I don't know what to do

[lollipop7]

I gave up a career and a good life miles away when I feel pregnant with a man I thought I was in love with.
He asked me to marry him, told me he would always ta,e care upon us, encouraged me to take redundancy and plough it into our life together.
I'm now pregnant with our third child and si trapped and unhappy.

I have no job, no money and apart from my mum nowhere to go.
He has decided I'm good enough to have children with but not in his exact words "good enough to marry"
My credit rating has been ruined by a case of mistaken identity delisted notes of satisfaction. He's had all my money as I believed him all these years.
Last year when out second child was six months old I left before we moved house. I discovered a series of message to his drinking friends and parents that I had PND and was mentally ill. None of which is true.
He begged Me for a final chance, promised me he'd get therapy and set up a Trust Deed to acknowledge my contribution,
A year on and nothing. He is worse than ever and thanks to being pressured for sex one night I am six months pregnant.
He was out mountain biking with a friend tonight and our son managed to open two safety gates and fall halfway down the stairs. When he Came back home he was sulking and said he was obviously fine. Then two hours later he accused me of actually throwing himself down the stairs to get him home early because I am unwell and jealous of him having a life.
There are so many things I could write here but I can't face committing them all to paper, suffice to say they revolve around emotional abuse such as disdain, lies, provocation, undermining and general nastiness. He is a control freak, he cuts of my housekeeping to pay for holidays he wants. He says there is no money for luxuries but buys himself cds and booze and clothes all the time. His family are blind to his faults and I frequently come across nasty little message so where I am described as grumpy and arrogant. He is disningeous and provocative in front of my friends and family. In short he is a total bastard.
It has got so bad now that I am actually prepared to leave with nothing apart from my children in my car. The only asset I have left. He has said he holds all the cards and that he now wants to contact my midwife to tell, her I am unfit. This is because I slapped his face tonight when he accused me of injuring our son.

I just need to get something down as it is let and I don't want him to hear me on the phone to friends or my mother or sister.

I have thought about women's aid but I don't know.
I have left four times and always have to come back for immunisations, antenatal appointments, school terms etc. I feel as though all the pressure is on me. I am brimming out resentment at the uphheaval and turmoil in mine and especially my children's lives and on top of it have to get ready to give birth in three months.

He hasn't been interviewed under caution for assaulting me one night, but acts as though I think never happened and told the police commiserated with him and laughed about my desperate behaviour.
I feel as though he is trying to drive me to suicide or madness.

Just some words of advice or reassurance or comfort would be appreciated.

I feel incredibly stupid, vulnerable and lost right now.

Can you go back to Court on the grounds of the Grandparents being 'unfit and inappropriate Supervisors of the Visitation' and request a Social Worker or another Agency Supervise these visits.. otherwise I agree ... these visits are actually Unsupervised.. as the Grandparents are complicit by design by their inability to keep the Children Safe.

Lollipop, you're running a marathon like a sprint.

It is Sunday. Take some rest. There is nothing you can achieve today, except resting. To rest is as much a verb as to act.

Please, sweetheart, you are whipping yourself up and it's utterly destructive.

I can't stop it these are my precious children.
Perhaps some of you can imagine.
Perhaps some of you have helped
People in my position .
But unless you've been in my shoes you won't really know. And I wouldn't wish it on any of you.

His parents will probably go and sit in a pub whilst he swans off with them god knows where. They won't watch him they won't take it seriously. The three of them will spend the entire time talking about bringing them home, talking about xmas, is mummy still sad and angry blah blah blah.
In other words NON SUPERVISION

I am going to try and do something about it this week. In between hospital appointments, social workers and health visitors and midwives and preparing a Scott Schedule in case I go into labour before it's due.

I might as well have stayed. The children are actually now in more danger than If i had stayed. At least whilst I was being terrorised and driven to the depths of fear and despair in that house I could keep an eye on them.
Not any more.

And I'm supposed to have a baby and do all this.

I'm being abused by the system as well as him now. There's enough concern for a finding of fact and a section 7 report but not enough for a contact centre??? What a load of wank.

I can't keep writing on here.

Thanks for everything but I think it's best I delete my threads here.

Quite honestly I hope nobody is ever in my position but if they are, then reading this whole sorry thread is the last thing they should do. The only message to take away from this is that you might as well just agree Child arrangement orders because at the end of the day doing the right thing and fighting your heart out is pointless.

Thank You for all your support and all the best to each and every one of you. You made me feel less alone, but it's time to face the ugly sad truth and that is I will never succeed.

I totally disagree and with time hopefully you'll see aswell that leaving that man was the best thing you could have ever done for your children.
Staying with him for their entire childhoods would have been far worse than a few hours every two weeks.

Lollipop of course you’re feeling helpless. You’ve been let down and let down and let down again. The system is washing you through like the thousands of other cases and it’s utter utter shit.

It’s not worse than if you hadn’t fought though. It’s all little blocks building up and some times they get smashed down and you have to just keep stacking and stacking. It’s relentless but it will be over eventually. It will.

You need to have someone follow them on the contact (hide an iPhone on the kids with find friends on?) and photograph him being with them without his parents (inevitable) he will then be in breach and contact will cease.

 @lollipop7

I know it is very wrong that they are not taking the situation seriously enough quickly enough but you are getting there. It will happen.

The DC will get over what ever he says to them, yes horrible for them but one visit isn’t going to destroy them. They know you love they know you are there rock.

Hang on in there

Not if one them has a horrendous accident. He is negligent, cruel and inept. Not if once a fortnight he comes up bribes them with gifts and his and family use those six hours to emotionally disturb them, interrogate them and badmouth me.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore here.

I wrongly put my faith in the system to keep them safe whilst allowing him contact.
Perhaps I am just blinded by fear right now. I wish they’d just stared a contact centre then I could try and get ready to have this baby knowing their antics wouldn’t be allowed.

My son cry’s and has nightmares after seeing or speaking to him. When I have to sit at 3am and tell a sobbing son’s,king child that nobody is taking him away from me but I don’t know if that’s true then perhaps it frames my bitter comment about staying and at least being there all the time instead of a 150 miles away if this all goes wrong.

I just feel as though I have failed them either way

Cries not cry’s
Even in my darkest hour I can’t shake of Lynn Truss

Jesus.
Off not of

I need a gin & tonic

It's not over yet lollipop, you are on the road out. Please take care and keep the faith.

But nobody will take your children from you.
By leaving, your unborn child will never have to go through this.
He won't take the risk of anything bad happening to them. He knows everyone including the police, court, social workers are watching.
I know it's difficult but as others have said you need to take a break from this every now and then. There is nothing more to do today so can you take your DCs out to the park or you all do something together that you enjoy?

G&T's are shit for helping with spelling and grammar...

Seriously, though, I think the poster who said he'll be careful with their physical safety is right. And your children will be taken seriously if they tell cafcass that the contact was unsupervised. Make sure the cafcass person knows you have concerns about the supervision.

P.s. You're crashing now because you've had a victory. Your mind is finally allowing some subconscious guards down.

Don't delete your thread. It has been a support for you and you have had lots of good advice.

I completely get why you are panicking. I would be too.

And I know it's bloody hard but you just have to keep going. You will get there.

I know you said your solicitor is off this week but maybe you could talk to one of his/her colleagues? Explain your fears. Ask how you can ensure contact is at a contact centre. Make a huge deal about your DS being terrified of his father. And that his parents are practically strangers to your children.

Do you have a social worker?

He doesn’t have them today. Today they are safe and you can rest. You’re right, you’ve still got some battles ahead of you that you’ll need to be strong for and self care is going to be very important.

I won’t delete the thread.
I’m sorry. Behaving like a twat.

Think I need some sleep and a proper meal.
And to stop thinking about all this mess for a while.

okay.. try and relax today.. tomorrow you will be able to see/speak to people .. the Courts need to be aware of he unsuitability of the Grandparents taking on this Supervision Role... and quickly

Yes food & sleep. I really think the visits will get stopped - it may take time and repeat reports of your DS unhappiness but you will get there

Hi Lollipop, I've been lurking too and you've come so far!! Pleasse don't give up now you're so nearly there!!
He's bound to trip up at some point then you can get the contact issue sorted out. - is there any way you could check that the grandparents are really there with him the whole time?
Also, if your son comes back upset, which seems quite likely, might it be worth filming a kind of "interview" with him? Like of you asking him why he's upset, what did daddy say etc?

When things were overwhelming me with my X I took the kids to the cinema, sometimes I actually fell asleep there, I was so exhausted I couldn't help it but the escapism overall for them and me did some good.

Please keep the perspective of one day at a time if you can. Just today now. Focus on it, what can you do to make yourself feel better (sleep and food sound good if you can) what special memory can you make for you and the kids? What can you do that will occupy your head and be totally distracting? It will all get better slowly - I speak from experience.

I haven't been where you are. Not exactly but my situation was comparable. It worked out for us. Best outcome I could have dreamed of.
You do have time.
You have appointments with all the relevant professionals. SS. Midwife.
You can ask for their help.
They have duty of care for you and your children.
If your DCs contact with him is not supervised then how much danger might they be in?

Please take time at your appointment this week to voice your concerns to your midwife, social worker an the police. Ask them for any opinions, reassurance or any other options open to you. Then when you have that information, reassess your options.
You have come so far.
Your kids are safer than they were.
People have listened.

Still a way to go, but you have come so far.

We are all telling you the same thing, and we can’t ALL be idiots now, can we?

Oh God, Lollipop I'm so sorry. I really can't imagine how you feel, how scared you must be. I know that I can't even fathom it. I wish to God there were more that I could do to help you, love. :( I wish I could take your worry and your fear and just put it on myself so you could relax.

A PP has had a good idea: going back through your threads to read how far you've come. You really have succeeded, massively! Not only that, but every time the outlook was at its worst, you managed to come back from it and get ahead for your children.

I can say I know that it's horrible, that it's YOU doing all the work, that it's you fighting not only him but the bloody system that is supposed to be there to help you as well, and that's the last fucking thing you need, especially right now!

It's horrible that you have had to do all of this on your own, but YOU HAVE done it! And you are very close to the end now; there isn't much more you have to fight. I know it doesn't look that way right now, but finally they ARE listening to you, they ARE seeing reason, they ARE seeing the truth, and they ARE taking much much better courses of action now - well, barring the bloody visits, that was stupid and insane and I simply can't understand that. The last hearing, they did everything else so right, and then that... it boggles the mind.

But the court did realise that he is an abuser, using his children to get to, control, and hurt you, which is why they stopped the skype calls and banned him from contacting you. At least they can see that, so that tells me that they will be far more receptive to the evidence of his being dangerous to DC now as well. I don't have a bloody clue why they kept the fortnightly visits, but they dropped them to half because the court at least now knows he is just not a good, loving father.

Can you ring (or have your solicitor ring) the court, and ask them to reconsider the fortnightly visits? Can you or somebody explain to them exactly what you've told us here - taking his bloody documented history of using the DC to hurt you into account, and your fears that he will warp their minds and string the poor babies along at best, or take them away at worst - and ask them to only change visits to a supervised centre? If only that small change, it would be so much easier. If your solicitor could just phone the judge or email, perhaps he could show them sense?

If that's not possible, perhaps you could have a friend (or I suppose possibly the police in the area but... they've not proven to be the most proactive have they) follow him discretely when he has the DC for visitation? At least to know where he is and whether he is taking them someplace he should not?

I'm sorry if those are just flat out stupid ideas. I just want to be able to help you. :( And maybe I'm over invested, but I really don't want him to have that kind of access to your children! It is very scary, even to me, a stranger on the internet who knows how far away and unrelated! If it's that scary to me, a stranger.... Oh Lollipop I'm so sorry!

I do hope you keep using this thread, even if only coming on here to vent and complain and express your worries and fears. There are a lot of us here who truly care and who really want to help you, even if we can only offer words.

You WILL come through this. You've come this far, all on your own, and there is not much left to go now. It WILL get easier. I know that. The ball is rolling now and you WILL succeed. I know it doesn't look that way right now, and I know it's fucking HARD, but I really truly believe that with all my heart, and I'm sure the rest of us here do, too.

Hey @lollipop7 I hope you're ok this evening. The system has let you down but slowly and surely things are going in the right direction. They will see him for what he is. Things like this take so long - which is a damn shame. All you can do is hope they slip up on contact and then it'll be withdrawn from them.

Keep going, you're nearly there. If anyone can do this, you absolutely can and are doing so. Leaving that man was the single best thing you have done for your children.

Have a G&T - it will help. I hope baby isn't breech again! He's gonna be trouble when he's crawling

I don't have anything helpful to add but I'm thinking of you

What a horrendous situation. What a horrendous man.