Would you want to know if you were cheated on?

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Lots of posts on here lately about should the OP tell that she knows that a persons partner is cheating.

It just got me to thinking - would you want to know?

Or would it depend on the extent?

For example I would rather not bother knowing about a drunken kiss but would very much like to know about a prolonged affair.

Just curious if you'd rather live in ignorance or know.

Question to both men and women.

I wish I had known. I wish someone had told me! I found out after 20 years that my ex had slept with a woman on a weekend away, male friends were there so would have known and may have told their wives (perhaps not though), I was promised it was a one off, never happened before, swore on the kids lives etc etc. 4 years later caught him out again, then found out he hadn't ever been faithful! Had cheated for the last 20 years we were together! At least once with a prostitute, numerous nights out snogging and feeling up randoms, once needed an AIDS test etc. Lots of times he was with male friends so they all knew. According to him they all did the same, although not sure that's true, possibly just deflection on his part. Wish I had known, he is a full on narc. If it wasn't for my DD's I'd wish I'd never met him.

I dunno. I am not sure I would anymore. I am conflicted.

On one hand I want to know if my husband has broken our promises to one another. I would want to know so I can control the situation somewhat, well the outcome.

However, if it was a ONS would I really want to know? I couldn't forgive and move on. I am an obsessive person and I know our marriage could never survive it. If he had a ONS and felt so bad after and he believed he would never do it again then I'm not sure I would gain much from knowing.

Three of my children would have to go through another divorce. The same three children lost their dad to cancer and the thought of them experiencing more upheaval for a one off ONS makes me feel sick for them. Their security after everything they have been through is a top priority for me, like it is for every parent, but life has just settled down for them after their loss of their dad. Their loss contributed to one suffering with poor MH after and he has just got back on his feet. I know me and DH divorcing would trigger that off again at such a fragile time in recovery.

Selfish of me perhaps but our divorce would impact heavily on the career I'm trying to make for myself. Child care would be an issue with my awful shift patterns. No one is going to look after the younger ones whilst I'm doing late nights, sleep ins and full nights. I love my job. I don't imagine it will be much fun raising five children on my own.

11 years of happiness, the memories, the life we have built for ourselves all gone for a ONS that he won't repeat?

If it was a long term affair or he had more than ONS or he had one ONS and he didn't give a shit and was likely to do it again then yes. I would want to know.

Omg......my apologies for hijacking your post OP. When I posted a similar post just yesterday regarding whether I should tell the wife of a cheat (serial cheat) or not, I was met with the most horrendous, judgemental, vitriolic comments and a resounding NO.
Seems like you lot make up what you want when you want to suit yourselves.

Yes I'd want to know as it is my life he is wasting and my health may be affected.

Flamming, that is because you didn't just happen to found about the serial cheat as an uninvolved third party, or found out you'd been lied to and inadvertently become the other woman, you knowlingly pursued an affair with a married man on an ongoing basis, and only want to tell his wife (who by all accounts already knows he cheats) for personal revenge.

Quite a different circumstance really.

Flamming I saw that and thought it was bonkers.

Life is not black and white.

Still Serendipity the OP owes the wife nothing. It's strange to say she's as bad as him when she clearly is not.

Surely the circumstances do not actually make a difference and this post pretty much evidences that she WOULD want to know. No-one else is going to do it and I only have his word that he told the wife about the previous cheating.

So why didn't you tell her months ago, when you first found out he was married?

Well for a start I did not know the extent of it and secondly I did not know who she was or any contact info. When we first started communicating I did not even know his surname.

That was kind of a rhetorical question Flamming..... you knew he was married. You still pursued it. Unless you are saying that you pursued a married man purely to check how much of an asshat he was and to find out his wife's contact details and let her know..... which is clearly not the case..... you really have no moral highground here. You carried on a protracted emotional and sexual affair with a married man. You had no concern for his wife when you were fucking him, please don't pretend you have now, you want to throw a grenade into his marriage as revenge for the heartbreak you're feeling. Just leave it now. Stop giving him headspace. Move on.

I honestly don't know if any of my bf's have cheated on me there have been a fair few and I don't care now if any did. I have messed about in relationships but am more of a 'take it to the grave' and live with the guilt person.

If I was in a relationship I don't know whether I would want to know or not, I'd hope my spidey sense would kick in and I'd realise something was up.

when I was younger my view on cheating would be it was an absolute dealbreaker, now I'm not so sure

PS: flamming don't hijack this thread because your other one was taken down!

Ferf
I had the thread taken down myself because I did not want the person to be identified