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Original poster

AIBU - Best friend has made no effort with baby

70 replies

bumblebee91 · 26/07/2017 19:19

So we have been best friends since we were 14, were inseparable all the way through school and have continued to be close as we've grown up. She has no children herself and I had my DD at the start of this year, she is now six months and my friend has not yet met her and has made no effort to do so. Am I right to be feeling quite hurt about this? We have met up a few times to go out for dinner without the baby, but she has just shown no interest in meeting her.

I think what makes it worse is that we live closer to each other than we ever have, she drives past my house several days a week so I think would it be too much trouble to stop and pop in one day since I am at home most of the time?

AIBU to be feeling like this? I am reconsidering inviting her to the Christening, as it upsets me that she has made zero effort to get to know what is now the biggest part of me.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/07/2017 19:23

Yeah that's a bit wierd tbh. That goes way beyond not being interested in babies. She's actively avoiding meeting her best friends baby.

I suspect she doesn't like change much.

spacefrog35 · 26/07/2017 19:28

Is there any chance she's struggling with infertility/ miscarriage or just the fact that she wants what you have and so is struggling with the situation?

Or alternatively perhaps she actually has no interest in children? If she's as good a friend as you describe then cut her some slack.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 26/07/2017 19:28

It's a bit weird, I'd have expected her to have seen the baby at least once.

Did-inviting her from the christening is mean though and goes against what a christening is about i.e. the baby joining the faith.

cherryontopp · 26/07/2017 19:28

I would definitely ask her about this.

Either she doesn't like babies, she doesn't like change or she's jealous.

TeenAndTween · 26/07/2017 19:30

I too am wondering whether she is struggling with infertility and it's all too much.

However, you have actually invited her over, haven't you?

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2017 19:30

Not everyone is into babies. Some people feel uncomfortable around them and some people just plain dislike them (a controversial view on MN I know!). And generally people who aren't into babies find them extremely dull. Your baby may be the most important thing in your life but I strongly suspect your friend doesn't view it the same way. I think it's unfair to impose your lifestyle choice on your friend. The baby means a massive change in your friendship as this will become increasingly evident as times goes on. It's going to take time for both of you to adjust. Don't throw away a friendship just because your friend isn't as delighted with your lifestyle choice as you are.

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2017 19:31

Not everyone likes babies, and she's your friend not your child's.

I agree that infertility/not being in a position to have her own children could also be an issue here.

Uninviting her from the christening is mean and seems like an overreaction.

ElspethFlashman · 26/07/2017 19:33

That "lifestyle choice" is a new person. It's a social norm to say hello to said new person if they came out of your best mate and you live down the bloody road.

Sittingonthefence83 · 26/07/2017 19:34

I would totally feel very hurt by this and I reckon you would already know if she's had problems conceiving/mc's etc.

She could be slightly jealous perhaps and is avoiding the situation??

I think you should definitely ask her.....in a nice way of course, tell her how much your baby means to you and what she means to you and you would like her involved in you AND your baby's life.

user1499786242 · 26/07/2017 19:36

I am in a very similar situation! One of my 'best friends' has Seen my little boy once in 23 months eventho she lives minutes away...
She's just not interested, she'd rather go for a meal, clubbing etc but my child comes everywhere with me so we don't see each other!
She comments and likes pictures on social media etc but that's as far as it goes
Used to bother me, over it now
Made some amazing mum friends and we meet up with the kids etc
Her loss

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 19:36

I also have an old friend who isn't interested in my children. It is tricky. My friend doesn't want children, I think that is the reason. I now go meet her while DH has the children, we can chat and have adult time then. It works for us.

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 19:37

I meet other friends with children, as well, with them. For me I wanted to keep the friendship going, and in a way it is nice to have some time away at times.

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 19:38

Some people just don't get babies. And that's ok

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2017 19:39

She's just not interested, she'd rather go for a meal, clubbing etc but my child comes everywhere with me so we don't see each other!

I think that's a bit sad to be honest. You really don't have any time away from your child? My friends with children really value meeting up as adults.

Desmondo2016 · 26/07/2017 19:41

Have you actually invited her to meet her?

whiteroseredrose · 26/07/2017 19:48

She's not interested in your baby I'm afraid. Some people aren't. Same with husbands sometimes. You meet up with friends because you like their company not necessarily that of their DH or DC.

It would have been polite to meet her once though.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2017 21:20

Why haven't you just asked her why she hasn't made an effort to meet your baby? If you are such good friends, shouldn't you be able to talk about it?

chestylarue52 · 26/07/2017 21:24

If theres no fertility issues or miscarriage problems,

It would be nice for her to show an interest.

I don't really care about babies but I make an effort to meet my friends and say oh aren't they lovely and take a gift and talk to them about the child for a while. If you love your friend and they love their baby, why wouldn't you?

Notbraveenough · 26/07/2017 21:37

I think it's poor. Your baby is part of you and you have gone through a major life change. Even if your friend is not interested in kids, she should have met your baby by now and asked you about your experience especially if she lives so close. If you are still both quite young, maybe she is in a self absorbed stage and won't really understand until she has kids herself.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 26/07/2017 21:44

Can you really "meet" a six month old though? You're just basically looking at them and maybe having a little hold. If you're not particularly interested in babies then I get why what is basically a one-sided interaction might feel awkward.

Have you actually invited your friend round? It may well be that she thinks you'll be too frazzled for visitors.

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 21:44

Sometimes child free people don't quite relate to babies. It's usually not malicious, just too bigger leap mentally.

ZiggyForever · 26/07/2017 21:51

Even if there are fertility/miscarriage issues I still think it's a bit weird that she's never seen your baby, OP, if you HAVE invited her over or tried to make it happen. I've struggled with fertility issues myself for years and I know I have to put my own grief and longing aside to be happy for the people I care about . . . as difficult as that can be. Brave face etc etc.

I think you need to gently talk to her about it, not in a confrontational way, just in a straightforward, honest way.

dudsville · 26/07/2017 21:53

Not everyone is into babies, as had been said by pps. Last night I had to politely listen for ages to a parent talking about the next stage of this child's life. I had zero interest but was polite because it is interesting to them. As a result of this though I actively limit my time with parents, more so if they want to bring children along to meet ups. Being a parent is engrossing. Listening to a parent engrossed in their child is not. To me, that is.

Gemini69 · 27/07/2017 01:07

I agree with the others that maybe she's just not into babies...

Hekabe · 27/07/2017 08:19

I have to say I struggled to find the motivation with friends kids. And now I have one.

I pretty much know that friends that won't be bothered to meet DS though, and that's fine!

What has her previous stance been on kids?

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