Should I be annoyed?

[Searchist]

I need a reality check please

Today my wife, daughter and I are supposed to be off to our first music festival. For the past couple of days I've had a bit of stomach pain, I have crohns disease so this is nothing special until yesterday morning when it got quite bad.

I managed to get an appointment at the doctors and the doctor wasn't happy with my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature so sent me to hospital.

My wife was at work so we kept in touch by text. All her messages were filled with the hope that they gave me something and we could carry on with our festival plans. When she finished work I got chance to speak to her. She was still getting all the kit together for when I got let out. I put her straight that it is unlikely that I'll be let out or fit to go.

You could sense the disappointment and she expressed concern about what we were going to do about the tickets, etc. This is part of where I'm a bit annoyed. Surely these tickets should be much lower on her list of priorities and certainly not something I should be being burdened with at this point. Never the less I gave her a list of options including just forgetting about them, selling, giving them to friends, going on her own with daughter or going and taking a friend with daughter. It really didn't seem difficult, plenty of options none of which really affected me, I'll be in bed for a few days. But to make it clear, I'm happy for her to go without me, not ideal for either of us but by all means try and make the most of it if that's what she wants.

Later in the evening she called to find out where hers and our daughters boots were. They were in the boot of my car on the hospital car park. Again it was left to me to devise a plan to sort this out. So she was to come to hospital get my keys, get the boots, return my keys. There was a bit of huffing and puffing because she hadn't eaten as shed been in work all day, she was about to put down the phone when I realised this would be an opportunity to get some stuff, PJs etc so asked her to bring some.

When the phone went down it clicked that I had had to ask her to bring me some stuff, her mind seemed completely on what she needed to do for herself to get the best outcome for herself. I felt like a bit part and an inconvenience. I remembered that I had a spare key for the car so told her where it was so she could get the boots without having to come up to see me. She accepted that and took the boots.

I'm now still in hospital in the same clothes I arrived in and my wife and daughter are on the motorway somewhere on route to a festival.

Am I right to be pissed off? I could've been explicit about the things I want/need but if it was the other way round (and it has been plenty of times) I'd have dropped everything to make sure she had what she needed to be comfortable. If it was me I'd have forgotten about the festival but actually I'm happy for her to go it just would've been nice if I could've had a bit of consideration first. I don't think she knows how sick/well I am to know whether it would be appropriate to go.

Am I right to be pissed off or am I being soft?

OP you are allowed to be annoyed. My son has chron's and it is a terrible disease. He has just had two hospital admissions and although it disrupted our holiday, none of us (7 in total) minded one bit...we just got on with things and helped where we could. Try not to be disappointed...if the boot was on the other foot, I am sure you would be understanding

Sorry you're ill, but your post is very judgemental. You jumped immediately from 'sensing her disappointment' to being very annoyed. I don't think she blamed you for messing up the plans, she was just trying to continue with the original plan by herself as best as she could, to avoid disappointing dd, I think.
As for the 'bit of huffing and puffing' - she's been worried about organising stuff and didn't get chance to eat- I know plenty of ppl who would be huffing and puffing at that point! Hunger brings out the worst in ppl, for sure.
Yes, she could have popped in to see you. Was she running to a certain time to get away, and it would have taken ages, maybe? As she went with a friend I imagine she had to work around them too.
You are in hospital with a chronic condition - nothing she can offer but moral support (yes, I appreciate a change of clothes etc would be good, did she hear that? You said you said it just as she was about to pit the phone down), you sound like you actually would have preferred her and dd to not go without you, tbh. You may have suggested the 'solutions' but she's been the one running round doing everything. I can understand how you both might be annoyed by the situation, but it's a bit much to say she's just out for herself based on the evidence in your OP.

Hi Fritz. Just a few things to pick out from your response.

She wasn't going with a friend, that was one of the suggestions I made to deal with her concern of having lost money on a ticket.

Yes I sensed her disappointment. After 13 years together I think that's something I'm capable of doing. I'm also capable of telling when someone is concerned about my welfare and this wasn't shown at all. Again after 13 years I feel this is a reasonable jump.

She wasn't running to a certain time. She could arrive any time between 9am on Thursday and any time on Sunday. There is no plane to catch or itinerary to stick to. We are 90 mins tops away.

She travelled 30 mins to collect items she required but not the additional 10 mins to the ward to see me or bring me any supplies.

You could have a point though

Hi Lalalamp

Yes the boot has been on the other foot plenty of times and I know what my behaviour has been like. I don't expect her to come close to the running around I've done in the past but half an hour really would've helped.

Most of her behaviour could be explained away by her rushing around, unexpectedly having to do everything without help. Some people are not good at that.

But she was actually at the hospital! And didn't pop up to see you? That is bizarre.

Could she be annoyed with you for some other reason?

What actually stands out for me is the fact despite being the one who is ill, you were still expected to find a solution to the issue.
As if being ill was your fault and therefore you had to sort it out iyswim.

The other thing was the lack of kindness towards you.
Does she have a clear idea of what Crohn's disease is, issues going with it etc? Has she ever gone to to see the consultant with you?

Fritz do you really think it was up to the OP to make it clear that he needed some clean clothes, something to brush his teeth etc?
As someone who should be caring for the OP, let alone loving him, that's not something that should have come to her mind straight away, wondering what he got actually need?

As for the fact it's a chronic illness, it's not because it's chronic that it's not potentially dangerous or affecting your wellbeing a lot. The OP is in hospital. They wouldn't have kept him in if it wasn't serious enough.
And even if he was dong regular visits to the hospital like this, this still shouldn't be a good enough reason not to take the 10 more mins needed to go and see him.
It was very selfish thing to do really,

cuddly I imagine that you don't have a chronic illness??

There are as many people who are arsehole and have a chronic illness and those who don't.
Lease don't assume that because someone has a chronic illness they are automatically entitled and selfish and self centered.
One because it's as unlikely to be the case than for anyone else.
And because it's deeply hurtful for those who are trying to do as much as they can do within their own limitations to be told that, on the top of it, they are self centered and entitled anyway.

Like what redpepper said, it's the fact she still expected you to be sorting out family life that seems off.

When you've got children and your partners in hospital life does just have to carry on (and why not the good bits). That I can understand and I would have gone to the festival too tbh.

My dh had been in and out of hospital due to Chrohns in the last few years and we've just got used to it. I visit as much as possible when he's in but young children and wards to not mix!!

She does sound selfish tbh but when your partners in hospital people forget how hard it is (if you have children) to just keep on going and keep all the plates spinning at home.

Wow Cuddly.

I understand only too well the difficulty of trying to combine normal family life with a chronic illness but there's taking the "life must go on" attitude and then there's the "I don't give a shit about you" attitude. If anyone I knew was admitted to hospital I'd want to make sure that they were ok, had everything they need etc. That's just being compassionate.

I just can't understand this wife's behaviour at all. If that had been me I certainly would have gone to the hospital with overnight bag and left decision about going away until I'd seen my husband and how he was.

Hope the wife remembers this if ever she finds herself in this position.

Hope you are feeling better today OP

cuddlymunchkin
You need to sort out changing your username!
Wow!
I'm not sure you've read OP's posts at all.
This is the first time I've been admitted for anything that I can recall
He hasn't had a flare up in 9 years!!!!
If it was my husband I'd be at that hospital as much as humanly possible.
As I have been very very recently with my sister!
Being in hospital, ill, alone and probably scared is not nice!
Either find some compassion or change your name to pricklygremlin!
This is relationships not AIBU - we do supporting over here!

Fritz and Cuddly Just wow. What a crock of shit.

Yes - supporting the two other people in this situation. Sometimes people are blinkered to the impact on other people. Yes, it might be hard to hear and yes, it's unpopular to say - but absolutely it is absolutely right to consider how other people in addition to the person with the condition feel and are impacted.

There is so much consideration, sympathy and empathy for the OP and that is good - but don't dismiss the actions or feelings of his wife. Try to consider her as well.

How old is your daughter?

Is it possible that your wife who as you say was at work all day is trying to rush around and keep everything on track for your DD?

Not popping in with clothes is a bit off but TBH if I had a young child in the car/waiting at home and a ton of stuff to get sorted it's possible that pulling up by your car and getting it then rushing back home was a lot more straight forward than finding a parking space and going up to the ward especially as you'd said it wasn't necessary.

Basically there are two options:

Either she's a bitch and hates you
Or
She's a harassed working mum who is trying to do her best for your DD.

Only you know which is most likely. If it's the former LTB, if it's the latter I suspect you will use this thread as a stick to beat her so perhaps take a step back and figure out what you want to achieve

Fritz do you really think it was up to the OP to make it clear that he needed some clean clothes, something to brush his teeth etc?
Erm, no. I did say she should have taken some in.

I'm certainly not supporting the un-supporting wife!
I'm astounded you think it's OK to be in the hospital carpark and not even go up to visit your husband who is sick in a hospital bed.
Who has been well for 9 years and not been in hospital for a long long time!
Wow!!!! Just WOW!
I'm very glad you aren't part of my family.
That's just friggin heartless!!!

I can understand why you'd be pissed off but I've also seen the other side. My uncle has chrons and my auntie finds it completely draining and it's always about him. He's been in hospital a lot, nearly died many times, so her sympathy is often lacking as she has a life to lead and sometimes their kids come first. If he's being cared for in hospital she knows he's okay so can actually do other stuff. Packing to take a dc to a festival is stressful especially when you're doing it on your own.

My point is that living with someone who needs you to be constantly selfless is hard on people like my aunt (and probably me). And if you've felt unwell for a few days but left it to the last minute to get checked then that's different again. So much more to the bigger picture than any of us on here can see. Therefore I've no idea who is bu.

OP I'd be very hurt if my OH did that. To be actually at the hospital and not to take anything for you... If you were anywhere near me I'd bring you wash stuff and pyjamas!

I can't imagine me or DH not rushing into hospital as a priority to see how the other was. That, to me, seems the normal reaction when you love someone. So her reaction seems odd and uncaring.

But I do wonder whether you have the tendency to play martyr to her selfishness. If you wanted her to come with your things, you should have asked. If you tell her it's okay, then don't feel aggreived when she takes you up on it. Learn to be assertive about what you want and need. If you don't respect yourself, she won't respect you either. And I say all this as someone who tends to be guilty of doing the same. It took me years to work out why all my relationships ended up with me being treated like I didn't deserve any respect or consideration.

Hope you feel better soon. I'm going on (another) assertiveness course in the autumn, because it's still something I have to work at. I wish you well.

But for the people saying "but she was even at the hospital" , you have to remember it was the OP who specifically contacted her after the first phone call (by phone again or text I don't know, but he said it was after he had put the phone down) to tell her where the spare key to the car was, so she didn't have to come up to him.

She didn't text him "is there a spare key so I don't have to waste time seeing you?"

He told her not to come up. Told her where the key was. That is not a vague "oh no, don't worry about me, you're busy, don't come up...". That is an explicit decision that he doesn't want her to bother coming up.

Now in the OP's situation I can see myself saying don't come up, and meaning it. I can't say for sure. But I know after a knee operation I told my husband not to waste him time sitting in traffic on the ring road popping in. I meant it. Different because it was a planned admission, but some people genuinely wouldn't mind.

I totally understand OP why you did want her to come. But I really think that by actually providing the means for her not to, specifically contacting her afterwards to tell her where the key was so she didn't have to come in, you gave her a very clear and unambiguous message.

You gave her the wrong message - but it was your message.

I would let it go that she didn't come into you, because you told her not in very clear terms. I'd let it go that she went to the festival - you told her too, and there is your child to consider.

When you're both home and you're well, I would completely walk away from picking fights over whether she should have not done what you said!

But I would tell her, it's made you realise that you are not feeling close to each other, and wish you had explicitly said you wanted to see her, and you wish she had said don't be so bloody stupid about the spare key. And tell her you to feel close again. (how you manage that depends on what you feel you lack as a couple - time alone together, whatever)

Not to be mean but are you often in hospital? It can get tedious constantly going in and also working plans around it as it does become the norm if it's regular. If it wasn't regular then yes awful. Even it was regular still mean but I've been there for a family member and it does become difficult if it's regular to remember everything whilst panicking about regular planned changes plus the fact that I often know when things aren't really serious

You told her not to come up.

You say that she's not good in a crisis, so I'm thinking she was stressed out and not thinking straight, and she's used to you doing her thinking for her - you said she didn't have to come up, so she didn't. Basically she's used to you taking the lead about what to do, so she took you at your word.

Of course it feels shit tho.

There's no excuse for her lack of consideration and selfishness.

Is this the woman who just has to go to this festival every year?

Next time - don't run around after when she's ill.