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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me mumsnet

54 replies

oldtrees · 29/07/2017 09:03

I just had sex with DP for the first time in months.

After he went to sleep. I thought of Offred and I cried and cried.

He's a good man, he's pretty fucking amazing as a friend. He's kind, funny and interesting.

But we have no emotional connection. He keeps the vulnerable emotional part of himself hidden away, He's terrified of it I think. He doesn't share himself with me. Consequently our sex is just fucking. It's heart breaking.

He used to ask me what I wanted in bed, when we first got together. If I had a kink He'd be happy to oblige. But I don't have a special kink, I want to feel emotionally connected but you can't ask for that can you?

I want him to open up to me, to be my friend. But I have started to recognise that's never going to happen.

I don't feel strong enough to split my family up.

If I asked to do counselling I know he'd try. But we have no money and no time and no one to look after the kids so I don't know how to make it happen.

What do I do? It's such a mess.

I had relationships with awful men before now It's such a cruel irony, DP is lovely, but emotionally unavailable to me.

My mum is on the spectrum and also emotionally unavailable to me. I love her dearly and I know she can't help it but it really fucked me up. I can't believe my bad luck or stupidity I've ended up with the same kind of rejection in my home right now.

I want this to work but I'm starting to accept that is a fantasy.

DP is depressed and unhappy, but I don't think he'd leave unless I ask him, he's very committed to us as a family.

I don't want to split up, I want it to work. But this is really unhealthy I'm starting to accept maybe it'll never work? Identifying witb Offred after sex is not good is it.

I feel so alone.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Happyeverafter73 · 29/07/2017 15:03

Oh oldtrees I feel your pain. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately the emotional connection you're searching for is unlikely to appear if it was never there to begin with.

Josuk · 29/07/2017 15:17

OP - from in my first hand experience with depression - I can tell you that he needs to want to get help and want to get better.
You can not do that for him.

You can only control yourself. And on your side - it does sound like you have a lot of unresolved issues from your relationship with your mom. Which, I don't think you see, as you are only focusing on what's wrong with him.
It is clear from your OP that you are unhappy. You may, or may not, also be depressed in your own right. Only a specialist can figure that out.

And yes - back to choices of each other. You did make choices. You chose to stay together for DC1. You chose to have DC2. You are living together. It is all choices.

For what it's worth - I think you two love each other. You are in a difficult place. And you have different issues/histories that has affected how you give and perceive love. I don't think it's impossible to find a half-way, somehow.
But - and you may not like hearing that - I think it it's require BOTH of you doing some work and changing a bit.

EezerGoode · 29/07/2017 15:25

Same here....I've not had sex with him for 4 months for the reasons you describe,I don't feel close to him.therefore I simply can't have sex.i don't know what the answer is for you....I stopped expecting anything emotional from my dh...he provides for his family.they are his life..he's a good dad..he's not a bad husband just emotionally unavailable..I live with it...I start counselling through my gp next week...perhaps that will help me find some umph to change things...you could try your gp.they offered me counselling,you might get the same.

EezerGoode · 29/07/2017 15:36

Just read the whole thread...I've 2 kids with autism...one completely utterly autistic and the other high functioning...dh is high functioning also..dh dosnt have a single friend in the world,nor does he want one..he gets his quota for company from me and kids..the autism thing is kind of irrelevant in my case anyway because with or with out a lable I'm still living with the same people coping with their issues

sparklybuttired · 29/07/2017 15:58

He maybe just a lot better at managing his emotions that you are and if you are a very emotional person this may make him feel more pressured to keep his emotions in tact. That said if he is depressed and or yous can't tell at all there is an issue there isn't.

Have you asked him to text you or email me I can't discuss sex with my husband so I text him it may help x

Original poster
oldtrees · 29/07/2017 22:42

He maybe just a lot better at managing his emotions that you are and if you are a very emotional person this may make him feel more pressured to keep his emotions in tact.

Again a fair question given what I've said but I don't think so.

I'm not high maintenance, highly strung or an overly emotional person. I think it's pretty normal to want an emotional connection with your partner - isn't it?

I don't think DP is managing his emotions. I think he's squashing them, denying them. I suspect he is scared of them.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 29/07/2017 22:46

Sorry op what is offred?

I am in a similar situation to you Flowers

Original poster
oldtrees · 29/07/2017 22:47

I think it it's require BOTH of you doing some work and changing a bit

I accept that. I also know I have unresolved issues to do with my mum. I know counselling would help.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldtrees · 29/07/2017 23:09

Oh sorry I meant to explain the context of Offred and forgot. She's the main character in A Handmaid's Tale.

It's a dystopian story set in a near future where most people are infertile, and the bonkers Christian extremist government have decided that rich infertile couples can be given Handmaids - fertile women who are forced to bear children for them..The sex happens in a "ceremony" where the Handmaid lies on the bed with her head on the wife's lap and the husband fucks her.

On the TV series (which is excellent) there are close ups of Offred's face as he's fucking her. She's expressionless and wanting to be anywhere but there. It's horrific.

I am NOT saying sex with my DP is like twisted future dystopian sex!

But I am saying that after having sex this morning I cried and the thought of Offred popped into my head. This is not what you should be thinking after sex!

Her face in that scene popped into my head and I identified with the feeling of having sex I didn't really want to.

The difference though is she had no choice and I choose. The guy fucking her doesn't care if she wants to. My DP does. Hers is an extreme set up. Mine is just mundane and something I expect a lot of women do - have sex to please their partner. Not saying it's not fucked up - just trying to be clear that I'm not trying to draw parallels particularly - merely recognising that your subconscious associating your sex with that story in any way isn't good!

I want to have a decent sex life with this man. It started off OK this morning but then lack of emotional intimacy got to me.

DP has no idea because - how would he? He doesn't connect with me so he has no idea how I am feeling. He went straight back to sleep. He cuddled me (about the only time we cuddle) and I cried. He didn't know.

I hope to god DP never sees this. This would hurt his feeling a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldtrees · 29/07/2017 23:20

Zoflorabore Flowers for you too. It's a crappy situation to be in isn't it.

Do you have a plan?

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 30/07/2017 00:23

Offred was raped though, I don't really see how you could compare.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2017 00:39

Can you get couples counselling for free?

I know a place you can, but there will be a waiting list.

PM me if you are interested.

Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 00:56

AndNowItIsSeven I'm not comparing, that was the whole point of my last post.

But my subconscious popped a picture of her into my head after sex that made me sad, and that's fucked up, so I'm talking about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 01:13

SandyY2K I've PMed you.

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 30/07/2017 01:18

Sorry op I read it wrong.

gingergenius · 30/07/2017 02:40

Try writing him a letter x

Leilaniii · 30/07/2017 08:04

OP, sorry for my late reply to your question. After 12 years it finally dawned on me that the reason he couldn't be emotional was because he wasn't an emotional person. It's as simple as that.

That realisation was like a freedom for me: I stopped looking to him for emotional support because I knew he couldn't give it. He's a wonderful husband and will do anything for us so does support me in other ways, just doesn't do the 'touchy feely' stuff. I have become quite self-sufficient and if I need emotional support, I come on here.

I must say, I am a lot happier these days.

Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 08:42

gingergenius I did that aout a year ago. He read it, he was obviously taken aback - he sayd "Wow".

It didn't change anything. It didn't open up channels of comunication. We didn't discuss what was in the letter in any detail.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 30/07/2017 08:48

@oldtrees I'm so sorry to hear that. It's hard when you're with someone you can't connect with emotionally. My exh was the same. Wish I could be more helpful.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 30/07/2017 09:02

Do you ever instigate cuddles and kissing?
You can't change him you can only try talking to him and changing yourself.
I'd say couples counseling would be good so you can talk with another person there.
There probably is free or donation based counseling available in your area. Maybe ask your gp?
I think you need to be more specific with him like when we do that could you do this and that... actual examples rather than saying I need an emotional connection and let him figure out the rest.
Maybe you have done this already.
It sounds like you just don't talk enough. Also I'd reassure him that you don't want to leave him you just want him to open up more. X

ittooshallpass · 30/07/2017 09:14

I really don't know what you mean by emotionally connecting. Can you explain what it is you want/ need?

Your DH sounds similarly confused. He can clearly see you are unhappy - maybe this is what is making him so unhappy/ depressed.

You don't seem to be telling him what you need/ expect. What does being emotionally connected during sex actually mean to you? Have you told him?

Not wanting to cause upset, but I am totally baffled by the thread to be honest. I don't understand what you want your DH to do.

springydaffs · 30/07/2017 09:29

Phew, I thought you meant something awful had happened to Offred the MN poster. (talking of which, I haven't seen her around lately??)

See, I had to stop watching Handmaid's Tale bcs it UTTERLY freaked me out. I mean proper traumatised stuff. I'm surprised any woman can watch it with any degree of equilibrium..

Perhaps watching that horror has affected you more than you realise.

Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 10:16

springydaffs yes maybe you're right.

I studied the Handmaid's Tale at A-level so I'm very familiar with the story, I know (mostly) what to expect from the series so the themes aren't as shocking as I guess they would be if you didn't know what was coming. I do have some of my own baggage from my past though. I've been raped twice, in different circumstsnces. I didn't tell anyone. I just got on with it. I also spent far too long in very dysfunctional relationships and had sex sometimes when I didn't really want to. So it's possible The Handmaid's Tale has dragged up some shit I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 10:19

springydaffs sorry to make you worried about MN Offred! I don't think seen her post anything in ages either - maybe she's namechanged?

OP posts:
Original poster
oldtrees · 30/07/2017 10:25

Leilaniii thanks for the reply, really interesting. I can't imagine not having the desire to connect emotionally with someone I love anymore. Can you switch it off? (Is that healthy?)

Or is it that you still feel the desire to connect but you're OK that it isn't going to be like that?

OP posts: