Should I be annoyed?

[Searchist]

I need a reality check please

Today my wife, daughter and I are supposed to be off to our first music festival. For the past couple of days I've had a bit of stomach pain, I have crohns disease so this is nothing special until yesterday morning when it got quite bad.

I managed to get an appointment at the doctors and the doctor wasn't happy with my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature so sent me to hospital.

My wife was at work so we kept in touch by text. All her messages were filled with the hope that they gave me something and we could carry on with our festival plans. When she finished work I got chance to speak to her. She was still getting all the kit together for when I got let out. I put her straight that it is unlikely that I'll be let out or fit to go.

You could sense the disappointment and she expressed concern about what we were going to do about the tickets, etc. This is part of where I'm a bit annoyed. Surely these tickets should be much lower on her list of priorities and certainly not something I should be being burdened with at this point. Never the less I gave her a list of options including just forgetting about them, selling, giving them to friends, going on her own with daughter or going and taking a friend with daughter. It really didn't seem difficult, plenty of options none of which really affected me, I'll be in bed for a few days. But to make it clear, I'm happy for her to go without me, not ideal for either of us but by all means try and make the most of it if that's what she wants.

Later in the evening she called to find out where hers and our daughters boots were. They were in the boot of my car on the hospital car park. Again it was left to me to devise a plan to sort this out. So she was to come to hospital get my keys, get the boots, return my keys. There was a bit of huffing and puffing because she hadn't eaten as shed been in work all day, she was about to put down the phone when I realised this would be an opportunity to get some stuff, PJs etc so asked her to bring some.

When the phone went down it clicked that I had had to ask her to bring me some stuff, her mind seemed completely on what she needed to do for herself to get the best outcome for herself. I felt like a bit part and an inconvenience. I remembered that I had a spare key for the car so told her where it was so she could get the boots without having to come up to see me. She accepted that and took the boots.

I'm now still in hospital in the same clothes I arrived in and my wife and daughter are on the motorway somewhere on route to a festival.

Am I right to be pissed off? I could've been explicit about the things I want/need but if it was the other way round (and it has been plenty of times) I'd have dropped everything to make sure she had what she needed to be comfortable. If it was me I'd have forgotten about the festival but actually I'm happy for her to go it just would've been nice if I could've had a bit of consideration first. I don't think she knows how sick/well I am to know whether it would be appropriate to go.

Am I right to be pissed off or am I being soft?

I would feel seriously pissed off with her attitude and behaviour.

You don't need a reality check. You need a wife who shows a bit of respect and consideration and concern for her husband.

I would be pretty pissed off and upset in your shoes OP.
Hope you feel better soon

I can't imagine not going to visit my DH if he was in hospital. You have every right to be hurt and annoyed.

Awful person!
Any redeeming features?

No - if anything I think you are under- reacting. Is she always like this? Outrageous behaviour to leave you with nothing in hospital whilst swanning off to enjoy herself.

Ouch, I would be very upset too, OP. She sounds very uncaring and selfish. Is there anyone else who can bring you Pjs/clothes etc? I hope you feel better and get out of hospital soon. But I think you may need to have a bit of a chat with your wife about her behaviour.

Seems fairly unanimous so far. Just conscious I have to take it with a pinch of salt as you've only heard my perspective but in my eyes everything stops when someone is taken into hospital, at least temporarily until eveyone is up to speed. I have options for tonight so will hopefully be smelling fresh again soon.

Thanks for everyone's concern

If be pissed off too! She doesn't seem at all concerned about the fact you are ^in hospital!

As an aside, my exMIL has Crohn's disease and started keeping an overnight bag with PJs, change of clothes, toothbrush etc in the car because she started having to be admitted regularly and it was always quite sudden. It saved any hassle about getting her stuff as everyone knew her bag was in her car. Might help you out a bit in future OP. Also an idea to put a spare phone charger into it as well.

Thankfully phone charger was the one thing I did have!

Who needs to brush their teeth as long as you can post about it on social media!

If I was you I would be pissed off as well.

If I was your wife, I'd ensure you first had the means to be comfortable in hospital and that you had a phone and charger so we could stay in contact and you could keep me updated on your condition.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Well, she hoped that you would be out and was disappointed that you weren't. So I don't het from your post that she didn't care.

You have a chronic illness I think? Is hospitalisation unusual? When people don't have experience of chronic illness, your hospitalisation sounds like a drop-everything moment. I have a friend who is quite unwell and honestly her family are used to it and as a couple they tend to "soldier on". In her case, kids still getting to go to the festival would be both parents' priority.

I'm really playing devil's advocate here - so I will say that I think she should have come in to see you!

But I am imagining her working all day. Having to sort out all the packing alone. Disappointment. Stress about you. Stress about daughter. Stress about getting on the road to the festival.

It sounds awful not bringing you fresh clothes - but you told her not to come up to you. I don't think it's fair to blame her for taking you at your word. You told her spare clothes weren't important by telling her not to come up.

She was in a stressful situation (and you of course!) but she was taking your lead. And yeah, you came up with all the ticket solutions - some people are quicker with solutions than others and the other doesn't get a chance! My XH used to tell me off for throwing 6 solutions at him before I'd even described the problem

Honestly, I would judge this incident against the full picture of your marriage. Are things OK usually? I once did something very unsympathetic towards my XH related to a medical issue - actually, I had actually just split from him but we were living together. If I described it now, I would sound like an utter bitch. But with the full story of our bad relationship, I think a thread would go 50/50 in my favour!

One thing that stood out was you saying that you wouldn't have gone to the festival but you're happy that she did. Stuck in hospital you can be forgiven for being a bit martyrish! But actually it seems like you are judging her for going, and you don't really mean that you're happy she made a different decision. Be honest with yourself what you want, or you can't be honest with her to sort this out.

You definitely need to talk to her. But don't forget your part in telling her not to come up to see you.

I hope you're fully well and out quickly

Ellis Her going to the festival is not the issue here, as OP has clearly said. It's about her general attitude and how she came across about it all. Even if you have a partner who has been hospitalised with some regularity, and you know to just "carry on", you don't huff and puff, get pissed off about it and think solely of your self. She showed absolutely NO concern at all.

How long have you been living with Crohn's disease?

My husband has the condition. I've lost count of the many plans we've had to abandon due to a bad bout of illness and he's been laid up.

We know now the order of recovery, and he's basically left alone upstairs. If he was in hospital this would be a more serious bout and we would abandon our plans. However if it was an average flair up I think I would go ahead with plans, especially where children were involved and tickets to things.

I would probably have brought your stuff into hospital, collected boots and gone off happy you were comfortable.

How has your wife responded to other cancelled plans? It's very hard to mask sadness when something you've been looking forward to is cancelled. Even when it's no ones fault and you love them and understand. It's still can be a bit oh Christ not again.

Crossed post...

There's that mismatch again - you said in your eyes everything stops when someone me goes into hospital.

But you gave your wife solutions about the tickets, 2 of 4 including her going without you. And you told her not to come up to you. And you say on here that you were happy for her to go. Your follow up post confirms that you are not happy about it.

How is she supposed to get this right?

You need to communicate better. You should have said "I am in hospital and I need you. Please bring me spare things, and please don't go to the festival until after / tomorrow".

I am imagining you telling her how you feel now, and her posting on MN saying "WIBU? He told me to go!"

I think she'd get 50/50 replies:

• he should have told you otherwise
• no matter what he said you should have seen through it

I really think this is one that can fixed with some communication later - and that initial responses are harsh on your wife. Though if pushed, I'd come down just slightly on your side!

Thanks Ellisandra

I fully expect some of these to be some of the responses when we come to chat about it.

This is the first time I've been admitted for anything that I can recall so we aren't and I'm not at that point where I can consider hospitalisation normal but I totally get that point. We both used to go to all of my daughters hospital appts at all costs but not any more.

And yes she did take me literally at what I had said. I think this is the part that has caused the most upset and the part which is open to much interpretation. I still THINK I'm right to be annoyed but need to recognise that some people will have different values...

...but can I accept them?

That was in response to the first post btw

Is she always this self-absorbed?

Tell her how much she upset you!

If she doesn't change, stop giving her more of yourself than she gives you!

Maybe I should stop giving her options but she really isnt good in a crisis (or mildly diffixult situation) and sometimes misses the obvious.

I think most people would say the same thing "you don't have to come and see me", however, this is your wife, she actually came to the hospital to pick something up just didn't come in to see you. From your post, and I agree we only see your side, it seems to me she's pissed off that the plans were altered and she's not suited. How very dare you be unwell and require medical attention.

I would have thought (especially since she was still going away) that she would have brought you what you need to be comfortable, whilst being sympathetic you could no longer attend the festival with them.

Cheery I've had crohns for about 12 years but have been in remission for around 8 until July last year. It has never really got in the way of any of our plans, I've been quite lucky really.

I know I'm not on deaths door and don't expect that bedside attention at every visiting hour. That's why I still think she should have gone but I think I was worth half an hour to bring me some stuff and for her to see me for herself to make that judgement whether she thought it was appropriate for her to go.

I'd like to think I'd have been telling her to go regardless of my condition coz that's the kind of person that I think I am but it's easy for me to say that now. I'd like to think that's what she thinks of me too so that should inform the decision to come see me briefly too.

I'm gonna end up being one of those old blokes sat in his chair covered in piss coz they don't wanna be any trouble aren't I?

So I don't het from your post that she didn't care
Really???
I did.
She was at the hospital. She was collecting boots from the hospital carpark.
Her husband has just been admitted to hospital.
She didn't even go and say hello.
That is fucking low in my opinion.
But maybe I'm just a bit weird!!!???
She could have at least got a wash bag together and some fresh pants and socks and PJ's
Jeezzz... It's not rocket science.
Sorry but she's coming across to me as a heartless cowbag.
I hope she falls over in the mud and has to spend the entire weekend cold, wet and filthy!
I'm fuming for you - I really am!

See I'm not fuming. Perhaps desensitised to it. Perhaps disappointed not to be spending time with dd. Dunno. Just disappointed all over.

To a far lesser extent I get it all the time with illness, when she's ill the world stops, when I'm ill I'm a nuisance, to the point I get anxious about revealing I'm ill.

Terrible chest infection over Christmas, constantly told off for coughing in the nights, huffing etc, I ended up sleeping on the sofa a few nights, my choice as it was stressing me out so much.

Happy days eh?

Hope there's some mates around to bring you the stuff you need?

I think a lot will depend on what happens in the next 24 hours. If she was just panicking then perhaps overnight she will think "why the hell am I here?"
If she asks if you're all right don't say "fine"! Say that you are a bit hurt and sad actually. You're going to have to communicate better together if you are to have a future.
Do you have family or friends who can visit and bring a few essentials like toothbrush etc?