Is it bad to wish your ex's family death and pain?

[user1498060624]

It's been 2 months since we broke up and all I constantly think of is how badly my ex's mother and brother treated me with the things they said and did. How they differentiated me and my family because we are not British and how they showed me a million times how low they thing of me compared to the other DIL despite that I had been in the family for years, I am (more) educated and I have never done anything bad for them.

I know this is really low of me but I constantly wish them (inside my head) the worst! I feel like a bad person but also get pleasure wishing them the worst and I really want them to experience as much pain and life deterioration as much as I have experienced because of their actions and input in my relationship.

Has anyone ever wished the WORST for their ex and ex's family or am I the only bad person here?
Does it ever go away, I want to get my normal self back....

"Self praise is no praise", a wise saying for you to think about OP.

@timis You are right and I will keep it in mind. Thank you.

@RebelRogue well he is the one with the money so I assume she knew what she was doing? I dont know what to assume and say. It certainly gave her a flat and paid bills within 6 months so the transparent yoga legging worked well, but I forgot she is 'shy'...

You really need to get a grip...... What is this talk of leggings!! You are doing yourself no favours at all.

You don't mention your ex much, you were together for 3 years and you lived with his family for 3 years. How did that happen?

You say that you loved each other until his family came in and interfered, but what did he have to say about that?

Just wondering why with your extensive education you chose to live with his family for 3 years. Surely the point of getting a decent education is to be in a position to support yourself so you don't have to depend on others especially those who are not supportive of you.

And the fact they allowed you to live with them for 3 years show they must have been accepting of you in some way or else why would they.

Life is hard, most of us to through tough times, a lot of us are hurt by those close to us but I can honestly say I don't carry any ill will towards any individual. I might not choose to be around certain people more than is necessary but I certainly would never wish or get an iota of pleasure out of another humans suffering or pain no matter what they did to me.

Your reactions and feelings and obsessive thoughts say a lot more about you than them. You seem to have a grandiose ego and think because someone didn't treat you the way you think you should be treated that they should die. Ffs if you don't like the way someone treats you, walk away, don't be around them. There are loads of posts on here from people who have terrible relationships with their families or in-laws so they cut contact to preserve themselves they don't spend days wishing that some terrible fate will befall them.

I So get you . We have major issues with mil and bil and it's reached crisis point . We are clinging onto our marriage and dh is finally realising that his family have not only emotionally abused me but are doing it to our dcs now . Social services have become involved because of the damage they have caused my dcs . Dh still at times refuses to accept just what they have done and still works in the family business with them daily . I hate them with a passion and wish my dcs didn't have to be around there poison . Anyways it's in the hands of social services now so if they don't stop calling me to my dcs they will be stopped from having contact . What a bloody mess and all because I married their son ?? It all boils down to money at then end of the day and my dh inheritance . I couldn't give a fuck about their money or dh inheritance and have offered to sign a pre nup and a post nup . I'm still the wicked evil money grabbing dil even tho iv never asked him for a penny or done anything to harm anyone ???

Oh and I constantly obsess and think over and over about them daily . Morning noon and night they r in my head !!! It's had me ill

the ex was abusing me and his mum knew it but did nothing!

OP, you mention almost in passing that your ex partner was abusing you, and then you rush on to blame his his mother for not stopping him?? WTF?

Your ex partner obviously didn't stand up for you to his family either, but you are furious and obsessing and blaming his mother and family for that as well? Not him, for being a lily livered shit?

OK. Firstly you are in complete denial. Your ex dumped you, not his mother. If he is such a weak-willed tosspot that he can be so easily influenced by his mother, then you should be thanking her because he was never worth it. If he was abusive and she caused him to dump you then be very grateful - you really have dodged a bullet.

Can you see that your anger should be towards your ex boyfriend? My guess is that you are so outraged at being dumped that you are looking for anything or anyone to blame that isn't that he simply decided he didn't want to be with you anymore.

Sorry OP, but you are obviously very judgemental. That doesn't mean she wasn't shy.
Even if she was shy, it doesn't excuse not having basic manners or being polite. I'm shy, but I make sure I say thanks for presents, for example.
OP, you're getting a bit of a slating on here, but I understand how you're feeling. The more you try and explain yourself, the worse it sounds to some ppl though.
I was treated badly by someone I thought was a good friend a while back. At the time, I wouldn't have p*seed on her if she was on fire, as the saying goes. But I cut her out of my life and gradually forgot about it. Cut these ppl out of your life completely and you'll get over the negative emotions sooner.
Incidentally, I bumped into her years later and she behaved as if nothing had happened. Shows you how much some ppl notice how they treat others.

Ha! Pseed?? Pssed, obv!

Your Ex and his family weren't very nice but if you really valued yourself (not the five degrees stuff) as much as you think you do, you wouldn't have stayed in a dysfunctional/abusive relationship as long as you did. You made the classic mistake of valuing a relationship (the status) over the person you were actually in a relationship with. That was probably an insecurity that contributed to your decision to stay.

Your bitterness is blinding you from the most important thing in this sorry episode and that's that you are no longer with that horrible man and his horrible family. There isn't a parallel universe where he or they are different and his new gf isn't getting the best of him because their isn't a best of him to get.

Your anger and bitterness isn't about him or his family it's about your sense of entitlement to a 'perfect' life and your fear that you won't get it but relationships don't work like that. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad peoples and that's just reality and five degrees etc aren't an insurance against bad stuff happening.

Relationship break ups suck but they happen for a reason. By focussing the post-mortem on your Ex and the what ifs, you're missing out on the wonderful opportunity of understanding yourself and your role in the dysfunction because ultimately, our behaviour is the only behaviour we can control.

I don't know where you're from but there could be a cultural element to your 'death to all his family' feelings and that can be a hard thing to overcome, especially if you now live in a different culture where those sentiments aren't as prevalent. That's why it is so important that you take the time to understand yourself better.

You're not a bad person but you do need some help in getting past the negativity and if you really value yourself, you'll make that investment.

But educated people don't go around with the view that they are better than others.

I would agree that a lack of education and living a closed life doesn't give you a broad sense of life or the world, but that's not necessarily her fault.

I'm from a minority ethnic group and when (in secondary school), I was asked if I had lions in my backyard, I did think what absolute idiots these 13 year old were.

However, my now older self reflects on that and I think, the only images these particular people probably had of Africa was from Tarzan. They clearly led a very narrow and limited life to think I'd still be alive with lions in my backyard.

You might have a point in what you're saying about however the way you articulate, makes you appear like you believe you're a cut above.

Sorry for late responses, I just got online.

@user1488575338 I am just explaining (once again) myself because someone asked about the leggings. I'll get a grip, thanks!

@MysweetAudrina @timis We were in a relationship for 3 years but did not live with this family in the same property. We lived in the same city and my ex is working in the family business and is in touch with his parents A LOT! So it felt like they were into my relationship all these 3 years. His mum would text him daily to check on him, he would have lunch breaks with his boss (aka his dad), and Sunday dinners with everyone, because they really want to have their children close and be involved in their lives. For as long as we were renting our own flat in the city, things were great but everything (and the emotional AND physical abuse) started when we moved in with them. I stayed in total for a week with them and then moved around friends places for 2 months before finding my own place. In this period of time we broke up once again but got back together because I thought the issues will go away. I know he values his parents opinion A LOT and they were messing with his head. He has turned 30, has a good job, bought a flat, so to their head he should now find a nice British lady and not me. And by nice, let me give a definition (and call me off as many times as you like) they mean an uneducated sheep, so they can manipulate situations and have the upper hand in their sons lives for as long as they live.

This is where my education ties and why I keep mentioning that I have studied and I have managed well in my life so far, because I thought they could see this and that I have a great possibility to get a highly paid job and not live as a leech on their son (something that I have never done and everything was 50%-50% shared).

Why I am comparing myself with his brother's girlfriend? Because since the first week of dating, they weren't even a couple yet, and his mum started getting obsessed about what a nice girl she is and that IT HAS TO WORK OUT and be with her son. And then when I met her I was anticipating to see a wonderful girl and all I saw was what I described and has offended everyone here. So to my head the constant question was 'why you don't like me and you like her so much that its so painfully obvious to everyone!' And Yes, I understand that my ex should support me and stand by my side and tell them to fuck off but he made it clear his family comes first and that they are his priority and not me. I remember during one of our arguments he said 'I'll never be part of this family' and my response was that I'd better not be because this is not a nice family as he thought they are! I was just hoping that things would change and he would talk to them and tell them he chose me and he's happy with me!

@Isetan you might be spot on here, I was insecure. I thought it would work and I wanted it to work. But it didn't

I am moving cities in less than a month so I am hoping things inside me will get better.

@SandyY2K Sorry this has happened to you it sounds like you were in a class of narrow-minded ignorant, much like my ex's family...

Thank you everyone for your responses!

You see the way you describe sil is so bitchy and nasty ??? I don't like that at all about you . Everything you describe with way his parents treat your ex is exactly how my dh gets treat by his parents . We are a family business and he eats all his meals with them and I'm at home on my own . It's just way it has been because his mam is the dictator in our marriage . I fee exactly like you and it's turning me into a anxious nervous wreck but I do hope I never become as nasty and bit hypocritical as you . No wonder they don't like you . Bet they are breathing a huge sigh o relief your dh has seen sense . You truly are a despicable , nasty high opinionated person and the way you describe your sister in law is disgusting !!

Blimey Cuck, that sounds a bit much, surely there could be some compromise. Do you actually mean ALL his meals?

@Cuckingfunt1981 I am sorry your dh treats you this way. I wasnt married so its wasnt dh/pil/sil for me.
I am not going to respond to your attacks you sound very bitter but I totally understand you. At least I broke free!

Ok, they obviously didn't like you. That's sad but people do have a tendency to be drawn to those who are like themselves. Be very honest, could you have come across as arrogant or proud? Difficult or over proud of your achievements? Better than them? Because sadly that really is very unattractive an unlikeable.

You've split up and the upsides is that you can move on and never see these people whom you hate so much. Bitterness will only affect you so trying to deal with that is a good idea.

But do have a long hard look at yourself. You sound pretty young so maybe you can change. The nicest people tend to have a quiet self confidence and seek to bring out the best in others rather than mock, criticise and judge. Really.

You really are a nasty bitter person . My dh has many good qualitys but is ruled by his family and the business is used as bait to trap him . Things are very bad at the moment and social services are involved due to his family emotionally abusing our dcs . It's a long long story and a whole other thread that would be too long to write out . Anyways I love dh he loves me and we only ever argue about his family. Now they have started to bully my kids it's now reached a whole other level and ss are involved and they are under investigation x

@MatildaTheCat Thank you, I appreciate your input and I see that you are right. I am young and like I said so many times so far I do not recognise myself and I am ashamed for my thoughts but I want to believe its part of the grief I am going through?

You are right that people shpuld bring the best out of people and not judge them. I am young also so I am hoping to change. Thank you.

@Cuckingfunt1981 Excuse me, but you seem the nasty person on this occasion, since you keep judging me without having a clue who I am or what is my pathway.

The point is, because you go through all this difficulties, it doesnt entitle you to be a bitch online behind the security of your screen. I am really sorry and I mean this that you go through all this and that you have your children involved. However, no one entitles you to keep calling me a nasty person and the other things you mentioned before. You sounds really bitter and hurt. You better channel all this negativity towards the people that hurt you or ways that can get you out of this situation rather than blaming other people online. All the best!

Please re read all the derogatory comments you have made about your sil and then il listen to your tripe

Being young does not excuse your personal , nasty attacks about your sil appearance or body. I'm young but I don't make personal attacks or tell people I'm beautiful and highly educated so therefore better than everyone . I too have numerous degrees , a profession and own properties but I'd never use this against people or try to top trump people

Hmmmm Matilda was also stating what everyone else thinks ? She wasn't excusing your behaviour

Of course you are wrong to wish that on anyone.