Should I be annoyed?

[Searchist]

I need a reality check please

Today my wife, daughter and I are supposed to be off to our first music festival. For the past couple of days I've had a bit of stomach pain, I have crohns disease so this is nothing special until yesterday morning when it got quite bad.

I managed to get an appointment at the doctors and the doctor wasn't happy with my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature so sent me to hospital.

My wife was at work so we kept in touch by text. All her messages were filled with the hope that they gave me something and we could carry on with our festival plans. When she finished work I got chance to speak to her. She was still getting all the kit together for when I got let out. I put her straight that it is unlikely that I'll be let out or fit to go.

You could sense the disappointment and she expressed concern about what we were going to do about the tickets, etc. This is part of where I'm a bit annoyed. Surely these tickets should be much lower on her list of priorities and certainly not something I should be being burdened with at this point. Never the less I gave her a list of options including just forgetting about them, selling, giving them to friends, going on her own with daughter or going and taking a friend with daughter. It really didn't seem difficult, plenty of options none of which really affected me, I'll be in bed for a few days. But to make it clear, I'm happy for her to go without me, not ideal for either of us but by all means try and make the most of it if that's what she wants.

Later in the evening she called to find out where hers and our daughters boots were. They were in the boot of my car on the hospital car park. Again it was left to me to devise a plan to sort this out. So she was to come to hospital get my keys, get the boots, return my keys. There was a bit of huffing and puffing because she hadn't eaten as shed been in work all day, she was about to put down the phone when I realised this would be an opportunity to get some stuff, PJs etc so asked her to bring some.

When the phone went down it clicked that I had had to ask her to bring me some stuff, her mind seemed completely on what she needed to do for herself to get the best outcome for herself. I felt like a bit part and an inconvenience. I remembered that I had a spare key for the car so told her where it was so she could get the boots without having to come up to see me. She accepted that and took the boots.

I'm now still in hospital in the same clothes I arrived in and my wife and daughter are on the motorway somewhere on route to a festival.

Am I right to be pissed off? I could've been explicit about the things I want/need but if it was the other way round (and it has been plenty of times) I'd have dropped everything to make sure she had what she needed to be comfortable. If it was me I'd have forgotten about the festival but actually I'm happy for her to go it just would've been nice if I could've had a bit of consideration first. I don't think she knows how sick/well I am to know whether it would be appropriate to go.

Am I right to be pissed off or am I being soft?

Disgraceful behaviour from your wife. I'd be bloody fuming.

I'd be so so so sad if my DP did this. Sorry for.you OP.

My DH would tell me not to come, but he knows it would be pointless as a) there's no way I'd not want to see him, and b) I'd want to take him things.

It's miserable enough being in hospital. Being in without even one's own toothbrush just adds to it.

She sounds selfish as fuck. I can't imagine not, at the very least, even going up to see my DH if I was AT THE HOSPITAL. Does she usually have issues with empathy?

Is she normally so self-centred? Would strongly suggest marriage counselling if so- marriages shouldn't be so one-sided.

The big thing for me is being so close to you and not coming to see you. I don't think I'd do that even if DH was well let alone in hospital.

I hope you're feeling better today.

You sound lovely op. I would feel very hurt in your situation. By all means she should have gone etc but she should have made sure you have a change of clothes and whatever else you need to be comfortable, that's really the minimum anyone should expect from their spouse / partner in these situations.

My mum has severe Crohn's disease - she's 70 and has had it since she was 13. She's had numerous operations and time in hospital. It's an awful thing to have, the only thing that's made it even bearable for her in recent years is constant steroids - the benefits outweigh the side effects and risks for her.

You should be annoyed that she didn't come to see you when she was literally right outside. That is so mean! Even a quick 5 mins chat, kiss on the cheek and to make sure you were ok.
Poor bloke, I wish I could give you a big hug myself!!!

Oh and to add to my above comment - I am possibly the worst at caring for the sick 😂 I'm sympathetic for 24hrs tops then I just want them to get better and even I think she was mean!

A lot to consider and a lot of "what ifs" posed. I know the context of what was said both on the day and in our relationship so quite a bit to think about. I eventually got some clean underwear today 48 hours after admission.

I'm hoping to get out tomorrow and apparently my ticket is still at home so hoping to go for a dance with my daughter just depends how I'm coping on my new meds.

Thanks for everyone's concern and to most of those who've given the counter view. Yes I have a chronic condition and so far I've been very lucky where it has had limited impact on other people but I'd be naive to think it will stay this way so will need to prepare for people's patience and tolerance to wear thin. I do worry that this is my first hospital admission with this and that tolerance doesn't seem to go very far.

Food for thought.

Anyway I'll be waiting for guts to heal and mud to dry before talking about this in any great detail but talk we must.

Thanks all

Searchist, can fully understand your annoyance/disappointment. We all wish to feel our other halves will understand us without us having to be explicit. However, the reality often falls short. Your wife probably took you at your word because it was convenient for her to do so. Also, she may subconsciously not wished to come to see you as it might have caused her some guilt to be going off to the festival while you're in hospital. I suggest you air your disappointment when the dust has settled and make it clear that you expect a brief visit from her if similar circumstances recur to avoid this issue festering. Hope you feel better soon.

Sounds like a sensible plan 😀.

My thinking would be that you need to do less problem-solving for her. Tbh it sounds like you take a dominant/almost parental role in the relationship. Which means she can get away with this kind of almost teenage selfishness. Instead of rushing to offer options/solutions, I'd back off and expect her to come up with her own.

OP, to me you sound a bit passive aggressive. You are constantly giving your wife a bit of rope, then a bit more and then you can feel aggrieved that she has hung herself. Me personally, I would despise that.

Why don't you actually talk to her about what you want, how you feel? A whole internet of people agreeing with you is no substitute for a simple frank conversation.

Have to agree with the comment re passive aggressive.

Also a good point made above that if you always make the decisions, it's all the more likely that when you tell her to get the spare key and not come up to you, she's going up follow your lead and your decision and do as she's told. A person like that would drive me nuts, but if that's a longstanding dynamic of your relationship, you can't expect it to change instantly.

I read back, and I was uncomfortable with your comment that she didn't know if you were ill/well enough to stay/be left. You're an adult, I think that's your call to decide that. Especially because your reason for wanting her seems more to do with your emotional than physical health. Which is a perfectly fine reason to want your wife! But she can't guess that, and a doctor or an obs chart won't tell her.

You are pissed off that she didn't think to offer to bring you clothes. Yet you didn't even think of it yourself until just when the phone was being put down! You both caught out by unexpected events and both distracted by the immediate issue of the festival preparation.

I'm interested to know... but this is personal so feel free to ignore.
I can definitely see from your posts that you wanted her to want to be there. But did you actually want her there?

Many times in my (ex) marriage, I was upset because my husband didn't want to support me - but I didn't actually want him. Best example might be taking my 4yo at 5am to A&E at advice of NHS direct because of laboured breathing. He stayed in bed. I felt so alone. I wanted desperately to have a husband who would soothe his child and his wife. But when he half heartedly waited until I was dressed and leaving asap to say from his bed "do you need me to come?" I said "no you have work later get some sleep".

I wasn't being a martyr letting him sleep - I just didn't want him around me, it wouldn't have helped me or our child. But I still cried my eyes out later, grief for the marriage I was in. I'm glad it's over. In your shoes, I'd be thinking whether you put her off because actually, you cared about seeing her as much as she cared about seeing you. The reality could be your anger is because you want a different relationship with someone that you do want to see, who does support you.

Ignore if my projecting is way off the mark!

I'll be honest, I'd be upset about this if I were you as it seems inconsiderate on her part but maybe she's stressed about the whole situation and just isn't handling it very well. Hopefully you're on the mend and maybe have a chat once you're both home.

Oops, ignore me. I see you already plan on a chat (I should have read the whole thread before responding).

Yes, for you the festival is something you can't attend. Yes, your condition has flared up again. Why should your partner and child very punished for this? Your condition is part of you and you should be the one to set the tone. Do you want to be supportive of two other people leading normal lives or do you want your illness to impact on them?
This is really offensive.

If this was a woman posting that her DH had been in the hospital car park to get what he needed and he'd left his wife upstairs in hospital without toiletries, pjs and clean clothes there would quite rightly be uproar! OP, I think she was pretty selfish. It would have taken ten minutes to bring you what you need to get comfy.

I'd be very interested in hearing the DW's story as I bet there is a different version. I hope you do better on your new meds, OP. Try not to punish her for actually listening when you said she could still go.

Wow she sounds selfish.
I'm admitted often for various issues and I understand how you are feeling because it's so boring and frustrating. You need your wife's support and it's at these times that are most important
I would have given the tickets to friends. Family more important.

OP have you seen there is an auto-immune diseases group / thread in MN? You'll find it under Health.