I don't want my mothers husband to see my baby

[Littlejayx]

Right this is abit of a awkward one to approach with my usually quite argumentative mother.

I have had a beautiful daughter last week and it is the first grandchild for my separated mother and father. My father is married to a lovely quite mumsy lady who has been very supportive throughout my pregnancy

The issue is my mums husband. He is a very big drinker/smoker rather unhygienic and we haven't ever got on due to him moving in with my mother two weeks after meeting online and saying horrible things about my grandparents. He has offered my partner drugs a couple of times and is rather rude.

How do I go about telling my mother I don't want him around?

To be fair the man is not a wife beater, he is a bit smelly, smokes and likes to partake in recreational drugs. Lots of Mumsnetters do the same. No one calls for their children to be taken off them.

OPs DM is an adult who can choose whomever she likes to spend the rest of her life with. She would have no say over her adult children's choice of partner and so I don't see why she should seek their approval on hers.

I agree with others that it's is clear the OP just doesn't like him. The reasons she has given are completely silly. She should just be honest about her feelings instead of using these excuses. She is insulting her partner and her intelligence which has probably resulted in her becoming defensive and then pointing out less than desirable qualities about OPs in laws.

OP has every right not to endorse this man in any way.

I doubt very much that the OPs mother will spend the rest of her life with him; he moving in with her after only two weeks is a recipe for disaster whichever way this is looked at.

Family are not binding and there is no law to state that you should spend any time with unreasonable people be it family or otherwise.

OPs mother is married to him and so I would suspect they are planning to spend the rest of their lives together!

You're right, OP doesn't have to endorse him and has every right not to like him. However her mother doesn't have to seek OPs approval on her partner either.

OP should be honest and just tell her DM that. I think the reasons she has given to never let her child be in the same room as this man are unreasonable and I understand why her mother is upset.

He might have moved in after two weeks but how long have they been together? It could be years, we don't know, and I think marriage usually suggests an expectation of lifelong commitment.

I'm just cringing, to tell someone they're not good enough to meet your baby, let alone a family member, they'll assume it's snobbery because he doesn't fit the family mould.

You're not under any obligation to remain shackled to family but tbh I don't think I could treat anyone that way.

And op's Mum is lashing out at op's pil because she's acutely aware that she's in an unspoken competition and been found wanting.

You don't like him and to be fair to you he does sound grim...but really you are punishing your mother for choosing him and using your baby as a weapon
This.
The OP clearly doesn't like him and may well have reasonable reasons, but whether that justifies the idea that this person is a total danger to her baby in her arms in a neutral smoke free environment is another matter.

The baby is being used here as some point scoring device based on opinions of adult relationships.

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions on this matter. It really has helped.

This is nothing to do with snobbery I assure you, I am very working class compared to the man in question. It is just a case of who I want around my baby.

Maybe is just because I do not like the man or how he has caused a lot of friction and drama in the family as well as the points I've mentioned.

I have been honest with everyone and just want the best for my family.

Also the baby will never be used as a point scoring device. It's not at all like that.

OP You've clearly got good reasons for disliking this man.
I think some of us just struggled to see how he would be a danger in a smoke free neutral environment where you are present (and could justifiably say no cuddles from smokers).

I guess we are urging caution before creating drama/ issues that don't need to happen if meeting in a neutral place is arranged.

Thank you maisy, I really do understand where you are coming from.