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Original poster

Would you want to know if you were cheated on?

89 replies

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 27/07/2017 23:00

Lots of posts on here lately about should the OP tell that she knows that a persons partner is cheating.

It just got me to thinking - would you want to know?

Or would it depend on the extent?

For example I would rather not bother knowing about a drunken kiss but would very much like to know about a prolonged affair.

Just curious if you'd rather live in ignorance or know.

Question to both men and women.

OP posts:
steppemum · 28/07/2017 10:21

I'd want to know.
Always.

I can forgive a lot of things once. (not sure about violence, but possibly, depends on context)
And I do think drunken mistakes happen, and we are human, and I could work through it happening - once.
But any more I would be splitting up, due to the lies surrounding it.

But either way I want to know. I think not knowing creates a space between you, a flaw in your relationship which will eventually then crack.

If you know, that flaw/crack can be repaired.

steppemum · 28/07/2017 10:36

and yes, I would tell if I knew. The worst thing must be to find out everyone else knew and didn't tell you.

likeazebra · 28/07/2017 11:19

Yes I would.

I would want to know everything including emotional relationships then I could make an informed decision on how I feel and what I want to do about it.

Having said that I'm not sure if I'd want to hear it from anyone but DH which by the nature of affairs/relationships etc would mean I wouldn't find out!

I think it's a tricky one.

Original poster
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/07/2017 11:47

My logic is probably bizarre but just seen the two side by side in some relationships I've seen from afar.

I don't think sex with someone else necessary means you disrespect your partner unless you don't confess. That's disrespect to the highest degree.

No TheNaze no drunk kissing here except maybe DH.

It seems to be a very black and white thing on MN whereby real life it seems more shades of gray in that just like violence, insults and other such things people are only human and fuck up.

Whereas an affair is repetitive, premeditated etc a kiss is not and can be a mistake which is why I used it as an example that and I do know a guy this happened to at work Christmas thing.

OP posts:
Kentnurse2015 · 28/07/2017 11:49

I would want to know.

I would like to think I would tell but we had an issue at our wedding where my friend's boyfriend propositioned our best man (gay guy) in the men's toilets. We weren't sure what to do but in the end didn't say anything.

BillBrysonsBeard · 28/07/2017 13:12

I would want to know anything and everything and then I can go from there.

WinchestersInATardis · 28/07/2017 15:57

Fwiw, I find the people saying that MN is fairly judgemental about affairs and that real life is more shades of grey, are almost always the ones doing the cheating and not those being cheated on.

VestalVirgin · 28/07/2017 16:25

I would want to know. It is relevant to safety, for one.

As someone knowing of cheating going on, you won't know if condoms were used at all times; obviously, so cannot decide whether it is a safety risk for the woman being cheated on!

The only problem I see here is that people who are happy in their relationships won't believe you. I wouldn't stay with a man I'd believe would cheat on me on the word of a stranger or acquaintance.

So, if you tell someone who isn't your best friend, you better have proof.

Original poster
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/07/2017 16:38

I'd say more people who haven't experienced cheating at all would say it's shades of gray Winchesters.

As the person being cheated on would obviously be heartbroken and although the cheater would probably feel sorry for themselves they'd probably lose friends / family over it (understandably so).

I think it's those who have no first hand experience feel that way.

I have been cheated on in the past but only as a 15-17 year old. It was more upsetting I didn't feel good enough than the cheating itself.

OP posts:
user1494187262 · 28/07/2017 20:43

I left the H who hit me
I'm still with the one who cheated

AccrualIntentions · 28/07/2017 20:49

Depends. If my husband had sex with a stranger, someone with no connection to our lives, and was careful about ensuring it wouldn't come out to embarrass me or upset our home life then no, I definitely would not want to know. If he so much as kissed a friend, colleague, someone from our everyday life or was careless and indiscreet, then that would be it for me, so I'd want to know then.

2rebecca · 28/07/2017 20:55

It depends on why the person who is desperate to tell me wants to tell me. If a close friend fair enough, if a stranger then no they can keep their nose out of my private life and I probably wouldn't believe them any way. Some people enjoy getting overinvolved in other peoples' lives, look at baby Charlie. Sort your own life out.

formerbabe · 28/07/2017 20:58

I might get flamed for this, but...

I think if something had happened and it was over and done with and he wasn't going to cheat in future then no i wouldn't want to know. I think many people say they'd want to know, but would they really? With all the hurt and upset it would cause. I don't think it's as easy as saying "I'd want to know".

Brahms3rdracket · 28/07/2017 21:04

I totally agree with formerbabe, but fortunately, to my knowledge, I've never been cheated on so can only speculate.

Dullardmullard · 28/07/2017 21:06

Do you know how intimate a kiss is drunken or sober. Well to me it is. You don't just fall onto someone's lips by accident either pissed or otherwise.
I'd want to know regardless and see if my relationship could be saved if not that would be that.

category12 · 28/07/2017 21:08

The thing is, formerbabe, I'm not sure that people can cheat without it affecting the other relationship - we pick up on things. Having experienced the insecurity and crazy-making of suspicion, I wouldn't want to go through that ever again. It was far worse than the knowledge, awful as that was. Maybe if you could guarantee absolutely the other person wouldn't have an inkling, but does that happen?

eirrah · 28/07/2017 21:15

Yep. A kiss, texts, anything. I'd be devastated if I found out months or years later.

LovesPeace · 28/07/2017 21:34

I'd absolutely want to know.

When my ex cheated I knew before I knew IYSWIM, and then went hunting for evidence. He thought he was some sort of stealth sext ninja, and was thus astonished that I could tell, the fool. Grin

i duly found evidence in a secret folder in his computer (he bleated that I'd hacked him, he he) and left within 2 weeks.

The best part was how shocked he was that a. I found out, and b. The speed with which I legged it.

Knowledge is power!

VestalVirgin · 28/07/2017 22:05

I'd say more people who haven't experienced cheating at all would say it's shades of gray

I have never been cheated on, (and before someone tries splitting hair, as I have never been in a relationship I know this 100% sure) and I think it is a pretty black and white issue.

A person who loves you wouldn't cheat on you. A person having the attitude required for cheating would have an impact on the relationship whether you learn about the cheating or not.

diodati · 29/07/2017 04:48

Vestavirgin, I know that's possible to "cheat" on one's spouse/partner while loving them. There are so many reasons for infidelity and not all of them are unforgivable. Or at least they shouldn't be.

WhiskeySourpuss · 29/07/2017 07:30

Vesta with all due respect relationships are not black & white... whether that be a committed, emotionally or physically abusive, or a monogamous relationship or indeed an affair.

I've never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on (that I'm aware of) however I have told a wife that her husband was cheating on her - I didn't set out to purposely tell her but she asked & I wouldn't lie... something that my brother was well aware of as soon as I found out about the affair.

She took him back... he did it again... she took him back again... he eventually left her supposedly because he wasn't happy but he moved in with the new g/f within 2 months... the new g/f now doesn't let him out of her sight - make of that what you will.

user1494187262 · 29/07/2017 07:48

VV - "I have never been cheated on, (and before someone tries splitting hair, as I have never been in a relationship I know this 100% sure)"

I'm not sure this puts you in a particularly strong position to comment really.

Teddy7878 · 29/07/2017 07:55

I would definitely want to know even if it was just a kiss.
I'd want to understand why my partner would be putting himself in a situation where he's that out of control that he can't help but kiss and get intimate with another woman. we don't really drink so he wouldn't be able to use the excuse that he was drunk and can't remember it

ImogenTubbs · 29/07/2017 08:05

I would want to know, but when people agonise over telling someone that their partner is cheating on them, I think they are also worrying about whether they will be believed and harm their own relationship with the person. If you 100% trust your partner and a friend starts giving you unsubstantiated stories - what do you do?

RebelandaStunner · 29/07/2017 08:17

Yes I would want to know. With details.
I would tell a friend or family member.
If I ever found out DH was cheating, he'd be booted out and I would expect the same.
Faithfulness and respect are part of the deal.

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