fell pregnant (around 5 months) and so for those five months I was very happy, I loved him. Something changed. We're definitely stuck in a rut, I just need to decide whether I should take him up on his offer to try and work through this and stay together or to break it off now to avoid the inevitable.