Is it bad to wish your ex's family death and pain?

[user1498060624]

It's been 2 months since we broke up and all I constantly think of is how badly my ex's mother and brother treated me with the things they said and did. How they differentiated me and my family because we are not British and how they showed me a million times how low they thing of me compared to the other DIL despite that I had been in the family for years, I am (more) educated and I have never done anything bad for them.

I know this is really low of me but I constantly wish them (inside my head) the worst! I feel like a bad person but also get pleasure wishing them the worst and I really want them to experience as much pain and life deterioration as much as I have experienced because of their actions and input in my relationship.

Has anyone ever wished the WORST for their ex and ex's family or am I the only bad person here?
Does it ever go away, I want to get my normal self back....

@5OBalesofHay Thank you. I understand its totally wrong and this is why I posted here, admitting that's I am embarrassed about it and that I don't recognise myself. I posted because I was waiting for some other people to share their opinion, if they have felt like this before and when it gets better.

I went to the doctors today and I told them everything, including many things that I haven't shared here, and they were shockingly surprised that I stayed in a relationship with someone who his family treated me like this. They also wished (and that was the doctor not me) that the other couple breaks up because when I explained how they treated me they said that THEY were the nasty ones and I have been incredibly tolerant with their attitude towards me.

I feel much better today and I certainly don't want them to die. It is normal to go through pain and grief when you go through a breakup and there's nothing wrong with it. At the end it will all be good :)

Thank you all or your responses. I appreciate your time.

Your insecurities are showing big time and all the name calling and big upping yourself, only magnifies them. If you really want to get out of this spiral of negativity, then you are going to have to look inwards and not outwards.

Your Ex's mother and his current gf are getting most of your venom because you still can't quite bring yourself to admit, that you choice of Mr Happy Ever After, was a poor one.

I think what's disappointing you the most, is that your bitterness is exposing a side of your character that is at odds with the image you have of yourself. There are lessons to be learned here but you aren't in the market to learn them, why is that?

OP, have you ever thought, you allowed these people to be nasty and belittle you; you could have shut it down anytime by leaving, yes leaving.

I think your anger and bitterness is not just towards them but perhaps deep down you are angry at yourself for putting up with it?

Also, your bitchiness is loud and clear, really not nice. Your self confidence is no bad thing though!

@Isetan You are right. I am insecure because I lived in a relationship where he was belittling me due to his own insecurities for 3 years! He couldn't come in terms that I was more educated, that I was making more money than him and that I had more independence in my life than he did. And these 3 points are exactly the points he would bring up in each argument!
Many of my friends mentioned to me that with his words and actions he was trying really hard to cut my wings of confidence, but I was just rejecting it...even if I knew it was true! My choice was a poor one, and it's a shame it took me 3 years to understand it but certainly I will be able to recognise the signs earlier on in my next relationship. There are lessons to be learned and this is why I am here, exposing myself, visiting the doctors and why, generally speaking, I am admitting that I am angry and I try to seek answers-which proves that I am in the market to learn.

@Adora10 I saw them belittling me but because my ex didnt accept my comments anytime I would point out something unfair or a rude behaviour/comment I thought I was wrong and I was staying. I reached a point that I thought I was wrong and they were very kind. It took loads of time and friends talking to me to understand that no, the way his family and brother's gf treated me is not healthy and they had a very rude attitude towards me. You mention about my bitchiness which is perfectly fine to be loud at this stage. I am not ashamed of this, nor I will feel guilt for going through all this pain that makes me angry and bitchy. I know myself and I know it will go away. Any person who would have been through what I've been would feel exactly the same or even worse. The only mistake I did was not trying to stop them when I had the early signs, I gave them the space and right so they kept doing it and by the end I thought it was normal to be treated like this! Because love makes your IQ level zero!

Thank you!

No doctor worth their salt would say such things and risk losing their job . They have to be impartial and I highly doubt a professional would say they too hoped such and such would break up ? Well done for visiting gp though and seeking help

What u say tho with regards dh and his family is everything which is happening to me now . Won't be for much longer tho as I'm going to leave dh . I love him so so much and I know he loves me but he will never ever see the error of his family's ways . Despite many people and professionals telling him? He still can't bare the thought of his family emotionally abusing our dcs and me . He is adamant it's all my fault and everyone else's but not his family

@Cuckingfunt1981 this sounds great! If you manage to remove yourself from this whole situation then good for you and for your children.Maybe in your absence your dh will appreciate you more and decide to stand by you and the children? Good luck!

As for the GP believe it or not these were the words! Its not that they would lose their license by agreeing with me ;)

They have hurt you and caused you pain.
They belittled you and made you feel less.
You want them to feel the way they made you feel.
Honest and understandable, in my book.

But by being obsessed with thoughts of payback, you are now hurting yourself.
You have so much going for you, and an opportunity to start again with a clean slate and a wonderful future ahead. The best revenge is indeed a life well-lived.

Go for it. Design yourself a rich, full life, full of hope and opportunity. Good Luck.

In my experience when I went through the feelings you describe - of intense hatred and detailed fantasies of revenge - I had been deeply fucked over to the point I pretty much lost my mind for a bit.

In my experience, all those detailed murderous fantasies died down eventually . But imo it was essential to work through those intense feelings so I could get through to how I really felt, deep down. iiwy I would enact those feelings - privately! - by eg hitting the bed with a baseball bat (screaming abuse optional), kickboxing etc. Something physical and primal to release the intense, and imo appropriate, rage you are feeling.

You say it's them you hate but it seems deferred hatred to me: it is him you 'should' be hating. Maybe that's too much for you now and you've taken an unconscious short cut by dumping all your outrage and hurt on/towards them.

From what you describe, they all sound thoroughly revolting so you are well rid. Easy to say, but true nonetheless.

imo you've had a brush with some very nasty people. From what you say it looks like they're deeply racist - and that's a whole other can of maggots. Have a look at eg Melanie Tonia Evans who addresses healing from narcissistic abuse (this may or may not be what you've experienced but it helps to gen up on this stuff when you've had a brush with thoroughly nasty sorts). Also sign up to the Freedom Programme, which will help you get your head straight about what you've been exposed to in the last 3 years. Also have a look at the effects of trauma and perhaps get some therapeutic support to hold your hand for a while.

Take care of yourself. imo you are in a very vulnerable place at the mo so be gentle xx

My STBX has been with the AP for just two months plus one month EA

For her birthday, her mother and father had a party at their house at which the AP was present and was introduced to all our kids including an 8 year old and an 11 year old.

I suspect there is some genuine personality disorder running through her family.

We are still cohabiting but tonight is the third night this week she will stay at his place.

My only consolation is that I know that I am a better person than all of them.

This is genuinely one of the weirdest threads I've ever read

My STBX has been with the AP for just two months plus one month EA

For her birthday, her mother and father had a party at their house at which the AP was present and was introduced to all our kids including an 8 year old and an 11 year old.

I suspect there is some genuine personality disorder running through her family.

We are still cohabiting but tonight is the third night this week she will stay at his place.

My only consolation is that I know that I am a better person than all of them and I will never have to see them again.

@hatsoncats thank you so much! I have already taken actions to get myself out of these miserable thoughts. It is very true what you say, a life well lived is the best revenge. And it's the best kind of life too :)

@springydaffs thank you for your support! I am certainly having a read at Melanie's suggestions. They are racists, I knew this from the beginning, but I somehow thought that they would accept me and appreciate me. I guess I was just wasting my time. Thank you :)))

@CrazySituation I am so very sorry to hear this. It is true that you should focus on who you are and how much better you are than her and her parents! For how long have you been separated if you dont mind me asking please?

@user1498060624 - I discovered the emotional affair on the 1st of June. She petitioned on the 6th (she is not hanging around). She first met the other person on the 8th of June.
We are semi- seperated. She spends half the week at her 'mothers' . As I said there has been an indecent rush to incorporate this new man into my children's lives. This has been facilitated by her family.
I suspect she is suffering from infatuation/limerence at the moment.

@CrazySituation Aaargh, I am so sorry. This truly sucks. One thing I dont understand is why did she rush to the new affair? Is she a person that does things without much thought behind her actions?

I am so sorry for what you go through...

Back to my situation, my ex texted me to say he's mum feels guilty for whatever happened between us! Why would a woman who thinks is totally innocent feel any sort of guilt? Surely this means that she finally understand what things she did wrong?
But even if she does shes so selfish she would never pick up the phone and call me. To me actions speak louder than a 'I feel sorry' and now its too late!

I was having a brilliant, good few days. It's not that I am happy, it will take me ages to be happy, but I was reminding myself of my blessings and I was visualizing of how beautiful life ahead will be away of this family.

Until he texted me.....to say his mum feels guilty for everything. I asked him 'why' since she never did anything to save this relationship. She told me at that time that she 'deeply cared about me' but that was shitty talk and her actions spoke more than her words! She never cared about me, never drove her car to pick me up from the streets or the friends houses I was staying. And she actively encouraged her son to breakup with me!!!

Long story make it short his mum, has not only donated the flat in Edinburgh to his brother and the gf, but she is also paying their monthly allowances to make sure the gf is happy and stays with her son, she is also paying the bills of the flat AND THEIR VACATIONS TO SPAIN! They have been to Spain twice so far all paid by mummy and daddy!

And I asked him how he feels about it and that maybe his mum now realises how shitty she treated me by not only allowing her son to abuse me and kick me out of the house and dispose my things to the garbage, but also by advising him to break up with me instead of telling him off and teaching him that he is wrong! I wasn't expecting her to pay my holidays and I am TOO PROUD to even let her pay for my coffee let alone the other things she provide to her other son and his gf, but for God's sake, why does she differentiate her sons so much?

I think they are a bunch of pretentious twats and for all of you here eating me alive when I called his brother's gf 'uneducated' at least you must know that this girl is milking the whole situation. This is why I called her as I did, not only because she literally lacks academic education but mainly because she has no morals and social education!

I am so frustrated I wasted 3 years of my life with these racist morons. I really wish them to rotten to hell because that's all they deserve! It might take me years to go over the shock but at least I know my future boyfriend and his mum will be proud of me and adore me. Something that these morons greatly failed to do!
To hell all of them!

User - its time to block all of them on all platforms, email, text, social media... just stop them pouring their poisonous thoughts into your head.
Judge them by their actions, not their phoney lying words. Pity them, that they are so ignorant.

Then let it all go. Get on with your life. Do not spare them another thought.

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here. It's only been a few weeks, so it's very raw and you're lashing out. The few examples you've given aren't great, but they're only the tip of the iceberg that you've endured.

But they're out of your life. Have a quick daydream occasionally, but don't let it consume you. Remember the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt - 'no-one can make you feel bad without your permission'.

@hatsoncats I have blocked them all everywhere and I have deleted their numbers so I wont be tempted to contact anyone.

He found a way to contact me on my Instagram account by creating a new account!

I still cannot believe people here attacked me for calling the girl uneducated when all I am saying is that she is part of the problem! My ex's mum the day me and my ex broke up, posted a picture on Instagram with the girl using the hahstags mother daughter love

Not only she was happy I was finally out of her son's life but she wanted me to see this and feel bad. And now she's bankrolling them and she wanted me to know it!

To hell with them! They really, truly deserve to go to hell!

I have no deleted and blocked them everywhere! I am looking forward to a great life. As someone said here a life well lived is the best revenge! He has to understand at some point that he is a piece of shit and I hope his next gf leaves him after a day!

@TheDevilMadeMeDoIt I am going through hell, living hell. In a city with no network support, no family and no friends. I am just counting the days to get out of here!
I cannot for the love of God believe I wasted my life with them. I am really crossing my fingers he wont find a partner for the rest of his life and he will be alone forever!

Unfortunately some people are jerks. Teutonic type Brits are not the only ones (although being Irish we've been on receiving end of a lot of their crap). To be honest, I think they're pretty much getting their just deserves now (population collapse etc) and unfortunately it has made them a fair bit nastier. They thought they sorted us all out in WW1 and 2 etc. That said, lot of non- British are pretty racist towards whites too.

user1498060624, no matter how many times the hate and anger go round your head, it doesn't actually impact your ex and his mother. The only person who is really feeling that is you, and it produces a negative feeling in yourself. i.e. it only hurts yourself. In effect they are still influencing your life without even being in contact with you.

The best way to move on is to introduce new, good things into your life and let the anger go. You can't change the past. If you dwell on it, it will make you feel angry again, and from time to time this will happen. Learn to recognise when you are doing this, and focus on other good things.

By the sounds of it, this is the only hook they still have in your life. Work on removing it and let them be gone.