I cheated on my partner with his best friend and just told him

[ivyrose10]

I know I deserve it but I'm coming here just to be called a cunt. I guess Im just reaching out for someone who may have been in the same situation at some point.

My boyfriend and I have a 2 year old daughter, we have a house (mortgage in his name), we've been together just over 3 years and we have the same group of friends.

I haven't been happy and in love with my boyfriend for over a year. He is a good person, a great dad, he is my best friend but I am not in love with him romantically, our relationship happened way too fast.

Rather than working through our problems or just telling him I wasn't happy, after turning to his friend of 14 years (who was also my friend of 5 years) for emotional support one thing led to another and I thought I had feeling for him. I never slept with him but kissed him on several occasions and would secretly talk to him behind my boyfriend's back.

The guilt has been eating away at me for months now and last night I told my boyfriend the truth. He is obviously heartbroken but has said he wants to be with me but I need to make a bit change so he can trust me again.

I honestly don't know if I want to be with him or not. I can't believe what I've done to him and why he hasn't gone completely mad (I assume for our daughters sake maybe).

I have no where to go if we were to break up no family I could stop with and I can't bare the thought of My girl not seeing her dad as often as she does.

I think I cheated because I was confused and this lad showed me attention where my boyfriend didn't. I'm weak and pathetic.

I think we both just want what's best for our daughter but I don't know what the best way to move forward is or what I want.

Has anybody been through similar? I know how out of order I have been, believe it or not it's completely out of character for me. Our friends are hurt that we could do this to him but to my surprise have all been very supportive

MiniTheMinx- I'm 23. I was in love with him but the honeymoon period wore off quite quickly. I put it down to pregnancy hormones and then DD was born I put it down to being tired. I think I partly distanced myself after having DD but mostly once this affair started up with his friend. The guilt meant I couldn't bring myself to kiss him, or say I love you back. We rarely have sex although I do have a sex drive. I work part time but not enough to get by alone, I have no savings and no family I could stop with for time apart. I'm at my mom's at the moment but have to go home tonight because he has DD.

You can't know a person or be in love with them after just five months and your DD will pay the price for that decision from both of you.

You need to let him find someone who loves him rather than cheats on him and is staying for his house and salary. He deserves better.

It was wrong of you to compromise your husbands friendship to relieve your own guilt.

What has telling him achieved? You are still lying to him as you have not told him your true feelings.

Was telling him not the right thing to do?

Its a difficult one.

It could have been kinder to ditch the other man and either leave your dp or actually commit to working at it. Counselling maybe.

But i also think he deserves to know what his gf and bf are willing to do to him.

Possibly kinder to have just left him.

Also there are the reasons why you told him. I think you told him for you. Not him.

So, if I am reading this right "We were together a very short time before I fell pregnant (around 5 months) and so for those five months I was very happy, I loved him and then you go on to say something changed*

That something seems to have been getting pregnant. You then go on to say that you thought it was tiredness, and in the OP say just a mum

I may not be right, but I can tell you what I think. You are very young, too young, and you rushed into this. Nothing wrong in rushing into a relationship and quickly falling in love, it happens that way, it isn't usually planned! but having a child is something that should be planned. And having a child puts a huge amount of strain on a relationship and it takes a huge toll on us in terms making sacrifices. One of the things we sacrifice is our old sense of self, and a new person seems to emerge...mum. We become just a mum. Lots of women struggle with this. We don't feel young, free, attractive and sexy when we are drowning in baby puke and tired from lack of sleep.

Do I think you owe it to your daughter to try? yes I do. He's made a choice to try. You are young, and if in a few months you really feel it's not working, go. You can't make yourself miserable trying forever, but I can't see what you gain by rushing out the door. Besides, if you deal with your guilt, that same guilt that made it difficult for you to be close to him, you might allow yourself to grow feelings for him again. Your daughter is only two, by the time my first was two I had fallen out of love, wanted to murder, fell in love and thrown pots at their father. Before I had the baby, it was all fabulous.

Whatever you decide, and whatever nasty comments you get here, I wish you well and hope it works out for you.

Could you have PND? I have a feeling that this best friend has taken advantage of you at your most vulnerable.

Your boyfriend sounds like a good man.

MiniTheMinx- thank you so much for taking the time to reply. That post meant a lot and I've taken you're advice. I'm not rushing out the door like I originally thought I should. We've sat down tonight and talked and he's told me what he thinks and how we can move on from this. I already feel so much closer to him again just through being honest and I can actually hug and touch him again without feeling nothing but guilt. It's going to take a while for him to trust me again, but were going to try because we have too much to just give up on. I think you're right in that our life together was rushed and I do find being a mum extremely overwhelming sometimes. But I wouldn't change my daughter for the world and I feel so lucky that she has a dad as good as him.

Apparently the 'best friend', in my partners words, wasn't even man enough to apologise to him. And he also commented on how he treats women like pieces of meat. I do feel like I have been slightly taken advantage of, I have been confused for a long time but tonight I'm seeing with clarity. Sorry for such a long post. Anyway, thank you everyone, I really have taken all your comments on board.

You should not leave you DH, he sounds lovely, but you do need counseling in order to feel happier in your skin, with your life - only you. It seems that you constantly seek attention and that implies deeper issues.

It's not PND or anything like that. It's cheating.
If we're to be consistent, then I hope he kicks you out. That's what we advise the other women when the man cheats, especially with young children.

Do you genuinely want two young kids to have their mother forcibly ejected from the family home over a few kisses?

This might seem like a side issue, but if you've got a child together and live together then why is the mortgage not in both of your names?

Op you are not a piece of meat.

Stip shifting blame. You turned to the best friend. You had an active part in this. You come across as though life just happens to you. You seem to forget you have an active part in your life.

Stop looking for ways to blame the other man. You are responsible for your own part in it.

You and your dp have been friends with this man for years and seemingly ok with how he treats women up til now.

I dont think the OP should be thrown out. But i also think that a child growing up in a home where the mother gets bored and goes out and cheats isnt great either. So whatever happens, it needs to stop. Op needs to shit or get off the pot, so to speak.

If she is becomes unhappy again, then she splits with Dp. Not cheats.

I do feel like I have been slightly taken advantage of

My arse. You have NOT been taken advantage of. I see the way you seized on that to make yourself feel better. Bollocks. Own it: you turned to his friend knowing him, you chose to cheat and you then chose to tell your partner, knowing it would devastate him because hey, YOUR mental health was suffering.

Playing the PND card in this situation is really, really distasteful. And it ain't fooling anyone.

If you want to stay, beg forgiveness. And fucking MEAN IT.

Why is it presumed OP that you would take your DD if you left?

I wondered that as well tissuesoft, the dad has a house for his dd, has a full time job and is a good dad yet op will take her daughter and her dad will see her much less. All after op has cheated on him with his best friend.

Got to feel bad for the man. Op do not string him along, it's cruel. You obviously do not love, care or respect him or you never would have gone and cheated with his best friend of all people.

Don't hurt him worse now.

I think you need to end this relationship, as sad as that might be.

I found myself in a similar situation with my ex. Thankfully no children involved but we were engaged and brought a house together. In a nutshell I had my head 'turned' by another man. My life with my ex was stressful (very busy job and studying and large mortgage etc...) and felt partially like I had found some kind of soul mate in the man, that we were destined to be together and partly like he was just an escape from all the commitments I had. I felt I couldn't see the wood from the trees or untangle what was making me so miserable and what I should do. Ultimately my ex found out. We ended up staying together and then he ended it a year later, as he couldn't get past it.

I acted like an utter arse. I was selfish and awful. My ex was a tosser, but I shouldn't have done what I did. With hindsight I can tell you, I absolutely got into and continued the situation because I was unhappy in my relationship. I was trying to force something that wasn't right and never had been (for my own very deep rooted reasons). I suppressed all my unhappiness and it came out eventually with me acting like a complete twat. Heed my mistake, don't prolong things. Take responsibility for the mess you have made, for all your sakes. You can't change what you've done but you need to be honest with yourself now.

For comparison my relationship with my DH has been quick, and seems to be constantly in the midst of stressful life events, such as bereavements. We have a 15 month old, a mortgage, a car, a dog, we both work long hours and are renovating our house. Some times it's a strain, some times we argue but I NEVER feel like I did back then and I know I would never have my head 'turned' again. That happened because I was in the wrong relationship and I shouldn't have been in it, that's the absolute truth of it. I remember back then trying to understand what had caused me to do this and excuse it away, "I hate my job, if I had a more fulfilling career..." it was all bollocks.

Tissuesosoft and esmeemerlin- if we were to separate, DDs dad would still have to work full time mon-friday. He would still see my daughter as much as possible but I'm not about to leave my daughter in childcare while her dad works. He and I both agree that she is the most important thing, and so he would also agree that being with her mom and seeing her dad as much as possible is the best thing for her.

Bearberry- that's really relatable, thank you

MrsDesireeCarthorse- at no point have I played the PND card.

Don't start painting yourself as a victim.

You're an adult and you chose this, it's not something that happened to you.

As shit as it is having a bunch of strangers lay into you, it's helping me understand the situation so thanks.

Oh dear. Threads like this never end well. I would hazard that the most venomous responses are coming from the ones that may have been cheated on in the past?

A couple of kisses. Yes - it is cheating. Is it the worst thing in the world? No - I really really don't think so. It also sounds like you are massively confused OP.

This site, whilst it can be lovely, does have it's massive downsides and THIS is one of them.

My advice. Take your time. Don't rush into any decisions and just hide this thread. No good will come of it.

Take your time. Think about what is best for you. You were unhappy so you did a bad thing. You're guilty and you've come clean, so that's a start, but you need to think about what was making you unhappy, and wether that has changed or not. Give yourself a timescale to judge if things are better. If you think it's changed and you're happy, stay and be grateful you've got a loving partner who's willing to forgive. If you're still unhappy then leave and build yourself up until you are content - it sounds like you oh would coparent well, and separated parents who work together are no bad thing at all!
My oh and I have both cheated, been separated, taken breaks... and now we're married and very happy. When you're young you're just trying to figure things out (god that's patronising, sorry I don't mean it to be at all) and some relationships take time (mine took 11years to fully settle... now at 13years) that doesn't mean they're not worth that time and all the figuring out! Sometimes they're not so good and they need to end, but it sounds like you'd be friends regardless.
Good luck, and remember your happiness is important. You made a poor decision, but that doesn't define you and you shouldn't be punished endlessly, especially by yourself.

Op you need to stop beating yourself up now. I'm not going to comment on the cheating aspect as I've done that myself, and I too felt unhappy. I ended it and am now in the best place I've ever been.
You can't change what's happened, but you can change what happens next.

I think you know deep down that this relationship is over, and as hard as it may be to end it, you know that it's the best outcome for you all.

You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't spend it with someone who you aren't in love with. It's not fair to you, your dp or your dd.

Take your time and REALLY think about what you want. And then move forward with your life.