I don't want my mothers husband to see my baby

[Littlejayx]

Right this is abit of a awkward one to approach with my usually quite argumentative mother.

I have had a beautiful daughter last week and it is the first grandchild for my separated mother and father. My father is married to a lovely quite mumsy lady who has been very supportive throughout my pregnancy

The issue is my mums husband. He is a very big drinker/smoker rather unhygienic and we haven't ever got on due to him moving in with my mother two weeks after meeting online and saying horrible things about my grandparents. He has offered my partner drugs a couple of times and is rather rude.

How do I go about telling my mother I don't want him around?

Smoking around the baby would obviously be unreasonable, but I'm assuming that could be made clear.

Saying he can get hold of some, what, cannabis maybe, doesn't mean the baby will grow up drug addled.

And I've probably said rude things about my own grandparents at one time or another.

I don't know why people object so much to a different view. I've raised four children to adulthood. They're well educated, healthy and doing professional jobs. One thing I'm immensely proud of is that they value, respect and can communicate effortlessly with people of all backgrounds. I allowed the dog to lick them, and a smelly alcoholic uncle to hold them, when they were babies.

I do get that everyone disagrees, and that's fine, we all do what we think is best for our own dc.

Just throwing it out there the drugs are not weed, they are much stronger drugs that in my eyes strongly effect someone's actions.

I have spoken to her about this today and she has insulted my partners lovely family who have helped me to no end over the past years.

I tried!

This man moved in with OPs mother two weeks after meeting online. It would make me question OPs mother's overall judgment as well.

Looks like you need to distance yourself from your mother. If she chooses her newish partner over her family that is her choice.
Be aware though that DM will no doubt expect support from you when her relationship goes wrong (which it probably will from what you have said).

Very true rainy
I'm honesty I meant even the smoke on his clothes though. You have to be so careful with little lungs 🙁

If you don't want him about just tell your mother. If she questions it point out that you have a duty of care to your child, and should her husband ever get arrested for drug use, you don't want to be investigated for risking your child. You are protecting your child from a dangerous person and possible repercussions down the line.

One thing I'm immensely proud of is that they value, respect and can communicate effortlessly with people of all backgrounds

Yes, mine are the same but I didn't have to put them at risk to achieve that.

If you don't want to see him then say so. If you give all these silly (and they ARE silly) 'reasons' when the simple and obvious-to-everyone truth is that you don't like him, then you are just opening yourself up to argument. Tell the truth.

JetBoy, it depends on your definition of risk I suppose. Are you suggesting I put my dc at risk in some way?

And what haffiana said.

RainyApril No more than you were suggesting that my children don't value, respect and can't communicate effortlessly with people of all backgrounds

JetBoy, I have no idea what you're on about. I didn't address you. I didn't mean what you seem to think I meant.

I'm torn. I think your main reason is that you just don't like him very much, which is fine but I think there's a big jump between 'I am not happy about leaving my child unattended with this person' and 'they are such a fundamentally dangerous individual that they cannot be in the same room as my child even if I am present and holding my child'.

I question your DM's judgement moving him in that quickly, but do think you're creating unnecesssry drama if you wouldn't meet up for coffee in a smoke free environment with them both. You could even say that due to baby's chest smokers aren't having cuddles.

I wouldn't care whose partner he is, I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my baby....ever! I can't believe he smoked around you when pregnant, was this your house, or your mum's?
Explain to your DM that you want her to have a relationship with your child, but for obvious reasons (which she must see) her partner won't be included.....her choice!

I was the daughter of a heavy smoker, not ideal, but at the same time all us siblings are healthy old age pensioners now.

I've had to be a bit bitchy to my DM about Snelling and smoking around newborn DS.

But he's my DS, and I choose for him not to be around smoke as I was. End of. Her choice to smoke. And smell.

So, your child- your Choice.

But sounds like upsetting your ma is a consequence.

But also, she chose to be with worzel gummage, not you. Her choice.

Your role as a protective mother takes priority over your role as a dutiful daughter.

I really think the smoking thing is a red herring being held up to justify how this man is a legitimate danger.

Surely possible to tell him not to smoke, meet somewhere neutral and say he can't hold baby if he smells of cigarettes?

I can't help but wonder if op's nice mumsy stepmother or best friend were smokers, some concessions would be made.

I understand the dangers of third hand smoke. The toxins can be present even without the smell of smoke. Your midwife or health visitor could be emitting them.

He sounds awful. I would not want him to have a close relationship with my child, or to babysit, but what actual threat does he pose merely clapping eyes on the baby in his mother's arms? Some of the comments here seem hysterical.

It sounds like your mum has made a poor choice but how often do women post here saying they're in love but their adult children don't like him? The advice is generally that Mum deserves happiness. It doesn't sound like her request is unreasonable, to let her husband see the baby.

Mind you, after all this, knowing I wasn't good enough and considered a risk to children, I think my response would be that I didn't want to meet the bloody baby that much anyway.

I'm not surprised she reacted badly. I understand that you and your siblings don't like him but your reasons for not wanting him around your baby seem pretty spurious imo...so he smokes and isn't a fan of a bar of soap and he once offered your partner drugs...but I don't see why any of that makes him a threat to your baby in any meaningful way.
Can you explain what you think will happen if he is there?

"It sounds like your mum has made a poor choice but how often do women post here saying they're in love but their adult children don't like him?"

Sounds like?.

The man moved in with OPs mother just 2 weeks after meeting online. And often as well there is good reason why the adult children do not like the man (as is also the case here). Some women as well will put a need for a man in their lives to be first and foremost their priority. She will continue to put him first hence her asking for him to be present.

Your daughter will always encounter people who smoke or who live with someone who smokes.
I presume he won't bother offering your baby drugs.
His personal hygiene is his business to be frank. Unless he's teeming with fleas or lice, it's of no matter.

You don't like him and to be fair to you he does sound grim...but really you are punishing your mother for choosing him and using your baby as a weapon. She has fought fire with fire.

Attila, yes, as I said, he sounds awful and he wouldn't be my choice for a husband.

But why is he so dangerous that he can't be in the same room as op's baby?

Op doesn't like him - probably with ample justification - but I don't see any risks or dangers.

Attila - why is it relevant how long the ops mother knew her new DH for? Are you suggesting her 'lack of judgement' means that she shouldn't see her grand child?

This man moved in with OPs mother two weeks after meeting her online. I therefore would question the OPs mother's overall judgment.
She is being unreasonable here and she has also now taken to also insulting her DDs partner's family.

I would not want either of them around any child I have either. Family is not binding.

I would stick to your guns and be firm now. We had a similar situation with DH and MILs husband. The issue was that he was kind on the outside (except to close family) and a wife beating arse hole behind closed doors.

It was difficult for DH to make it clear that he didn't want the husband around. He and MIL have a very strained relationship now and she rarely sees DD. But we are both glad we did it. Things will be hard for a while, expect that. But it is worth it to protect your child and show them that you don't endorse him or his illegal habits.

Grandparents don't have automatic access right that over ride the health and mental well being of your child. The same as parents don't.