Would you want to know if you were cheated on?

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Lots of posts on here lately about should the OP tell that she knows that a persons partner is cheating.

It just got me to thinking - would you want to know?

Or would it depend on the extent?

For example I would rather not bother knowing about a drunken kiss but would very much like to know about a prolonged affair.

Just curious if you'd rather live in ignorance or know.

Question to both men and women.

I am sure someone knew about my H cheating. I wish I knew instead of living in ignorance for 5 years. I now have little time for the 'friends' who I believed enabled him.

Even the pizza shop lady, where we used to go knew. (Gossip)

I'd want to know whatever it was. I knew of people cheating on their partners when I was a lot younger when my opinion was different and very much "it's not my place to say/ruin someone's life" but that has changed as I've got older.

I could forgive a drunken kiss but I'd want to question my DH as to why he didn't tell me first. If there was something I could not forgive, it'd be the fact my DH didn't tell me about whatever he'd done. If he admitted kissing someone to me himself, I'd find it easier to accept. Having sex with someone else? He'd find his stuff in bin bags outside, locks changed and there would no discussion about it or how our relationship will continue/could be fixed. I wouldn't need his reasons or excuses, it'd be a sharp bye bye from me. I found out a friend cheated on her partner when he told me whilst drunk but he'd forgiven her, never mentioned it again except to me (he assumed I knew, as her friend) and she did it 4 more times. In my opinion, you set the standards for what you accept when you choose to forgive people for certain things, you enable them to hurt you.

OP, relationships are about love, RESPECT, trust and communication. A drunken kiss for me is a very good reason to leave. Sorry.

I'd like to say I'd want to know, but one of my friends was cheated on by his gf at the time when she was on holiday. She came home and told him immediately, was genuinely sorry and just wanted it out in the open. He always said he wishes she hadn't told him in the end as it was a one off "mistake" and he'd have never found out. I don't know whether it would have happened again but it always got me thinking, if you're genuinely sorry and KNOW you'll never do it again / your DP doesn't know OP and would never find out, is it worth telling?

"He always said he wishes she hadn't told him in the end as it was a one off "mistake" and he'd have never found out"

Yes - I've known a couple of cases like that in my friendship circle. I think it really depends on the person, although I suspect that more people would like to know than not. Slightly differently, a friend's bf once confessed to her that a colleague had made a pass at him and that, whilst he rejected the pass, he'd been tempted for a moment because he was physically attracted to the other girl. I personally thought he was a selfish arse for telling her that last part - I don't know whether he said it because he felt guilty about having committed the thoughtcrime of fancying another girl, or because he had some high-minded ideal about confessing every damn thing in a relationship, but it made my friend feel shitty for a while. To be fair, they were both very young at the time.

Delurker - yes that last comment was totally unnecessary of him, that was bound to upset her. I'd be more hurt by that, despite the honesty.

I think that it's a strange comparison for you to bring up. But women who stay through violence at least can believe he loves them, it's the intensity of his emotions, or that they drove him to it, "no-one will ever love you like I do", or his terrible past, etc, that made him violent. He might be a monster, but he's her monster. Finding out he's also a cheat can be the final straw because it strips away some of that.

I would want to know because suspecting and being lied to makes you feel like you're going mad.

It depends on who is telling me tbh. I think if I was told by another person of whom I didn't really know (the person only knows of me via the cheating partner for example) then I'd feel very foolish that it's got to the point an almost stranger is having to tell me, and I'd wonder why they are telling me when they don't know me enough to care; for example I'd wonder if they only told me to spite the cheat due to a falling out.

If I was told by someone who is close to me (a friend/family member) then I'd be grateful because I know they're telling me as they have my best interests at heart. I'd also feel massively hurt and let down if I found out myself but later realised someone close had already known without telling me.

Yes. A thousand times yes.
I was cheated on. I suspected something was wrong but had exactly zero evidence. I tried to talk to xh but was made to feel so guilty about unfairly suspecting him and told I needed mental help. By the end I did. The whole thing destroyed my self esteem and confidence in my own instincts.
If I'd had that proof a few years earlier, it would saved me years of pain and hurt.

I don't follow your logic OP.

Why is drunken kissing ok?

Is this about you?

I wouldn't want to know and to be honest I wouldn't be overly concerned unless it was a full on affair.

I definitely would not want to know.

Mistakes happen and hopefully my DH would realise his mistake and make sure it never happened again. If I knew it would change our relationship forever. I wouldn't leave my DH over a drunken kiss, so what's the point in knowing.

An affair would be different. I wouldn't want to know about that either, but think I'd have to know and face up to what that meant for us.

I'd rather not be told by a friend or a random that my partner was cheating. For me, I think I'd always wonder if there was an ulterior motive

Unless someone is right in your face I don't think you can accidentally hit someone, you'd have to make an effort.

I agree. You don't accidentally hit someone.

I do find it odd that women will tolerate physical or emotional abuse, but they will leave (sometimes), after infidelity.

Just like cheating, when you accept years or even months of abuse, the abuser sees that as acceptable behaviour.

I remember supporting someone who had caught her husband cheating 8 times and suspected he was at it again. I had to ask why she even wanted to know, if the last 8 times weren't enough for her to leave.

I'd like to say I'd want to know, but one of my friends was cheated on by his gf at the time when she was on holiday. She came home and told him immediately, was genuinely sorry and just wanted it out in the open.

I'd still not forgive that and she'd have been out on her ear. Because quite frankly if you've done it once you're perfectly capable of doing it again and by doing it once you show total lack of respect for your partner and that you have no self control. Same with a drunken kiss. How do you know it'll be a one off (unless you vow to abstain from alcohol for the rest of your life)?

Worth noting when a woman posts that she's had a drunken thing with a stranger /colleague, large volume of replies are to keep quiet to partner. Double standards.

I would most definitely want to know. Once the trust is gone I personally could never get that back, trust for me is what my relationships are based on and without that foundation we would have nothing. I alway tell my dh if he ever wanted an affair then leave me, don't lie and try to have the best of both worlds for that is mean, self centred and selfish and I didn't marry a person like that. I know someone who has been having an affair for years, I feel so sorry for her husband.

As a 42 year old women, I wouldn't want to know about a kiss, I would want to know about a one night stand and an affair I would never forgive anyone for not telling me.

I honestly feel that even if it was just texting anything premeditated more that a day would be hard to forgive, but I'd defo want to know.

After having been through it, given the circumstances at the time and knowing what his plans actually were, now, 18 months down the line I absolutely would NOT want to know!!!!
I have been to hell and back after that day I tricked my way into finding out.
Many may not understand how I could even think like this, but honestly. In my case, ignorance would indeed have been BLISS!!!!!

I'd 100% want to know about any cheating. It's a deal breaker. Even a drunken snog.

Yep, 100% I'd want to know about any form of cheating. My boyfriend would want to know too, but he's a bit more forgiving of the idea of kissing and emotional affair stuff. Any cheating is a complete deal breaker for me.

Violence to me and I'd be gone first time, no chances, police called. Violence to anyone from him, without very good reason, would seriously make me question our relationship.

I'd like to know. When my exh and I split, after 20 years, I was told all kinds of things about him - cheating, behaving inappropriately, etc. - but no one said a thing while we were together. His family (my exMIL and SIL, who I thought I got on ok with) had even helped to facilitate his cheating. Everyone knew except me. It was an awful feeling. You end up thinking, 'What is wrong with me, that everyone thought this was OK?'

And I'd tell someone if I knew and have done!