I don't want my mothers husband to see my baby

[Littlejayx]

Right this is abit of a awkward one to approach with my usually quite argumentative mother.

I have had a beautiful daughter last week and it is the first grandchild for my separated mother and father. My father is married to a lovely quite mumsy lady who has been very supportive throughout my pregnancy

The issue is my mums husband. He is a very big drinker/smoker rather unhygienic and we haven't ever got on due to him moving in with my mother two weeks after meeting online and saying horrible things about my grandparents. He has offered my partner drugs a couple of times and is rather rude.

How do I go about telling my mother I don't want him around?

Literally what you've just said and add on that it's important to you she has a relationship with baby. No point beating around the bush

You could say having the baby around a smoker increases the chances of SIDS so you aren't comfortable having him around the baby.

It's a perfectly reasonable point x

He probably won't be that interested in it.

He's a rude unhygienic smoker but he's also your mum's partner. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want him to babysit unsupervised or smoke near the baby, but has he really been so awful that you don't even want him to set eyes on your baby, with your mum and you present? For the sake of family harmony I personally wouldn't impose a blanket ban on anyone unless they were a danger or threat.

He's expressed a lot of interest in seeing her but i do not feel comfortable having him around her.

It's not just me my 4 brothers and sisters feel the same about him. She understands to a point that he's unhygienic and rude but it's obviously her partner.

It was the drugs thing that pushed my oh over the edge , that was while I was pregnant.

Invite her round and make it clear it's for her only. . Or when you know he can't make it. While she is holding the bundle of joy she will agree the vagrant isn't getting anywhere near!!

I have invited her only and she said I was being mean not asking him to go round.

It's such a hard situation but I honestly don't think I'm being out of order. He smoked around me while I was pregnant and offered my partner drugs while pregnant.

She's asked if he can come around tomorrow even though I said no. I don't want this to start world war 3

If it starts ww3 though, it's not your fault. Stick to your guns op- you need to protect your child.

Read her some stats on smoking and babies. .
Tell her surely she can't agree he is worth risking your dc health for?
If she can't see it she can Skype. .

Sounds like your mother will always put her man first and foremost above anyone else, even her own adult children. That is her choice. You all probably wonder what on earth she saw in him in the first place.

TBH there will be ructions anyway but they have caused all this to happen in the first place.

I agree with your mum, you're being mean - although I can already see I'm likely to be a lone voice!

As long as he doesn't turn up high or smoking a fag, why can't he be in the same room as the baby? What bad thing will happen?

I think the baby is bit of a red herring (congratulations by the way).

If you don't want a rude (and stinky, which is also rude) person in your home, baby or no baby, you have every right to say 'no'.

That could result in falling out with your DM, of course. But it's entirely your choice.

I think a fallout with your mother here will happen anyway because of her denials of what he is like and her insistence on putting him before her own adult children.

BTW what does your father think about your mum and her new man?.

Stick to your guns.

I wouldn't want him around my children either.

Be prepared for her to choose him though. We don't see my mother any more because of her partner; when it came down to it, she chose him over her family (adult children, spouses and grandchildren).

Yanbu

Rainy would you really be happy with someone dirty and smelly and unhygienic being around and touching your baby? That's even before you get to the drugs part!

If so, you've very different standards to me.

Babies are meant to smell like babies not ashtrays. .

Would be devastated if my baby was handed back smelly. .

My dad didn't know the full story until today, he completely agrees and has offered to get involved if needs be, which would cause more drama.

I'm going to just be honest and hope she doesn't take it too badly as our relationship has been strained recently

It's really upsetting as we used to be really really close before all this

Yes, just keeep saying no to her. Ensure she knows she is welcome on her own. She is pushing her luck but if you keep saying no then there's not much she can do. Good luck, he sounds horrible.

He isn't someone I'd want near my child either. Tell her it's final. He is not to see your child.

Stick to your decision. As an adult you are not obliged to like/get on with/accept your mother's new partner. Sounds as though you gave him a fair chance and your reasons for excluding him are entirely valid.

It's not worth the health of your baby. You need to be honest with your mum and she needs to be honest with herself. Baby comes first imo. It's your baby and your entitled to say who you want to be around her, you don't even have to give a reason. How your mother didn't say something when he smoked around you when you were pregnant?! He's already made it clear he's okay with risking your child's health. you,on the other hand, are not.

'If so, you've very different standards to me'

Yes, I suspect I have.

The only thing that would make me forbid a family member from seeing my child would be if they were dangerous or had intentionally offended me or my children personally.

I wouldn't give two hoots whether he was a bit smelly or smoked weed sometimes as long as he had an interest in my child, and would keep her safe.

This man doesn't sound like he fits the mould of naice stepfather or grandfather, but so offensive to suggest that any of that means he isn't fit to be in the same room as op's baby, fully supervised.

It's a moot point because op has made her decision and mn agrees, but I would not insult my mother and her husband for fear of..well, I'm not sure what op fears happening, maybe his uncouth ways will rub off on her pfb?

Perfectly possible to reach a compromise whereby he meets baby and thereafter contact is very minimal and always supervised.

Rainy smoke around a baby isn't keeping her safe? It could actually be very dangerous. I had very bad undiagnosed asthma when I was a baby and doctors said it was very lucky none of my family smoked !

saying horrible things about my grandparents. He has offered my partner drugs a couple of times and is rather rude

I'd be pretty offended if someone said horrible things about my grandparents and offered my partner drugs.