AIBU - Best friend has made no effort with baby

[bumblebee91]

So we have been best friends since we were 14, were inseparable all the way through school and have continued to be close as we've grown up. She has no children herself and I had my DD at the start of this year, she is now six months and my friend has not yet met her and has made no effort to do so. Am I right to be feeling quite hurt about this? We have met up a few times to go out for dinner without the baby, but she has just shown no interest in meeting her.

I think what makes it worse is that we live closer to each other than we ever have, she drives past my house several days a week so I think would it be too much trouble to stop and pop in one day since I am at home most of the time?

AIBU to be feeling like this? I am reconsidering inviting her to the Christening, as it upsets me that she has made zero effort to get to know what is now the biggest part of me.

You don't seem like you want to be with your baby all the time :) I think inviting her to the christening will be a very good indicator if she has an issue too.

Maybe she's thinking it odd that, other than some vague comment months ago, you've never invited her round to meet your baby?

I have a DD but I can admit I have no interest in other people's children, including close friends'.

And I don't think it absolutely means she's avoiding the baby. We have a very close circle of friends, one of the couples had a baby a few months ago after struggling to conceive and 5 miscarriages. Another member of our close circle of friends (who was best man at the couples wedding and vice versa) hasn't met their baby yet because he is so busy and just isn't really that interested. Also, they are having problems conceiving. We all live 5 minutes away from each other. It did cause a bit of upset and in the end they turned up with the baby at their house to basically force a meeting. They haven't seen the baby since and probs my won't plan to.

You should try and speak to her about it instead of people making assumptions as to the reason.

OP you don't have to apologise for always being with your 6 MONTH OLD BABY. It's quite tricky not to be generally.

In your shoes I would ask her outright if she's coming to meet this baby before it's christened. Hopefully you're not planning to make her a Godmother!

Well I'm not really into babies, am childless through choice, but always coo over my friends' kids because a) it's polite and b) they are a huge and important part of their lives, and therefore I recognise that.

I know that she definitely isn't struggling with infertility or miscarriage, she has made it quite clear that her and her husband are not interested in starting a family anytime soon, if at all, as they enjoy their lifestyle too much.

That's what we tell our friends. You can't know for certain.

Well done. You must realise not everyone is able to do the same?

I realise that we live In society with certain rules regarding friendship. If I choose Togliatti out ignore a friend I am being a bad friend. So either you suck it up and go and put on a smile or you tell yiiur friend why you are struggling. You don't leave them to feel shit for six months.

I'm so sick of this bullshit on MN where we can never say a person should do something or not do something because maybe that person just can't bring themselves to act like a normal human being.

And this is all based on a potential infertility that the op doesn't believe the friend is actually suffering from.!

You seem to have have absolutely no idea how hard posing for pictures holding a baby would be for many many people struggling with infertility.

Shocking considering I dealt with it for years and used fertility drugs to get pregnant then.

Are you one of the lucky ones who had totally forgotten what it is like?
Nope and even if I had I'd remember meeting my friends babies after they had them even if it hurt because I'm an adult and sometimes you do things you don't want to do

Not everyone is necessarily as strong as you clearly are Gina. Worth remembering that, perhaps. But as you say, the infertility thing may not be an issue. If it is, they don't have to deal with it in the same way you did or maybe even can't deal with it in the same way you did.

The whole point about being an adult is that, sometimes, you can choose not to do something you don't want to do. Unlike children who do what they are told.

But as the OP merely mentioned her friend possibly dropping by, rather than making it a serious invitation or following it up with one, it's all rather vague on all fronts. A lot of people don't go near new parents until they are specifically invited because they know that they are probably inundated with family and/or totally bloody shattered and therefore wait for a definite invite at a time that suits the mum.

I don't get the "not into babies" argument.

Try "not into DPs/DHs/OHs" as a reason not to call/visit. Not so good now, eh?

Echt, me and my friends go on girl's nights out to get away from our partners and have fun, so I guess it does apply to DHs too!

It's different to not being into babies though, as our partners don't scream, cry, smell or require breastfeeding. They are less all consuming. They can have conversations. They aren't disruptive to the friendship dynamic.

Is she actively avoiding you or just not expressing an insatiable urge to see your baby? If she's not answering calls or texts etc when she would have pre-baby then there's a problem you need to address. If it's all good with indirect contact but she just hasn't been to see the baby then I think YABU. Your baby is important to you, but not to her and that's ok. I have literally no interest at all in other people's children. I've seen the children of people I've been friends with for 30 years only three times in my life. Some people just don't like kids.

Whether she's into babies or not, it is surely the polite, done thing to show an interest in her best friend's offspring. I mean, all she has to do is pop in and grin and bear it for an hour. If she can't at least do that for you OP, she's a crap friend. Sometimes you just have to get over your own feelings, whether they are pain, jealousy, anger, whatever, and just do the right thing for the sake of others' feelings.

A couple of my friends dumped me after I had dd, it really hurt as I needed them more than ever (I suffered from PND when colicky dd1 and experienced loneliness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy). Both friends have since gone on to have children and have on separate occasions and out of the blue apologised for dumping me as they had no idea how hard motherhood was. One said she feared I'd turned into a baby bore and she was insecure in her relationship and therefore knew she wasn't going to be having babies anytime soon, and the other said she was bitterly jealous of the attention I was now channeling into dd1. I tried so hard, like you OP, to prove to them that I was human and not boring that I still hardly ever mention the dds in front of them (as I said they've gone on and had their own!)

YABU, why should she have to meet your child? If she's not into children, there's no need to do so. If you had a big dog and she didn't like dogs, would you get all twisted up about her not meeting the dog?

Some people don't like children. Having one was your lifestyle choice, she doesn't have to engage with it or congratulate you for it.

Some of my childfree friends absolutely cannot stand children and have never met any new children in our friendship group, for years. They probably never will and that's fine. There's no point in getting upset about it and taking it personally, it's a different life choice.

When I was suffering from secondary infertility, and people asked when we were going to have a little brother or sister for DD1, I always lied very convincingly. "God no! One is more than enough!/ There's no way I'm going through that again in a hurry!" Etc etc, with a big grin on my face while I was crying inside.
You just don't know what's going on, so I wouldn't dismiss the possibility that fertility issues are keeping her away.

My offspring isn't the same as a fucking dog. FFS people. if she wasn't interested in getting married/having partners, you'd be upset if she actively avoided meeting your husband/partner. What kind of friend is this? Sounds like something an acquaintance would do.

I'm pregnant now, I'd be very very upset if one of my friends didn't want to meet my child because she felt no obligation to meet my lifestyle choice.

A year ago I wasn't interested in babies at all. Five of my friends had children in a 6 month period. I met every single one of them within weeks of them being born and I wasn't actively seeking it out. If you naturally want to meet up with your friend, you meet them and you'll probably see their child, especially when its a newborn.

My friends who had babies, I kept in contact with them to see how they were doing and coping after having a baby. It's a major life change, not just a lifestyle choice.

OP, did she show any interest when you were pregnant?

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I'm afraid I had the same with my best friend from school. She was fine about me getting married (we included her in the ceremony) but as soon as I got pregnant she just vanished. It didn't matter how many times I tried to organise meeting up, she eventually agreed to meet just before my due date. She came for a brief visit, acted nervous (wouldn't stop talking about herself). She promised the earth, said she'd come and help with the baby etc.. but she never even congratulated me after I had my DD. That was 5 years ago and I haven't heard from her since. It's not nice to say and I wouldn't usually think it, but honestly I think she's jealous. There has always been an underlying jealousy with her, not just with me but with everybody. She has very low self esteem. It's sad but I can't make her be my friend. I also feel very resentful towards her as I had a difficult labour and recovery and a very high needs baby and really could have done with her support.
Maybe just give your friend time? Hopefully she'll come round, but you can't force it.

Some people don't like children. Having one was your lifestyle choice, she doesn't have to engage with it or congratulate you for it

Some of you have a warped view of friendship!

You don't congratulate a friend because you like babies.. You congratulate then because they like babies. Fuck me.

If you had done a PhD and no one acknowledged it would that be fine because they don't care?

Got married?

Got your dream job?

Do you lot really just ignore your friend's if they don't do things that interest you?