Please help me mumsnet

[oldtrees]

I just had sex with DP for the first time in months.

After he went to sleep. I thought of Offred and I cried and cried.

He's a good man, he's pretty fucking amazing as a friend. He's kind, funny and interesting.

But we have no emotional connection. He keeps the vulnerable emotional part of himself hidden away, He's terrified of it I think. He doesn't share himself with me. Consequently our sex is just fucking. It's heart breaking.

He used to ask me what I wanted in bed, when we first got together. If I had a kink He'd be happy to oblige. But I don't have a special kink, I want to feel emotionally connected but you can't ask for that can you?

I want him to open up to me, to be my friend. But I have started to recognise that's never going to happen.

I don't feel strong enough to split my family up.

If I asked to do counselling I know he'd try. But we have no money and no time and no one to look after the kids so I don't know how to make it happen.

What do I do? It's such a mess.

I had relationships with awful men before now It's such a cruel irony, DP is lovely, but emotionally unavailable to me.

My mum is on the spectrum and also emotionally unavailable to me. I love her dearly and I know she can't help it but it really fucked me up. I can't believe my bad luck or stupidity I've ended up with the same kind of rejection in my home right now.

I want this to work but I'm starting to accept that is a fantasy.

DP is depressed and unhappy, but I don't think he'd leave unless I ask him, he's very committed to us as a family.

I don't want to split up, I want it to work. But this is really unhealthy I'm starting to accept maybe it'll never work? Identifying witb Offred after sex is not good is it.

I feel so alone.

What can I do?

It sounds like you just don't talk enough

We don't talk at all about our relationship, reflecting on parenting or anything else vaguely rated to feelings unless I instigate and it's rarely productive. DP really doesn't want to talk about this stuff.

oldtrees I just don't look to him for emotional support. He doesn't have it in him to give. But that's fine, in fact it's better to be self-supporting as it can be a drain on other people when you are very needy (just suggesting you are).

My DH is hugely supportive of me in terms of what I want to do with my life, career, he tells me how proud of me he is all the time, he is ultra-reliable and will do anything for us.

He just isn't emotional.

Leilaniii I'm glad you've made it work for you.

FWIW I don't think I am emotionally needy particularly.

I do have a need for emotional connection, but I think that's pretty normal isn't it?

Friends tell me they think I'm emotionally strong for how I've handled difficult situations. I rarely cry at my own life (although I cry ridiculously easily at films, granted!). I'm usually calm in a crisis. I don't need or seek out constant reassurance.

I'm not a needy person. But I want to be able to share my life with my partner, and with that bit missing it feels to me like we're rubbing along together in parallel but not really sharing our lives, if you see what I mean? I don't know how to get past that.

If we're going to fix this I need him to compromise a bit. It can't just be me who bends completely, can I?

Do you ever instigate cuddles and kissing?

No, we only kiss when we have sex. (Apart from quick pecks, I'm not counting those).

DP only initiates anything sensual in bed, as a precursor to sex. We cuddle after sex. If I reciprocate when he kisses me, than either we will be having sex within a matter of minutes or I have to make it clear I'm not in the mood and reject him. He's not pushy. He's never tried to make me feel bad for not having sex with him, but the flip side is he won't initiate a conversation about it either and I know he feels rejected.

We NEVER do kissing or physical affection for its own sake - other than being together on the sofa watching telly or a hug when saying sorry after an argument or somethign like that.

Affection is only a precursor to sex. I want affection for its own sake, but again it's not something I feel I can ask for as you have to want to do it. It feels just plain wrong if forced, it has to be natural, doesn't it?

I really miss affection and closeness. I do wish it came naturally to DP and me as a couple.