Please help me mumsnet

[oldtrees]

I just had sex with DP for the first time in months.

After he went to sleep. I thought of Offred and I cried and cried.

He's a good man, he's pretty fucking amazing as a friend. He's kind, funny and interesting.

But we have no emotional connection. He keeps the vulnerable emotional part of himself hidden away, He's terrified of it I think. He doesn't share himself with me. Consequently our sex is just fucking. It's heart breaking.

He used to ask me what I wanted in bed, when we first got together. If I had a kink He'd be happy to oblige. But I don't have a special kink, I want to feel emotionally connected but you can't ask for that can you?

I want him to open up to me, to be my friend. But I have started to recognise that's never going to happen.

I don't feel strong enough to split my family up.

If I asked to do counselling I know he'd try. But we have no money and no time and no one to look after the kids so I don't know how to make it happen.

What do I do? It's such a mess.

I had relationships with awful men before now It's such a cruel irony, DP is lovely, but emotionally unavailable to me.

My mum is on the spectrum and also emotionally unavailable to me. I love her dearly and I know she can't help it but it really fucked me up. I can't believe my bad luck or stupidity I've ended up with the same kind of rejection in my home right now.

I want this to work but I'm starting to accept that is a fantasy.

DP is depressed and unhappy, but I don't think he'd leave unless I ask him, he's very committed to us as a family.

I don't want to split up, I want it to work. But this is really unhealthy I'm starting to accept maybe it'll never work? Identifying witb Offred after sex is not good is it.

I feel so alone.

What can I do?

Do you think this is about you as a couple or you? Would you both benefit from some counselling? It sounds like you want it to work x

Thanks for the reply. I think we'd really benefit from counselling but we are only just managing to keep our heads above water, there's no money spare for counselling. Or time.

Can you get couples counselling for free?

He keeps the vulnerable emotional part of himself hidden away.

Maybe he just doesn't have one. I spent 12 years trying to tease out my DH's emotional side, but concluded that it just didn't exist. You sound very emotional OP, and it sounds like you want your DP to be the same. But he probably isn't.

You can't make people be things they're not.

You can't make people be things they're not.

Very true.

So where does that leave us? I have a very strong need to feel connected to my life parter. That's not unreasonable - is it?

Do I try and compromise or accept I'll never be happy if that need is unmet?

Leilaniii What happened after 12 years?

You are connected to him in every possible way. What is it that you want from him? I can't work it out - so he, poor chap, is probably struggling a bit. Perhaps you could list exactly what it is you want him to do, then folk on here can comment. "Emotional connection" is far too woolly.

If he never had an emotional or vulnerable side to him when you got together people don't suddenly develop one. If there is one then I guess some counselling or therapy could draw it out.

But sometimes we just realise that whilst we get on really well with someone that being in a partnership doesn't work. Maybe it's time to consider whether you would be happier apart and co-parenting

I want to feel emotionally connected but you can't ask for that can you

Of course you can. In your position, it is essential that you do. Explain to him what you need and how it makes you feel that you don't have that.

Ask him to explain to you what he needs.

Be extremely honest and frighteningly open with each other.

Be extremely honest and frighteningly open with each other.

I've tried. It just ends up in a fight. He doesn't do honesty about his feelings.

One time I really tried, I said you need to open up to me. He'd let me know there was something on his mind. I pushed and promised it's be OK. He admitted He'd never wanted a second child He'd just gone along with the idea as he could see I wanted it but it wasn't what he wanted at all.

He said in the end he was glad we did because he adores DD. I said it was really pleased he shared it with me and I couldn't understand why he didn't and that his feeling matter and he shouldn't be scared to share then with me. He said he'd been scared he'd lose me if he said no more kids. That's not true at all.

Tbh it did shake me up a bit but I didn't let him see that as I was just do pleased He'd shared something about how he feels.

But we were TTC for 8 months! He aspires to be stoic and achieves it mostly. What else is he just going along with? All of it? I have no idea.

My phone keeps autocorrecting he to He with a capital. I know He's a lovely guy but I Don't think He's god or royalty honest - just my phone!

Blossomdeary I wouldn't need someone to spell it out to me. I don't think emotional connection is something you can list or make demands about.

I just get it. I want him to get it too. I know he doesn't. I'm not sure what to do about that.

I just get it. I want him to get it too. I know he doesn't. I'm not sure what to do about that
You can't make him something he isn't. You can only learn to live with him as he is or leave, if he won't work with you to meet your needs.

He trusted you enough to tell you the truth about his feelings about your second child.
But you didn't let him see how much that shook you up.

I get why you didn't, you don't want to shut him down when he finally opens up.

But what more do you want than that level of openness? And when are you going to trust him enough to let him see your honest reaction?

I agree with the PP who says that your term is woolly.

You say your mother wasn't emotionally available - maybe you have created a fantasy of what emotional connection is, and you're measuring him against that?

Sometimes, we just choose the wrong person. Did you ever feel emotionally connected to him? Is it possible that the relationship has just run its course?

I would stop thinking about the feelings and feel about the actions. You want him to be your best friend, and yet the two of you can't even carve out time for counselling.

I know life is busy with young kids... but if you want emotional connection you have to have time together. Don't have sex for now. Make sure he is seeing the GP for his depression. And make TIME together a priority.

oldtrees - I just ended my relationship of two years for pretty much the same reason. I accept responsibility for choosing to be with someone who was very clear about not being able to open up, feeling-wise: I had thought it might be a refreshing change from overly emotive men. I soon realised that I was simply reliving my childhood.

My ex was honest about his unwillingness to feel - that he had made a decision not to. I thought I could live with that. However, what happened was that I noticed the subtle and not so subtle ways that my own emotions were being either denied or silenced. I noticed, too, that we could only go so deeply, sexually; and I realised that at the height of passion he was no longer present, but completely closed off in his own world. That was the most painful thing of all. Once the sexual blush had worn off, I saw how separate we actually are.

This is no-one's fault. We are both different, and I need something more. He doesn't, or is not prepared to change to get it. He is so closed down that he wasn't able even to speak about it. I thought it was healthier that we both find what suits us better as individuals. Luckily we could part on very good terms.

maybe you have created a fantasy of what emotional connection is, and you're measuring him against that?

It's a fair question but no, I have had previous relationships with the level of enotional connection I'm talking about. There were other reasons those didn't work out.

This is the only long term relationship I've had with this issue.

Do you think he could be on the autistic spectrum or have Aspergers? This rings some bells with me.

Even if he is autistic, that doesn't mean he cannot show an emotional connection. I think that is a red herring.

I am autistic with a very happy marriage.

Autism can mean a lack of emotional connection in my experience so a reasonable question IMO - however it's interesting to hear it's not always so.

But DP's not autistic.

Does anyone know if you can get counselling for free?

You don't know that dp does not have asd unless he has been assessed.

OK then, I think it's extremely unlikely that DP is autistic. Apart from this one issue about not sharing his feelings, he doesn't have any typical autistic traits, nor does he have any behaviours similar to autistic members of my family.

I've done a fair bit of research into autism as I suspect DS is on the spectrum. DP doesn't fit what I've learnt about autism at all.

Trees - can I ask - why this is all bubbling up now?
Presumably - your partner has always been this way. And you have two children with him.
So - you've picked him as your partner and the father of your children. So - why now?

On another note - people differ on the level of emotional connection/openness they need from other people. Your needs seem to be hi. His - a lot lower than yours.
It's nothing either of you can change.
Your mother and your experience is significant here, it seems. But - I don't think any amount of 'connection' can change and heal what you didn't get from her. Counselling may help. Not to change him, but help you to live with the past wounds you seem to be carrying around with you.

And your partner - he just seems like he loves you and is down&depressed. I hope he gets better.

Why now? Today, because we had sex and it made me feel really sad.

I carried on having sex with him for ages after the lack of connection started really getting to me. I shouldn't have. I had sex for his pleasure not mine for a while. He has no idea and would be mortified.

But it got to the point I couldn't do it any more. So we stopped having regular sex a while back. About a year ago maybe?

He never talks about it. He's never asked me why even though I know he feels terribly rejected. I've made it clear (I think) that I'd like to talk about it.

We didn't pick each other as life partners. We were in a new relationship and I got pregnant when we had a contraception failure fairly early on in the relationship. We both wanted kids, there was no question of not keeping it. So we gave it a go and it seemed to be going really well at first. He really is lovely, and says he loves me. I thought the emotional connection would come with time. I thought the fact we NEVER argued about anything was a good sign. I didn't realise for ages it was because in fact we didn't talk about anything to do with our relationship or how he feels ever. (We do argue now).

he just seems like he loves you and is down&depressed. I hope he gets better.

That got to me, actually. He is very depressed. Sometimes I wonder if he does love me, I wonder if he's just going along with this as he wants to be with the kids. But this reminded me, maybe he does really love me and is miserable about all of this. Maybe I'm really fucking him up, our relationship is very strained at the moment.

I hope he gets better too. That's ont going to be possible in a fucked up relationship is it? It not doing either of us any god. We need to fix it or split up. I don't want to split up. How can we fix it?.