AIBU - Best friend has made no effort with baby

[bumblebee91]

So we have been best friends since we were 14, were inseparable all the way through school and have continued to be close as we've grown up. She has no children herself and I had my DD at the start of this year, she is now six months and my friend has not yet met her and has made no effort to do so. Am I right to be feeling quite hurt about this? We have met up a few times to go out for dinner without the baby, but she has just shown no interest in meeting her.

I think what makes it worse is that we live closer to each other than we ever have, she drives past my house several days a week so I think would it be too much trouble to stop and pop in one day since I am at home most of the time?

AIBU to be feeling like this? I am reconsidering inviting her to the Christening, as it upsets me that she has made zero effort to get to know what is now the biggest part of me.

Not everyone is into babies. Some people feel uncomfortable around them and some people just plain dislike them (a controversial view on MN I know!). And generally people who aren't into babies find them extremely dull. Your baby may be the most important thing in your life but I strongly suspect your friend doesn't view it the same way. I think it's unfair to impose your lifestyle choice on your friend. The baby means a massive change in your friendship as this will become increasingly evident as times goes on. It's going to take time for both of you to adjust. Don't throw away a friendship just because your friend isn't as delighted with your lifestyle choice as you are.

Sorry but that's bollocks.

There's 'not being interested in babies' and there's actively avoiding a massive change in your best friend's life. She doesn't have to play aunty but you make some effort, st least a couple times! If your friend bought a new house, or got married etc just because you're not fussed about those things doesn't mean you don't make an effort.

Also Infertility can cause awful feelings but even at my lowest I would never have avoided a friend like that. That's shit.

Not inviting her to the christening is a bit much. If you are really good friends, you should be able to say that you feel hurt by the fact she has made no effort to meet your baby in 6 months and ask her why. Get it out in the open.

I don't think it matters if she's not interested in kids. It's a huge part of your life and a big thing for you. If she lives close by, a good friend would have popped by within the first few weeks with a gift and to see how YOU were getting on with this massive change.

smile hand mum and dad a present, pose for a pic with the baby

Also Infertility can cause awful feelings but even at my lowest I would never have avoided a friend like that. That's shit.

Well done. You must realise not everyone is able to do the same?

Have you actually asked her to come and meet the baby?

Gina No. You might THINK it's bollocks, and that's fine for YOU to think that. But it's not actual bollocks because what that PP said is perfectly true for some people. And again, despite what you THINK, there have been dozens of threads on MN over the years where people who have been struggling to conceive have totally avoided friends and family who have recently had a baby and generally most people have said that's understandable.

I agree with Gina. I have absolutely no interest in weddings at all (even less in christenings)but I still attend them. When my friends started a business I had zero interest in I still asked about it etc. It's what friends do, unless doing so causes just too much pain. Have you never just asked her about it?

smile hand mum and dad a present, pose for a pic with the baby

You seem to have have absolutely no idea how hard posing for pictures holding a baby would be for many many people struggling with infertility. Are you one of the lucky ones who had totally forgotten what it is like?

For those saying maybe she doesn’t care about babies - do you never do anything for your friends outside of your interests then? I mean I don’t really like little babies but if my friend wantd me to meet theirs I really would!

For example Im not bothered about shoe shops but if my dear friend had opened a shoe shop and was really proud of it and wanted me to stop by and see it I would – I’d tell them it was a great shoe shop and I was proud of them and look how good the window display is etc etc etc. I might not stay very long but I’d go out of my way to show my friend that I cared about what they were proud of achieving in life.

I think, you should ask her what's wrong. She still appears to be interested in being your friend because you've met up for dinner since your baby was born. What do you talk about when you meet up? She might be struggling with her own fertility issues or she may be that friend who doesn't like/feels awkward around small babies. Ask her if she would like to come to the christening and if she says yes, then suggest she should meet your daughter before the christening.

If she says no thankyou to the christening invite and meeting your daughter, will this mean the end to your friendship?

Why assume this friend is infertile? I'm not fond of being around babies, but I'm not infertile. Kids change the dynamic of a friendship and lead to some very boring conversations. Sometimes the parent loses their identity and just becomes "mum" and it's a real shame.

I've got my best friend living 300 + miles away. She's met ds2 once, and ds1 several times.
Another friend would see my dc daily and avoided my ds2 like the plague. Offered her a cuddle when he was a month old, she looked horrified. Recently (ds approaching 1) she's cuddled him a few times and interacts with him. I consider her a good friend, but only speaking with her recently did I discover her lifelong dream of being a mum. She's now early 50s and with medical issues so holding or interacting with a baby must be hard for her.
Ask her op. If you're that close, how can you have left it this long?? It's now the elephant in the room

While she may not be into babies (fair enough, I'm not) she is presumably into YOU and should want to see you?? Basically she is blanking you because you now come with a baby attached. It's probably not how she sees it though. She could be nervous or scared of the situation, or not realize that you even want her around any more. Don't disinvite her, just phone her up and say 'hey, I'd love to see you, pop round for a coffee on X date?' Her response will show you how she feels.

But unfortunately, if unsurprisingly, children do change relationships. It may be time to move on, and that's fine too.

Scissors But she is seeing the OP. OP has mentioned they've met up a few times times for dinner.

Not a real friend, I would say. How hurtful. There is no excuse for this.

A close friend of mine really was not interested in my dcs. She was not at that life stage. Absolutely fair enough. We did "adult" things together, but I never involved the dcs in anything we did nor did I even mention them.

However, a few years later she met someone and had a baby. My goodness me. Did she go on. She was, of course, the first person ever to have a child and talked about it non stop, and I think FB flippin' exploded with the amount of updates of her and her dp cooing over baby. And she insisted on bringing child everywhere.

Now, this started really sticking in my craw. Years I had carefully almost pretended to be child free. It clearly didn't occur to her that she had perhaps been rude or I had been very polite. Now I only see her very rarely.

I would just ask her if she wqnts to pop in one day for tea 'and then you can see/meet the baby... if you want to'? And if she refused or made an excuse, I would just ask why. It is totally OK not to be into babies or feel uncomfortable in case she has infertility issues... but it is not OK not to talk about it, explain what is up, if you are friends. Just get it out in the open!
And re 'lifestyle choices' comment... words fail me. It is a human being, you know, not a yacht or fancy pair of shoes, or vacation in wilderness. I guess no one is expecting the friend to be delighted with the baby or cuddle it ( I don't like it myself, as I am not baby crazy even though I am a mum myself and do like older kids...). But that baby is the OP's family member.... would you avoid visiting your dear friend if her ill mother or father on the wheelchair was staying with her, because you are uncomfortable with illness or disability? Would it be so hard to come in and say hello and sit for half an hour? I am excluding here situations when the given friend does want children but cannot have them or is struggling - that is obviously different... but still would be worth talking about, just to understand what is happening.

Had a similar situation and I was also hurt. When I brought it up I was classed as being unreasonable because I dared to say something.

Some people are self centred assholes. And as for not liking babies...I wasn't a fan myself but I would make the effort to see my friend because I cared about how they were doing. If you think about it, is your friendship one sided? I'd be friendly, but not make an effort until she's ready to talk.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know that she definitely isn't struggling with infertility or miscarriage, she has made it quite clear that her and her husband are not interested in starting a family anytime soon, if at all, as they enjoy their lifestyle too much.

I understand that she may just not be very interested in babies, she has never been very maternal, and to be honest before I had DD I didn't find babies particularly interesting either. I was never the type to want to cuddle everyone's baby and I found it a bit awkward trying to interact with them. However, without a doubt if a close friend had a baby I would at least go and see them?

I did mention to her a while ago about coming over to see DD, she said she would, but nothing came of it.

And as for fertility issues-surely if they are as close as she states, then she would have an inkling that this would be an issue.

I wouldn't not invite her to the christening...that will give her a reason to have an issue with you. I would concentrate on making friends with new mums and put her to the back of your mind...hard I know!

Did you actually invite her for a particular day and time, saying very clearly "Can you come over on x date or x date to meet dd? I'd really love you to meet her."? Many people wouldn't volunteer to come over or arrange it themselves if it was someone else's baby; they'd wait for an invitation for a specific day, especially if they're not really into babies and would be doing it purely because it's important to you.

It does seem a bit odd she hasn't met her yet but if it's important to you and she really is your best friend you can probably spell it out to her - that it's important to you that she meet her and ask directly when can you make it happen. She may explain that actually she's not interested and then you'll need to think about how you perceive the friendship.

Can I also add I'm not a mum that has to spend every waking moment with my daughter, I actually appreciate being able to go out for dinner without her sometimes and have some adult company. I just think it would have been nice for my friend to want to come and meet her at some point. I'll still be inviting her to the christening, that probably was a bit petty.

I did mention to her a while ago about coming over to see DD, she said she would, but nothing came of it.

And that's it? In six months you've just 'mentioned' it? Why don't you say to her 'I'd love you to come and meet x, can't believe she's six months old already and you've never even seen her! When's good for you?'

How hard is that? Much more friendly and direct than not inviting your best friend to your baby's Christening.